Hey everyone! I am bad at doing promo here. But I am showing “Carmilla the Lonely” at ImagineNATIVE this year in the INdigital Space and also online!

INdigital Arcade at ImagineNATIVE

ALSO my video about my transition, “Dreams of Sunlight Through Trees” shows this Saturday June 7 at 5:30pm at ImagineNATIVE (TIFF Lightbox)

Rainbow Shorts program at ImagineNATIVE

Hope you can go see them! The arcade is open during the festival and also online. The film shows both in person and online, so if you are wanting to see it but aren’t in Toronto, please do check it out. I think the online part of the festival is next week?

Thanks to ImagineNATIVE for supporting my work all these years!

I’m trying to remember where I met jes sachse. I’m honestly not sure, our friend Elwood spent time with both of us. One time jes and I had some kind of fancy drinks and food in some hipster type place. They were always really friendly with me. We were fb friends for a long time, I don’t remember when that started either. I’ve been in Toronto for 11 years this summer and it just feels like jes was always around.

We were getting closer more recently because they were looking after my dogs. So we texted a lot and they were very sociable. I remember their text used their email address (I’m not sure how it works) and they could only text when they had wifi. They called Todd “horny Todd” which is true because he is constantly trying to hump Posey and apparently also jes (he never humps me, only strangers I guess). They were just starting to see Posey warm up to them, which I was happy about because she needs more friends.

Elwood had us over for Christmas snacks one day and jes brought us these gourmet doughnuts. Mine was red velvet. Another time we went for I think maybe thanksgiving dinner together at the Blake House. It was so nice hanging out with both of them.

jes was really amazing in a very not quiet way. They had a lot of respect from people I knew anyway. They made sure people respected disabled artists and brought attention to the way we often end up living in poverty. They gave a lot to our community.

I still don’t know how to encapsulate my relationship with jes except we were friends and they were a great conversationalist about crushes and love and sex and life. They were really funny and respectful, which is a great combo. I found something today that made me think about them more. It’s still hard to believe they are gone. The week it happened I was trying to get in touch with them and then found out from Elwood what had occurred. It’s so strange to lose someone suddenly like that, no warning at all.

I think about all kinds of conversations we can’t have anymore.

I hope more people hear about them in the years to come. They made a difference in this world.

Last night was the Decolonized Beatz event for the students showing their videos. It went well, great videos, the students had some good things to say. A few tech issues but overall I’m happy the event managed to occur.

Last week I did the Trans Piss Project FINALLY after talking/thinking about it for a year. So that was one project I was working on for a while and just had to wait for the 3D prints/jar/urine/camera/foamcore all to align. And it finally did and now it’s out there.

The third thing was the first thing I finished last week, the current draft of my script for macîskotêw (Evil Fire). It’s taken some twists and turns. I think the consultations with family members of MMIP and the former police officer were the most helpful for pushing it to a better place. I think we’re trying for production funds next year, so we’ll see how it goes. It’s been worked on on and off for ten years which is a long time. But also it’s a super ambitious project for a first feature so I guess I can see why it’s taken so long to get here. I also did learn a lot about myself as a scriptwriter this past decade.

So that’s three major projects wrapped up (for now, in the case of the script, which obviously has further places to go before it’s a film).

I am still working on:

1 script
1 webseries
2 short films
1 video game
1 documentary trilogy
1 podcast

So those are all in the queue. I really just work on things as soon as I get a breakthrough on them which sort of fuels finishing it. But sometimes I have to force a breakthrough which can be awkward. I find going for walks helps me think. A lot of my projects can be finished with my own gear, which is good. Some has funding attached which is helpful, including my short film POOR I want to make this summer/fall. Some of them are partially done and just need the last push. But the script and the short films are probably higher priority this summer so I can get final reports in.

I am doing well on guitar practice! Having the telecaster has sort of reinvigorated my desire to practice. I was working on Come As You Are by Nirvana and I’m doing pretty good on most parts except for the solo nearer to the end. I am learning to go from A chord to C chord. I got the riff down pretty good and in two places on my guitar. I also take out the acoustic still and play it too. I’m enjoying playing with both of them.

I’m still not performing in front of anyone except for my teacher and my therapist (and my friend Riki saw me practice). I know I have to perform in front of people but I’m nervous. Which doesn’t make sense, I’ve literally been naked in front of audiences while doing performance art. But music is a different kind of naked!

But also getting over this barrier was one of the reason I decided to start playing guitar. So logically I should perform in front of people.

But also! I feel I’m not ready yet because I don’t know how to sing and play at the same time yet. I just switch to going down up down up when the strumming patterns are different. It’s just something I have to work at. I could play without singing but ehhh that’s not totally what I want to do.

