You know, the creepy thing about this time right now is knowing Canadian Conservatives are watching everything happening downstairs and making notes for when it’s their turn to fuck us over. If you vote Conservative you are voting for us to be absorbed into the cruel maw of the United Fascist States (sponsored by Amazon, Facebook, and Google). And I’m not having it! We don’t need or want that shit here, and allegiance to billionaires is fucking bullshit.

Capitalism is going to eat itself, who do they expect to be their consumers after they’ve enslaved all the poor and middle class people? Do they think we’re still going to order their shitty products from a labour camp? It’s so fucked up. I mean they are just making things good for billionaires and billionaires to be (millionaires). But eventually people are going to snap. And then…

And their ideas about becoming astronauts and leaving us behind is honestly pathetically unrealistic. For one thing, space travel happens in a place with extreme radiation that is difficult to protect a crew from. Also bodies get weaker in zero gravity. Also it just sounds like a pathetically sad life, to be on a ship and then on a planet like Mars with no vegetation etc stuck in your pod. It’s ludicrous. The most logical thing right now would be to work to end climate change and try to heal our planet, instead of getting one last pillaging of the planet’s resources while hanging onto these piles of gold. Billionaires are deeply corrupt, deeply evil, deeply morally bankrupt human beings. No one should aspire to be a billionaire and hoard so much wealth that it impoverishes the majority of the planet. That’s depraved shit. That’s something only a person with no empathy would do.

Anyway how am I? UGHHH.

I don’t know, I read the story of Sam Nordquist this week and his murder. And it’s just so sad. Also makes me feel vulnerable as someone who has met people on apps for dates who wanted to meet knowing I am trans. And the fact that it was a cis woman who lured him over there also makes me nervous, because cis women get trusted so much easier than men, and they aren’t always trustworthy. Also because I’ve met a lot of cis people on apps and maybe they could be trying to lure me too. I had a rule of only meeting in my home so that my neighbours would notice if something happened. But in the past I HAVE traveled to meet someone. I don’t know. I generally put that I’m trans in my bio on dating apps because I don’t feel like coming out after someone contacts me when they aren’t looking for trans people too. BUT also there are people looking for trans people for bad reasons. It’s scary.

Right now I am on a dating/hookup break while my tailbone is healing. It still sucks, I can’t go to the bathhouse either, and there’s some play parties coming up and I’m not sure if I should bother. Blahhhh. But yeah. I miss human contact, I mean maybe that makes me sound super lonely. It’s just it’s been constantly snowing here and not the best for going out to even visit friends. Which makes me more lonely. Ahhh.

And then the world is just going to hell, and trans men trying to find love end up tortured and murdered. It’s a brutal fucked up world. Not only systemically, but also the lack of empathy towards human beings is super disturbing. It’s just like Susan Sontag said, “10 percent of any population is cruel, no matter what, and 10 percent is merciful, no matter what, and the remaining 80 percent can be moved in either direction.”

We’re fucked! BUT I still feel responsible for finding hope in our situation at this time, and so I guess I have to figure out how to be more hopeful.

I’m starting a podcast! I recorded my first episode, I need to record some music for it though and I don’t know how to write music, but I’m trying it out for the first time. I was going to do some chords, but the ones I picked made for a sad song ha ha. So I need to try that again. I also tried some picking but I don’t know about that either. I wish I had a synthesizer, I bet that would make a better tiny song. I had one before, or like an electric piano or whatever, and I played it and could improvise on it really well. But I’m still learning how to improvise on acoustic guitar and not very confident in it or where the high notes are. I dud make a few seconds that sounded nice, but the end was not great, cause it got depressing again. Why do my songs always go depressing!? I just want to make something fun and appealing that will draw people into listening to my stories for 20 minutes to an hour.

After I tried to make music, I made a cover for my podcast. It is super cute.

