Social media break still going well. I haven’t gone on. I am only staying off Facebook, Instagram, and Bluesky, because they were the sites/apps that were giving me the most anxiety. It’s been nice not having my emotions toyed with as much as they were on those sites. I’m still informed mostly about things going on. But it’s not so much targeted transphobic material coming my way, so it’s easier to be alive. I still get upset about things going on in the world. But I feel like I don’t end up stewing in my outrage and feelings of not being able to change things. Also! The feeling of helping change things by reposting something has gone away. I can’t change things by reposting things anyway. Or it’s not as effective of a way to change things, in my mind.

I got a lot of work done this week. I finished that script I kept talking about. It needs a lot of work, it is like, amateur hour with that script right now ha ha no kidding. It has some interesting plot points but I can tell right now there’s so much room for exploration that still needs to be done. But! It’s at least a decent draft. Which is more than I had last week. So that’s encouraging. And I can figure out where to go from here with it, it has some room to grow anyway. I probably won’t be taking it to producers in this form right now. It would be nice to shoot it with stop motion like they did in the 7th Voyage of Sinbad. I think it could look nice. There’s one really fucked up scene ha ha omg. I don’t know what producers will think of that part.

Otherwise things are pretty quiet around here. Just working and hookups mostly. Not many hookups. Not as much as before, I just find working more interesting right now. I’m getting projects done so that feels good.

I have discovered this interesting thing that I guess I would call “online performance” where I just feel like now that most of my life is offline, I’m losing the feelings of being judged, and needing to perform whatever type lifestyles to satisfy people. Like, honestly poor, but not too poor, that kind of shit. Or like, not talking about substances and if I am or am not doing them. I feel like sobriety was sort of this thing I was proud of and brought up a lot. But now not being sober doesn’t feel particularly remarkable. It’s not impacting my life the way it did when I was heavily using in my 20’s/early 30’s. I did wonder how many of my changes would stay with me. I haven’t played guitar as much but I do think about it a lot. I play keyboard more and am getting better at bass clef notes. I haven’t done much singing. A ton of writing though, script, notes, a short story. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things and how nice it is to not be constantly seen. I will hopefully post less in the future, if at all. I am still staying off social media until Oct 5th. I think I need to just experience this offline life for a while more. And then decide if I want to go back or not.

I might not go back. If I go back it would be way more sparingly. I guess we’ll see. Physically I feel a lot better. I am not getting that anxious feeling I was getting before which is a huge improvement. I know social media sucks for mental health, so honestly if it makes this much of a difference I should pay attention to it. My last therapy session I was like, so calm talking about stuff. And I know before that the previous two sessions was a lot of me venting and being angry about stuff. Probably because I was being provoked by the fucking Facebook/Instagram algorithms! What a dumb world ha ha. But now I just feel so chill again.

And I am a naturally chill kind of person. Like, I’m not generally causing trouble or stuff. So being so angry so much. Fuck. Facebook is so ridiculous. It’s like basically having all these flash cards in your face about all the things that make you angry. Who would want to keep looking at a site like that? The Get Angry site. And there are things in there I care about, but with all of it being fucked around with with AI and bots and shit just trying to make people angry…fuck. I just do not need to sign into the Propaganda Machine every day. Maybe once a week I will be like “Ok it’s time to see what new propaganda (and my friends) are posting.” Its so unnecessary. I don’t have to look at that stuff.

Ok I will miss the absolutely faggoty clothes and sculptures Facebook was advertising to me though. Like the blow job water fountain sculpture, and all those tight shorts. Ha ha ha. But yeah. I will be ok with it in smaller amounts.

I am having fun working on my projects though. Next week I’m going to fire up Premiere Pro and work on my documentary. I think it will be fun. I mean, not really the content though. But important. I like editing, it’s a nice process, especially with a documentary because you can see what you are missing and where things connect.

I was going to leave working on my novel until mid October. But I might read it again and think on it more. It’s such a little skeleton of a novel. Like all the plot points are there, but they are so lean and rushed right now. I wrote a short story that I’m starting to submit places, so I think I am starting to figure out how to write like a novelist and not a screenwriter. I’ve just been in screenwriter mode for so long. Or blogwriter mode which is just me barfing up some thoughts.

