Lol just deleted a post that I abandoned and which is now totally out of date. So here I am writing again!

I had my revision! I was concerned mostly about some side boob on the left side, but also asked about two points near the centre of my chest. She said my scars looked really good and she didn’t want to touch that part again because she wasn’t sure it would look as good after as it looks now. But she did do the revision on the side part of my chest that was a little extra tissue. So that was good, I was so nervous because she did it under local so I was fully awake while she worked. It didn’t hurt at all though. But I could feel like, the sensation of pulling and cutting, but not painful. But like, the pressure of it and the pulling. It was bizarre! It was like being in my body but not being in my body. A very unusual feeling. I didn’t watch it though, I am sure I would have fainted if I saw what she was doing. I just stared at the ceiling and bantered with them ha ha. But they were great, and then I took an Uber home, and now I’m with the dogs. I have to go get them some food tomorrow, but only under 20lbs of food. Because I can’t lift more than that.

I got my marks in yesterday because I didn’t want today’s procedure to interrupt my marks being submitted. So that’s good. I taught my first class! I need a participation trophy ha ha. I have the break to get my next class ready, but I already made the shell of the course in Brightspace, it’s just not visible to students yet. I need to populate it with a few more things first. And I haven’t finished my rubrics.

I’m taking a break from my video game over the break, but I am working on some scriptwriting.

I have a weird assortment of feature projects right now because one is like, so close to getting production ready and is basically in the ugly fledgling phase right now where it needs some MORE care so it can grow up. And then I have this other one that is literally just an egg still and needs to crack into a full on first draft instead of a collection of notes and outlines. It’s a weird situation and I entirely blame it on my piss poor writing habit this past while. I do write every day almost. But scriptwriting does not happen as frequently as it should. I write in my diary and my blog constantly. But scriptwriting just happens for deadlines, instead of being a regular part of my life. So I gotta work on that, I think it’s going to be my only resolution for next year.

I saw on the news there was an attack in a German Christmas Market today. That’s so fucked up. I went to so many of those markets when I was in Vienna and Berlin and Prague in 2022. They’re so fun. I remember the market in Berlin had big barriers up where the roads were because they had an attack in a Christmas Market a few years before. So senseless. It seems sometimes that there’s not really any way to be prepared for all the ways violence can happen to the public. Like we had a van attack here a while back, not to a market but using a van as a weapon. You can’t just outlaw vans, like you could with guns. And even though Canada is not supposed to be a gun culture, there are totally shootings in my neighbourhood. Because they come up from the States.

I was having this discussion in my head the other day about risk and what is acceptable risk. A long time ago I decided I wouldn’t curtail my activities because of a fear of terrorism, because I figured that there wasn’t a lot I could do to avoid it, it’s so random. And you can’t just not live your life, being inside forever is fun for 24 hours and then it’s a nightmare. I need to be out, even if it’s just to walk the dogs or pick up my antipsychotics from the pharmacy. I am a simple man ha ha.

BUT also there’s a risk in doing hookups, and I’ve been doing those for a while, and I was wondering what the acceptable risk is of doing hookups? They are sketchy. I’m trying to stick mostly with guys I’ve already played with. But also I’m in the market for a serious partner, and I haven’t met that person yet, which means I need to keep meeting people. And some of them might be sketchy. And I do talk to people long enough to feel them out but you never know. Bruce McArthur had a folder of his victims photos from dates he went on with them. Like he was getting to know these guys. Which is almost more terrifying, you could have your guard down and then it turns bad. People are so fucking unpredictable.

Matteo Lane has a joke about how all the things women are told not to do in order to stay safe are things queer men do to meet each other. And it’s true! I’ve had to unlearn a lot about navigating the world as a “woman” in order to meet men for sexy times. And is it safe? I don’t think so. But is it fun? I mean most of the time or I wouldn’t keep doing it.

BUT Anyway, I am not meeting anyone for a while because I had my revision and just want to heal. And if I had sex maybe I would sweat my bandage off and that would be embarrassing. And I can’t have a shower for two days either. Stink boy. But it’s not a super long healing time. BUT ALSO I don’t mind taking a break while the holidays happen. I’m not doing anything with my family but we might zoom a few times. I was mostly going to eat things ha ha. Just eat nice things and heal.