It’s funny because this mic is just in my living room and so with the background covered up I look like I’m in a fancy studio. Instead of on my couch so I can be near the sun. I love it. I thought I solved the mic picking up Classical FM. But no, it’s still there. It’s really quiet but so fucking annoying! And I still haven’t totally figured out where it’s coming from. I mean I know where Classical FM broadcasts from, but I don’t know which part of the equipment is picking up the station. Also what is annoying is when I look up RF Interference and this microphone, it says “This mic is excellent for protection from RF interference.” And nothing else! Like, no Mr. Mic Corporation, it’s not excellent! It’s got issues!

Anyway. My butt is improving. Like it fucking sucks yes, but sitting on it is not so awful. Tailbone injuries take so fucking long to heal from. UGHHH hate it ha ha. I will be happy when it’s healed.

I remember the last time I hurt my tailbone, I went manic, but that’s because I went off my meds. But I don’t remember when it stopped hurting, because I went SO MANIC and everything was a good time. Until it was a bad time. So I was obviously distracted, and after I came back down I was fine. Anyway.

It’s a very snowy long weekend. I’ve been going in and out of the house shovelling since yesterday, and it has not stopped. The snow banks are getting higher and higher. I had to go to the store for pee pads for the dogs and there was ice under some of the snow so it got super slippy for a while. The snow is so deep, and not everyone gives a shit about shovelling. So it’s challenging to go for a walk to be sure. It snowed a lot previously too, and I went in an Uber to my guitar class and being in the car made me feel so sketched out it’s so scary to be on the road. I am glad I am not traveling this weekend. I’m trying to just stay home and keep from having to dig us out too much by shovelling on a regular basis. I have some food in my house, so I’m not starving, and after getting pee pads for the dogs there really isn’t anything we need right now.

Being a Canadian (or for me, a nêhiyaw living in Canada more specifically) means you have to be so fucking tough. Like, we have a lot of large predators here. And moose who are not always in the best mood when you meet them. And the winters are totally bananas. Like, not so much here in Toronto, but in Saskatoon it would be minus 40 celcius with a windchill of minus 60 and we still went to school. And walked there! Like they did not give a shit it was cold. So cold. It’s very brutal weather even in the summer when it gets super hot and people die. It’s an unforgiving place with weather and animals that want to kill you. And that doesn’t include all the things going on with the Canadian people.

Back to the podcast, I am still recording them. So I’m not going to put them out yet. But I’m collecting stories and things so I might turn into Andy Warhol and carry my recorder everywhere with me in case I can get stories from friends etc. With permission! I talked to a couple friends already asking them for interviews. Plus the other part of the podcast is me just talking about life and things I think etc. I need to do more research though before picking a place to host my podcast. I think I have enough in my budget for a subscription, but I also have ethical concerns about all corporations right now. And also I would prefer a Canada based podcast hosting service but I don’t know who that would be. At this point I have no funding for it, or sponsors, or anything really. But it’s kind of just going to be a hobby and an extension of this blog, which is also kind of just a hobby.

I’ve been slowly trying to withdraw from things like, well Amazon. I felt so satisfied when I closed my account. It felt a bit sketchy at first, having to look up other places to get stuff from, or to go to the store. But it’s fine honestly. It’s cut back a lot on unnecessary purchases actually which is GOOD for me who is bipolar with very little shopping impulse control. Especially in a good mood! I also cancelled my Netflix and Disney Plus. I downloaded all of my information from Facebook in case I want to delete it, and I am torn on that still because I have contact with some people there that I don’t have elsewhere. I might just stick to messenger or something. I don’t know, but if I decide to close it I am prepared sort of.

I also downloaded Duck Duck Go as a browser, and opened a new Proton Mail account so that I can start to get away from Google. It’s just a VERY evil corporation now, I can’t support it, and also so much of my online life is baked in with Google and my gmail accounts. So that’s going to be a longer project of disentangling. Hopefully using gmail in my duck duck go browser keeps me from being tracked a bit more. But hopefully new emails come to my new email account. I still get email to my deadname email account, AND it’s what I use for Youtube. So I gotta figure that out I guess.