A few times I have thought of something and been like “That’s important I should put it on the internet.” And then I remember I’m staying off social media. Like, today I wanted to post about how Madonna needs to stop publicly flirting with younger artists because it’s creepy. But then I was like oh but I’m not posting that online anyway because I’m not going on Facebook. Omg but yeah, the idea of having this little shiny idea and then being like “I guess no one has to know this,” is so weird. Although I do admit I put that one thought in this post. But I have even more thoughts that I just don’t feel like sharing. No random micro posts. Just this very intentional blog.

It’s weird as fuck not posting on social media. It made me realize how frequently I posted. I am still being productive. I was wondering if not posting on social media would make me less inclined to keep up with life. Like, no validation means no need to do my stuff. But no, I am still working on projects and work stuff and doing my laundry and later today I think I’m going to take some edibles and clean my home. I’m writing my script, doing creative work. Even more productive because I’m not doomscrolling. It’s really nice.

I am not posting on Instagram either because there’s also stressful bullshit there too. So I’m not posting the pics I am taking. It’s different just taking pics for me. I’ve been taking photos of my face recently, closeups anyway. I am noticing more and more terminal beard hairs, and the peach fuzz I have is darkening. Not totally uniformly, some are more advanced than others. But I was not sure I would get a beard. I had a dream I had a big blonde beard once, before I transitioned. Which makes sense because the hair is blonde before it darkens. But I am getting dark brown hairs. It’s amazing. It’s been coming so slow. I was worried I would just never get a beard and it’s one of the things that makes me feel anxiety in men’s spaces, not having a beard. There’s other men who don’t have beards, but generally there’s just so many men with facial hair and I think they look so sexy and I really didn’t want to always be on the outside of that. My Dad DOES have a beard, so it’s logical that I will get one. But I wasn’t sure. My maternal Cree Grandpa had barely any facial hair. But my maternal Grandma was Scottish and Scottish men have giant beards. Or they can I mean.

So the photos I’ve been taking have been these awkward closeups of my beard coming in. My Dad did warn me that it took him a while before he could grow a full beard. And yeah, I’m at least four years into testosterone, and some guys have facial hair so early on. Not me, it’s slow poke time here. But it’s coming! I’ve no idea what it will look like when I have my beard. I can see how my Dad’s facial hair is patterned and I think it would look nice on me. But it’s going to be a while before I see myself fully formed.

I was listening to my old voice a while ago and it’s weird, I really don’t identify with that voice at all anymore. My current voice is so much deeper and richer and I guess I have finally settled into knowing that’s what I sound like.

I’m not thinking too heavily on it, but I am wondering if my relationship to social media will change in October when I let myself go back on it. IF I go back on it. Breaking the habit seemed so extreme before, but I actually don’t miss it a lot. Not as much as I thought I would. I do know I’m out of the loop now. I don’t know who’s died recently, who had a birthday, what events are coming up, any current outrage. I still go on Reddit. And Youtube. But those are really the only places I am plugged in now.

I haven’t seen my therapist since I got off social media, since it hasn’t even been a week yet. But I’m curious how she’s going to respond. Especially considering me complaining about social media driven anxiety and stress has come up so much in our sessions. I told her about my decision to get off of Twitter shortly after Musk bought it because I realized it was propaganda and not a reflection of reality. But Facebook is just as much propaganda. I was telling her more recently how I was noticing all the Russian propaganda. Like, there was a post about Francesca Albanese that was pro-Palestinian, but I spotted ONE Russian word in the middle of the post. Like in Cyrillics and everything. And I put it in Google translate and it was contextually part of the English sentence it was in. But yeah, definitely Russian. And then another post I saw that was about Israel and it was from a page with a full on Russian name. So what the hell? I know Russia is putting out propaganda, but I guess I am just getting better at spotting it. I was also realizing how there’s so much stuff in my feed about Israel and Palestine, but except for what Ukrainian friends post, absolutely nothing about Ukraine and Russia. I don’t get the Alberta separatist stuff in my feed much, but I know Russia is pushing a lot of that too. The fact that Zuckerberg thinks it’s fine to take advertising money from Russian propagandists is pretty fucking evil. Trump is working for Russia too though, so honestly that whole country is being dismantled by Russia right now. It feels like a conspiracy theory bringing this stuff up, but also it’s just the most logical explanation.