I’ve been seeing a lot of news about these drones in New Jersey, and New York, and they’ve been seen in Toronto and Hamilton. And California and a lot of places. I honestly did wonder if it was aliens. I couldn’t help it, that kind of makes sense. But looking at more videos of them, I think most of them are definitely human made. And honestly, even though I do believe in aliens, I think the rest of them are secret military aircraft being publicly demonstrated to cause a reaction.

And the reason is way back in this blog. On October 22, 2006, my friend and I were driving south from Saskatoon at maybe ten at night towards Cranberry Flats. BUT if you keep going in that direction, you reach CFD Dundurn, the military base. So anyway we are driving this direction and I start noticing these rainbow coloured stripes going back and forth in front of us, like two of them. And they slowly became slightly transparent white ovals, like spotlights on clouds, but there was no beam going back to the earth where there should be. And then over the course of a few hours they turned into green plasma fireballs, kind of jumping up and down in the sky.

BUT the other part of this story is that before these lights appeared, before the rainbowy streaks in the sky, I saw two dark triangular objects go overhead. And I assumed they were birds. BUT now I am thinking they were military aircraft from CFD Dundurn, secret military aircraft. Even Wikipedia says green fireballs might be secret military aircraft. And Dundurn has an airstrip.

I know that’s not the way they are appearing really in this case. But in some of those cases, it would just be a matter of changing the ship and projecting a hologram of a different colour or shape.

Why New Jersey?

This seems like such an Elon Musk prank honestly. In Orson Welles War of the Worlds radio broadcast, the first place the Martians land is New Jersey. That seems like such a pop culture nod someone that obnoxious wouldn’t be able to avoid sneaking in.

Anyway. I think we’re being conned so that the oligarchs can grasp more power, basically.

Also Palestinians have been saying Israel is using weapons on them that they’ve never seen before. So there’s been some kind of advancement beyond those robot dogs they let us all play with.

And yes I think there are aliens/star people/people might be under the sea and underground. I can’t say yes or no either way though, but theoretically some of it makes sense. But I find it suspicious that this is happening just before a new fascist president comes into power, while a near trillionaire is trying to sooth his bruised ego for making a garbage can for a truck.

I got paid the other day and after paying debts it was gone. Almost. I’m so tired of my money being spent before it’s even here.

The other day I got a suicidal thought, like watching a bird go over head. Just this thought that I wouldn’t be constantly asking people for money and to pay me if I wasn’t here. It’s just not sustainable. Someone the other day told me after a screening that I was so generous, but really the unspoken agreement for engaging with my work is you’re supposed to tip, it’s just most people don’t. I can’t afford to be generous at all, I’m constantly trying to get paid or get funding or whatever.

I’m not sure if I should be doing art anymore, to be frank. The work getting attention now is the stuff I made 20 years ago, which means the stuff I’m making now won’t be relevant to Canadians until 2044. It’s frustrating. I used to do a lot of work in the US, but that’s drying up and also legally I might not even be able to show work in the US soon because I’m trans and it will get automatically categorized as pornography under Project 2025. So that leaves the rest of the world and sometimes Canada when they feel like it.

This one place is supposed to pay me but they refuse to do direct deposit and will only write a cheque and mail it to me, but there’s been a postal strike on for like, QUITE a while, so nothing is coming to me from anyone right now through the mail. It’s really frustrating and I am trying to be patient for the posties but it is interfering with my life. So I’m not sure why a festival can’t direct deposit and is insisting on making my life difficult because ohh we can only write cheques. I know they have options, they just don’t feel like it.

And that’s the problem with a lot of people who owe me money, they just don’t feel like processing payments on time. They need a ton of paperwork, or all kinds of things. And there’s never a rush to pay artists, even if said artist is wondering if it would be easier if they were dead because life just costs too much right now. And Artists have bills too.

Anyway I AM caught up on my bills and my rent is paid and I have groceries. I’m not as fucked as I used to be. But after this residency is done next year I’m going to be back to scrambling for funding and grants and so on. Which is hard. I really just wish I could get grants for costs of living because I know I could make a lot of work with my own resources. But you’re supposed to spend project grants mostly on the project, which doesn’t leave a lot to live on.