Anyway, it’s just horrible watching the shit show downstairs (USA). I don’t know what they are gonna do to alter the course of all of this. And then getting dragged into it with these taunts that we’ll be the 51st state is just ridiculous, we are in the shittiest time line (sponsored by Amazon, Facebook, and Google!). I think I am going to start calling out corporations as sponsors of this shit every time there is a new awful story. American concentration camps (sponsored by Amazon, Facebook, and Google). Like that.

Aside from that I’m ok, recovered from that weird mini flu I had or whatever. It’s been tiresome sticking close to home. But tomorrow I am going to therapy and then later my guitar class. So I’m looking forward to that. I need to do more work on my songs, because like, I can do a song in parts, but putting it all together is hard. And I learned most of Wish You Were Here, but there’s a guitar solo with a bunch of slides that I haven’t learned yet. AND also I still want to learn the intro to Crazy on You but that’s like, complicated!

Next week is reading week, so I am off from work. I also finished up the recent version of my script, so that’s off my plate for now. And there was something else, OH marking, I did marking. So I’m caught up on that too. So today I relaxed, but felt guilty because captalist ideas of productivity and worth fucked with me. I did clean up and do the dishes though. And had a lovely nap. The snow is coming down so in the morning I’m going to have to shovel. I have to remember that before I end up trying to leave for therapy and get trapped by a snowdrift.

I’m in a good mood really. I felt despairing when I had a whole bunch of stuff all over the floor and needed to take out the garbage. But that’s over for now. I also got groceries yesterday, and some take out today, so I wasn’t starving all day which was nice. I’ve been paying someone back an EXTREMELY LARGE amount of money and that’s finally paid off, so I’m able to relax and just like, have money that sits in my account and doesn’t go anywhere really except to bills and rent and food. It’s really nice. I also cut way back on buying stuff in general.

I had a massage yesterday and I wish it was great and the person who does it DOES do a good job, but my tailbone still hurts and I was laying on my back and it just ACHED. So I guess I will wait a while before another massage. I also think I can’t really bottom with this tailbone doing it’s sad boy thing. Someone said “You could top instead” and I was like grumble grumble grumble. I mean I could there’s options ha ha. I could be a side, if being a side means we get to have sex on our sides. I actually don’t know what being a side means in gay lingo, I guess I should go look it up ha ha. OH I guess it means you don’t do anal. Which is true for me, but what is a trans fag if he uses his front hole? I guess we need another word for front hole/oral only bottoms. I’m taking suggestions! Put them in the comments ha ha.

My reserve voted yesterday on our Cows and Plows settlement, and the vote was a yes, so I am getting a chunk of money that will pay off my debt and give me enough leftover to go on a vacation to Barcelona and buy a new wardrobe. Or like, several new clothes anyway, that would fit my body better. But mostly I am excited to have a chance to start back with 0 from my debt instead of being all the way where I am now. I’m paying so much interest on my visa and I just want to pay the whole thing and then call and lower my limit so I don’t get in such debt again. And I will eventually be able to pay off old tax debt, because the payment comes in two parts. So after those two things are paid, I will go to Barcelona.

I don’t know why Barcelona. Spain seems to be progressive right now. And it’s very gay. And more sunny I hope. PLUS I have never been there before.

I’m sick right now, I have some kind of weird virus. Between my tailbone injury and now this cold/flu/whatever, I feel very much house bound and bored. I canceled class on Monday because I don’t think I can physically travel like this. Plus germs.

Anyway, sometimes things will be fine and then I just get REALLY TIRED. And need a nap. It’s exhausting being sick.

I’m trying to figure out what to do with my personal diaries. There’s like, years and years of them. I was keeping a doc file for them for a while, but with AI coming into Word, I want to do diaries offline again. So I am going back to a paper journal for the private thoughts. I have so much writing I don’t want to lose, but honestly my diaries are super boring and usually just me processing whatever crush I was having at the time. And then I guess the last while since I transitioned is like, hook up stories. Like I am not sure who wants to read that.