I feel really constrained when it comes to singing. I had a friend named Carla-Marie Powers who was a singer and she said anyone could learn to sing. Which was nice to hear but I still felt ashamed of singing because of how I was raised. So I never really practiced. I sing songs to the dogs all the time, but dog songs are different. Maybe I need to sing some Nirvana to the dogs. Or Four Non Blondes. Or the Cranberries, although I have to admit the BPM on Zombie is still too fast for me.

BUT ALSO my voice has changed on testosterone and I’ve never really explored it in singing. It’s measuring at a baritone.

But also, I think it’s fine if it takes me a while to prepare before I decide to perform in front of people.

Anyway I’m really happy that three projects have wrapped up. It’s been a lot of work, and now there’s space in the immediate future to work on other things.

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Here’s a clip of me playing and talking about my new name for my guitar! I don’t like the way the backend looks of this embed code ha ha geez.

I was pissed off, or probably I still am, and last year I started dreaming up this project of playing off the Piss Christ photo with three transphobic billionaires submerged in a jar of 100% trans piss. I got the 3D print instructions last year and then it just kind of sat around in my computer. And then this year things just got worse and worse and I got fed up and a friend printed them for me. So this morning I finally did the Trans Piss Project. It was messy. I had really pale piss yesterday when I started collecting, but this morning I got the first pee of the day so it’s darker. Collecting pee is ridiculous, but I’m glad I can dump it in the toilet now.

So I am hoping someone will actually want to show the series, like in a gallery. I need to get professional prints done though. It’s not iPhone photos, I used a macro lens and a DSLR and everything! Right now it’s just named the Trans Piss Project, I’m not anticipating adding more billionaires although considering Zuckerberg decided to stop protecting trans people on Meta, he’s a legit potential for the pee jar.

It’s juvenile I’m sure, but so is telling someone they can’t use the bathroom because you don’t like their body.

I’m doing laundry, I’ve had a good week. I did all the things I wanted to be doing this summer, so hopefully that continues. I had some sexy times. I played guitar a lot. I got a new amp for my telecaster so that I can learn more about playing it. I did a lot of work too. I’ve been emailing and doing video stuff and working on a rewrite of my script. I watched a zoom meeting I had with a consultant and it helped kickstart how I can do this ending differently but the same kind of. Like, there are major plot points changing. But ultimately it’s similar in tone.

Also did work on my unfunded book, but not as much as I hoped. I just really find when I focus on one creative thing, it’s difficult to switch to another quickly and then go back. Like I do like to hyper focus on projects when I’m doing them. But also there’s lots of other work to be doing. Anyway, I can kind of multitask, but when I’m thinking through something creatively I like to give it my full attention for those few hours of the day. But also I have a lot of projects on the go.

I also have to write ANOTHER script, and then I have to do a short film this summer. Which is going to be hard because everyone shoots in the summer. I could move it to the fall I guess, I need to put up a casting call anyway.

I’m wrapping up a longer project soon which is nice, I like how the work turned out. It’s my student’s work, so I’m really happy with what they’ve created and I hope they have an amazing screening. It’s in Washington DC though so I cannot go because of policies around trans people’s identification at the border. And I don’t want to be a trans man in some foreign prison. That sounds like the worst. And even if they just sent me straight back, they could still ban me from the United States forever. So just waiting and seeing how this all shifts and settles in the next 4-10 years or so. I mean who knows, maybe it will still be a bad idea to go in 2035.

I am kind of jealous when I see cis people cross the border so easily and not be worried. I mean maybe they are worried, but just the fact that they feel they even can cross the border is depressing for me who knows I can’t. I do like stuff in the United States, not enough to live there, but like I do have friends down there and stuff. It’s hard to accept sometimes that there are countries I can’t go to ever because of my gender and sexuality. I kind of just thought oh well. But now one is the downstairs neighbour. So that sucks.

Sorry, neighbor.

Ha ha.

I did have a good week though! I was very busy with work stuff and sexy stuff and guitar stuff. And I got to play with my acoustic guitar in therapy which was super fun. I wasn’t playing my therapist full songs, just little bits here and there. What I found really interesting was that sometimes while talking to her with my guitar I felt protected, and other times I felt vulnerable. And I was able to make more sustained eye contact I think. Which was cool and makes me wonder what kind of performer I would be in front of people.

People are always asking me how I can make such vulnerable work and it’s like I don’t know it just happens, do you know how to stop it? Ha ha ha.

Anyway the dog was being cute and I was talking to him and told him he was a good girl, because I was petting Posey just before. And then I was like oh Todd! I misgendered you! They are both the same shape of dog, sometimes I get confused in the dark. Although Posey has more coarse fur and he still has baby soft fur.