My options as I see them for continuing with life is to either become a professor, or go into game development professionally. Which takes me away from filmmaking which is my main love. But I can’t do this anymore, it’s too hard struggling as an artist. My career is turning 30 years old next year and I am thinking I might finish up some projects in the works and then reassess what to do with my life.

Today I did a lot of things. I am currently caught up on marking until the final. So I went to the gym (so fun!) and I went for dinner after by myself (so fun!) and I have been practicing my guitar on and off all week, especially since I didn’t have to go to London yet this week. So a lot of practicing throughout the day, five minutes here, twenty minutes there. I am starting to change chords easier. I know we are still not on the super DIFFICULT guitar solo in this song. So we are working up to it. But I’m feeling like maybe just one more week and I will be able to play the song through to what I know. I’m almost constantly getting the hammer ons correct now. I am mostly memorized for the beginning of the song, but I need practice. The teacher last week gave me the verses with the chords on them and it’s a bit helpful. But I realized I need to get the tempo right before trying to sing and play. But also some of the playing changes sooner than I expect when I’m singing it. So I just need more practice, is the answer.

I’m actually pretty impressed that I managed to keep up with practicing guitar. I know I am behind in my lessons though because I don’t have as much time to practice when I keep having to leave town. If I was learning a smaller instrument I would bring it with me, but also I don’t want my modestly expensive (for me) guitar to get broken and I just have a soft shell case right now. So I can’t bring it.

I’m also working on getting the course content into my Brightspace (the online portal) for students for the next class in the Winter term. I did a rubric for scoring their game design documents, but I realized I need to redo it to grade for the things they are supposed to include (lol I was tired when I started ok). I was just titling every week and putting a loose description into the module. So week 3 they learn how to make enemies and I wrote “Why make friends when you could make enemies?” in the module ha ha. Seriously though that week is just an intro to doing a health system and dealing damage. The week after we do healing which is also part of the health system, in case they want to have magic potions or medical care in their game.

Speaking of medical care, I cannot comment on the CEO of UnitedHealthcare getting shot because a) I’m not an American citizen, and b) I would not say nice things. But really I hope privatized health care does not get more of a foothold into Canada than it already has. I like having free healthcare, it makes me happy. And healthy! Like a good healing potion.

I should start thinking of my psych meds as healing potions. Although really psych meds are like if you had to take a healing potion every day twice a day to avoid turning into Someone No One Likes and is Maybe Afraid Of. Not that I mean to be scary. But mania is a Thing and it definitely makes me act a Way. Depression is a little easier for other people because I’m generally withdrawn, but while other people might be like “Aw Theo is sad” on the inside I’m like “I’m fucking dying ha ha ha where’s the nearest bridge?” Which is difficult on me as you can imagine.

Anyway, things are fine. I have some money, enough to have Christmas not be cancelled. And I’m going back on Friday to do my Final Exam and then coming back here on Saturday to do a zoom meeting and then a holiday dinner with other people in the housing place I am at. Busy busy! Next week I have a limited amount of time to get my last gym hours in before my top surgery revision.

I’m excited to see my finished chest. I know it will be a while to heal though. And I probably won’t share pics for a while until it just looks like a regular chest. I mean I was VERY excited with the first surgery because it was such a dramatic change. But this time it will be more subtle because it’s just to get rid of dog ears and some left behind side boob.

Todd is doing good, his bottom surgery healed well. The vet showed me his tiny under developed testicle that they kept in a jar of formaldehyde. Which looked like a long skinny mushroom.

Hard to believe Christmas is coming so soon! I need to get something for my mom. It’s the least fun present that she asked for, but that’s what she wants. I’ve got to clean my house tonight because I think I have some leftover energy to use, and it’s a mess.

It’s the end of the semester! I just have an exam to do with my students and then mark it and then I can put all my last marks in. Also participation marks.

ANYWAY that’s school stuff. I have to get all the marks in for the 19th because my revision is the 20th.

And then I will be on holidays for a while which will be nice, but really I will just be healing.

I ordered a Dutch Baby pancake kit, even tho I’m not supposed to lift heavy things. Ahhh I should see how heavy a cast iron pan is, maybe it’s under the limit.