Anyway! My point is, I would like to have a break from propaganda and just work out my feelings on current events on my own. Even being transgender has basically pushed me off social media because I’m tired of seeing my existence being brought up as a fun debate topic. It’s the same with being Indigenous, but yeah. These spaces aren’t built for people like me. And I would much rather read books to understand more about life.

Right now I am reading The Beekeeper of Aleppo by Christy Leferti. So that’s been a tough read, it’s very sad to read about war and displacement. But I would rather read a book than a slew of fucking Russian bot posts. Omg.

Anyway. That’s what is up right now. I have to do a little more work today. I have estimated myself at about four days away from being done this script, except that a big juicy plot point was introduced that I realize I need to work on more. But if I can finish in four days I can submit my final report and then get my next grant. So I’m writing as fast as I can.

I did a lot of work today already though. I might need a break before I get back to it. But yeah! I’m off social media since Friday and doing a lot better, feeling a lot happier already and it’s only been three days. I don’t check social media as soon as I get up anymore. It’s like breaking the spell. I’m excited to see how things develop over the next three weeks. I’ve decided to stay off until I see my doctor on the 5th so we can talk about how it went. But I did notice that anxious awful feeling is going away. It still comes now and then. But not as frequently.

I was disappointed seeing the neurologist. As soon as I mentioned my psych history, I felt like he dismissed me. He did notice I have balance issues but didn’t seem to give a shit about my memory issues. Anyway, I got blood work and I’m supposed to get a spinal MRI to see if he can see why I’m having trouble with balance. But balance is part of the hydrocephalus diagnosis which he isn’t giving me. Plus the urinary issues and memory. Anyway, I am seeing the neurosurgeon in the beginning of October, so I am hoping she can help me out more, or at least give me real information about why I don’t need a shunt if that is true.

I saw my family doctor today about this physical sensation I’ve been getting and I was having such a hard time explaining it to her. I said it felt like the beginning of a panic attack, like when your stomach drops, but it only lasts a second. But sometimes it happens over and over and that I notice it happening more frequently when I am on social media seeing all the transphobic fascist stuff. I mean, those social media sites are really banking on making people unregulated and upset. It’s not the friendly chat with buddies it used to be. I was getting Libs of TikTok stuff pushed into my feed and she’s an awful piece of shit. So anyway, the doctor is checking if there’s any heart stuff going on so I got bloodwork again and an ECG. She’s also ordered a halter monitor so we can try to see what the ECG is doing when I get these stomach drops. And she told me to detox from social media. I was like okay I’ll stay off it for a week. And she was like, no! Stay off it for at least two to three weeks and then we will check in again.

So I am off social media until the beginning of October. Which works for me anyway because I have work to do and not being distracted will help me power through it. I’m happy about that at least. And it is something I’ve noticed, that being off social media helps with not getting in this quasi panic attack state. I mean they are just propaganda machines. I know I’ve been spending too much time in those spaces and it’s wasted so many hours when I could be doing something more meaningful. Even just reading books. Even just watching a movie instead. Or playing music, or writing. Or editing. I have so many better things to do. So far my social media detox encompasses Facebook, Instagram, and Bluesky. I’m on Reddit but it doesn’t seem to be acting the same way, I am much more regulated reading the subreddits I follow there.

It’s annoying how much of our world view is being curated by tech bro billionaires. I don’t trust them enough to use their AI, why do I trust them to use their products at all? I still have Facebook messenger. I’m not deactivating my accounts, I’m just not going on.

SO yeah some up and down stuff. I’m not fully satisfied with my brain, I still think I have hydrocephalus and not just bipolar disorder. But I am glad my family doctor gave me some concrete steps to address my anxiety. She said it comes from seeing stuff that doesn’t align with my moral compass. So yeah, Facebook just got too fascist, despite the friends I follow, so I’m not there for now. But I’ll still be posting here.

I should really wait until tomorrow to write this post, but it’s been a while, I might write an update tomorrow though. My neurologist appointment was bumped up! To tomorrow! So I am grateful for that too, I’m hoping to find out more of a timeline for how my brain stuff will happen.

In the meantime I am continuing to learn music. I actually finally put a decent chunk of time into doing my keyboard skills challenge and then practicing some songs. I can do Sonatina a little better. I am getting better at Minuet in G but also doing bass clef reading is still sketch for me. But I was improving. And I can do We Are Never Ever Getting Back together way better. Singing along helps. I am clumsily improving at the Chase by Tori Amos, although I am only able to get the tiny part of the beginning in. But it’s better than before. I need to devote more time to keyboard than I have been. Playing guitar is still the activity that makes me the happiest, but I have two years in on guitar lessons and only a few months of keyboard still. I’m very emerging.

