I’ve been doing work stuff every day recently. It’s nice I guess, I like working. I like thinking about things. I have to plan my next shoot, so I am starting to break down my script and start thinking about shot lists and storyboards and stuff. Looking for locations and getting a casting call ready. Looking for three crew members. And trying to do it all within my budget. I think it might work out, I’m the producer/writer/director/star of this short so it’s a lot of different types of work. I will probably be the editor too, but who knows, I can apply separately for post production funds. It’s more of a narrative drama than my other stuff. And it’s depressing I’m sorry it doesn’t have a happy ending. A very bummer film.

But it’s about something I’ve been meaning to make a film about for a while.

I’ve got lots of ideas for things these days which is always encouraging for a creative person. I feel like I need to be healthier so I can live long enough to make my art that I want to make. I remember my Grandparents kind of had different health crises later in life that made them super strict on diet and exercise and they did make it to their 90’s. So I guess I am getting that kind of wake up call although much more mildly. I know this smoking weed is not great, edibles are ok but my lungs need something better.

I just ate some shrooms so I have to write this before they kick in.

I really have no earth shattering info for you today. My moustache hairs are still there, I guess at some point I will have to trim them. My sideburns and cheeks are still really blonde hairs. It’s coming. I feel like a chia pet being so concerned about what’s growing or not growing on me. My transition continues. I checked in with the surgeon’s office about where I am in the queue for a consult. I’m in the window of them calling, anytime between now and August or so. And then I don’t know how long I will have to wait before I get surgery.

Cis people are so weird about trans surgeries, especially bottom surgery. I guess I’m coming at this from someone who has a shitload of tattoos and had all kinds of piercings including some on my genitals. I was reading all those alternative webpages in the early 00’s about body modification and I sort of have this sense that people can do whatever they want with their bodies even if someone else thinks it’s a bad idea. Want to file all your teeth into points? Why not? Want to tattoo lizard skin on your body? Sure! Want to get horns implanted? Cool? Want to have genitals that make you happier? Even Elon tried to get a penis implant (supposedly, this is not verified). So really it’s none of anyone else’s business what someone does with their own body.

So I want my dick to stick out more and have balls, it’s really not a big deal to anyone except for me and I shouldn’t have to pass a bunch of tests and assessments to be allowed to get bottom surgery. NEVERTHELESS I did do all the assessments and talked to all the people and etc etc. I got approved by the government. So now it’s just waiting. But also I’m not as prepared this time around as I was for top surgery, I don’t have someone coming to stay with me. I might see if a friend can. Or look on Grindr ha ha jk no never. But I did kind of have help during top surgery and I could do one of those scheduler things again. It’s just so depressing trying to schedule care and not having enough people sign up. I wish I was just a rich dude and could pay someone to come carry my groceries, trash, laundry, and walk my dogs. I don’t know, I am much more comfortable paying for things than asking for free help. PLUS so many friends live in the West End and I am on the way to the East so people get nervous. At least I’m not on the wrong side of the Don River Valley that freaks out so many Torontonians ha ha.

Anyway maybe I can apply what I learned from my top surgery to my bottom surgery. For one thing if I fundraise I will ask for more money than top surgery because it cost a lot more than I expected to take time out of work. BUT ALSO this might be a multiple steps surgery, potentially two steps anyway.

What else is going on? It’s fucking hot outside. I was going to go to the gym, but I went to Dollarama and Home Hardware and that was enough. SO HOT. I have air conditioning now and it’s made such a difference. I don’t know how I didn’t die in this heat before honestly. I wish I could go get ice cream but I don’t want to go out. Ughhh heat sucks. Toronto gets so hot in the summer too, it’s brutal.

I repotted my Dragon Tree. I practiced my guitar. I am starting to get better at Come As You Are but going from G to A to C to A to C just messes me up. My pinky does not want to be involved but it has a job to do! It’s the weakest and laziest of my fingers. Just comes along for the ride most of the time. Anyway, learning guitar means I have to practice fingers independently moving and having more strength, so it will come it’s just taking a while.