I went to guitar class today, which was good! He’s getting me to memorize the fretboard, and showed me how to tell which is what and where on the E string. So that’s a thing, he’s going to start quizzing me on where a note is. So I gotta practice! I also am starting to get better at changing chords. He showed me how to hold a G chord like a C chord which should be able to let me change chords easier in this song. I’m going from C to D/F# to Am to G to D/F# to C to Am to G. So complicated and the D/F# was throwing me off. But it’s starting to gel! I need to be able to change a chord between an upstrum and a downstrum tho, so not a lot of time. He gave me a sheet with the lyrics for one verse with the chords on them, and we worked on using a metronome and getting the tempo. So I will be practicing that. There’s only two more classes for this term! I am going to take more lessons with him in the winter term too. I really wanted to learn this song and I didn’t realize how COMPLICATED it was, but the good part of that is that I had to learn a lot of different techniques and things. So in a way it was good that it was such an ambitious song. I think I’m going to do a Metric song after I learn this one, I really want to learn Help I’m Alive.

I got turned down by a festival I submitted to, but it was a long shot anyway. So that’s fine. I’m kind of too experimental for that festival I think, which is a reason I’ve never bothered submitting before. I’m showing that film tomorrow at aabaakwad though at Innis Town Hall at 2pm so if you want to see it please come! It’s free! It’s Dreams of Sunlight Through Trees, the one about me transitioning. So it will be the first time I see it in front of an audience. It showed at the Melbourne Queer Film Festival, but I was teaching so I couldn’t go.

Todd is still in his cone. He’s fine, healing went great, tomorrow after my gig I have to run him to the vet to see if he is allowed to take his cone off. There was only ONE time he licked himself because he pulled his cone off, but otherwise he has been great. Such a sweetie! We will all be happy when it’s off though, it’s hard to cuddle him when he’s got a big bucket on his head.

Ahhh I went off and did marking and now I gotta go to bed so I can go do work tomorrow afternoon showing my video and talking!

So goodnight!

It’s Saturday! I’m scrambling for money again. I have people I owe and I’m ALSO owed money, but I really need to pay one person because I’m sure he needs it for rent. Ahhh it’s stressful. Anyway if you want to help there’s a page about supporting me here that has paypal details etc. I am making money but not enough, unfortunately. Or not getting paid in a timely way anyway. I ALSO need rent money, so this all sucks.

ANYWAY.

I had a good day so far even though the money anxiety woke me up at 6:45am. I worked on my powerpoint for my last class on Monday, I got pretty far with it, it’s going to be shorter because the first 20 minutes is for feedback. And then we have the last presentation and then my blab and we watch some short films and then the reading and then wrap up. I made a list of films for further viewing, so hopefully they check them out if they want to see more.

Also I did some work on my Macîskotêw (Evil Fire) script by consulting with a close friend whose family member was brutally murdered, to talk about how to sensitively depict violence against Indigenous women. I keep getting notes that the violence is gratuitous so we talked about ways to present it differently. But also they just felt that there IS a lot of violence happening to Indigenous women and so they didn’t really think the note about violence was helpful considering the reality of what goes on. Overall it was super helpful to get some feedback about how to do this film right. And they said there still might be someone who says the film harmed them, but they can write an essay. They are going to see if some other people they know are able to talk with me though in case they have other feelings and thoughts about it. But we did generally agree that implied violence was better than straight up gore on screen, unless it comes to the fire part of the script which is only used against the predators. And the viewpoint shouldn’t be from the perpetrator. They said how since their loved one was murdered they can’t watch the gorey parts of horror films, which is why having it implied and not onscreen would probably solve some of my issues. So that gave me a lot to start with when I dive back into this script. I also sent a link to Kwêskosîw (She Whistles) so they can share it with the other people who might talk to me, so they get a sense of the story I am doing. They had seen Kwêskosîw (She Whistles) and liked the way I did it, so that was encouraging.

