I had a busy day. Therapy, then practiced my guitar, then my guitar lesson, then went back home to feed pups, then back out to the hospital for an MRI. The MRI department is open 24 hours, which made me wonder who they scan in the early morning hours of 1 or 2 or 3am. That would be brutal. Mine was 8:15pm but I got there super early so they got me in and out of there by 8.
I’ve been having anxiety about the MRI because I never had one before. It’s a weird experience. Lay on a table, they give you something to hold to squeeze if you have issues, put a pad of some sort on you to measure breathing, ear plugs and headphones, and then the table goes into this narrow tube. And then they tell you when to breathe and when to hold your breath. And it’s making all these noises like a Star Wars battle or an angry rhythmic raccoon banging on a garbage can with a stick. At one point I was worried I would hyperventilate because like, when you open your eyes the top of the tube is RIGHT THERE very close and in front of you. Anyway, she got the imaging she needed.
So I was finally released from the tube, full of contrast dye. Came home and ordered Chinese food and smoked a J. And now I am just, resting I guess. It was a lot! But I should know what is up with my liver soon. I don’t know how long it will take for my doctor to let me know what’s up. It could be cancer but it could be a lot of other things too.
I hope it’s not cancer. It kind of sparked a whole midlife crisis thing, which I was hoping I would deal with by learning to play the guitar. Turns out existential questions about what happens if my lifespan is shorter is also part of my midlife crisis. It wouldn’t be a midlife crisis if it was true though, it would just be an approaching end of life crisis. Ahhh.
BUT I’ve been thinking more about cutting back on weed, and going back to the gym. I just haven’t had time. And the moments I did have time, I was hooking up with guys and yeah that’s been taking too much time. I need to cut back on hookups because I’m just too busy. How depressing!
Although I’m having my revision over the Christmas holidays, so I probably won’t want to hook up with anyone at that point. I just don’t feel like sex when I have stitches. No. No no no.
I carved a pumpkin this year! It came out better than other years because I used a smaller knife. So this little pumpkin is out there. I should go blow it out actually. I wonder if it’s still burning? It’s been a windy night.
My video game is starting to do things it needs to do. I have been getting the skeleton rig working, and now I am animating it for when it’s standing, and walking, and running. I need to figure out how to do jumping and fighting. I was going to have it grab weapons, but it’s hands aren’t really made for grabbing, they just stick out straight the whole time. So I dunno, even if it held weapons with straight hands, that would be cool. I was even thinking of just programming it to be animated for punching. I think that would be really cute.
I’m also starting to think about audio. I am not sure what a full skeleton would sound like walking. I imagine like a bunch of sticks, or wooden wind chimes. But maybe a bag of bones sounds different. I want to record the audio myself, because I am tired of downloading audio and getting alerts that it’s been copyrighted by someone at some point. So I need to record the sounds of a skeleton moving around. Maybe a bunch of sticks tied to strings? I don’t know. Rattling?
I am in a creative state right now, my therapist was remarking on it. I tend to be really happy when I am being creative.
I was also talking in therapy today about being worried about a Conservative government taking away my Gender affirming health care. I was talking about how much it changed for me internally and she said it would be like taking away a psych drug, to lose my testosterone.
It’s just that estrogen made me attach to people I shouldn’t have been attaching to. I think testosterone helped me live my life the way I wanted more. Like I always DID want to be a slut, I just couldn’t do it on an estrogen dominant system. Oh and I cried all the time. And had very little energy. Like it really would decrease my quality of life so much to lose access to testosterone.
Since the doctor and nurse found my ideal testosterone dose (70mg once a week) they gave me 11 refills of that dose. So at least I have a lot of it, I think I only use three refills a year, maybe four. Not a lot though, so I hope it lasts for a while in case something happens.
I hate that I have to think about this. I would be so depressed and suicidal if I was forced off my hormones. But Alberta is doing transphobic shit and Saskatchewan is doing transphobic shit and they are all suspending the charter of rights and freedoms to oppress trans people. And they always start with youth and they always move on to adults. And it’s just bullying. And Ontario has a Conservative government, but they haven’t tried transphobia and I hope they don’t. They might. BUT ALSO the federal Conservatives are getting support and these dumbass parties like the NDP and Bloc Quebecois are threatening to bring down the government which for sure would mean the Conservatives come to power. And I don’t appreciate it, I used to vote NDP all the time but I actually might vote Liberal if it would keep the Conservatives out of power.