The dogs are bored but having their doggy naps, so that’s nice. And there’s leftover taco meat so I think I will have that for dinner. I got a new cheese grater because mine went missing.

Sorry this is such an anti-climactic post. There’s really nothing to follow up from the last post, it’s out there and I’m just getting on with life.

I made a new video about a terrible years long experience of lateral violence. It’s pretty intense, about 20 min. I’m not submitting it for festivals so I’m making it available today online. Here it is:

I’m hoping we can start talking about lateral violence in our communities because this type of behaviour is not acceptable and not appropriate, especially not in a work environment and especially not from an employer. Being harassed and having people try to destroy my career over a book project that didn’t end in a good way, and then them taking that hate out into the community to gather a group of people to agree with destroying me is sick. I did not deserve it. It was WORSE than what the public saw. And I’m not going to hide it anymore.

These were real emails I received from someone whose name is redacted. The co-writer/co-director of [Production] saw these emails and still supported [Redacted]’s defamatory posts about me. I did get a lot of support from the community, but I also know a lot of people joined in. I did try to put in all the emails but something makes me think I may have missed one from [Redacted]. In the interest of fairness and understanding, I included the email I sent initially which snowballed into all of this.

Anyway, this video helped me process the whole thing. Reading those messages over and over while editing them into a video sort of helped me see it as a dark comedy (especially the line about “kinship”), although living it was horrific. I intend it as a living video document, in case further harassing emails come my way.

At the worst part of this experience my blood literally changed. I was in fight or flight mode and my blood thickened because my body was convinced I was going to be stabbed or shot to death. I was not, obviously. And my blood is back to normal. But this shit is serious, and I know I am not the only person with a folder of emails from this particular person.

This happens all over the Indigenous community. Intergenerational trauma from residential school has left some marks on people, and where they take that can be detrimental to the community. I’m not sure what happened in [Redacted]’s life to make them so vindictive. It’s unfortunate that there are multiple [Redacted]s in our communities and that many stories are being held close to the chest by people terrified by people who have influence/money/status. This isn’t right. I hope more people can stand up. Bullying involves the entire community, and stopping it involves the entire community too.

I’m grateful for Indigenous arts community members who listened to me, sent me info to protect myself, gave me money for legal fees, and generally stood by me. There are good people in our community who see this happening and don’t know how to stop it. If I had to give advice for someone seeing their friend(s) going through this, I would encourage you to reach out to them, which a lot of people did for me. It feels very isolating and scary to go through this, especially when so many people are afraid of the person and won’t speak up. And if this is happening to you, make sure you document as much as you can and have close people who know what is happening, before it bursts in a public situation with a particular narrative. Also, blocking can save your life. I blocked [Redacted] the first day this started, and many more people after, and I really don’t regret limiting access to me for my own safety. I know anyone can read this blog. But my personal selfies and dinner photos are not for laterally violent randos.

Anyway, side note is the guitar practice video was mostly just so there was something to see and hear. The story is in the words. But sometimes when I’m telling the dogs to knock it off it seems to fit. I’m not a great guitar player yet, but I wanted to show the imperfections in learning creative work, and the length of time it takes to start developing a skillset.

Criticism is not an attack. As people working in creative fields, we need to be able to negotiate and communicate difficult things during projects with people. It’s a desire to better the work, not to tell someone they are a shitty person. I’m much more cautious about who I work with now which is probably the best take away from this. The film and art world are workplaces too, and workplace bullying is unacceptable.

Ha ha jeez I probably used that title four times before or something. I apologize for repeat titles! I’ve written this blog since 2004 and there’s some repetition.

I was looking at myself in the mirror this morning and wanted to see what my facial hair was doing. I have a considerable amount of peach fuzz along my jawline, but it’s still all blonde and fine. It is longer than vellus hair on other parts of my body. So that’s something I guess. BUT!!! It was very exciting today because I saw some little brown fine hairs under my nose, and along the corners of my mouth. And more than 4! Probably around 20 or more altogether. I’ve never seen those hairs go brown before so it is encouraging. Also I noticed the spots with longer and more noticeable hair is all along the beard and moustache area. My chin seems to be getting that little clump of hair under the bottom lip, with some bare spots around it and then some hair where the chin strap area is closer to my neck.

