I was looking at my calendar today and realized a grant deadline was coming up. And I needed to write a script before applying, because it’s for a dramatic short. I realized Telefilm is not going to give me money for a feature unless I keep making short dramas. Although I love experimental docs and don’t think that contraindicates being a feature film director. But apparently it does. SO ANYWAY I had been wanting to make a short about poverty. And I’ve been talking about it for a while but it just hadn’t gelled yet. BUT this deadline was coming.

Not to mention there are issues with my Macbook Pro where I have vertical lines on the screen. I’m hoping it will hang on long enough to do this workshop tomorrow. HOPEFUL! But also I knew it probably wouldn’t survive long enough to write a short script this weekend. So I had TODAY to write it, because my scriptwriting software is on my Mac and I don’t want to get a PC version and pay more money for it. And I opened my notes about the film I wanted to make and realized there was finally enough. So I wrote it. In like, an hour, eleven pages. Maybe an hour and a half. That’s the fastest I’ve written a script. BUT ALSO I had been percolating this idea for months, so maybe it just spewed out. And it was all about poverty and how hard that is and the decisions you make and feeling like you’re not able to be there for people you care about. So it was a lot and the end is SUPER SAD and made me cry. And now every time I read the end I cry. Which I guess means it’s working. But then I shared it with my Mom and she was like “Yikes that is depressing!” Which makes me wonder if it’s a lot. BUT ALSO it’s reality that Indigenous people live with. And poverty is violent. And the death in the script isn’t directly linked to poverty, but the poverty the main character experiences is what keeps him from being able to be present for his loved ones. So it’s a bummer script really.

BUT ALSO as someone who struggled with poverty, especially during the last year, I wanted to talk about how violent and coercive poverty can be. Like it’s not like he’s killing pigeons to eat squab at home (although I have heard of people having to do that). But it is depressing. He’s a good character too though, he’s an Indigenous trans man and I think I’m going to be the actor for him. I’ve wanted to act in a dramatic short of mine, I think I can do it. And with a small enough crew I won’t feel self conscious about it. And it’s easier than trying to find such a specific type of actor. So yeah, I will be directing AND acting which is, you know, different. But doable. And there aren’t a ton of locations, just a call centre, welfare office, the main character’s home, and a pub. And the outdoors, but like, the front sidewalk of his house. So that’s minimal. And the pub just has me and an actress in it. The call centre and welfare office could be the same location with minor changes, and that’s only three actors and the main character. So it’s all doable, with specific angles. Like, I don’t want to pay extras for the pub scene, so it will just be them in the corner together. And I’m hoping to hire someone I’ve worked with before for the girlfriend role, who is a trans character. And then there’s going to be some stuff “online” and some printed correspondence and some texts and some phone calls. The phone calls will be easier because only one character will be on camera.

So I have planned it out as low budget as possible. Three locations, I could probably shoot it in two days. Three at the most, but the pub scene will be short because it’s only two pages of dialogue, and the welfare and call centre office could be most of the rest of the shooting day. I’m thinking the scenes in his home can take up one whole day in one location. So yeah! That’s the plan.

After I wrote it I completed the grant application for it. I’m asking for $15,000 for it. I did a rough budget. I’m hoping it comes through so I can shoot this spring and edit myself for a summer finish. It won’t take a ton of time to make. It would be done in time for fall screenings next year. I just hope no one says it’s poverty porn. It’s not porn! It’s just life when life is rough! Not all of us can be non-triggering in talking about our life experiences. Sometimes life fucking sucks and poverty makes it worse. Although he does make porn in the film, but not onscreen, just behind his bedroom door.

Yeah. It’s depressing but human I think. But will probably make a bunch of people sad. BUT ALSO it’s about poverty and that’s the point.

People are so ashamed when they are poor. I know I am. It feels like being a failure, instead of how the system is working and failing people.

Anyway the university had lent me a laptop for work, and I’m using it now while trying to preserve my computer for this workshop tomorrow. But if the lines get worse I’m not sure what I will do, it will interrupt me being able to show how this program works. So wish me luck I guess! I might download the software onto this computer too. Although I am hoping to record Spanish zoom interpretation on this computer. AHHH WORK.

I also have to mark assignments this week. It’s reading week, so I can catch up on all of that. The deadline is tonight for the students. So I will have most of them to start tomorrow night. I’m going for thanksgiving dinner tomorrow afternoon, which should be nice, after my workshop.

It’s Wednesday! Hopefully I don’t just forget I’m writing this blog post and wander off until Thursday, although I do have ADHD and it’s been known to happen.