I went back to the gym today too! I started out light. It’s been ok! I just really liked getting a muscley body last year and while I was a professor/artist in residence at Western and traveling two days out of the week I didn’t have time or energy to work out. But now I do have energy for it!

Also I am a Queer/Trans artist in residence at the Mark S. Bonham Centre for Sexual Diversity Studies at U of T 2025-2026. Which will be exciting! I am working on the trans climate migrant doc while I am there, so hopefully it’s a really good experience. I will have an office. And I can actually just get there on the ttc, not ttc/uber/via rail/uber to get there. I will have so much more time when the commute is gone. So I’m hoping to get ahead on a few things. I’m still working on multiple projects ha ha I don’t know how I got here, but I can see some stuff wrapping up.

I’m back in Toronto! And I got a new guitar! It’s a Fender player II HH Telecaster. It’s SO NICE! It does have a buzz on the low E string which I have to figure out. I think it needs a set up. I didn’t get a gig bag for it, so I ordered one. I ordered a case too, but that’s more for planes. Have no idea if I will keep it though, I could do better with just the gig bag. I could lend the case to people who need to travel I guess, but usually people have their own stuff.

I had a cord and an amp anyway from my traveller guitar. But I should probably get a better amp at some point.

At the same time, when I finally got my acoustic out that I had left here while I was in Saskatoon it was SO NICE to play. I feel like I am developing an emotional connection with my guitar which is really interesting. I love him! Or her! Or it! I don’t know what gender it has ha ha maybe none. It’s genderless. I look pretty sexy with the Fender too.

Here I am with my new guitar! I haven’t recorded myself playing it yet. I don’t know much about electric guitars, I do know how to play some stuff that I learned on my acoustic. I need to learn how to get the tones right. I don’t know the settings very well. While I was googling guitar lessons online I found a course on guitar for beginners through Coursera. So I started the first module, it was pretty extensive but also mostly things I already knew from my lessons on acoustic. I’m excited to see where it goes though because I’m hoping I can deepen my understanding of it.

I’m still taking lessons from my guy in town. I missed I think two lessons while I was in Europe. But I did the Saskatoon lesson because I could borrow my friends acoustic for it. And I have my travel guitar. He showed me how to do the rhythm guitar for Dreams by Fleetwood Mac, and a lick from it, but sort of adapted because they used a lot of effects in their version. It is fairly simple. I was practicing that and Zombie and What’s Up and I got it going pretty good. I think I might start trying to sing, but that makes me so nervous but also I need to get over my fear of it.

I’m feeling pretty happy about my life right now. It’s sort of a pleasurable life. Yesterday I had sex with an ongoing hookup and it was super fun, and today is a different guy. And I play my guitar and smoke weed and make art and read things and listen to music. I have to start recording my practices so that I can make a video out of it. It’s like, a background video for a performance I’m doing in Regina. I was anticipating that I would play really badly, but today when I was practicing I was noticing I’m getting really good at it. I do need to use a metronome though. I need to get the tempo right and I need to sing while I play. But yeah, and traveling was super nice in a pleasurable way even though I’m really happy to be home with the dogs now.

I’m also having a really good time with my writing right now. I’m working on a few things including this unfunded book. The book is coming along. I’ve got 24 pages written now. But things happen very quickly in it and I know it’s more of a prose-y outline than the book as I envision it in the future. But I’m hoping to get 100 pages down with the entire story and then go back over it and rewrite things and expand them. I also think when it’s all down I can go back in and change some things around. Like, a lot of the story is given away already, but I think I’m going to try and save some stuff for later on when I rewrite it. Because it’s better to keep some secrets along the way and let the reader discover it.

I’ve also been doing a lot of edibles these days and it’s kind of ridiculous so I’m going to cut back. It was fine on vacation though. And I did shrooms with my friend and had a pleasant time. But the combo of Mind Altering Substances and Writing a Novel is triggering all my anxieties about going through a psychotic break. I’m fine. I did my checklist. My sleep is amazing! Never better, and when I’m having mental episodes my sleep sucks ass. So I know that’s fine. I’m able to make decisions about my life, so that’s fine. I am having more sex but that’s not really a new thing. But mostly what’s making me anxious is that whenever I had a psychotic break it would be like being stuck in a story with no end. Like I knew some of my delusions were a story I was making up but I was also living in it and stuck in it. While when I’m not on as many edibles, I can see how this story I’m living with is just me being creative. The other day I went to see Sinners (such a good film!) and in the beginning with the horror trailers before the movie I was like “OH NO I’m not at the right film for these edibles!” But I was fine. BUT yeah I seem to be good at reminding myself I’m on drugs when I’m on drugs.

I also have to get into my scriptwriting. I think I am untangling what this next draft will look like, but it’s different. Like the end setting is different. But similar.