I’ve been watching the hair along my jawline for a while, but it wasn’t turning colour, just being super long blonde peach fuzz.

July 25 this year will be three years on testosterone.

I was giving up on getting facial hair. Although earlier this spring I did notice a few terminal hairs along my neck and jaw. But they were rare. But these little brown guys are like, more than that. I guess we’ll see what happens. I didn’t think the testosterone gods were smiling on me ha ha, because I’m Indigenous and we don’t usually have a lot of facial hair. BUT I have Grandma’s Scots genes and my Dad’s Métis genes. So I’m not totally out of possibility of getting decent facial hair. Dad has a lot of facial hair but he shaves often.

I heard it usually starts in the moustache area first and at the corners of the mouth. So it is in the right spot. It opens up a whole new world of facial hair maintenance. They are so thin and sparse that I think I can keep using my regular facial cleanser. But at some point I might have to think about other beard specific products. Unless it just stays very limited.

My friend JC brought me some Uranium glass he got for me at a flea market, so today I finally made a uranium glass shelf. It’s got my virgin mary and my Indian head toothpick holder, but also a salt and pepper shaker set and a syrup pitcher. So it’s really cool. I bought the UV light for it a while back, so I put it up too and the whole thing looks AMAZING! So magical ha ha. I think I might get a candy dish and an ashtray next. I have only so much height in this shelf.

I want to do a deep reorganizing of my home this summer. I think there’s stuff I could get rid of. And I want more space for my collections of things. I also think it might be time to toss most of the stuff in my filing cabinets. I don’t need it, I never go looking for things in there. All my stuff is mainly online and except for keeping some reviews, I don’t need most of that stuff. Plus I need to get a new bedside table instead of the filing cabinet. I just don’t need that cabinet ha ha. It’s ugly besides, and I have had it since I lived in Vancouver.

I’m taking kind of a break from hookups, but probably not for long. I just was so busy. And I am going away this week, I’m doing a performance in Regina. About conflict! I’ve been editing the video for it and it’s interesting. I did process through a lot of things by making the video. Like, sucking out the poison ha ha. I feel less freaked out by what happened. It’s interesting when things are placed into context.

Anyway, life goes on I guess. My life has grown to being this thing I am generally happy with. I get to make art and get paid for it. It’s always a hustle getting grants. But that was always true. I’m my own expert on my own things though and I have finally amassed a skill set at 47 that a lot of people wish they had. So I’m happy about that really. And I have so many creative ideas! Like, they just keep coming. It’s kind of crazy. When I finish this video tomorrow that will be four projects in the last month that have been finished. I’m not sure what is going on astrologically, maybe things are wrapping up in the sky for some aspect or something. It’s feeling really good though. I keep making work! No one can stop me, they can try. But I make shit anyway, regardless if there’s a grant or not. Grants are nice though.

Hey everyone! I am bad at doing promo here. But I am showing “Carmilla the Lonely” at ImagineNATIVE this year in the INdigital Space and also online!

INdigital Arcade at ImagineNATIVE

ALSO my video about my transition, “Dreams of Sunlight Through Trees” shows this Saturday June 7 at 5:30pm at ImagineNATIVE (TIFF Lightbox)

Rainbow Shorts program at ImagineNATIVE

Hope you can go see them! The arcade is open during the festival and also online. The film shows both in person and online, so if you are wanting to see it but aren’t in Toronto, please do check it out. I think the online part of the festival is next week?

Thanks to ImagineNATIVE for supporting my work all these years!

I’m trying to remember where I met jes sachse. I’m honestly not sure, our friend Elwood spent time with both of us. One time jes and I had some kind of fancy drinks and food in some hipster type place. They were always really friendly with me. We were fb friends for a long time, I don’t remember when that started either. I’ve been in Toronto for 11 years this summer and it just feels like jes was always around.