I’m Tired of the Fascism happening out here. I know most of it I am a bystander for right now, what with being in Canada. But there’s creeps here too who are threatened by my existence and others like me. I dunno it’s so ridiculous, to be concerned with what someone does with their own body. Do we have to get tattoos pre-Approved by the church too? Where does it end? Do I need to have hair of a certain length? Do I need to wear dresses? Are you going to make laws around clothing? The thing is I am old enough to hear stories from people who had those kinds of laws in their lifetime. We’re just going backwards. But it’s going to destroy so much development as a society, we’re going to lose so much knowledge about medicine and science, and art is going to disappear, or not get made. It’s frustrating to see it all unfold. I see even worse things coming, like a population largely under servitude and slavery. It’s so depressing and it’s not going to make the world more liveable or extend humanity for more years. It will probably ruin it and make humanity end sooner. We’re not getting off this rock. They can make all the space ships they want, but they keep blowing up when they send them off, and nothing looks massive enough to take people off the planet. Not like, a society. Just some jack off board room of genociders on their lonely space ship floating around a rock.

I think if they want to leave so bad, they should just go. None of us want them here. They make all those ships, go on then, use them and get the fuck off this planet. Exile yourselves from our beautiful home.

Ha ha omg so I was looking for props for this show and I found my Dollarama Dreamcatcher that I had in 2 Spirit Dreamcatcher Dot Com. I need to make a shadow box for it or something in case I ever have a show again. I remember when I found it, it was in the Canada Day display. It’s just an ugly piece of “leather” painted with two deer and in the middle of a hoop with tacky fake fringe. It’s really funny and not at all representative of a dreamcatcher except it’s round and you can hang it on the wall.

HA HA omg so I went to go take a picture of it and it wasn’t where I last saw it. So who knows where it went! Maybe the little people took it. They will give it back I just need to give them something shiny and a candy. In Argentina, the little people require offerings of liquor and cigarettes. Which is very specific ha ha.

I did chores today because I’m leaving tomorrow. I also am working on my animation lesson plan for Monday but its like, too difficult for the time we have, so I’m trying to figure out how to speed through something simple to demonstrate. We just got to make a caterpillar wiggle. That can’t be too hard. I made a rat run, so I could probably just reverse engineer it from that.

Anyway, ALSO I am working on writing my script. I have been slowly working at it, but I have to speed up. There’s a lot to be done around here, and my dogs aren’t able to help out. Although they provide great emotional support.

It’s been horrifying to watch what is happening next door. I’ve seen that trans people can’t get new passports issued at all, even if they go back to their assigned gender at birth, and also get their identification documents seized. It’s fucking creepy. I read so many books about the Holocaust and saw films and all that, when we were still educated on it a lot. And I remember reading about Jewish people losing their passports to the authorities.

I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t ever leave Canada again. I know some people like being here and never bother going anywhere. But I feel like I learn more about myself and the world every time I travel somewhere. Anyway, it’s very troubling and I’m really hoping I’m wrong about what is coming. That administration is so vindictive, and clearly Trump is a Russian agent because he is dismantling the USA. Elon also is likely a Russian agent. I shudder to think of what deals were made to ransack a country like that. We knew this was coming though. Like we saw it coming for a LONG TIME.

I remember when I was a baby dyke (before I was a baby trans) and I read this lesbian sci fi book about Christo-Fascists taking over the United States and how there was a civil war and some parts became their own countries. I could see that, but at the time I was just like “ooh interesting, good thing this hasn’t happened!” Omg.

BUT the point is it did seem to be coming. And now a lot of people have to resist, when we’ve been giving so much data to a surveillance company masquerading as social media.

I think I knew we were past the point of being able to resist like that when I took a plane and Delta didn’t scan my ticket, they scanned my face. And they KNEW who I was. Like it’s all out there, what do we do now?

I feel it’s reckless to be hopeless. I don’t think that’s something we can entertain, because it leads to apathy and apathy leads to defeat. Who is going to fight if you told them they already lost?

There ARE countries that resist after a coup. Although I did see someone in Latin America post on socials that they kind of had it coming for starting coups all over. Anyway ha ha I am not the best person for suggestions for resistance here, especially since it’s public. I am still engaging with Meta because my family members are there. I did completely close my Amazon account though. Shut it right down. I was so used to the convenience, so we’ll see how long I last. But honestly I don’t want to give Bezos another cent.

