Dreams of Sunlight Through Trees by Theo Jean Cuthand 2024

Hi! I decided to make Dreams of Sunlight Through Trees public as it’s been over the two year window for getting into festivals. It never really did well in festivals, I think because of how much anti trans advocacy was being done over the last two years, and the cowardice of most people in the arts.

I actually talked about this today in therapy. Over the last two years of the Trump administration, my income disappeared and there were months even in the last year when I didn’t make any money at all. I also lost weight for a while when I wasn’t getting grants and it only improved when I started doing adjunct teaching this past winter. I did get little dribs and drabs of gigs and money. But at one point in my life I was a valuable artist, and then the world shifted right and I had no value anymore. And I knew it and I saw it and I suffered hunger because of it. So pardon me if I am not overjoyed that the American voters finally shifted slightly left. And also Canada had followed suit. They did not protect trans and queer artists, we had just as rough a time up here. I’m so tired of it honestly, depending on others for my survival.

But also what was upsetting was how many rejections I got from American festivals for the above video. Rejection after rejection. And it could have done some good, it could have made people recognize how freedoms were being stripped from transgender people through the complicity of the media. It could have underlined that transition is a positive, joyful, and necessary experience for some trans people. It could have made a difference and it wasn’t allowed to. Which is why I am finally releasing it today. It’s not going to make any more money than it already did.

People in the arts are cowards. People needed to take risks and stand up for marginalized people and they didn’t. They stood by passively and were like oh no we can’t make a fuss or we’ll lose our funding. Way to go. You enabled the last two years of terrorizing transgender people by not standing by us and our art.

Anyway. Not much about that can be done now. I hope you enjoy this video as much as I enjoyed transitioning and making it.

My social media break kind of broke down because I was so curious to see what everyone was writing online about the election results in the States. I have this sense that hope is important on a revolutionary level because people don’t push for meaningful change when they don’t think there is hope. So in that regard I found it very hopeful. I never imagined Texas would go blue before, so that was new. And I’ve been to Austin before and I know there are progressive people there, so I’m happy for them and their wins. In other regards there were anti-trans laws that got voted in, in democratic states, so that’s disappointing. It’s a mixed bag. But overall I do think more people are against what the Trump administration is doing, so that’s where I find some hope. I have even decided I might go to the United States again next year when Democrats have the house and senate. I just think it might be a touch safer then. So if you have work for me in America next year let me know I might actually be able to come. I haven’t been there basically since Trump took power again. It’s been disappointing, but also I don’t think many places wanted to work with a trans person from Canada anyway. Despite all my expertise lol.

I’ve just finished getting a job application together and submitted it. So that’s good, I’m ready for a change. I also have to get my syllabus together for next year, changing some dates on things and trying out some mini assignments. I’ve decided to challenge them to do specific techniques in their work, just so they can experiment a bit. I think last year they were experimenting pretty well, but a lot of students shy away from using the professional video editing software. So if I can get them to try something new that would be great.

I’ve also been working on my documentary. I was going to work on editing down one of the interviews today. I’m trying to edit together interviews on their own and then try to put them together closer to the end of the process, in a way that makes sense. It’s hard, I interviewed a lot of people and I know I’m only going to be able to get the best parts of their interviews. But deciding what stays and what goes is difficult, especially when everything they are talking about it ultimately important. But I know it will be a better doc if I make the edits more reasonable to what someone can actually sit and watch and pay attention to.

I’m going to be interviewing a trans storm chaser this month which I am excited about, I’ve watched a lot of her videos and they’re really intense. There’s one of this tornado in Texas and she’s close enough to it that you can see this huge swirling cloud of reddish dust on the ground, it’s very primal. I also find it interesting that the climate change disasters I’ve talked about in this film are mainly fires, hurricanes, and tornadoes. But heat in and of itself is really debilitating to a community. I don’t know that I have engaged with that as much. Mostly it’s been the unpredictable weather, but heat can also cause mass death. Even with air conditioning, all it takes is a black out during an extended heat wave and you’re fucked. And it’s probably going to be the most common issue that we see. Especially in places like India and Australia where it’s going to get really hot. But even Toronto gets unbearably hot in the summers. Since I got my air conditioner, summers got more bearable. But before I honestly did have some times where I thought me and/or my dogs would die from the heat. They have cooling centres open sometimes, but my dogs are reactive so I wouldn’t have been able to bring them with me. I remember before I got an air conditioner, my way of being able to sleep was to soak a towel in water and then sleep under it all night, so it would cool me down. It works, in case you ever need to sleep through a hot night. It’s not the most comfortable though. But it works similar to how sweat cools you down.

But also the storm chaser and I talked recently and I mentioned the big storm we got in Toronto and she had gotten footage of a tornado tied to that storm system, which is amazing. A lot of my participants have been in the States, but there’s all kinds of weather that crosses the border, and smoke, etc. Borders aren’t going to keep climate change out. I think that’s one thing I have realized, it’s going to take a global effort, and as long as we have tech bro billionaires running things, nothing is going to change. They just want to squeeze as many dollars out in the short term as possible. And even knowing they will lose a lot of money if they let things keep getting worse isn’t enough to stop them. Capitalism and climate change are very tied together. And that sort of short sighted view of the future is not helping.

Anyway what else? I’m beading an elephant seal, so that’s been fun. I am going away to Victoria this week to do a performance. So yeah busy bee! I am hoping to finish beading the seal tomorrow. Or maybe tonight if I get back to it after my singing lesson. We are working on Blue Moon by Beck, but I think also my instructor wants us to try some older ones I did, because my skills have improved. So yeah it’s cool. I am doing another singing recital in the winter. We’ll see how I do, none of my friends ever come to my recitals, I think they’re just trying to stay away so they don’t have to be polite and say something nice about my singing if they hate it. Whatever! Ha ha aw real bummer.