Yeah so this summer I just want to play guitar, go to the gym, write, make art, have sex, read, watch films, and listen to music. And Cows and Plows is supposed to be coming soon, so I should be able to get by. ALSO I have funds to make a short film! So I will also be doing that, which also involves me acting on screen for the entire film. I was going to have to cry at the end, but now I’m thinking maybe that’s not as realistic. Especially for a trans man, I mean it’s just hard for us to cry. Not everyone but it’s common to have difficulty crying on testosterone. I CAN cry but it’s rare, especially compared to before when I cried every day on estrogen.

Anyway lots of work to do but also I find myself doing things that I am enjoying, which is a great place to be in at the age of 47!

I’m in Saskatoon at my friend Riki’s place. The day I left Toronto I found out Jes Sachse died, which was so sudden and unexpected. We were becoming better friends recently and texting off and on and they were supposed to look after my dogs before this happened. They got along great with the dogs, which is good because they are fussy beasts. I’m not really going to make a big long post about them here except they were super important to me and the communities they belonged to, and a lot of us are going to miss them, and that it’s hard to do justice to the person they were in text. So I am thinking about them a lot right now.

Saskatoon itself has been ok so far. I saw my Mom when I arrived and yesterday for Mother’s Day and today for lunch. And I saw two cousins for different lunch/brunches, and two uncles and two aunties. So that was nice. I’m trying to be patient with misgendering but people still slip up. Mostly I just hope they correct themselves but sometimes they just keep talking so I don’t say something. Anyway, it is what it is. I think it looks a bit ridiculous to be called she or my old name when I’m bald and have no tits and have wide shoulders. Strangers never misgender me, which is nice and I think probably makes up for it.

I really didn’t want to be here super long. I can’t do two weeks here anymore. I’m supposed to come to Regina for a performance, but I’m only staying two nights. I have a lot of stuff I need to be doing back home. And home isn’t Saskatchewan anymore. And I need to work from home and be with my dogs and that kind of thing. And the dogs have been SO PATIENT with me going away two days of the week, but that’s over and I want to be home with them now.

Plus I want to keep practicing my guitars and start back at the gym. I can tell my muscles just need to get pumped again. I did some workouts in Germany at the hotel gym, and it was REALLY good for me and I could see my muscles starting to remember they exist. But yeah, I didn’t really go to the gym at all while I was working in London. I had no time or energy, it was hard. And now I want to do two or three times a week again. It would be so nice! Plus I can show off at the beach. Maybe with my guitar but probably not, I have strong feelings about taking up auditory space at the fucking beach where people don’t want to hear it ha ha. Like that damn gay speaker guy who plays EDM on a massive speaker at Hanlan’s. NO ONE LIKES IT! It’s annoying! Use headphones! This isn’t the fucking club ha ha. Crank.

But yeah, I am starting a new gig in September which will be announced later this month. So some stuff is happening for me in the future, and it will pay my rent and bills which leaves me with needing to get extra money for groceries/gym/entertainment etc. Not a bad baseline of money though and other stuff is often coming in.

I was practicing guitar in Riki’s living room and Riki was doing something else, but it made me a bit less self conscious about playing music in front of someone. I was also so out of practice and also using the traveler guitar which I am not used to. It’s a tiny bit smaller so I am having to adjust. I discovered this too in Amsterdam with the rental guitar, if it’s not the same size as my Martin, I get all clumsy and awkward and annoyed. I get annoyed by other guitars so much when I start playing them ha ha it’s prob not fair. It’s only that my fingers need to get to know where the strings are. But I’m so disappointed right away like “Ugh I HATE this guitar!” It’s usually a perfectly fine guitar.

I know I have to bite the bullet and perform in front of people at some time though. My teacher was telling me to do something at the recital at the end of spring term, but I might wait until December’s recital. I just don’t feel there yet. I think I’m also just nervous. I was thinking of bringing my guitar to play at my therapist’s office again because it was fun when we did that. And it got me out of some of my shyness about performing. One time my therapist said she didn’t even know I was shy because I came in and started talking really openly right away. Funny! I’m not always shy though so much as people don’t give me room to speak so I won’t speak. Which is their own damn fault so I guess it’s no loss and they can read this blog later and see what I thought of something I suppose. Cree people like to think before we speak (surprising to others) so there’s usually a pause before we say something, and by then some white person has started talking. Unless it’s just Crees I guess. Maybe I need to hang out with more Indigenous people though because I don’t have this problem there as much.

Anyway omg I got a ribbon shirt today! My first ribbon shirt! It’s so gorgeous, it’s a black shirt with white polka dots and purple ribbons. It’s SO NICE. I made sure to try it on and it fits so I’m happy about that because I’ve been bad about getting things that don’t fit. I am learning! I also bought some new runners, because this ridiculous thing happened that turned my old ones toxic.