I did appreciate DeepSeek fucking over OpenAI. I don’t think OpenAI can claim anything about intellectual property, when they stole all of their datasets. I hope the AI bubble finally busts.

Anyway this is a messed up timeline. Even if we did see it coming. It’s just that people didn’t listen, or not enough, or maybe Elon Musk did hack the American election to make sure Trump won. All kinds of shady stuff.

Today I mended a button on my shirt, and another button that I accidentally took off. It was such time consuming methodical work, but it actually kind of helped my brain out. I can’t solve world problems but I can solve this button that Todd chewed up.

Note: The little people returned my Dollarama Dreamcatcher. Here it is!

Hi hi hi!

I’m so bad at promoting everywhere. My solo show at Doris McCarthy Gallery at University of Toronto-Scarborough campus is up! Go see some videos, gas masks, old cameras, an installation, one of my shirts I wore in a video, and the Evil Queen I used in Just Dandy! (Kind of, the original Evil Queen got chewed up by Posey, this is Evil Queen the Second. Who came from Italy by way of the Netherlands I guess ha ha, via Ebay.)

Wanda Nanibush curated this amazing show and wrote an essay for it that you can read here. She’s been great to work with! I so appreciate the care and attention she gave to me and my work.

I did a tour for a class on Tuesday and yesterday I did an Artist Talk. And on Feb 13th at 2-3pm EST my Mom and I are having a conversation on Zoom about our video Neurotransmitting which is in the show. And also the last day of the show is March 29th, when Wanda and I are having a conversation kind of at the gallery (across the hall) so you could come to that too! I believe it is at 2pm.

I’m not gonna mess up this post with any other life blab, except maybe that my tailbone is slowly healing but still not 100%. Maybe 70%. More like 60% actually ha ha. I guess also we’re socially going to hell in a hand basket right now, but I try to hang on to the things that make me happy. Like my guitar, and my art practice, and friends and family.

ALSO my new video Dreams of Sunlight Through Trees is at the exhibition so you can go see it!

ALSO there is a Queer Zine Making workshop with Heather Riley on March 1 from 1-3pm. So you can go to that too if you want to make a zine!

I will probably post again about this specific information in the not to distant future because I write here so much and things go way down the feed.

I have been meaning to re-release Bipolar Journey on itch.io and I had the hardest time getting around to it. BUT today I finally fixed it! I had issues because a sleepy pillbot was on two objects it had no business being on. And then I had to update it so you can hit escape to quit, because until now you needed to make your computer force quit it. It’s fixed! Also my name is updated on the credits.

It’s available for free! You can always make a donation when you download it though. Suggested is 10 dollars, but if you feel generous be generous!

It’s available here:

I’ve also been dealing with the SSL certificate on this site, which is newly generated and I’m not sure if I have to delete the cache to get it to update. We’ll see I guess, but yes it’s an admin day for me this afternoon.

Anyway go play my first ever video game! I think it’s funny. Only mildly stressful! I was hoping mental health care workers would play it and understand their patients more, or friends and family members of people with mood disorders. It’s not a super long game to play.

This is not for anyone who is actually at an end of life process, but more for people who have politically motivated despair regarding what is going on in the world right now.

Don’t die. Don’t do any of the things on purpose that would make you die sooner than you have to. Don’t do the fascists dirty work for them. And I am saying this as someone who has spent a lifetime (47 years this April!) struggling with IMMENSE suicidal ideation. Sometimes mainly because of my mood disorder, and sometimes as a result of life circumstances making me consider exiting early. Every time I felt that way, I ended up getting through it, and looking back now I am so glad I didn’t do the [redacted] things that would have stopped my time on this plane of existence.

There are going to be hard times. And we need you here. If you stay on certain social media sites, they are going to push violent bullying content into your feed that will brainwash you into thinking killing yourself is a wise choice. That is bullshit. They are triggering you on purpose. You don’t know if the stranger ridiculing you and attacking you for your identity is a bot. There are MANY bots on social media. We do not have an accurate picture anymore of the sentiment of the actual population.