For a long time I’ve thought I really need to get more community input into the script, and so far it’s mainly been producers and story editors and so on. So having the perspective of a family member was really important and it’s just hard to ask of people I don’t know. I didn’t know how to ask until I realized I could ask my friend. So I’m hoping to get some more perspectives but also talking to them was super valuable for me. I’ve also been teaching this Indigenous Cinema class and this thing that keeps coming up in the work is how much community consultation goes on between the filmmakers and their communities. Like, elders telling stories or community members being interviewed or asking for notes along the way after an edit. Etc. Just making it less about me when it’s an issue the larger community is dealing with. At the same time, I’m the writer and director so it is my story. But I don’t want to make it being uninformed.

Yeah, so that’s cool.

My class ends so soon! Monday is the last one. And I am marking essays this weekend. And in a couple weeks I will be marking exams. And then I have until the 19th because my revision is on the 20th. Oh man. I have to get a new class ready over the winter break too, and I haven’t even started the online portal for it. It’s nice teaching and probably wouldn’t be so much work if it didn’t take as much commuting as it does for me right now. That seems to be what is taking up my time the most.

I’ve been very weepy these days. Todd went and got neutered this Thursday and when I went to pick him up he was having a hard time coming out from his sedation. He was small and curled up and cold and crying and I was holding him in the vet office and they were trying to figure out how to get him walking. He was starting to improve, but so slowly. He perked his little head up but would NOT walk. And we waited and waited but they were closing so they gave me the number and address of the emergency vet and told me to take him if he got worse, and otherwise to wake up every hour and check on him. So I did that. And he was slowly improving but it took SO LONG. Poor dopey boy. He did start walking once I put him on a pee pad to have a pee, he walked into his kennel which was a couple feet away. And then I went to the bathroom and he walked to the doorway to the bedroom, which is closer to the bathroom. So he was getting better and the vet was checking in by phone. And yeah, by the next morning he was bouncing around. BUT OMG when he was just small and curled up and crying in my arms at the vet I felt SO AWFUL and sad. He was so traumatized and I just started thinking about children in war zones who are traumatized and not even as safe as Todd is. OMG that empathy that keeps going all over. I don’t usually cry in front of people, so when I was holding a drugged up Todd and we were watching his favourite Florence and the Machine concert at Royal Albert Hall on YouTube, I was totally crying. My little boy! Why does he need to lose his nuts anyway? Realistically I know it’s better for him not to have them though, and now he can be boarded. But wow I was so anxious about him.

I also had this ongoing fear for weeks that his surgery would have a complication and they would take the wrong thing out, because I read about a similar surgery (he had a crypto-orchidectomy, which is when one testicle is still inside) where they accidentally took the dogs urethra and prostate and the dog had to be put down. SO OMFG I was terrified at first that that is what was happening to him. So later at home when he started peeing I was SO FUCKING HAPPY. Never been so happy to see a dog pee.

He’s doing okay now, learning to live in a cone. He’s great, such a sweetie. I love him. I’m so glad his surgery is over now and he just gets to heal and be a dog.

I’ve met lots of different kinds of men and enby’s from Grindr, but recently one of them turned out to be SUPER SKETCHY!

He doesn’t know anything about me or this blog, so I don’t feel bad talking about it. But anyway, a month ago or maybe two, I had a hookup with this guy who literally came over, said nothing, went to my bedroom, we had sex and he got dressed and left. BARELY said a word. I thought that was weird.

Anyway I forgot about him and recently connected with another blank profile who wanted to hookup. And he said we met before, and I mean most of the people I’ve met have been ok and I thought maybe it was this other guy, also he shared a photo which could have been someone else. But when he came over I realized it was this Quiet Guy again. And we had sex but he kept choking me, and he would stop when I made him stop. But it was still so fucking sketchy because he had this INTENSE look on his face. Like, he was thinking of deleting me I am pretty sure. He didn’t though. He finished and got dressed and left. And I feel like I should have been more afraid but I wasn’t. I like getting choked but not often and def not by a Grindr hookup who doesn’t communicate properly.

Anyway long story short I blocked him after he left, but he is one of those people that is constantly deleting and then restarting his Grindr app. Which is a questionable thing anyway. AND basically in case you hadn’t figured out, SUPER downlow. Which is a whole level of shame and resentment I don’t like or want to be involved in. But I think I will recognize the next time I talk to him, because of how he refers to himself and stuff.