We were getting closer more recently because they were looking after my dogs. So we texted a lot and they were very sociable. I remember their text used their email address (I’m not sure how it works) and they could only text when they had wifi. They called Todd “horny Todd” which is true because he is constantly trying to hump Posey and apparently also jes (he never humps me, only strangers I guess). They were just starting to see Posey warm up to them, which I was happy about because she needs more friends.

Elwood had us over for Christmas snacks one day and jes brought us these gourmet doughnuts. Mine was red velvet. Another time we went for I think maybe thanksgiving dinner together at the Blake House. It was so nice hanging out with both of them.

jes was really amazing in a very not quiet way. They had a lot of respect from people I knew anyway. They made sure people respected disabled artists and brought attention to the way we often end up living in poverty. They gave a lot to our community.

I still don’t know how to encapsulate my relationship with jes except we were friends and they were a great conversationalist about crushes and love and sex and life. They were really funny and respectful, which is a great combo. I found something today that made me think about them more. It’s still hard to believe they are gone. The week it happened I was trying to get in touch with them and then found out from Elwood what had occurred. It’s so strange to lose someone suddenly like that, no warning at all.

I think about all kinds of conversations we can’t have anymore.

I hope more people hear about them in the years to come. They made a difference in this world.

Last night was the Decolonized Beatz event for the students showing their videos. It went well, great videos, the students had some good things to say. A few tech issues but overall I’m happy the event managed to occur.

Last week I did the Trans Piss Project FINALLY after talking/thinking about it for a year. So that was one project I was working on for a while and just had to wait for the 3D prints/jar/urine/camera/foamcore all to align. And it finally did and now it’s out there.

The third thing was the first thing I finished last week, the current draft of my script for macîskotêw (Evil Fire). It’s taken some twists and turns. I think the consultations with family members of MMIP and the former police officer were the most helpful for pushing it to a better place. I think we’re trying for production funds next year, so we’ll see how it goes. It’s been worked on on and off for ten years which is a long time. But also it’s a super ambitious project for a first feature so I guess I can see why it’s taken so long to get here. I also did learn a lot about myself as a scriptwriter this past decade.

So that’s three major projects wrapped up (for now, in the case of the script, which obviously has further places to go before it’s a film).

I am still working on:

1 script
1 webseries
2 short films
1 video game
1 documentary trilogy
1 podcast

So those are all in the queue. I really just work on things as soon as I get a breakthrough on them which sort of fuels finishing it. But sometimes I have to force a breakthrough which can be awkward. I find going for walks helps me think. A lot of my projects can be finished with my own gear, which is good. Some has funding attached which is helpful, including my short film POOR I want to make this summer/fall. Some of them are partially done and just need the last push. But the script and the short films are probably higher priority this summer so I can get final reports in.

I am doing well on guitar practice! Having the telecaster has sort of reinvigorated my desire to practice. I was working on Come As You Are by Nirvana and I’m doing pretty good on most parts except for the solo nearer to the end. I am learning to go from A chord to C chord. I got the riff down pretty good and in two places on my guitar. I also take out the acoustic still and play it too. I’m enjoying playing with both of them.

I’m still not performing in front of anyone except for my teacher and my therapist (and my friend Riki saw me practice). I know I have to perform in front of people but I’m nervous. Which doesn’t make sense, I’ve literally been naked in front of audiences while doing performance art. But music is a different kind of naked!

But also getting over this barrier was one of the reason I decided to start playing guitar. So logically I should perform in front of people.

But also! I feel I’m not ready yet because I don’t know how to sing and play at the same time yet. I just switch to going down up down up when the strumming patterns are different. It’s just something I have to work at. I could play without singing but ehhh that’s not totally what I want to do.

I feel really constrained when it comes to singing. I had a friend named Carla-Marie Powers who was a singer and she said anyone could learn to sing. Which was nice to hear but I still felt ashamed of singing because of how I was raised. So I never really practiced. I sing songs to the dogs all the time, but dog songs are different. Maybe I need to sing some Nirvana to the dogs. Or Four Non Blondes. Or the Cranberries, although I have to admit the BPM on Zombie is still too fast for me.