What if you have more friends than enemies? What if this is an illusion? The actual people who voted in Trump do not reflect the majority of Americans who did not vote for Trump (or maybe even didn’t vote at all because the alternative was still violent and genocidal). There are still good people in the world who will help you.

And yes there are bad people out there, and you do need to be careful. I would recommend taking as much of your life offline as possible actually. Which is ridiculous because I have this overshare blog art project here. BUT what I mean is, don’t organize online. Don’t admit to “crimes” online. Assume Meta is reading everything in your Messenger and willing to hand it to the government, because they already do. Don’t use menstrual tracker apps. Be careful crossing borders with devices, use burner phones if you have to. Find articles that tell you how to lock down your privacy settings and go through everything you can. Delete stuff off your phone. Get used to having sensitive documents in places that can’t be accessed remotely. Go back to paper journals, if you like me have been journalling in Word or other text apps on your computer.

Be super aware of who is giving you information and for what purpose. Don’t believe everything, but also don’t ignore shit either. Be careful with things like ChatGPT and using them for therapy or basically ANYTHING sensitive. I mean ideally don’t use it at all, but also don’t feed it personal information that you don’t want fascists to know. Maintain your critical thinking skills. Don’t get duped into conspiracy theories.

And do not die. I am assuming you are reading this because you want to know what Indigiqueer trans folks are thinking about the world right now. My community, the Indigenous/Indigiqueer community, has dealt a lot with youth suicides. We know the heartache of losing youth who have so much promise and so much to give the world. And as someone who has lost loved ones to suicide, we don’t forget you. It’s always in the back of my mind, what my friends would be doing now if they were still here. My friend Matthew who died that way was so loved by the community and so many people were heart broken when he left and I don’t know if he realized that if things would be different. You matter. You are loved. Even if you think you’re just the crabbiest person no one would love, I promise you someone in your life is going to miss you if you’re not here tomorrow.

I know being hopeful seems impossible right now. But it is reckless to just assume there is no hope anymore. That’s how they win. You have to hope and dream and love. You have to find the small joys to get through right now. Don’t think joy is not revolutionary. Don’t think taking care of your own mental health is selfish or backwards. Don’t ignore your community and who is checking in on you.

I don’t know most of you, and I know I’m a bit more privileged by being in Canada right now. But this shit is coming here too, and the oligarchs who support Trump own most of the social media companies which the whole world uses. So be careful where you engage, what you consume, what you believe and take notice if you start to hate yourself because that means you probably need to change the online/offline spaces you are engaging.

Anyway, if you take nothing else from this blog. Please don’t die.

I played guitar for my therapist the other day which was super fun. And then just kind of held it and did random chords while talking about my problems. It was such a different way to do the therapy session, I kind of liked it. And not many people have seen me play guitar yet, just my instructors and my cousin and now her. It was kind of confidence boosting to do it in front of someone instead of all alone. I saw a substitute guitar instructor afterwards and he was telling me to record myself playing and post it on socials to get over being shy about playing. He also gave me a fun finger exercise that I think I am going to record and put online.

I have this mic set up but my only camera set up is the phone. I mean, I DO have a real DSLR camera but it has so many steps to making a video and I’m really just wanting to film a quick and dirty guitar practice. I have my computer web cam too I guess, but I don’t find the aesthetic appealing.

ANYWAY I did record it and it is on my Instagram if you are so inclined to look at it @poptartboyfriend

I am doing well. My first Canadian solo show opens Saturday Jan 18 at Doris McCarthy Gallery, opening is from 2pm to 4pm. It is curated by Wanda Nanibush and has 13 monitors and two projectors and many places for sitting. ALSO there’s some technology I used to use in filming in the gallery and some gas masks in the vitrines along with a shirt I wore in one video and a lot of stills from my videos. I wanted my therapist to come see it while it’s up but there’s some nakedness in it, so I made her a map with red lines in the spots where my videos have nudity and green lines where there is none. I’m honestly not sure she will be able to go because there really are tits out in the main gallery and they are hard to ignore.