I got closure on an old relationship recently which was REALLY FUCKING GOOD. I just realized nothing was going to change in that situation, and it’s made it easier to move on. I hate getting stuck on people but I was SUPER stuck on this one person. But I think I was more stuck on possibilities and not the reality of the situation. And now knowing the reality of the situation has stayed the same made me able to abandon the possibilities. Plus my idea of a good relationship is evolving to something possibly not needing cohabitation, and definitely not monogamy, so I’m looking for something different now than what I wanted with that person. But even so I said something that they will definitely not forget and move on with me from, so yeah. I mean I criticized their partner, which was probably bad. And yeah it’s probably not something I would do now, but also it was just looming in my head which I guess is why I said it.

But anyway, now there’s finally space in my heart for someone new. My therapist and I were talking about it, she said I didn’t need to fill it with someone right away. Which is true, and something I always used to do as soon as I moved on from someone. But I’ve been in therapy to deal with my attraction for unavailable people, so I think I need to have a longer audition process for potential partners. I mean just date for a while before deciding on things. I also have this bizarre public profile as an artist/filmmaker/etc and so I need to find someone who can handle that. I really need someone who isn’t going to be worried if I post a couple photo to my instagram that has 2529 followers. I know it’s a lot of followers! Not a ton, not a Kardashian level of followers. But someone who only has 400 followers might be intimidated.

I hate being intimidating which is something I didn’t really consider when I became a more publicly known figure. I was telling my therapist one time about how I feel like I’m too powerful sometimes, to where being seen with me online is kind of like trying to shoo a small fly away from me and me accidentally squishing it. Like I don’t MEAN to cause harm but sometimes it just kind of happens by being publicly linked to me. And not that I have a horrible reputation (except for that defamatory series of posts about me) but just I don’t know, it makes people more visible when not everyone feels comfortable with visibility. It’s probably why I mostly post selfies and art and flowers and food on my Instagram.

I watched Will & Harper the other night, and the scene where they are looking at all the transphobic tweets made me sad. I know they are both public figures, but Will Ferrell has a more public facing role in his career than Harper and so everyone would notice him and by extension his trans friend. And have an opinion on it. It was really interesting seeing Harper try to engage in a road trip across a country with areas gripped by transphobia, with a celebrity friend with her.

It’s strange being a public figure but also to transition. I don’t know if I talk about that a lot. Someone was asking about my deadname at the opening the other day to make sure I was the same person and I don’t know. I guess I’m supposed to just say “I’m Theo I used to be Thirza.” But I don’t really feel the need to say that. But there’s also this pressure to like, forbid any visible remnants of Thirza, while I just don’t feel like editing all my videos again to change my credit line. But yeah I’m sure lots of colleagues have negative opinions of me transitioning, not that that really matters to me. But everyone seems to have an opinion of what people do with their bodies, and politicians have been trying to make my health decisions EVERYONE’s decision, which is unhelpful.

We need to get rid of the notwithstanding clause actually. It’s just being used to suspend the charter of rights and freedoms for trans people, that’s total bullshit. I hate Canadian politicians. Most of them anyway. The conservative ones especially.

Sometimes I talk to gay men on the apps and find out they are conservatives, or have no issue with the Conservatives taking power. And I’m always like wow what is your problem? That’s like the mice voting for the cats.

I was in business class on Via Rail coming back from London the other day and reading this sad story about a mini dachshund who died after being neutered because of complications with his undescended testicle and how his prostate got removed instead and his urethra. And omg I got SO SAD because Todd has to get neutered in a couple of months and he has one undescended testicle, so the same complicated thing could happen to him. I really hope not. His vet seemed confident at one of his puppy check ups that they would be able to get it out no problem. But I am still a worried dog dad.

Not to mention I am wading through all the paperwork for my own bottom surgery which will add nuts to my body and make my dick not tethered down, and I know there might be complications like with any surgery. But actually, even though it’s a bit scary for me, I have less concern with my own surgery than with Todd’s. I don’t know why I’m more worried about him. Maybe because if something goes wrong for him he could die, whereas I might just end up rejecting a testicle implant or something. Which is concerning but like, I would live. Or even if I lost sensation, I would at least still be alive. But Todd is just a little guy and I’m the one in charge of him and keeping him safe. I guess my surgery could go sideways and I could get sepsis and die. But that’s unlikely.

Anyway, Todd is getting too humpy in his adolescence and starting to be more aggressive so he DOES need to get neutered. Plus it will be easier to board him in a kennel if he’s fixed, and his license will be cheaper, and we could go back to dog classes. It will happen, I’m just going to be terrified when he goes in for his surgery. And will probably pray even tho I’m not a praying man ha ha. He also still has a baby fang that needs to get pulled while he is under, it’s super wedged into his mouth behind his adult canine. Just didn’t come out. Ha ha omg what is wrong with my dog? His baby tooth didn’t fall out and his testicles didn’t both come down, just the one. He’s holding on to stuff he doesn’t need to hold on to.

It’s a metaphor for life I guess ha ha.