BUT ALSO my voice has changed on testosterone and I’ve never really explored it in singing. It’s measuring at a baritone.

But also, I think it’s fine if it takes me a while to prepare before I decide to perform in front of people.

Anyway I’m really happy that three projects have wrapped up. It’s been a lot of work, and now there’s space in the immediate future to work on other things.

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Here’s a clip of me playing and talking about my new name for my guitar! I don’t like the way the backend looks of this embed code ha ha geez.

I was pissed off, or probably I still am, and last year I started dreaming up this project of playing off the Piss Christ photo with three transphobic billionaires submerged in a jar of 100% trans piss. I got the 3D print instructions last year and then it just kind of sat around in my computer. And then this year things just got worse and worse and I got fed up and a friend printed them for me. So this morning I finally did the Trans Piss Project. It was messy. I had really pale piss yesterday when I started collecting, but this morning I got the first pee of the day so it’s darker. Collecting pee is ridiculous, but I’m glad I can dump it in the toilet now.

So I am hoping someone will actually want to show the series, like in a gallery. I need to get professional prints done though. It’s not iPhone photos, I used a macro lens and a DSLR and everything! Right now it’s just named the Trans Piss Project, I’m not anticipating adding more billionaires although considering Zuckerberg decided to stop protecting trans people on Meta, he’s a legit potential for the pee jar.

It’s juvenile I’m sure, but so is telling someone they can’t use the bathroom because you don’t like their body.

I’m doing laundry, I’ve had a good week. I did all the things I wanted to be doing this summer, so hopefully that continues. I had some sexy times. I played guitar a lot. I got a new amp for my telecaster so that I can learn more about playing it. I did a lot of work too. I’ve been emailing and doing video stuff and working on a rewrite of my script. I watched a zoom meeting I had with a consultant and it helped kickstart how I can do this ending differently but the same kind of. Like, there are major plot points changing. But ultimately it’s similar in tone.

Also did work on my unfunded book, but not as much as I hoped. I just really find when I focus on one creative thing, it’s difficult to switch to another quickly and then go back. Like I do like to hyper focus on projects when I’m doing them. But also there’s lots of other work to be doing. Anyway, I can kind of multitask, but when I’m thinking through something creatively I like to give it my full attention for those few hours of the day. But also I have a lot of projects on the go.

I also have to write ANOTHER script, and then I have to do a short film this summer. Which is going to be hard because everyone shoots in the summer. I could move it to the fall I guess, I need to put up a casting call anyway.

I’m wrapping up a longer project soon which is nice, I like how the work turned out. It’s my student’s work, so I’m really happy with what they’ve created and I hope they have an amazing screening. It’s in Washington DC though so I cannot go because of policies around trans people’s identification at the border. And I don’t want to be a trans man in some foreign prison. That sounds like the worst. And even if they just sent me straight back, they could still ban me from the United States forever. So just waiting and seeing how this all shifts and settles in the next 4-10 years or so. I mean who knows, maybe it will still be a bad idea to go in 2035.

I am kind of jealous when I see cis people cross the border so easily and not be worried. I mean maybe they are worried, but just the fact that they feel they even can cross the border is depressing for me who knows I can’t. I do like stuff in the United States, not enough to live there, but like I do have friends down there and stuff. It’s hard to accept sometimes that there are countries I can’t go to ever because of my gender and sexuality. I kind of just thought oh well. But now one is the downstairs neighbour. So that sucks.

Sorry, neighbor.

Ha ha.

I did have a good week though! I was very busy with work stuff and sexy stuff and guitar stuff. And I got to play with my acoustic guitar in therapy which was super fun. I wasn’t playing my therapist full songs, just little bits here and there. What I found really interesting was that sometimes while talking to her with my guitar I felt protected, and other times I felt vulnerable. And I was able to make more sustained eye contact I think. Which was cool and makes me wonder what kind of performer I would be in front of people.