I have so many boobs in my videos. And now they’re gone and my chest is different. Am I gonna have to make a bunch of new bare chested videos to make up for it?

Speaking of chests, I’ve started doing scar care for my revision, since it’s very healed now. I think it will be fine. I haven’t examined it very much recently though, I’ve been so busy with the new class and other work things. This week I went to the gallery twice for install and also had to do coding of a game in advance so I can teach it to my students on Monday. I’m worried the code is too hard, mostly just because it is lengthy. It is hard but also a lot of coding is copy pasting to be honest. BUT ALSO there’s general things they can learn from each new code. I don’t know, this is my first time doing this class. Anyway, I did figure out the coding for next week and I think I’m going to push off one of them until we do the audio week anyway. I usually teach it sooner, but I just didn’t get to it last class.

I have been enjoying my life I guess, regardless of the state of the world. My therapist said I was very expansive right now and that it was good I was doing things that were making me happy because that’s all I can really control.

I also slipped leaving my therapists office and hurt my tailbone. But I think my guitar saved me, because I was wearing it in it’s gig bag on my back and it made me sit down instead of hitting my spine on a step. So yeah my tailbone is bruised but it could have been worse! And it wasn’t my head. And my guitar is fine. I am fairly certain I didn’t break my tailbone though because I HAVE done that before and it was extremely painful and agonizing. And this does hurt, but not as bad and not as much. I took my last Tramadol from top surgery last night and had a lovely sleep and then it’s been Tylenol today.

I’m so exhausted. Yesterday I was super tired and today has been a bit more laid back. Because tomorrow is my opening and Sunday I go to London and Monday I have class! And then come back to Toronto. Busy three days in a row.

My mic stopped picking up Classical FM. It was a combo of putting ferrite cores on the cable and also hitting the PAD button on the mixer. I’m not sure yet which part is what stopped it from picking up that radio station. But I’m glad I can record using my computer now. I also got yet another xlr cable from Long and McQuade today and some new guitar picks. I’m trying to figure out what my fave pick is and I’m not sure yet, but I tried these cat tooth picks today and they are NICE. They are not slippery at all because they have a grip on them. Anyway, trying all kinds of things! I’m just in a process of learning.

I am upgrading some stuff around here. I can now record myself easier and do streaming or record directly onto my computer. So that’s cool. I keep threatening to start a podcast, but I don’t have a coherent idea of what I would talk about for it. Mostly I’m just able to record monologues and guitar practice easier. I recorded myself today trying to play guitar and sing at the same time. And then I LISTENED to it after. Which was interesting, it kind of gave me clues about what was working. Unfortunately there’s some radio interference in the big mic, so I have to swap XLR cables and see if that changes things. Hope so! I didn’t notice it when it was recording into the Zoom recorder.

I have started learning music to help me get over this emotional restriction I have about particular forms of beauty and art. It’s funny. BUT my next step is to include singing with my guitar playing, because it’s the only way for me to know how many lines to do. Lines is probably not the right word. Bars? But I just lose track if I have to count. But then singing AND playing guitar is not something I am used to either. It’s like patting your head and rubbing your tummy at the same time. And it took so long to even manage to learn doing one thing with my left hand while doing a different thing with my right hand. Now I have to do that AND sing? Ugh. Ha ha no it’s fun, it’s stretching me in a different way, which is cool. It’s a lot of work but I have seen progress, which is good. My guitar teacher said I have good flow when I’m doing spider walks, and that my palm muting is perfect. So it’s nice to see that improve. I also notice it sounds more like music when I practice now. I’m still struggling with the D chord though in this song, because it’s so out of place in terms of what my fingers do otherwise. I get a lot less buzzing in my playing now, although sometimes it still happens.

Things are fine otherwise. Classes began last week, so I taught some students about some basic game stuff. Tomorrow we learn more new stuff. I am going to lead them through making a game from start to finish. So that’s fun, I tested the code a bunch of times and it works. Not the way I anticipated though. Like, one code is to destroy the berries, but the code is on the berries and not on the hand that triggers the destruction. I don’t know, coding is weird. Trying to find where a code belongs can be a lot of work sometimes.