I’m busy with work besides that, so that’s been fun and educational. I am always learning when I am making or doing things. I forgot to get a form filled out for a festival but I finally entered it all so I hope that’s fine. My first video is playing in Vienna Austria on Sept 22nd at 7:30pm, you can find details here.

I’m also having my world premiere of POOR at Asinabka Festival in Ottawa Ontario on Sept 16th at 9:15pm you can find details here.

There’s another festival playing POOR this fall, I don’t remember when they release details though but I will post about it too!

So that’s all nice. I also have to finish a project so I can get my Canada Council money, so that’s in the pipeline but it’s a script so you won’t see it soon. Maybe after I make my big feature. Which might come after I make a new little feature. We’ll see. I am looking forward to getting some writing done over this next month though.

I’m busy with all kinds of things so that’s nice. My therapist was telling me I always seem to get money, I mean sometimes it’s barely anything though! It’s definitely not as steady as I would like. I’m not sure if I am applying for the Toronto Arts Council this fall. Although it might be nice to try and top up my Unsettled Climate grant, and for a smaller ask it might be easier to get, especially so close to being finished. But yeah who knows. I might also skip the media projects grant deadline this year. I normally wouldn’t apply for something so big in a smaller grant like this, but most of it is funded already so I dunno. Maybe that’s just being greedy ha ha. I did have some ideas for smaller projects, but neither of them are ready for working on yet. I want to make something about all these Pretendians, like a comedy, but it’s needing more work before I take it looking for money. And it would just be a short film. I think it’s a really comedic premise though, even just the idea of someone faking their identity is pretty clownish and hilarious. If only it wasn’t also so malevolent!

I wonder how much academic thought about Indigenous identity has been tainted by frauds? It’s really bizarre.

Anyway, keyboard class is soon. I think I will write again tomorrow to talk about the neurologist.

I’m happy to let my blog readers know that I got my grant for Unsettled Climate! Canada Council is funding me this year to finish editing it and get it out there for June 2027. I’m pretty happy, I was not sure I’d get it. And things have been discouraging for a while. But this is a decent chunk of money to do a couple last interviews and deep editing work. And getting some stock footage. I’m relieved. I am in bed, I need a nap.

I also went to the dentist today and got my cracked tooth fixed and my molar that had a chip is also fixed so I can drink hot coffee without feeling massive pain. I cracked my tooth in Regina so I was taking painkillers all the time (Tylenol) and now it’s fixed up and I don’t need Tylenol anymore. It’s amazing how miserable dental issues can make me, and how much my life improved after seeing the dentist.

So that’s two good things that happened today!

Tonight I am going to the CNE with my friend, so we will celebrate. And I will have NO candy apples, the dentist says I have to be careful because it could break again. So yeah.

I’m really tired and I woke up early for the dentist, so I should have my nap now so I’m alert enough to have fun at the CNE.

I’m hoping that I get an appointment with the Neurosurgeon soon so that I have a better idea of the timeline for when surgery will happen. I was reading that after shunts get placed, it takes about a month for symptoms etc to settle. So we’ll see. I just need some time and also to be able to finish some projects. I decided I am going to make a work plan so I can figure out how to get the various things I am doing done.

Yesterday I relaxed because it was the day after traveling. Today I want to at least write TWO pages of my script just to dip my toe back into a writing schedule. But my work is going to be super busy the next little while, so I’m going to have to chip away at it every day, including weekends. Not all day, I will still have time to see movies or whatever. But I never really felt hugely oppressed by doing creative work all the time, not when compared to my old demoralizing call centre jobs. So it will be fine.

Thank you Canada Council for the Arts for coming through!

I was away for a week acting in a film where I had to wear a big beard. It was made with real hair and omg eating while wearing it was some level of hell ha ha. I decided maybe my facial hair dysphoria is not so bad after all. I think if I had a beard I would trim it way down or shave it off completely. It was kind of nice to touch but also just bleh! Maybe if it was my own hair and not glued on with spirit gum I would have different feelings about it. I think I could do a moustache, but a full on goatee? Maybe not. Still it was a unique experience. There was only one day that sucked with it on and it’s because I got it on hours before I was needed in front of the camera. Otherwise while working it was cool.