People are always asking me how I can make such vulnerable work and it’s like I don’t know it just happens, do you know how to stop it? Ha ha ha.

Anyway the dog was being cute and I was talking to him and told him he was a good girl, because I was petting Posey just before. And then I was like oh Todd! I misgendered you! They are both the same shape of dog, sometimes I get confused in the dark. Although Posey has more coarse fur and he still has baby soft fur.

I went back to the gym today too! I started out light. It’s been ok! I just really liked getting a muscley body last year and while I was a professor/artist in residence at Western and traveling two days out of the week I didn’t have time or energy to work out. But now I do have energy for it!

Also I am a Queer/Trans artist in residence at the Mark S. Bonham Centre for Sexual Diversity Studies at U of T 2025-2026. Which will be exciting! I am working on the trans climate migrant doc while I am there, so hopefully it’s a really good experience. I will have an office. And I can actually just get there on the ttc, not ttc/uber/via rail/uber to get there. I will have so much more time when the commute is gone. So I’m hoping to get ahead on a few things. I’m still working on multiple projects ha ha I don’t know how I got here, but I can see some stuff wrapping up.

I’m back in Toronto! And I got a new guitar! It’s a Fender player II HH Telecaster. It’s SO NICE! It does have a buzz on the low E string which I have to figure out. I think it needs a set up. I didn’t get a gig bag for it, so I ordered one. I ordered a case too, but that’s more for planes. Have no idea if I will keep it though, I could do better with just the gig bag. I could lend the case to people who need to travel I guess, but usually people have their own stuff.

I had a cord and an amp anyway from my traveller guitar. But I should probably get a better amp at some point.

At the same time, when I finally got my acoustic out that I had left here while I was in Saskatoon it was SO NICE to play. I feel like I am developing an emotional connection with my guitar which is really interesting. I love him! Or her! Or it! I don’t know what gender it has ha ha maybe none. It’s genderless. I look pretty sexy with the Fender too.

Here I am with my new guitar! I haven’t recorded myself playing it yet. I don’t know much about electric guitars, I do know how to play some stuff that I learned on my acoustic. I need to learn how to get the tones right. I don’t know the settings very well. While I was googling guitar lessons online I found a course on guitar for beginners through Coursera. So I started the first module, it was pretty extensive but also mostly things I already knew from my lessons on acoustic. I’m excited to see where it goes though because I’m hoping I can deepen my understanding of it.

I’m still taking lessons from my guy in town. I missed I think two lessons while I was in Europe. But I did the Saskatoon lesson because I could borrow my friends acoustic for it. And I have my travel guitar. He showed me how to do the rhythm guitar for Dreams by Fleetwood Mac, and a lick from it, but sort of adapted because they used a lot of effects in their version. It is fairly simple. I was practicing that and Zombie and What’s Up and I got it going pretty good. I think I might start trying to sing, but that makes me so nervous but also I need to get over my fear of it.

I’m feeling pretty happy about my life right now. It’s sort of a pleasurable life. Yesterday I had sex with an ongoing hookup and it was super fun, and today is a different guy. And I play my guitar and smoke weed and make art and read things and listen to music. I have to start recording my practices so that I can make a video out of it. It’s like, a background video for a performance I’m doing in Regina. I was anticipating that I would play really badly, but today when I was practicing I was noticing I’m getting really good at it. I do need to use a metronome though. I need to get the tempo right and I need to sing while I play. But yeah, and traveling was super nice in a pleasurable way even though I’m really happy to be home with the dogs now.

I’m also having a really good time with my writing right now. I’m working on a few things including this unfunded book. The book is coming along. I’ve got 24 pages written now. But things happen very quickly in it and I know it’s more of a prose-y outline than the book as I envision it in the future. But I’m hoping to get 100 pages down with the entire story and then go back over it and rewrite things and expand them. I also think when it’s all down I can go back in and change some things around. Like, a lot of the story is given away already, but I think I’m going to try and save some stuff for later on when I rewrite it. Because it’s better to keep some secrets along the way and let the reader discover it.