Anyway. It’s my second night in London since the semester started, and for a second time a hookup flaked. So maybe I will take that as a sign not to bother hooking up on Sunday nights. I quite like being alone doing my thing.

I’m having concerns about my capacity for romantic feelings for men. I was thinking I never had any. And then I got a bunch of crushes. And then I realized I was in love with a friend who was already dead but looked like a man during their time on earth. And then I realized I DO have capacity for romantic feelings for men and more masculine people. So I don’t know, I think it’s just because I haven’t had a real romantic relationship with a man yet.

I’ve been meeting interesting people on the apps, but there’s this strange kind of straight/bi guy that goes on Grindr looking for trans men and there’s this closeted thing going on there that I haven’t figured out. There’s like, this awkwardness sometimes, and shame. And it’s not everyone. But some of them have some real weird ideas. They are probably chasers. It feels sometimes like being training wheels for bisexual men to get with cis men. I know that’s probably not always what is going on. But it’s confusing for me because their sexuality is kind of confusing for them. So sometimes I think they didn’t expect me to look as much like a man. Or they approach my genitals in a funny way. I don’t know, it would be more convenient for me to find a decent human I could just be with and not keep looking.

I am still open to dating all genders. I haven’t gone on a date with a non-man in a long time though. It’s just, dating women has very advanced rules compared to dating guys who just send a pic of their dick. Like with dating women you have to put in more time getting to know them. And I don’t know, I would love to get to know men better actually. Like if I could combine how easy going gay hookups are with the challenge of lesbian bonding, that would probably work for me. Like yes, let’s go fuck in the bathroom (except no pick a better room) and then also have the tortured urge to hold hands and think about it for ten minutes before trying. A mix of swagger and anxiety.

It’s been fun having hookups. But yeah, I need something more substantial.

I’m tired. It’s been a travel day and then sitting in my hotel room reading terrible news. I feel sad about Los Angeles and the fires down there. And also climate change was a big reason I chose not to apply for work there. I hate being right already. And I hate to think about how many places in the world are going to be uninhabitable in the next couple of decades. It’s a rough time, especially when the ruling billionaires are fuelling culture wars to distract from Capitalism failing all of the rest of us.

In honesty, we need to demolish capitalism. It is not a sustainable system and it’s burning itself out. To the tune of trillions in the hands of the least ethical of us. It’s our money, they’ve just been scamming all of us out of it and trying to act innocent. Wages have not gone up. And in the Canadian Arts scene, grants haven’t really increased either to support artists. We’re kept poor and the administrative workers make much more than us. UGH hate it. I want to see capitalism fall in my lifetime. I would love to watch it burn instead of the world burning.

Recently a transphobe made a comment here that trans people are mentally ill. And I’m kind of like, are you new here? Did you know you’re literally trying to heckle someone who is already Bipolar 1? Do you know that I don’t care?

To be honest, I don’t think being trans is anything mentally ill about me. BUT ALSO the mentally ill parts of me are also worthy of love and care. You’re literally being ableist. Good work asshole. But anyway, I’m not actually invested in trying to link being trans and being mentally ill, and I can see why some people try to make a big deal over it because they think mental illness invalidates people.

But you know what? When I am depressed, I am sad. And none of your arguing that it is a mental illness stops me from feeling sad. Medication helps. Likewise, when I am manic, I am happy and/or aggressive. And none of saying it’s a mental illness changes the fact that I’m walking down an alley at 3am singing an obscure song I found on Limewire in 2004. What I mean is, my feelings are legit because I am feeling them. It doesn’t matter how I got there, it just matters that I’m in that mood and sometimes it’s an emergency.

And there’s perfectly reasonable treatments for trans feelings that cis people have been using for years, like hormones. And that trans people have been using for years. And I don’t care about your opinions on my body or what I do with it. Because this body isn’t for you, sorry to say. I know, so heartbreaking.

But really, if you are one of these people clutching your pearls over trans people existing, you REALLY need to get out in the world and not hiding in your shitty church basement.