I’m doing well aside from my worries about Todd. I’m still practicing my guitar almost every day. I have discovered I can practice in the mornings on Sundays too before I go to the train station. I’m not going to have access to my guitar for a lot of the next week though, since I’m away Thursday night and then Saturday until Monday. I’m finally seeing my guitar teacher for the first time next week. He seems cool, I’m not sure where we will start from. I can’t read music, I’m not great with tabs but I kind of get the concept, I know maybe three chords. I can play Hit Me With Your Best Shot, Smells Like Teen Spirit, Take a Walk on the Wild Side, that one line from Born In The USA, Wild Thing, the Mission Impossible Theme sort of. I need way more practice though. I learned the pentatonic scale today and I think I know the G scale too. I know how to do spider walks, but when I’ve seen youtube videos of them it seems everyone does them differently and I’m not sure which is the best way to do them. I have small hands so doing chords across three frets is hard for me, so I am hoping a teacher will show me how to be able to hold those chords properly. I sometimes wonder if I should have gotten a smaller guitar, but also I love my Martin Dreadnought and it’s the same style of guitar (not the same version tho) that was used on one of the songs I want to learn for Personal Reasons. And it’s pretty. And it makes me happy. I must be holding it better because my back pain has eased up and I really think it was linked to poor form and posture.

My back felt so messed up for a while that I thought I was like one of those people attacked by the secret weapon in Third Body Problem where they get cut into pieces with mysterious beams. I was sure my head and shoulders was just gonna fall off at some point. But I guess it was just the way I was holding my guitar, because I watched a youtube video that was more instructive on how to sit with it and since then my back pain has eased up a lot.

I also worked with the metronome more to learn timing, because mine is messed up. PLUS sometimes without the metronome, I find I try to hurry things up and then my hands get sloppy and I hit wrong notes.

Anyway, tomorrow I go back to London for an artist talk. Then I come home on Friday, have a hookup with a new hottie, and Saturday I go to Ottawa to do an artist walk through at this show I am in. So that will be nice, I’m so tired. I have to do a quick powerpoint tonight of some images I want to show for my artist talk tomorrow. I’ve been making PowerPoints for class and it’s been a lot. But I am more familiar with how to do them now so that’s cool. Anyway I also have to pack my bag for leaving early tomorrow morning. My train is at 11:30am. I guess that’s not SO early. I think it’s the train back the next morning that is early.

Ahhh artist talk! I could do the PowerPoint on the train, but that is cutting it too close!

So I DID do that pros and cons list about applying for the job in California, and it was kind of depressing. Like, ten pros to twenty-five cons. Which is very overwhelming. I decided not to spend my limited time applying for the job. HOWEVER I have not totally ruled out EVER moving to the States for work. Just not at this time. It also interfered with some long range plans I have. Like, I need to be able to schedule in my filmmaking and hopefully a larger project that would take more time. And I’ve really been conscious of how limited my time is for work and stuff. Like, even this teaching thing, I have realized one class a semester is probably doable. But two a semester AND trying to keep on top of my art practice AND being a little disabled dude? I don’t know about that. Not at this time anyway.

My therapist was being really supportive of me doing whatever I decided, but I could tell she was really happy that we would have more time together because I am staying in Toronto. I’m also not done therapy with her because there’s long range goals I’ve been working towards and we aren’t there yet. And also I have had a number of therapists/counsellors in my life and she’s been the best fit for me and has helped me become more of who I am. So having to search for a totally new therapist is daunting, even though at least I finally know what type of therapist works best for me. Plus the idea of starting from scratch with a new one, ughhh. And my therapist has seen me on two different hormonal systems too which is nice because she remembers when I was all hopped up on estrogen and would just come in and cry from beginning to end of our sessions, and me now where I just talk about what is going on and once in a while get teary.

Anyway, that dream of moving to California kind of got cancelled for now, but I’m not saying no forever because things could change for me. And I’ve learned that change is just part of life. And there was a person I had deep feelings for once upon a time who lives over there and maybe I will meet someone who lives there and wants to be with me. Like there’s just variables I am unaware of right now that could happen in the future.

I’ve been communicating with ancestors more these days (lol ancestors, I mean my Grandpa really) and I was just thinking on the train about why he never tells me future stuff. Like he’s not giving me advice about exactly what happens in the future. I think maybe the future is so unstable really that it’s hard to exactly say what will happen anyway, even if you are a spirit. And what good does knowing the future do for me anyway? Is it helpful? I see psychics sometimes, and there was one who got SO MUCH correct, but even then the thing I was hoping would happen that she saw happening didn’t happen. I was talking about this with my therapist once and I was like “But she said so much that was true, but this one thing she said doesn’t seem to be happening!” And my therapist said something like “Well I don’t know how the future works!” Which is so honest and just something I should probably accept. I heard someone else say psychics work with probabilities, like, these things are LIKELY to happen. But it’s never really guaranteed. Anyway it’s probably better to get advice from a spirit than a set future that might not be 100% for real.