I haven’t been on a film set in a long time where I wasn’t the boss, so it was actually pretty chill. I just had to remember lines and hit the marks etc. I hope it looks okay, we’ll see! I had to learn how to play squash and I only had one lesson. Still I managed to hit the ball three times in a row on film at least once, so hopefully that is helpful.

I also got to see my dad and stepmom which was nice. They’ve known each other forever so they were kind of bickering in the truck, it was very funny. I also got to eat TacoTime and Trifon’s Pizza. I guess there’s something called Saskatchewan Pizza which Trifon’s is a shining example of, and every time I’m in Regina I have to order from there. It’s loaded up with a ton of meat, it’s so good. Probably if I ate it all the time I would get gout though. BUT it was lovely. And we don’t have TacoTime in Toronto so it was nice to eat there too.

The wrap party was really cute and fun but I was the first to leave because I was exhausted and extremely drunk. I forgot to chug a non-alc drink before bed so when I woke up I was extremely hungover and that was no fun.

I didn’t smoke weed the whole time I was away. I basically haven’t smoked up since before then too, because I decided I wanted to protect my lungs and was getting a respiratory weird thing. So I thought it might be because of smoking and wanted to see if it went away. It’s this weird shortness of breath that lasts a second, it seems like the beginning of a panic attack but no racing heart and it goes away. But sometimes it will happen over and over. While I was on set it went away, so I thought maybe it was because of smoking up. But then I was in the Regina airport coming home and sitting next to a jungle gym with screaming children in it and reading social media and it started happening again. I was talking about it with my therapist today who thinks it might be anxiety.

It really does seem extremely tied to being on specific social media sites. I don’t get it when I’m looking at Reddit, so ironically that’s mostly what I have been reading lately. I follow subreddits that are mostly community and hobby focused, so it’s not really as much of an issue as being on facebook or instagram which have algorithms that are targeting me on my fears. I get a lot of really backhanded “pro” trans content but it’s like “this awful thing happened to a trans person and we know that’s bad.” Which is not good for my mental health and just puts me in a state of alarm. And some trans influencers also sort of bank on this anxiety inducing content. And I know shit is bad, but it’s obviously affecting me physically if I can’t even look at facebook anymore because it’s triggering anxiety.

So I used to be really engaged in social media but I’m trying to pivot and focus more on things like reading books, playing my guitar and keyboard and singing, watching videos, and doing my creative projects. Youtube videos were starting to give me more anxiety too because I was watching tarot and they always talk about terrible people and I’m starting to notice that’s not healthy for me either. My therapist was talking about how social media is really playing on my fears because angering content is what drives engagement. So yeah, no more engagement. I’m not deleting my profiles, but I am spending less time on there.

I’ve also realized since quitting smoking weed that I’m not missing it very much. I did like thc a lot, but I can have edibles when I want, and not having all that smoke around is letting me taste and smell things better again. So yeah. Even the drinking, while the wrap party was fun I think I’m going to go back to occasional drinking, because I really didn’t drink the rest of the week and didn’t miss it much either.

I didn’t get any classes for the fall, so I’m doing some other temporary work and working on my projects. I still haven’t heard about one grant. I did apply for another grant from somewhere else. The ongoing grant applications. I really just want basic income. I still haven’t touched my novel yet, I am waiting until September, possibly October, so it has a nice break from when I finished the first draft. But I want to get a second draft done this fall and send it to some friends to read at Christmas and probably take a break until after my winter term is done. Which might be how long it takes people to read it and get back to me with suggestions/notes/observations. I am also going to get back into editing my Unsettled Climate project. So that’s what is up. I also need to finish a script, which I am going to try and work on tomorrow.

But today, besides going to therapy, is a day off for me, so I am home with my dogs again and resting. Trying to stay off the anxiety inducing media. I gotta take the dogs out for a walk but right now we are all sacked out on the couch. I got a referral to a neurosurgeon, I think I wrote about that here, but I haven’t found out when my first appointment is yet. I really hope it’s this fall. But who knows.