I’ve also been doing a lot of edibles these days and it’s kind of ridiculous so I’m going to cut back. It was fine on vacation though. And I did shrooms with my friend and had a pleasant time. But the combo of Mind Altering Substances and Writing a Novel is triggering all my anxieties about going through a psychotic break. I’m fine. I did my checklist. My sleep is amazing! Never better, and when I’m having mental episodes my sleep sucks ass. So I know that’s fine. I’m able to make decisions about my life, so that’s fine. I am having more sex but that’s not really a new thing. But mostly what’s making me anxious is that whenever I had a psychotic break it would be like being stuck in a story with no end. Like I knew some of my delusions were a story I was making up but I was also living in it and stuck in it. While when I’m not on as many edibles, I can see how this story I’m living with is just me being creative. The other day I went to see Sinners (such a good film!) and in the beginning with the horror trailers before the movie I was like “OH NO I’m not at the right film for these edibles!” But I was fine. BUT yeah I seem to be good at reminding myself I’m on drugs when I’m on drugs.

I also have to get into my scriptwriting. I think I am untangling what this next draft will look like, but it’s different. Like the end setting is different. But similar.

Yeah so this summer I just want to play guitar, go to the gym, write, make art, have sex, read, watch films, and listen to music. And Cows and Plows is supposed to be coming soon, so I should be able to get by. ALSO I have funds to make a short film! So I will also be doing that, which also involves me acting on screen for the entire film. I was going to have to cry at the end, but now I’m thinking maybe that’s not as realistic. Especially for a trans man, I mean it’s just hard for us to cry. Not everyone but it’s common to have difficulty crying on testosterone. I CAN cry but it’s rare, especially compared to before when I cried every day on estrogen.

Anyway lots of work to do but also I find myself doing things that I am enjoying, which is a great place to be in at the age of 47!

I’m in Saskatoon at my friend Riki’s place. The day I left Toronto I found out Jes Sachse died, which was so sudden and unexpected. We were becoming better friends recently and texting off and on and they were supposed to look after my dogs before this happened. They got along great with the dogs, which is good because they are fussy beasts. I’m not really going to make a big long post about them here except they were super important to me and the communities they belonged to, and a lot of us are going to miss them, and that it’s hard to do justice to the person they were in text. So I am thinking about them a lot right now.

Saskatoon itself has been ok so far. I saw my Mom when I arrived and yesterday for Mother’s Day and today for lunch. And I saw two cousins for different lunch/brunches, and two uncles and two aunties. So that was nice. I’m trying to be patient with misgendering but people still slip up. Mostly I just hope they correct themselves but sometimes they just keep talking so I don’t say something. Anyway, it is what it is. I think it looks a bit ridiculous to be called she or my old name when I’m bald and have no tits and have wide shoulders. Strangers never misgender me, which is nice and I think probably makes up for it.

I really didn’t want to be here super long. I can’t do two weeks here anymore. I’m supposed to come to Regina for a performance, but I’m only staying two nights. I have a lot of stuff I need to be doing back home. And home isn’t Saskatchewan anymore. And I need to work from home and be with my dogs and that kind of thing. And the dogs have been SO PATIENT with me going away two days of the week, but that’s over and I want to be home with them now.

Plus I want to keep practicing my guitars and start back at the gym. I can tell my muscles just need to get pumped again. I did some workouts in Germany at the hotel gym, and it was REALLY good for me and I could see my muscles starting to remember they exist. But yeah, I didn’t really go to the gym at all while I was working in London. I had no time or energy, it was hard. And now I want to do two or three times a week again. It would be so nice! Plus I can show off at the beach. Maybe with my guitar but probably not, I have strong feelings about taking up auditory space at the fucking beach where people don’t want to hear it ha ha. Like that damn gay speaker guy who plays EDM on a massive speaker at Hanlan’s. NO ONE LIKES IT! It’s annoying! Use headphones! This isn’t the fucking club ha ha. Crank.