Anyway, I’m over halfway done my PowerPoint for class tomorrow, so I should go finish that and then order some dinner. Last class I accidentally subjected them to Dua Lipa and then Tyler Tarot because the autoplay was on my YouTube. I have fixed that now! But every class I have forgotten how to set up the AV, and I am using a Windows computer for class that I have next to no understanding of. I just don’t want to bring in my Macbook because it’s near the end of it’s life and overheats and shuts down and plus I look at rude stuff on it and plus sometimes I get notifications on the screen and I don’t need my students reading my texts. Oh man. That was the worst invention, on screen notifications. I don’t mind notifications for my calendar, but like, rude texts that are not really rude but maybe inappropriate for my students to read? No thanks!

I went to the Polaris Prize Gala last night, it was nice! People were getting rowdier and rowdier as the night wore on though because they were drinking and getting drunker and drunker and more cringey by the minute. Or at least some people near me were driving me kind of nuts. I don’t know what happened to concerts where now people sing along but I don’t pay to listen to drunk people singing and that’s just a thing now. Lol ok that’s my crabbing for the day. But really I feel like this is a newer phenomenon? I don’t know.

I did really love that Jeremy Dutcher won though! I was glad to see his speech.

In other stuff, I’ve been doing a lot of different types of work things these days. There was a workshop I lead on Saturday on video production and I taught my class the other day and I got in an application to a fellowship and I’m helping a friend with her script. And soon we’re getting money from Telefilm to do another couple of drafts of the script. So it’s busy times! I am still probably putting my application in to that job in LA. BUT I also know I need to do a more exhaustive pros and cons list before making major decisions. Like, what if I get fired and I’m living in California with no money to get back to Canada? Or what if the pay isn’t enough? Or what will happen with my relationship with my therapist (not an inappropriate relationship, just the therapeutic relationship)? What if I am doing better here than I would be there? I know so many people here and it’s hard to get re-established somewhere else. Especially as an older person.

ALSO I got my approval for funding for bottom surgery! But it had an error in it that included vaginectomy. Which I didn’t want as I am still using that! So I got some anxiety and then someone else who dealt with OHIP told me to email them and let them know and so I did and they got back to me today and let me know they would resend the approval letter today WITHOUT vaginectomy. So that got fixed so quickly! I’m really happy I didn’t have to fight to keep it, because I know of someone else who had to fight to keep his front hole and get a phalloplasty, and there was a case recently of a nonbinary trans person who had to go to court to get penile preserving vaginoplasty covered because OHIP kept insisting they needed penectomy if they wanted vaginoplasty. ANYWAY I should get that letter soon and then I have to fill out a ton of forms on the GRS website to get in the queue to get my file looked at. They said 6-9 months to get my file assessed or whatever and then I guess we can do a consult. And I don’t know how long after that to get the surgery. I’m hoping I can do it next summer. But it also might get interrupted if I end up moving to California, so again another con in the pros and cons list.

I’m seeing my therapist tomorrow and I think I need to do this pros and cons list today so I can get a bigger picture of what I am thinking/feeling about potentially going to California. Like even just with therapy, she’s such a good therapist and I was hoping to still be with her when I was forming my next relationship because I feel like it would be helpful. Ah ha ha but what if my future partner is in California and not here?

See also around this time is when I would usually see a psychic but I saw one recently so it feels silly to see someone again so soon.

Anyway I think I’m going to go make this pros and cons list and start my powerpoint for class next week and also I have to squeeze in some guitar practicing time.

I’ve been doing good with guitar! I practiced almost every day that I’m in town except for one extremely busy day. But everyday between 15 minutes to an hour. As I learn more, my practicing goes for longer. I learned Take a Walk On the Wild Side yesterday which is super easy because it’s a bar of A chord and a bar of D chord over and over. I haven’t tried singing along with it yet. I know I have to practice singing at some point but omg I need vocal lessons too. Actually vocal lessons would be helpful even just with my voice changing from my second puberty. I’m hoping to start classes soon but this week my teacher is away and next week I’m away.

BTW I did my pros and cons list and the cons list is unfortunately longer at the moment.

I have been so fucking busy the last few days. Sunday I went to London and finished my PowerPoint for class. Monday I was up at work just after nine working on my video game, taught my class etc., and then I went to the train station. Got home about 10:30pm and I hadn’t been hydrating myself properly so I was super dizzy when I woke up the next morning. And so then Tuesday was kind of a wash, I was just rehydrating and eating properly and recovering from Sunday/Monday. And Wednesday I went to the optometrist and picked new glasses, and then went to the dentist and got my teeth cleaned. No cavities! Then today I had therapy and then Ubered to my top surgeon’s clinic so they could do a revision consult with me. So that got scheduled for December when my class is done the in person stuff. And today I also did a lot more work, I wrote a letter of recommendation, and worked on my PowerPoint for next week’s class, and did a reading and watched some short films to include next week (it’s Taika Waititi next week!). So that was cool. And I drew my first asset for my game, a mace! I need to draw so many things omg and I think I need a new Apple Pencil.