I’ve been reading a lot of post-death articles/posts about Jason Arday’s harassment by the British mainstream media and all the people who decided they had something to say about it on social media. It is really disgusting how immense the campaign that led to his death was. Especially considering it was started by an openly racist white man, and yet the media never stopped to think about the larger white supremacist goal of this campaign against Jason. Or they did think about it and decided that was a worthy project to sign their names to and put in all their papers and shit. I know mainstream media, especially in Britain, is racist anyway. I sent in some complaints so hopefully that adds pressure to the media being accountable for this witch hunt.

It did also remind me a lot about when Jas Morgan posted slander and lies about me on social media, and then made a bunch of Tiktoks also (I’m not really involved in Tiktok, although I did laugh at a woman doing the “Knotty pine!” bit from AHS Coven this morning) slandering me and accusing me of all kinds of things I didn’t do. They also recruited many people in the 2 Spirit/Indigiqueer community to support these lies, including many well known Indigiqueer writers and artists. It was a whole nightmare and I know some people worried I would commit suicide over it. I didn’t, obviously, I’m still writing here today. But that doesn’t mean I emerged unscathed. I lost a lot of my community because I didn’t want to allow people who would support that kind of thing to have access to me. This included one long time ex lover who also supported the posts. I also was getting a lot of support, but it was quiet support. It was people sending me messages being so sympathetic. But people weren’t vocally and publicly supporting me. Only one person reposted my writing here about those allegations. I felt mainly alone in my fight. And I think despite getting so much silent support, because it was silent there wasn’t push back publicly by others on the narrative Jas Morgan was painting. And so I think people just assumed I was denying being abusive because anyone would deny being abusive, and that I wasn’t a valued member of the community anymore anyway. It felt that way. Being left alone to struggle and survive a slander campaign is very difficult.

It is very hard to fight slander alone. It is very devastating to see a community I spent almost my whole life in turn it’s back on me, despite the fact I literally gave us a name thousands of people use for their identity. I can imagine Jason Arday also felt like he was abandoned to the wolves. His case is even worse because it went into mainstream media, it fed people who wanted clicks, it sold papers, it invited everyone to dissect him and slam every aspect of his life publicly. And like me he was also disabled. And being neurodivergent and facing something like that is devastating.

I don’t know how I survived. In some ways maybe I didn’t. I did lose a lot of financial support since then. I have trouble getting grants. One person who doesn’t like me can give me low scores and tank my applications, even if the other people on the jury support me. I am sure there are still people in the 2S/Indigiqueer community who fully support Jas Morgan and all their slander campaigns against all the people they feel wronged or slighted by. My career is not where it should be anymore. I have amazing ideas but very little resources to complete them. I keep getting no’s on grant applications. I feel like if even some of the people who privately supported me in messages had actually spoken out publicly in support of me, maybe things wouldn’t have worked out the way they did. I felt like I fought it alone, despite people telling me (privately) that they supported me.

If you see someone being piled on, if you see someone (especially someone disabled or otherwise marginalized) being slandered, say something. And not something gossipy about why they are a bad person and deserve it. Say this shit isn’t okay. This shit is lethal. This shit gets people killed and destroyed. Especially in small communities like the 2S community or the art community. I was failed first by having a bad boss who decided to slander me, and then further failed by a community that only softly and quietly supported me. Support someone loudly. It does save lives.

I talked to the doctor who asked for my MRI and he was really downplaying it, I was thinking oh fuck does he think my life is normal because I can walk and talk? BUT! He referred me to the neurosurgeon. I looked her up and she has really good reviews, I read all of them and she’s in the top three neurosurgeons in Toronto. I have no idea when my first appointment will be. Hopefully sooner than March when I’m supposed to see the neurologist. Anyway it was some good news which I definitely needed because I kind of had a downward despair spiral yesterday.

It’s just very difficult emotionally to not get supported anymore in the creative industry I spent my whole life in training for. So that was most of the spiral. Also reading about how Lilly Wachowski can’t even get funded because her project is trans. She had to do a table read just to get the story out there.

That’s why I’m writing books. Although I did commit myself to some film projects that I have to finish somehow. But it does seem really dire. I was telling my therapist it feels like the conservatives won because no one is funding trans projects anymore. And she said no victory is final, like for either side, but also it might go back to being more open and accepting in the future.