What is with down low guys and why are so many of them into trans dudes?

BUT anyway, in therapy today I was talking about this guy, and how I AM realizing I want a boyfriend more than constant hookups. BUT none of my hookups are able to be elevated to boyfriend status. Which means I should probably raise my standards. And screen guys more thoroughly. A long time ago when I still dated women I made a list of things I wanted in a partner on one side of a piece of paper, and things I didn’t want on the other side. I was so fucking picky on estrogen and then getting obsessive crushes. It was messed up. BUT I do know my desires for things in a partner are changing and that old piece of paper is probably out of date. So I might do it again during winter break, when work is over and I’m healing from my revision.

I have to take a sex break after my revision anyway, so I will be introspective. Maybe.

I can’t lift heavy things for two weeks after my revision and it’s going to interfere with me using my cast iron pan for a Dutch Baby which is such a shame, I usually have that on Christmas morning.

Ah what else? A lot of work stuff is coming up. I’ve gotten further on my video game though, he’s fully mobile, so now I have to make some stuff for him to interact with. I need to make a rat run around.

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and how long I was looking for one and also how I kind of sabotaged my chances by being a closeted bisexual trans man for so long. Or pansexual, whatever. I feel like I misrepresented myself for decades because I was afraid no one would love me if I was openly trans. But I was non-binary for a long time. But also not dating a lot of types of people I would date now. So my dating pool was small and not really my pool anyway. It’s complicated, but basically being a lesbian and trying to find a long term relationship was not working out for me, mostly because I was not a woman. I think I was really limited also in the type of relationship I wanted at the time, based mostly on heteronormative relationship ideals that we are all marinated in. It’s only been recently that I’ve started to figure out what kind of relationships make me happy.

I’m not dating anyone seriously now. And I’m genuinely not sure I have the time to have a relationship with someone right now. It’s been hookups for a while because they are fun but also don’t take a lot of time or energy or upkeep. I was talking to a woman on Tinder a while back and she asked where relationships fit into my life right now because I think I said I was concentrating on my career. And it just kind of made me feel like yeahhhh I’m not really able to invest time into someone at this moment. Unless they were cool about seeing me only once a week or sometimes not at all.

I also have a really good housing situation because I am in a co-op, so I’m staying here for as long as I can. There have been people who spent their whole lives here. And I think this would be a good neighbourhood to be a senior trans dude, when I am way older. I’m close to the Village and in a big city and there’s a large dating pool for trans men here. And so I don’t want to move, but also if someone moved in I have anxiety I would end up having to move out, and I have heard of partners of people in co-ops moving in with them and then pushing out the person who originally lived in the co-op. And having to find a home in Toronto right now is very financially unrealistic, so a lot of people who get pushed out just leave town. But my specialists are here and my community and my friends and blah blah. It’s just better for me to be here for a lot of reasons.

I’m not sure ha ha what else was I going to say about relationships? Oh just that I wish I had been dating as a trans man for a lot longer than I have. I might have already been noticed by someone who likes me for who I actually am, instead of passing by all these people as someone I was not.

I’ve been posting images of my skeleton rig animations on Instagram and Facebook, and they don’t get much engagement but I guess that doesn’t matter. I am sure it looks boring to others. BUT ANYWAY I’m trying to have something done for a show next week, so I was trying to make it moveable. And I didn’t realize how complicated getting an animated rig to also move normally would be. It took a while, I was using an Animator that was more built for a 3d project, but it works so I guess it’s fine. I also am having the hardest time getting it to jump. It IS jumping technically, but the animation doesn’t play, and the jump itself is not very high. Like a hop. Like barely hopping. BUT the main point is that now when I walk across the room, the speed of the walking matches the speed of the animation so it looks nice and normal.

And the punching is doing well. I have to figure out how to make the hands weapons. They don’t really make fists. They just reach out like they are punching with straight hands. So probably his bones would crumble before doing damage if he was a real guy.

The running ALSO needs work! He just runs in one spot, because there’s no arrow for movement. So I need to figure out a different way to trigger the running. The walk button is built in with the movement, but I was using right shift to run and that’s not it. I will figure it out. He looks pretty funny just running in one spot though.