Tomorrow I am helping my friend with top secret film stuff, and also continuing with my PowerPoint and also doing some writing for some applications.

I got a really nice job opportunity sent to my email inbox, and I was debating if I would apply (I’m assuming it starts next fall because it’s a tenure track position and they have to do the whole job search thing this academic year). ALSO it’s in Los Angeles. And I haven’t done my whole pros and cons list yet, but even though I was kind of like “Oh maybe it would be super bro-ey” I finally looked at the program’s webpage and the department seems really progressive and artistic. And looking at their job application stuff, it seems like they are looking for someone like me. Which might be why they emailed me the job advertisement because I know I’m not on their mailing list. Anyway, I hadn’t really thought of moving to Los Angeles, so it’s kind of a long shot for me and not really where I was expecting to go. BUT ALSO it’s really early days and I haven’t even submitted my application yet. AND ALSO it would be nice to have some regular income after this artist-in-residence position wraps up next year.

I talked to my therapist about it today because she and I would have to stop seeing each other if I move, which is hard on me, but also I think if something like this worked out it would be worthwhile to move for the job. It’s weird considering a change this big though. I don’t know. Moving cities/countries is a big deal. Even moving here from Saskatchewan was STRESSFUL and hard. I think I would abandon all my furniture though, I would get rid of a lot of books too. I would try to move as little as possible, because when I came here I brought so much stuff I really didn’t need.

It’s a lot to think about!

I’ve also got another application for a thing I am working on. A lot of work! I am also leading the video production workshop on Saturday for Crushing Colonialism, so that’s something I need to prepare for. I feel like I’m just going to be constantly working for a while now. Which is good in some ways, because it means I am making money. But hard in other ways because I need to carve out moments to rest so I don’t burn out.

I didn’t have time to go to the gym this week so far, which kind of sucks. I’m hoping Saturday I can go. I have so many responsibilities and I take them all seriously, but I did want to keep working on my body because it’s making me happy and relieves stress.

I’m still working on playing my guitar! I know I need to start lessons soon though because I need some direction in what I should be learning. I play every day that I’m home though. My fingertips are starting to get a funny pins and needles sensation because they are building callouses. Which is cool! My friend who plays guitar told me I would notice them in two weeks of playing, and it’s true! I think my baby finger needs work though. But at least three out of four fingers on my left hand are getting good. I need a teacher who will show me proper form though and stuff. I’m such a baby guitarist!

I got an email from a casting director for Canada’s Got Talent who wanted to know if I would audition for the next season and I was like omg what would I do? Nude trans performance art? Also Shania Twain is the judge next year, that don’t impress me much (ha ha it kind of does tho). BUT realistically I can only play one line from Born in the USA and I also learned the opening riff for Eye of the Tiger, but that is so limited and I am not going to scar my psyche by playing my piss poor guitar skills in front of Shania Twain. It would be incredibly funny though, to go and be such a sad beginner. I can’t even sing, or I haven’t tried since my voice changed anyway.

It would be cool if I was a good singer now that my voice changed. It is a sexy voice, maybe it’s a money maker beyond narrating experimental documentaries.

So I’ve been noticing Twitter is way more fash in the last year etc. since Elon took over (probably an understatement on the fascist stuff). And there’s a shit ton of bots being run by foreign and domestic governments, and accounts run by people paid for by foreign and domestic governments. I recently saw a post of a link to an Israeli government fee sheet for people posting on behalf of the government that outlines how they are paid for their actions online, including being paid for engagement with their posts, even negative engagement. So it feels less and less like being part of any kind of reality to be on sites like that. I find this similar on Facebook, but have family members on Facebook so that’s keeping me there for now. It’s probably similar on all social media across the board really.

But Twitter/X was ESPECIALLY clearly destructive in terms of manufacturing a reality we really aren’t living in, making things stressful for me as a trans person also. And the good accounts have mostly left Twitter/X. And really it just felt like staying there was giving the site some kind of legitimacy when really there’s so much bullshit there. I know there’s some good people still trying to raise awareness about important issues. But the fact that I had to wade through so many dubious accounts and bots just didn’t make it worthwhile to stay. It felt like being in the Matrix! What’s even real there? Never mind the AI and shit, just so much dubious content. And it just gave me anxiety to be there.

I’m still grappling with my Facebook addiction, so if you have any tips for how to reduce my time there I would love to hear it. I’m not ready to completely delete it, but if I could just be on there for a certain amount of time a day that would be better.