It’s crazy because so much of this culture war is being waged by bots from foreign countries, influencing people and making them think the majority of real living breathing humans think one way, when really it’s the other way. And some people go along with whatever they think is popular, so the bots influence IS working on them. And Trump lost that election, I’m sorry but the voting machines were rigged, the majority of Americans don’t like him or his party at all. So going along with him just because he has power now will hopefully bite these cowardly media executives in the ass in the future.

Anyway I can’t fix that right now, I’m still struggling to find employment and money. I did think about doing sex work but I think I’m not interested in having sex with whoever. I like hookups, but that’s different. I don’t think I want my Grindr account to be some business thing I have to do. Terrible! I would rather have gay sex as a delightful thing, not yet another job. And I would only want to have sex with handsome men and then they’re too cute why would I ask them for money? Ha ha also I am hooking up with two people I really like right now, so I don’t have time to chase money on Grindr.

Anyway yeah, besides doing a lot of writing right now, I am also trying to figure out how to make a living in a world that doesn’t want my stories. So it’s hard. And definitely a reason to despair, but I have to see my life through in case it improves after I get my shunt. I’m wondering if I should go back to school to train in another career. It’s very frustrating right now. That’s all I keep writing in my diary “I am so frustrated.” I don’t know how to be less frustrated and more optimistic. But hopefully I can get my brain surgery sooner and figure out life after that.

I finished my last words of my novel last night with my friend Shaawan at a knitting/fibre arts hang out at a pizzaria. It was super fun. I finished at 50,022 words. Not a long novel, but it’s the bare bones stripped down version. I am putting it away until September so I can get some space from it and think about it further. I rushed through all the plot points, but I know there are parts of the novel I want to give more space to so that the emotional resonance of it can hit. Also yesterday I found an error based on the world it’s in and had to delete and revise a small section. It’s got a big long part in a psych ward, and I realized one of the objects in the ward wouldn’t exist within the rules. Anyway I fixed that. But having trouble thinking of what to substitute.

The funny thing is the one part that actually made me a sobbing mess was more about love between two men and realizing I hadn’t had that experience yet. It’s not that I don’t want it, I think I’ve just not been there yet. There is someone I am sweet on right now so maybe it will happen now. But yeah also just writing tenderness between men is a nice practice for me. Kind of like, if I write from that space maybe I can live it out in my life.

It’s weird too because I feel like the love between women thing is a door that is shut to me now since I transitioned and am not living as a woman anymore. I still get invites to women and trans things, but I’m more interested in being around men right now. BUT at the same time I think part of me still is attracted to women and feels romantic feelings towards them. Recently I had a dream about being in love with a woman.

I had a friend who was bisexual and she kept veering from only wanting boyfriends to only wanting girlfriends and she kept breaking up when her attraction would change. So I kind of hope that doesn’t happen with me. I just want to fall in love and stick around with someone (and have hookups maybe outside of that). But I don’t really see a woman agreeing to that type of relationship. A man might. I also kind of think I dated so many women in my life maybe I’m done with that for now.

Anyway I’m learning things about myself and my loving feelings through my writing which is cool.

I’m thinking of trying to write some short stories and getting them published here and there. I don’t know any particular stories I would write yet. I should look at who has calls for submissions. I am basically writing off and on all day every day though, literally. So incorporating short story writing into my regular creative day would fit.

I’m also getting back into scriptwriting. I still have to finish this feature about the trans potash miner, so I’m working on that. I need to go to a potash mine really though. I don’t know who to talk to about arranging a visit. I’m sort of writing in the dark right now, I watched some videos where people tour potash mines. And interviewed someone who worked in a mine. And have a story editor who has been in a potash mine. BUT YEAH ahhh it also isn’t a low budget film and I think that’s kind of where I need to lean right now, low budget stuff. I have an idea for a low budget script that I want to write, so I’m applying for development on that. We’ll see what happens.

I was hoping to go for a walk, but it’s storming outside. Booo! I like thunderstorms though. They always made me happy, my Grandma loved them too.

I’ve spent some time writing today, trying to open up new memories in my characters. I think I need some more memories though. I was using things I really do remember though. I haven’t thought a lot about my childhood, but now when I look back on it I see all these really boy-coded experiences I was excited about. Like learning to ride a bike, and learning to fish and gut a fish. I remember my Grandpa spent a lot of time teaching his grandchildren to fish. It was my boy cousins and I learning. He took me to the backyard and had me cast and reel in the line over and over with a lead weight on the end. And when he taught me how to gut the fish it was all bloody and gory, but delicious at the end obviously.