But yeah, I am starting a new gig in September which will be announced later this month. So some stuff is happening for me in the future, and it will pay my rent and bills which leaves me with needing to get extra money for groceries/gym/entertainment etc. Not a bad baseline of money though and other stuff is often coming in.

I was practicing guitar in Riki’s living room and Riki was doing something else, but it made me a bit less self conscious about playing music in front of someone. I was also so out of practice and also using the traveler guitar which I am not used to. It’s a tiny bit smaller so I am having to adjust. I discovered this too in Amsterdam with the rental guitar, if it’s not the same size as my Martin, I get all clumsy and awkward and annoyed. I get annoyed by other guitars so much when I start playing them ha ha it’s prob not fair. It’s only that my fingers need to get to know where the strings are. But I’m so disappointed right away like “Ugh I HATE this guitar!” It’s usually a perfectly fine guitar.

I know I have to bite the bullet and perform in front of people at some time though. My teacher was telling me to do something at the recital at the end of spring term, but I might wait until December’s recital. I just don’t feel there yet. I think I’m also just nervous. I was thinking of bringing my guitar to play at my therapist’s office again because it was fun when we did that. And it got me out of some of my shyness about performing. One time my therapist said she didn’t even know I was shy because I came in and started talking really openly right away. Funny! I’m not always shy though so much as people don’t give me room to speak so I won’t speak. Which is their own damn fault so I guess it’s no loss and they can read this blog later and see what I thought of something I suppose. Cree people like to think before we speak (surprising to others) so there’s usually a pause before we say something, and by then some white person has started talking. Unless it’s just Crees I guess. Maybe I need to hang out with more Indigenous people though because I don’t have this problem there as much.

Anyway omg I got a ribbon shirt today! My first ribbon shirt! It’s so gorgeous, it’s a black shirt with white polka dots and purple ribbons. It’s SO NICE. I made sure to try it on and it fits so I’m happy about that because I’ve been bad about getting things that don’t fit. I am learning! I also bought some new runners, because this ridiculous thing happened that turned my old ones toxic.

So I was at this sexy night party thing and I was in the women’s room (it kind of was gender neutral) and anyway this florescent light fell and smashed all around my feet. And I just stood there terrified and these women were like “OMG are you ok?” and I was like I think so? And then finally left. And then I felt like there was glass on me, so I left and took an uber home. And then I took off my jeans, socks, and shoes in the stairwell. And I think I am going to throw them away when I get home, they gotta go. I read about how toxic those bulbs are and it’s like yeah that’s bad! My poor polluted body!

They were good runners tho, but also my toenail was cutting into the toe, so they had holes in them.

Ahh this isn’t a very illuminating post ha ha. I have no wisdoms to impart today. I did some work today too, had a meeting and also exported a video for a Q&A thing later this month that needs translating. I have to come up with some questions still. I also need to practice guitar and get some pages in for my novel. I’m at 14 pages now which is decent I think. I don’t think the formatting is totally correct though so I need to see how dialogue is usually formatted in novels. I’m used to script formatting but that’s different. I will probably need an editor at some point but I am SO cautious of who finds out this story because it’s extremely valuable IP that I could see people stealing. Even my therapist said not to tell anyone the story until I publish. I’m not getting fucked over! Plus I feel like I was given this story so I’m responsible for it, and someone else might do it dirty.

I wish we didn’t have to worry about the theft of ideas. But AI and those tech bros have made it so acceptable to plagiarize. Like, it’s ridiculous, people think this grey goo chat gpt shit is a great idea, to not have an idea, but get commended for having the wisdom to type a prompt. That’s so lazy, so much of humanity is becoming so lazy and uninformed because of AI. It’s the worst. And the sad thing is works of genius getting called AI because no one could draw that good etc. Like maybe YOU can’t draw that good because you get your computer to draw something for you. Arg.

I’m sure AI has been chewing up this blog. My nightmare is that after my death someone will make an AI of me. Please know I do not condone this and never want to be represented by predictive writing software.