The jumping would be amazing if it worked.

OH YEAH anyway yeah boo on the election down south, I am not impressed but also not surprised. I don’t think the Democrats had a really distinct campaign, I mean they were already supporting a genocide, and they would still support it after the election. So that’s fairly unpopular. But also Trump is a nightmare. And I agree there would be SOME good things if the Democrats stayed in power, maybe. But also Roe v Wade was overturned while the Democrats were in power and they didn’t do a lot to fix it. So maybe it would just be slightly less worse under the Democrats. I don’t know, political systems are fucked.

MOSTLY though, I’m nervous about the looming Conservative government we are going to get here in Canada. Because I’m not looking forward to a government making policy driven on their personal icks about other humans, but that’s what they always do because it sells to their shitty base. I’m not sorry, if you’re a Conservative you’re a shitty heartless person.

ANYWAY ha ha there’s my mini rant, I don’t feel like getting more into it right now.

I am glad in hindsight that I didn’t apply to those University jobs in the States, and that I didn’t choose a bottom surgeon in the States. I would be a lot more stressed right now otherwise.

I am nervous about my friends down there though. And also worried that I will lose work in the States because my being trans is going to be criminalized. So that is shitty.

Also in some ways things I feel better about my life are things that are difficult for other trans people right now, which feels shitty too. Like, I’m glad I changed my name and gender on all my ID and have an updated passport. And now I’m seeing all these people in my trans groups scrambling to change their names and genders on ID and in their passports.

This transition has really felt to me like when Indiana Jones is rushing to get out of a temple and slides under the stone door just as it’s closing. Like, I have SPEED RUN though this transition. And maybe to the outside eye it looks fast, but I was also thinking about doing this since I was 19 so like, I lived with this potential for two and a half decades before medically transitioning. And I wish it hadn’t taken me so long. BUT ALSO I kind of know why, because there are some non-binary parts of me. Not other personalities, I only have one personality and it can be pretty sour ha ha. But no! I mean transitioning to male made me nervous about how hard it would be to be gender non-conforming as a visibly male guy. Because I still miss having painted nails, and I like wearing bright colours. And if my hair wasn’t thinning I would still be colouring it instead of shaving it. And I am pretty fruity/faggy and I don’t feel like butch-ing it up just to satisfy some straight cis guy somewhere who has to walk past me in Dollarama.

ALSO!!! A lot of those straight cis guys are on Grindr so give me a break. I can be a swishy bi trans guy leave me alone.

I am starting to think about identifying as pansexual. I was fine with bisexual, but now I’m hoping to indicate an attraction to a wider spectrum of human beings.

ALSO I guess I do have flowers on my arm and my chest, so I’m very obviously not a bro bro.

ANYWAY ha ha there’s my post after the election. I have no point. I’m doing my work a lot these days and keeping my head down and learning new things. My guitar lessons are going really well too! I’m able to play more of Wish You Were Here, every week we move further and further into the song. Now I am learning all the part up to the point with the complicated solo. So I know a lot of it, and next week we skip the solo and go into a lot of chords and strumming. So it’s been good. I don’t have the lyrics on my sheet music. But I’m not ready to play and sing at the same time. I am still failing at getting to the gym. I think I might go tomorrow. I was going to go on Thursdays but realistically I can’t squeeze the gym in on Thursdays. Tuesdays I am exhausted (plus it’s the easiest night to schedule hookups). Wednesday? What is going on Wednesdays? Nothing really but I am also overloaded with work right now. Saturdays I am free too, but if I go to the gym I work out my full body so it seems bad to go two days in a row.

OH YES but I do have some answers about my MRI! The report says I have a mild to moderate case of fatty liver, basically, and maybe something else that isn’t cancerous. So I am becoming a human foie gras! Terrible. I have to shoehorn going to the gym into my week, I guess is what I am saying. My schedule will be the same in the winter term because my class then is on Mondays also. So I need to figure out this gym time thing.

I had a busy day. Therapy, then practiced my guitar, then my guitar lesson, then went back home to feed pups, then back out to the hospital for an MRI. The MRI department is open 24 hours, which made me wonder who they scan in the early morning hours of 1 or 2 or 3am. That would be brutal. Mine was 8:15pm but I got there super early so they got me in and out of there by 8.