He never did go hunting so we never learned hunting. But I think maybe shooting something was too much for me. I did learn how to shoot at one point, with a rifle. But I haven’t done it since I was 12, so I’m not joining any hunts now that’s for sure. And I’m a sucker for cute animals so shooting one is probably not going to happen in my life.

I’ve got almost 2500 words left to write to get to 50,000 words in my novel. I’m trying to stretch some parts out. But all of it is down really. The whole arc of the book. I know there’s major flaws in it that need to get worked out, but once I finish tomorrow I’m putting it aside for at least until September. I’m so close to being done! It’s amazing!

I also have to write a script and a grant, so that’s what I am up to this week.

The dogs are fine. I went to the T Boy Beach Day at Hanlans yesterday, but my friends who were maybe going to come couldn’t come. So I was hanging out on my own mainly, it was okay though. I went in the water. Drank some drinks, smoked some weed, had some edibles. Then came home and made some sausages and corn on the cob and yellow zucchini with parmesan and garlic. So it was a good day. I was exhausted. I had some dates on Friday and Saturday which were fun. I’m starting to feel more open to romance than before, so I guess I am hesitantly putting myself out there. The date on Friday was super sweet because we got to know each other better outside of my home. I want more of that, I’m tired of the hookup life. I mean I probably still will have hookups. But I would like some steady partners.

I did some scriptwriting today too, not a TON. But enough that I feel I can follow through on it finally.

I’m really hesitant to write feature scripts again though. I’m just so tired of how long development takes. I have an idea for a low budget script which I might actually be allowed to make, so I’m focusing on a grant for that. Constant search for money.

I’ve been turned down for teaching gigs so I’m still not sure how I am surviving this Fall. I was looking at my income in WAVE and it’s pretty piss poor. I know the teaching earlier this year helped a lot. But now I don’t know. I guess I’ll continue looking for work.

I finally filled out my beneficiaries for my life insurance. So once that is in the mail I will feel a lot less concerned over it. I still don’t have a will. I need to do that so yeah, but I don’t have extra cash for a lawyer right now (and I have an artist estate so the will kits aren’t comprehensive enough). I need to do it so that my money doesn’t just go to Indian Affairs. I would be so annoyed if it did. Sometimes I think about willing my artist royalties to an organization, but knowing organizations as I do and how they can disappear, it’s something I’m reluctant to do.

I got the appointment reminder for my neurology appointment in the mail today. So yeah, that is nice to see and put on my fridge and remember in seven months or whatever. Seven months, that’s a Snow White dwarf every month! Ha ha sorry that’s the only thing I can think of that comes in sevens. Maybe seven brides for seven brothers? I am sure we watched that at some point. 7Up? Either way, I have to survive long enough to get my fluid siphoned out so my brain can operate in a better way again.

For a while I would get that feeling when I woke up like “Wow, I’m not bipolar I have a neurological condition.” But then as time went on, and nothing changed because nothing can (for seven more months!) I just felt like whatever. I’m still on my psych meds. I’m still living with Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus. It’s just hanging on.

I did recognize that my walking is not as even as it used to be. I think I’ll be fine for the next seven months, but I did stop wearing flip flops and now when I go out I’m always in sneakers because they give me more support when I’m walking. Aside from that not much has changed. I did read a book about this condition, but it was written for elderly people with advanced dementia so it repeats A LOT and just frustrated me about as much as when the psych ward sent me to Bipolar School where I sat there bored to tears listening to all the things I already knew about bipolar disorder.

Anyway, guess I should go read. I did my singing class tonight, I’m Still Standing and Wicked Game. I’m having trouble with Wicked Game because I’m not hitting the pitch right. I’m torn on if I should continue singing classes (which I can’t really afford right now) or if I should quit for a while. The thing is it’s been really helping me and I can tell I am doing better. But yeah, the money is an issue. I know where September rent is coming from but not how to pay bills etc. It’s lean times. I have to decide by the 15th if I am going to continue in September. I really like my teacher though. Ahhh. But also I don’t know what my singing goals are. I can do okay at karaoke now. But I’m not doing open mics.

I want to write songs too and at some point I’m going to have to take song writing classes. Maybe next year.

This month I think it’s two years of guitar? Is it? Three? No probably two, because I started singing one year in.