So I was at this sexy night party thing and I was in the women’s room (it kind of was gender neutral) and anyway this florescent light fell and smashed all around my feet. And I just stood there terrified and these women were like “OMG are you ok?” and I was like I think so? And then finally left. And then I felt like there was glass on me, so I left and took an uber home. And then I took off my jeans, socks, and shoes in the stairwell. And I think I am going to throw them away when I get home, they gotta go. I read about how toxic those bulbs are and it’s like yeah that’s bad! My poor polluted body!

They were good runners tho, but also my toenail was cutting into the toe, so they had holes in them.

Ahh this isn’t a very illuminating post ha ha. I have no wisdoms to impart today. I did some work today too, had a meeting and also exported a video for a Q&A thing later this month that needs translating. I have to come up with some questions still. I also need to practice guitar and get some pages in for my novel. I’m at 14 pages now which is decent I think. I don’t think the formatting is totally correct though so I need to see how dialogue is usually formatted in novels. I’m used to script formatting but that’s different. I will probably need an editor at some point but I am SO cautious of who finds out this story because it’s extremely valuable IP that I could see people stealing. Even my therapist said not to tell anyone the story until I publish. I’m not getting fucked over! Plus I feel like I was given this story so I’m responsible for it, and someone else might do it dirty.

I wish we didn’t have to worry about the theft of ideas. But AI and those tech bros have made it so acceptable to plagiarize. Like, it’s ridiculous, people think this grey goo chat gpt shit is a great idea, to not have an idea, but get commended for having the wisdom to type a prompt. That’s so lazy, so much of humanity is becoming so lazy and uninformed because of AI. It’s the worst. And the sad thing is works of genius getting called AI because no one could draw that good etc. Like maybe YOU can’t draw that good because you get your computer to draw something for you. Arg.

I’m sure AI has been chewing up this blog. My nightmare is that after my death someone will make an AI of me. Please know I do not condone this and never want to be represented by predictive writing software.

I am back from Amsterdam! I can sleep in tomorrow which is nice, today I had therapy. I had a crazy wild time in Amsterdam. No drinking though, although I admit I was SO FUCKING TEMPTED to drink. It’s a party town for sure, and I was in a very central area near the red light district and the gay neighbourhood. There was a really good cannabis cafe nearby, but everyone who went there seemed to be a tourist. And although I like that you can smoke on the premises, I think the Canadian cannabis situation is better. For a few reasons but mostly that it’s more legal in Canada and only decriminalized in Amsterdam. Anyway, that and sex was the only super debauched stuff I did there. But like I said, no drinking, so I think it went well. I went to a tulip farm which was super wholesome and a tulip garden and on a windmill tour. Just cute touristy Dutch stuff. I did rent a guitar for three days I was there. I was busy the other days and also they weren’t open on the weekend, so it was the only time I had with it. It was nice to play a different guitar, although it was different than mine and awkward to learn off the bat. I also just need a lot more practice.

I had some good hookups and one totally fucking wild nsfw adventure in the gay sauna. I probably shouldn’t write about it here. But it was super fun. I was also being good about taking my PrEP and DOXY-PEP.

I feel really fortunate to have a good GP. She’s been so supportive of my decisions around my body, gender, and sexuality. She’s never been judgey about it. I haven’t always been so lucky.

I also went to the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam which was good. Intense. But wow I remember reading her diary in elementary school and to be in the rooms where all of that happened was incredible. And sad. I thought a lot about all the stories she never got to write. I even got to see the original diaries, which were amazing. I wonder how many other stories we need to hear and never did.

I also went to Mr. B and got a leather hat and a new soft suede flogger, and then went back and got a leather vest. When I was trying to see if he had my size in these vests he lifted one up and was like “We have this in your size” and it was a big black and red vest with the word FIST on the back in red. And I was like “Uhhhh.” And he was like “Don’t like the message?” Ha ha ha omg like that is a fun activity but I don’t want to base my life around it. Anyway I got a cute black vest with a red stripe down the sides. So that makes me happy. I wanted a vest I could wear out and about and not only at fetish/leather events. A multipurpose leather item. Anyway it’s coming out of my cows and plows money so that’s like, my one silly series of purchases.

I didn’t get my travel grant for my trip, so I’m paying for it with cows and plows. Which is fine but annoying because I would have applied to the ISO but they closed travel grant applications just for the time before my trip and then when it opened again I wasn’t eligible anymore because I was on the trip. Ahhh so frustrating. But whatever, it was also my birthday vacation, and the festival did give me some nights in the hotel and money towards travel.

ANYWAY WHAT ELSE?