I’ve been having anxiety about the MRI because I never had one before. It’s a weird experience. Lay on a table, they give you something to hold to squeeze if you have issues, put a pad of some sort on you to measure breathing, ear plugs and headphones, and then the table goes into this narrow tube. And then they tell you when to breathe and when to hold your breath. And it’s making all these noises like a Star Wars battle or an angry rhythmic raccoon banging on a garbage can with a stick. At one point I was worried I would hyperventilate because like, when you open your eyes the top of the tube is RIGHT THERE very close and in front of you. Anyway, she got the imaging she needed.

So I was finally released from the tube, full of contrast dye. Came home and ordered Chinese food and smoked a J. And now I am just, resting I guess. It was a lot! But I should know what is up with my liver soon. I don’t know how long it will take for my doctor to let me know what’s up. It could be cancer but it could be a lot of other things too.

I hope it’s not cancer. It kind of sparked a whole midlife crisis thing, which I was hoping I would deal with by learning to play the guitar. Turns out existential questions about what happens if my lifespan is shorter is also part of my midlife crisis. It wouldn’t be a midlife crisis if it was true though, it would just be an approaching end of life crisis. Ahhh.

BUT I’ve been thinking more about cutting back on weed, and going back to the gym. I just haven’t had time. And the moments I did have time, I was hooking up with guys and yeah that’s been taking too much time. I need to cut back on hookups because I’m just too busy. How depressing!

Although I’m having my revision over the Christmas holidays, so I probably won’t want to hook up with anyone at that point. I just don’t feel like sex when I have stitches. No. No no no.

I carved a pumpkin this year! It came out better than other years because I used a smaller knife. So this little pumpkin is out there. I should go blow it out actually. I wonder if it’s still burning? It’s been a windy night.

My video game is starting to do things it needs to do. I have been getting the skeleton rig working, and now I am animating it for when it’s standing, and walking, and running. I need to figure out how to do jumping and fighting. I was going to have it grab weapons, but it’s hands aren’t really made for grabbing, they just stick out straight the whole time. So I dunno, even if it held weapons with straight hands, that would be cool. I was even thinking of just programming it to be animated for punching. I think that would be really cute.

I’m also starting to think about audio. I am not sure what a full skeleton would sound like walking. I imagine like a bunch of sticks, or wooden wind chimes. But maybe a bag of bones sounds different. I want to record the audio myself, because I am tired of downloading audio and getting alerts that it’s been copyrighted by someone at some point. So I need to record the sounds of a skeleton moving around. Maybe a bunch of sticks tied to strings? I don’t know. Rattling?

I am in a creative state right now, my therapist was remarking on it. I tend to be really happy when I am being creative.

I was also talking in therapy today about being worried about a Conservative government taking away my Gender affirming health care. I was talking about how much it changed for me internally and she said it would be like taking away a psych drug, to lose my testosterone.

It’s just that estrogen made me attach to people I shouldn’t have been attaching to. I think testosterone helped me live my life the way I wanted more. Like I always DID want to be a slut, I just couldn’t do it on an estrogen dominant system. Oh and I cried all the time. And had very little energy. Like it really would decrease my quality of life so much to lose access to testosterone.

Since the doctor and nurse found my ideal testosterone dose (70mg once a week) they gave me 11 refills of that dose. So at least I have a lot of it, I think I only use three refills a year, maybe four. Not a lot though, so I hope it lasts for a while in case something happens.

I hate that I have to think about this. I would be so depressed and suicidal if I was forced off my hormones. But Alberta is doing transphobic shit and Saskatchewan is doing transphobic shit and they are all suspending the charter of rights and freedoms to oppress trans people. And they always start with youth and they always move on to adults. And it’s just bullying. And Ontario has a Conservative government, but they haven’t tried transphobia and I hope they don’t. They might. BUT ALSO the federal Conservatives are getting support and these dumbass parties like the NDP and Bloc Quebecois are threatening to bring down the government which for sure would mean the Conservatives come to power. And I don’t appreciate it, I used to vote NDP all the time but I actually might vote Liberal if it would keep the Conservatives out of power.