Anyway, I am not judging people who stay on sites like Twitter, but just think critically about the accounts you engage with and who is benefiting from your outrage or anxiety when interacting there. They really are just propaganda sites now and society is being manipulated by using them. So I’m out.

There’s a medical emergency going on with someone I am close to, but he’s a very private guy and I already mentioned it elsewhere and I don’t think I’m going to write about it here cause he would probably hate it. But it has added some stress. Luckily he’s improving and I’m sure he’s going to pull through, although it will be a while. It’s just a lot to be dealing with right now on top of everything. And I got misgendered and deadnamed when someone put me down as his relative, so THAT’s been a whole thing to deal with too. My old name isn’t even legally my name anymore, and legally I am male and not female. And I have a dude voice. So it’s kind of frustrating. The old me does not exist on paper anymore, all my ID has Theo on it and M.

ANYWAY that’s all I will say about it here.

I’m still getting ready for class on Monday, which I am excited about. It’s the first class so I am trying to keep it a bit lighter. But we’ll see. I don’t want to talk about that very much here either because social media + teaching can go awry so easily. So I’m just keeping that private too mostly. I don’t know anything I would mention anyway, besides maybe being excited about the content I’m covering. I don’t know that a blog is social media, no one is interacting with me here except for a couple friends who sometimes leave comments. But I guess it does have a bigger audience.

So the things going on in my life otherwise are pretty okay. I’m still practicing guitar every day. I was falling behind in this youtube 10 day guitar lesson thing I was doing, so I switched it up and started learning about super basic exercises to practice instead. Things that teach me how to do fingering and strumming and picking and scales etc. Not so much focused on learning songs right now, but I’m hoping getting these steps down will give me a better place to move back into learning songs. I still know that one melody for Born in the USA which is hilarious, I should learn at least one other melody before my neighbours think I’m a big Bruce Springsteen fan. I played today until my arm muscles got fatigued. It was nice, I should probably try to get into my gym habit again too, especially since my YMCA membership is still active and I need to work off some stress energy.

I was making a weekly schedule I’m going to try and follow and it goes like this:

Sunday – Go to London
Monday – Teach, go to Toronto
Tuesday – Work, Gym, Guitar
Wednesday – Work, Guitar
Thursday – Therapy, Work, Gym, Guitar lesson
Friday – Work, Guitar
Saturday – Gym, Guitar

I think this schedule is sustainable. That work day I did this week where I went at 6am and came back at 9pm was NOT very successful. I even ate throughout the day, and still the sleep deprivation kicked my ass. I have Cyndi Lauper tickets on a Sunday night in Oct and was going to try and do the 6am-9pm commute the next day, but now I’m not sure.

BUT it’s Cyndi Lauper’s Farewell Tour and I would PROBABLY regret not going. Why does she have to perform on a Sunday? Curses!

Aww ha ha after all that shit went down in March I was like “I should just never say anything about any nice thing I do again!” Like in case it got evil eyed I guess even though that’s not really an Indigenous concept. I don’t know, I guess there’s people who do bad medicine. And I did have a dream recently someone tried to stab me with a fork but I fought them off anyway. I don’t want to get cocky and be like “no one can ruin my life with evil magic” but I mean fuck I don’t know. I think I’m protected spiritually though. And I mean it was mostly to get buff, but I did do all those boxing classes for years so physically I’m not completely helpless. BUT ANYWAY the point is I still get excited about life and no sour apples are going to make me stop being excited about the things I do in my life. Even if they get ruined I suppose, because at least I got to enjoy it for a while.

Big picture career wise my feature is going back into development and some stuff is getting moved around to see if we can get money in a different way. And people keep complaining about the violence but it is a film about violence against Indigenous women. So I am trying to figure out a way to convey the same stuff but not in such a graphic way. There was a horrific case in Winnipeg about a serial killer necrophiliac and that is so fucking evil and nothing like that is in my film. But it’s just like, I think I AM holding back on the violence already, but I am supposed to make it even less graphic. So it’s something I am considering, how to sensitively talk about violence against Indigenous women. It’s been hard writing a film about trauma to begin with. And it’s kind of odd because I also want to make a sitcom someday about nothing to do with violence, just some light fluffy fun series. So I guess I just don’t want to get pigeonholed because I make one type of genre film. BUT ALSO like yeah awful things happen. And it’s not like I’m making SAW but with Indigenous women, the lead character does have super powers and even her partner has agency and is well rounded.

So yeah. SIGH ha ha omg. Making a film is hard, especially in budgets over 2 million, and I had a brief moment where I was like “I’m giving up!” But people keep telling me not to give up so I guess I have to keep going. And we do have a distributor so it’s like, there’s some stuff in place that will help it get made.