Ahh I dunno. Traveling was good for me. I felt all these creative ideas coming to me, and having sexual adventures in Amsterdam was good for me too. I found the men out there were better with t dick than the ones in Toronto. Toronto feels very PIV City, which is not the best. I like a bunch of things! I think I just need to keep circulating. I also want to explore more t4t encounters with various types of t folks. But also I’m just in a very open stage right now in my life and exploring but I think also available for serious things. I always end up acting like this where I’m like “Slutty adventures are amazing…BUT the right person could date me too!” It’s kind of silly. I do want love though, I guess I just feel like I want all of it and I don’t know, maybe people just think I’m a greedy bisexual or something. But also maybe one person could satisfy me, I’ve never had someone focused on me like that before. Who knows.

I know I want love though, like I could romantically devote myself to one person. And maybe have fun elsewhere if it’s ok with both of us. But maybe not I don’t know. I’m not really monogamous or polyamorous, I’m more ambiamorous. I could be either. Sometimes I feel more monogamous than other times.

I think I’m ending up with more crushes though, or maybe it’s springtime and people look cute.

I learned a lot about myself on this trip.

When I came home I tried my traveler guitar. It’s an acoustic electric, so if you change the settings on the amp it can either sound like an acoustic guitar or like an electric guitar. It’s fascinating. I was all into my Martin D10E, but this guy has such a cool sound when it’s more electric. And I know just enough guitar stuff that I could apply it to that one and make some interesting noises. It’s just a guitar for practicing on the road though. But I do think maybe I should also get a real electric guitar at some point. I mean, it’s a real guitar. But maybe a Stratocaster could be fun.

I still feel shy about playing in front of people, and I probably won’t do a recital until the winter. But I do feel like it’s been nine months since I got my first guitar and started learning and that’s finally opened me up to playing with music. That was such a barrier in me for so long. But I know it’s similar to filmmaking which is why I wanted to learn it. I feel very playful and curious about sounds and feelings right now. And desire and knowledge.

I wonder if I should name my guitars. I don’t just want to call them The Martin and the Traveler guitar. I also was never someone who named my stuffed animals as a kid though, so maybe I just don’t name objects like that. I never had a pet name for my genitals or breasts either. I don’t understand it. Todd and Posey have names though, but it’s so they know who I am talking to and also they are living sentient beings.

I wish I had a bigger apartment, with a studio for editing and music. I do all my creative stuff in my living room. It’s fine but man, more space would be amazing.

I’ve been at this hotel in Osnabrück eating so much meat every morning for breakfast. I was here for the European Media Art Festival which has just wrapped up today. Today I spent four hours doing laundry. It was kind of insane. The washer was fine except it took twice as long as my washer takes back home. ANd then the dryer kept lying to me about how much more time it was going to take to dry my clothes. I went in and it said 20 minutes left, so 20 minutes I came back and it said 15 minutes left, so 15 minutes later I came back and it said 37 minutes left. So I opened the dryer to see how dry it was and then it went back to 1hr 8 minutes. ARGH! Finally I just pulled my stuff out even though the socks were still a bit damp. It’s fine. I think it was two loads of laundry I was trying to do as one load. Oops!

The festival was really good! I was hanging out with Adam Khalil and Walter Scott and Sylvia Schedelbauer and a bunch of other folks. It was also my birthday so they took me out for Indian food. It was really good! I also had currywurst for lunch which was not bad. Currywurst can be hit or miss sometimes. Usually miss but I guess it depends where you go. I also went with Walter to this dismal German restaurant where I got meat I assume was boar, on top of the most disgusting goulash I’ve ever had. With sad previously frozen broccoli. Walter had a very sad salad with wet turkey chunks. I stayed an extra night, most people left today. I’m going to Amsterdam in the morning and I guess didn’t feel like leaving early.

I was trying to get my travel guitar before I left Toronto, but they shipped it the day I flew here and it arrived in Toronto shortly after. So it’s at home. I found a place to rent a Martin DM to use in Amsterdam for a few days to do some practicing. I need to get cash to give to the dude so I can put a deposit down etc. I was going to rent a real high end Martin just to see what it’s like, but it was gonna have like, a 3500 dollar deposit and that’s just kinda wild for me, so no. Plus I am just practicing. I brought my music sheets with me, so I’m excited. Also picks! I’m ready! I pick it up on Wednesday. Tuesday I’m at a tulip farm all day, so I wasn’t going to have time to go to the rental place. I had a ghost tour booked and the people cancelled it, so I booked a different ghost tour on the same evening with someone else. I kind of love ghost tours because you learn all kinds of history when you go. I’ve done ghost tours in Paris, London, New Orleans, Vienna. I think other places too but I don’t remember them all. Surprisingly I’ve never done a Toronto ghost tour, which is a real oversight considering that’s my hometown now.

I saw some great films at this festival. Adam did a program of work about Germans who pretend to be Indians and it had a very awkward Q&A with someone who was trying to defend Karl May and it got tense omg. Hitler was a big fan of Karl May but this audience member was trying to say Karl May opened up people’s minds. Except for Hitler obviously!

Omg anyway…

I had a hard time staying up late, kept going home to the hotel to crash around 10 or 11. Last night I stayed out until midnight and then had to tap out. I do tend to travel a lot with my work, so to me home is just where ever my suitcase is. I mean I do have a home, my pups are back there with the sitter having a good time. I miss their little faces! Not their barking though. Todd loves to bark.

I turned 47 yesterday! It was so nice, when I went down for dinner the lady who took my room number said “It’s your birthday! Happy birthday!” And then she came by with a chocolate cupcake with a candle in it. So sweet! And then I had my screening that morning. It went really well, people had a good response to it. And then the festival people gave me a carrot cupcake with three candles in it. So sweet! And a flower. And then my friends took me to dinner and the Indian restaurant gave me TWO pieces of cheesecake AND gulub jamun which I love. But by then I was SO STUFFED I could only eat one little gulub jamun. Aww I had to tap out.

Today has been relatively low key. I went to go see the award winning film this morning, and then was doing laundry, and then just vegged out in my hotel room. Socializing really takes it out of me so it was kind of nice to recharge myself with some quiet time. I normally spend most of my week in Toronto being alone at home with the dogs. I guess I am reclusive? I don’t know, the pandemic turned me into a mega homebody.

I’m doing well otherwise. I have enough to survive right now. My last payment from Western is coming this week, which will be great. I should hear about my travel grant soon. I submitted the big grant on time, so I will hear back in October. I’ve got to figure out some more income this summer though and early fall. I might need to find some workshop gigs or something. I was worried I didn’t get paid a fee, but today I checked my PayPal and the fee was in there, so that was helpful. I also still got to do some pre-production stuff for my short film, including finding a pop-ish musician who will let me use their song. I can pay $1000 but I want to find a really good song. I sent an email to this one band to ask a while ago, but at that point I didn’t have the grant and now I do. So I may send them an email again.

I got annoyed this afternoon but I let it go. It was probably left over annoyance from the long wait to get my laundry done. I’m so glad I didn’t wait until tonight though, because I would have been really grumpy staying up so late trying to dry my clothes.

I had a great time at this festival. Over 3500 submissions came and they only chose 31 for their International Selection, including Dreams of Sunlight Through Trees. So that was really good to hear. So competitive! I’ve been trying to figure out where its audience is. It keeps getting rejected from festivals in the United States, to the point that I am considering stopping submitting to American festivals. It’s just a waste of money really. It showed in a Union Docs membership screening, but that’s all that it’s done in the States. Someone here told me it was a lifesaving film though, so it’s kind of sad American audiences aren’t going to see it. Unless I made it available for anyone on my Vimeo though, but then that screws up my festival tour because they don’t like showing stuff that is already online.

I am showing it at a few places in Toronto which is good. So at least it has hometown support! And it did have a world premiere at Melbourne Queer Film Festival which was nice, although I couldn’t be there because of work.

Now that my teaching gigs are over I can travel again, which is exciting for me. It would be nice to show somewhere else I can travel to.

I’m excited for Amsterdam tomorrow. I’m doing a bunch of touristy stuff. And museums etc. The gay sauna has a queer night where anyone can go, so I might check that out. I’m going on a boat cruise where you can smoke weed. Tulip farm, but tomorrow I need to go get some snacks for my lunch because I don’t think they feed you. I have a ghost tour booked too which will be fun. And going to the Anne Frank House which will be good but sad.

I got two ideas for creative projects while on my trip. One is a video based performance I need to do in June in Regina. And another is a novel I want to write. I was actually on the train from Amsterdam to Osnabrück when it came to me, just this idea that seemed to come from the ether and talks about a lot of things I have been thinking about about genocide and memory. I guess it could be a film, but to be honest the feature I’ve been working on has taken so long to come together and it has been so hard to convince people to give me money for production, that I feel like it would be easier to write a novel where I don’t need to raise millions of dollars. I don’t want to wait for a bunch of people to give me permission to make it. And this way I can just write it, and I’m constantly writing anyway. I could peck away at it. I sat down in a break on my birthday and wrote just over two pages of an outline for it. I think it’s an idea people will steal though, so I am super careful about who I talk to about it. I might just talk to my therapist about it honestly until it’s more advanced.

I also do still have to finish my feature script. I’ve been reconceptualizing part of it and it’s been tricky. I am changing some big things but I think it will make the story more logical. It does abandon one thing I thought was a really important part, but the story doesn’t support that part anymore.