And then I make experimental films which are usually not so horribly expensive, but also not the right form of film according to Telefilm. Although I did direct some dramatic shorts. But not ENOUGH. And I’ve made like, 37 shorts altogether. But mostly experimental docs which don’t count I guess. It’s frustrating. So I’m going to try and make another dramatic short, possibly about the horror of poverty because it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot. I like comedies though but my feature is not a comedy, so I guess it’s better to prove I can direct drama still.

So many things are going on!

I should go and call the hospital to check on my relative again. And then go to the gym finally. There’s some kind of street fair going on so I have to find out how to get my streetcar because it definitely has to go off route. I hate when there’s this many people in the neighbourhood, so crowded! I had to go get dog food and it was a lot.

Yesterday was my third day at Western, but no students yet because they don’t start until Thursday. I’m going back next week for the first real class. It was a nice day at Western, I did a department meeting, met a lot of colleagues, worked on my PowerPoint for class, walked back and forth on campus getting keys and trying keys in mailboxes and offices and so on. I made sure I could unlock and lock my classroom. It was a lot! But I’m really glad I was able to do all the work to be ready for next week.

Since my artist residency starts now, I’m going to start drawing assets for my new video game. It’s the Repatriate Me game, so I have to draw the little spirit character. I already did a drawing of him facing the viewer, BUT I realize he’s going to be mostly seen from the side so he can go back and forth. So I’m going to have to redraw him from the side, but at least I know what I want him to look like.

In my head he’s a trans character. I don’t know how to let the player know that. I’m still conceptualizing how this game will work. I need to do more research honestly, and I might make a trip during reading week to see if I can go to a museum that has a repatriation department. Feels gross to ask to look at bones of someone from a community I don’t belong to though, and honestly I don’t know that looking at bones is going to teach me something more than just asking how the museum works with communities trying to get their community members back. Zoom meetings might even be sufficient to answer my questions. I know there is a presence though when being around human remains, BUT ALSO do I need to feel that in person to make a game? I’m just trying to be respectful with the spirits and remains of people who have already been exploited by virtue of them being in the basement of a museum in a box.

ANYWAY! I didn’t get to practice guitar yesterday because I was in London. I actually headed out just after 6am to make the 6:50am train. Then I went straight to work and visited and did all those things. Then I went to a bar for a burger and near beer, and then went to the train station for a 7:38pm train back to Toronto. And even though I did eat throughout the day, I think by the time I got back home I was distressed from being awake for so long and like, feeling doomed as a filmmaker. Which is funny because my new film got into an exciting film festival on Monday. So I was like fuck I’m never going to make a feature film and I’m gonna take a job in California and do something else because it would pay me more etc etc. I think I was just frustrated and tired. And I have been known to make sweeping generalizations when I’m sleep deprived and hungry etc. BUT ALSO I did notice not being able to play the guitar yesterday impacted how I was feeling too, because I was missing it and wishing I’d had room to bring it.

I’ve been acting like I’m never going to be a professional musician, even with this nice guitar and these lessons I am going to start in a couple weeks. BUT I do make media work that has sound, like games and videos and films, AND being able to write songs and play them just for those projects might be something I would want to do. AND maybe when I am more proficient with an acoustic guitar I will want an electric guitar, which could give a different sound that works for a video game better. So maybe I am gaining a new useful skill that I can use in my career, besides ending up joining a rock band of middle aged men. Lol a Trans Dad Band. I still don’t want to be in a band, but it’s because I’m not good at guitar yet. YET.

I’m also writing the handout for the video production workshop we do in a couple weeks. It has to be translated to Spanish, so I’m trying to come up with all the info they might need. I’m just trying to go through the main points so they have something to reference when they are shooting their projects. The workshop will be more about going over where they are in their projects and how to use equipment they already have. We might get them some cheaper additional equipment, like lenses and mics for phones. It’s a lot to put in one handout! But also most youth are very advanced with video already because of things like TikTok etc.

I started a TikTok a while back, but ugh I’m not really into making short form videos, or like, not THAT short form. I like shorts but I guess I’m a snot about it or something because of the type of videos I make. And I don’t really feel like giving endless hot takes to a TikTok audience. No dances! No condescending rants! People can either watch my art videos or read this ridiculous overshare blog. Or see whatever I post on Instagram I guess.

I get notices of what posts are popular on this blog and I found it interesting that this one popular post is about the people who don’t talk to me since before my transition. I am happy to say the one person I felt the saddest about losing contact with is in contact with me again, and we are having a good relationship and positive interactions. I don’t mean Relationship, it’s not romantic because they are a relative. But like, our connection is solidifying again and that feels good to me. And she is getting to know me again now that I have transitioned and changed. It’s kind of weird to talk to her about cute boys since the last time we talked I was a lesbian. But it’s good knowing I can relate to her again and be supportive and have a friendly vibe between us. And also I am realizing in talking to her that I’m still essentially the person she knew before, just a different gender. And maybe more confident and happier.