Anyway, I am feeling grateful about spending time with filmmakers and working through concepts and also just being exposed to other films and seeing ways other filmmakers have told their stories.

LONG ENTRY! I will probably not write again until after I’m back home from Amsterdam. Unless something interesting happens? Or when I get spare time? Who knows.

The election is tomorrow. I hope we get a humane government and not the cruelty of the Conservatives.

I voted on the first day of Advance Polls. I do want the Liberals to win. HOWEVER I did not vote for the Liberals, I am in a fairly safe riding for Liberals to win and ultimately I felt the NDP Candidate was more aligned with my values. Also I sent her a message to find out her position on trans rights and got this amazing email back about how she provides gender affirming care in her family medicine practice, and that she believes the rising anti-trans sentiment to be foreign interference from American hate groups. Which I believe too! Anyway, she had my vote, even though I want the Liberals to get in.

I know it’s a super important election. NDP are not going to form government and will probably lose seats. And they are also an imperfect party, who have had positions I don’t agree with. And Mark Carney probably is the best one to lead us right now. But also the NDP supporting a Liberal minority government did get us some gains in Pharmacare and Dental Care. So I’m a bit hesitant about how a Liberal Majority government might not bother respecting the NDP and Bloc voters who have switch their votes this go around. I guess we will find out!

But please vote for the candidate best positioned to block a Conservative in your riding.

It’s been wild watching the disinformation on Facebook. Conservatives trying to manipulate Indigenous voters into voting against the Liberals do piss me off. The lies are off the chart.

ALSO THOUGH I’m kind of pissed that the party platforms didn’t come out until super recently, after people already started voting at Advance Polls. I think those platforms should be up before people vote.

I’m also aware a lot is at stake for me this election, considering the rise of fascism.

The advance polls had a two hour long wait to vote. Which is long BUT ALSO kind of amazing because it means people both know who they are voting for AND some who might not otherwise vote are coming out. So I hope we make a good choice.

I didn’t get super involved in campaigning this election because I was undecided for a long time. I was going to vote Liberal and changed my mind. But it was a lot of waffling back and forth. I just wish Carney had been more upfront about supporting trans rights, and Palestine. Like those were TWO big issues I was concerned about and I know the NDP candidate was more aligned with me on those two issues. I know the risk of voting against the Liberals because of Palestine could cause the same thing here as in the States when people didn’t vote for Harris. But if it was more of a close race between Conservatives and Liberals in this riding I would have voted Liberal. Ahh ha ha someone is gonna get mad at me for not voting Liberal though. I know the assignment I just am making a decision based on my immediate riding.

I’m doing well otherwise. The marks for my class went in last week and so I am not a prof anymore. I’m just a regular dude. I am still taking guitar lessons, so I guess I am just a student right now.

I have decided to take lessons next year too. I’m advancing really well and progressing and I know my main issue has been not getting enough practice in. But the last guitar lesson I had he said I was doing some things that separate the pros from the average guitarist, which was cool to hear. My guitar teacher trained at Berklee so he knows a lot of stuff! It’s really nice. My last class he showed me how to make my strumming quieter or louder by how hard I hold the pick. I’m finally at a place where I know enough to ask the right questions about how to improve. I need to improve my tempo, I honestly need to be using the metronome more. I am hoping this summer I can be as creative as I want and practice my guitar a lot and write a lot. I know admin stuff always happens. But also this longterm project is ending in May so THAT will be off of my plate.

Today I finished writing a smutty/critical theory article. I’m not sure who its fans will be. But I hope it finds its audience. I think it’s a pretty sexy article, it’s filled with gay trans sex, and “straight” romantic longing, with a ton of queer lovers and potential lovers of various genders. It’s probably the most bisexual writing I’ve done ha ha. I mean except for my diary which is very bi. I feel like an old man using bisexual when probably pansexual is more related to what my sexuality is. I like a broad spectrum of genders. From super femme women all the way to big burly bearded bears. And various genders in between and beyond that.

I am also nearly done my grant! I just need one email back confirming participation and then I can submit it. The budget got updated, and I have to redo the letters of confirmation and make them into one big PDF and then check a box agreeing with something and hit submit. And then my grant is IN and I don’t have to think about it until October when results come out. So I am happy about that.

My travel grant got moved to results pending. So hopefully I find out soon. I’ve found out about travel grants generally while I am on the trip I need them to pay for, and it’s not always good news! So yeah we’ll see how that goes.

Tomorrow I get on a plane to Amsterdam! SO SOON! I get on a train on Tuesday in Amsterdam to Osnabrück. And then I get to my hotel and just crash and sleep in! Except I think there’s breakfast in the morning. And German hotels usually do a decent breakfast. All the meats!