So that’s something hopeful for you to know about. I think there are some relationships that could be saved eventually. But there’s one ex I don’t talk to who I mentioned in that old post, and I actually don’t WANT to talk to anymore, even if she came back wanting to be my friend. There was a betrayal involved in that and I’m just not really in the mood to forgive that kind of thing.

Forgiveness is a weird thing. Some people really say you have to forgive everyone and I just don’t think that’s true. There’s some unforgivable things that people can do to you. I think there ARE some times it’s a good idea, but also sometimes not forgiving is an aid to keeping a necessary boundary.

OH YES But anyway, Dreams Of Sunlight Through Trees got into a film festival this year already, it’s the first submission I got a response too on Film Freeway, and I’m really glad they took it even though it’s in an exciting country I wish I could go to, but can’t because of work. I mean it’s great it will be there, but also I’ll be sad to miss it in person. There’s one festival I submitted to that I am going to try and find some way to go to if I get in though, even if it’s a very short trip because of work, just because it’s such an important festival for filmmakers. And there’s another festival I hope to get into that I would travel to go to. But either way I’m glad it’s premiering at such a cool festival and will be excited to give more info when they announce it.

I’m letting my natural curiosity lead me in learning this guitar. I’m doing a youtube tutorial course right now which is like, 10 to 12 minutes every day for ten days. And then you practice after. So far I have learned chords A, E, and D, how to fingerpick, changing chords (but i need to make that quicker), and a few memorized melodies. Only two melodies really. BUT I also finally learned how to read guitar tabs today, because the tutorial had a melody I wasn’t fast enough to follow watching his fingers. And then I practiced for a long time trying to get the tune right. It was fun!

I’m also finally reading Rest Is Resistance: A Manifesto by Tricia Hersey. In the beginning she makes this point that capitalism started on plantations, and it’s really stuck with me. I think even I bought into the whole grind culture and trying to work all the time and not having enough time to rest. I do rest, I’m pretty good at not constantly working. But I do have capitalism-related guilt about resting. I will lie down and start thinking about all the things I have to do. She talks about a lot of other things that are part of resting though, and includes playing a musical instrument in the category of rest. Which is good because that’s my current hobby. But also yeah working on learning guitar is restful. It’s such a different way of using my brain and body.

I am taking lessons in guitar this fall, so I’m excited about that too. They gave me a questionnaire to complete and one of the things it asked me was my goals. And to be honest my goals are very modest. I would like to be able to play some songs. Specifically Wish You Were Here, and Help I’m Alive. But I am aware I will be learning other songs along the way. But yeah, it’s not like I’m planning to join a band. Maybe write songs for my videos, that could be a thing. But not really much else. I feel like I put all my ambition into my film and game and teaching career, and not so much into this area of my life. Even my game career doesn’t have as high ambitions as my film career though. Like that’s the one area of my life where I’m like “I want to win an Oscar” which is kind of a long shot considering how marginal my characters are and how little the Academy values that. Ahh I shouldn’t shit talk the Academy. I do know people in the Academy now, since they started expanding it to get more BIPOC in it.

I’m feeling discouraged about trying to get my feature film made. I feel like I really enjoy making experimental films, and they are cheaper to make than narrative/dramatic films, and I am generally speaking a poor person, so I haven’t made a lot of dramatic shorts. But since I make so many experimental films, I’m not really taken seriously as a potential feature filmmaker. Which is depressing. Some stories just lend themselves to experimental filmmaking better than dramatic filmmaking. I don’t know, it’s depressing. I wanted to make a sitcom some day too, but I’m just feeling right now that my dreams are unsupported. And it’s not that I haven’t directed dramatic films, just not enough I guess, or not the right kind. But how many is enough before they will let me make my first feature?

Anyway blahhh there’s my public moment of despair for you all to see.

I did an edible this weekend and it made me super paranoid and I wanted to come down as soon as I was high basically. But I started mulling on the Digital Footprint and what that means for people, and most of all, what it means for me who has left smears of myself on almost every social media website. I think it’s kind of messy, this blog itself is a whole big package of my thoughts over the last 20 years, and with the benefit of time, some of the things I thought when I was like, 26, I don’t think of the same way now that I’m 46. So I guess I hope if anyone digs up some old post where I said something cringey, they can see it as a process that I’ve since moved on from. Except for some things I admit I still believe in. But yeah. I kind of envy my friends who always had to have a difficult to find social media presence because of their job or something, like all my teacher friends who are anonymous enough that they aren’t easy to google. Meanwhile my students can just open this blog and read all my stuff.

I think I am recovered enough that I can go to the gym today. I haven’t been since way before I got COVID. And I miss it! And it’s been days since I started testing negative again so I think I am ok for people to be around. Anyway maybe I’ll go walk my dogs first before doing that, they are bored and inside for too long.