I’m making a lot of things but still dreading when poverty visits me again. I try not to think about how many barriers I have, but I have a lot, despite my training and upbringing and so on. I’m still just an Indigenous person, with all the negative expectations white Canadians put on Indigenous people. And being trans doesn’t really help either, or being bisexual. I found out recently that the Canada Council does know LGBTQ2S+ people are being underfunded. So I am not making shit up, despite what my cis het colleagues in the arts will claim. I remember when I was with my Grandpa as an adult I would notice how people treated him, he was this highly educated elder who had a lot of traditional knowledge and was well respected by those who knew him. But in the streets and the stores he was just another Indian, and I could see how these people would devalue him based on his skin and Cree accent. He was also disabled because he was hearing impaired, and white nurses in hospitals were always hostile to him, despite him wearing hearing aids, they would snap at him for not being able to hear them. They were really mean to him and it broke my heart. And while I have lighter skin, I am also just another Indian in Canada, being devalued everyday. It’s depressing and I try not to be depressed about it, but I know I’m only ever going to go so far. As far as I am permitted, which is not very far at all.

I’ve been busy! I have a little time right now though and I just finished beading the goose. OMFG those fucking legs nearly killed me, I was so stressed and worried if I pulled too hard the little feet would rip right off. And that beak needs a little glue to be right. BUT overall I am happy with these little beadings. I need to do more, they are little sprites for a video game. So there’s supposed to be a few of them. The good thing is they just need to be photographed and then they don’t have to do anything anymore. I was thinking of sewing them to a backing though and maybe having a piece of art that’s just the sprites.

They look really cool in the game too, like they at first come across as little pixelated sprites, but it’s beads! Surprise! It’s also very meditative to be beading something. I like the attention to something so small and time consuming. It kind of calms me down to be beading and I used to think I wouldn’t like it. I thought no, that’s too much tiny stitch work, I don’t have the patience! I’m too ADHD! But ADHD also involves hyper focusing, so the beading is like a nice hyper focusing session. Similar to my video editing which can be hyper focused too. I had to delay starting my beading until I could get the right colours from the bead store and they took a long time to get my order to me. So yeah it took a bit to begin but now they are going at a pretty good clip. I was working on the goose yesterday and today and now it’s done. If I think about all the other characters I have to do, I might get stressed and overwhelmed. But they are really easy to do and it’s satisfying to see them start gathering.

Besides beading, I also took another break from social media. I was realizing I was spending too much time on Facebook and Instagram. And it wasn’t stressing me out as much as it was before I left the last time. But it was still bothering me, and I was thinking about how nice it was to be off social media and reserve my thoughts for my diary and here (and conversations in real life). And the feeling of not being judged, or being worried about saying the wrong thing and watching all my “friends” pile on me. Plus sometimes I do edibles, or have a drink, and I don’t know, my judgement is not as solid at those times so it’s easier to say something kind of risky that gets taken the wrong way. So not having that going on is nice too. And then also the feeling of relief at not “performing” online is nice.

I read my Lenormand cards about getting off social media again and they described it as the end of a huge burden. And I do feel that. Like, my last break was not very long ago. But taking another one now is just, nice. Besides all the things I just described, it’s also nice not being targeted by Russian propaganda, which is ALL OVER Facebook. I notice a lot of it is about Gaza (and I knew it was Russian because the odd Russian word would be in the posts) which is definitely an issue, but it seems more like “Look at THIS terrible thing that is happening, don’t look at Ukraine.” Because there is very little on Ukraine on Facebook except for my Ukrainian friends talking about it. So it does feel like the propaganda machine. Anyway, I do think what is happening to Gaza is awful, but I also notice what isn’t being spoken of. Besides, Russian propaganda also targets trans and LGBTQ people and I was sick of transphobic and homophobic stuff getting pushed in my feed. I know they seem to think they are keeping people online by making them angry.

But I don’t want to go on the site that makes me angry in my spare time.

ALSO though, it was a time suck. A BIG time suck. I could spend hours a day on social media. And besides all the sucky things it brings, it’s also taking time away from when I could be doing the things that make me happy, like writing, making art, making music. I would rather do all of those things than scroll Facebook.

ALSO I probably talk about my hookups on social media too much (no names) and so probably just not being on talking about my personal life is better.

So yeah here I am!

Life is going well besides all of that. I had a nice Halloween, except the only nice part was friends, the other part was trying to walk down Church Street and it was just VERY packed and pushy and the majority of people came without costumes, so it wasn’t even very interesting either. Straight people will do that, make something fun incredibly boring. I probably won’t go next year. I made it home without peeing my leather pants, so I think in the end it was an ok night.

I had enough money to hire my monthly cleaner again, so the house is in far better shape. It was getting sad and probably a fire hazard too. I really need to Marie Kondo this house because I just keep way too much stuff. Like, I have so many books I have no interest in reading again. There are some I will re-read, like I re-read Slaughterhouse Five again recently and liked it just as much as every other time I read it. I was paying attention this time to length though, and its just around 200 pages. Which is the same length as my first draft of my novel. That made me feel better because it’s a very epic but dense book that goes through things at a fast clip. But yeah, like that tawdry lesbian teen novel from the 80s? I don’t need that! I’m not interested in reading it again. And the paper, I have so much paper.

But yeah. I also need to put my camera bags together again because I want to be able to grab them and go if I want to shoot something.

I think I am disappointing my keyboard teacher. And singing teacher, and guitar teacher. Because I have not been practicing like I should be. It’s too bad, I really do need to at least put in 15 minutes a day on each. Sometimes I get my singing in by singing along with my Youtube music. But yeah I have not been singing much. The other day I had an urge to start a band, but again I felt unprepared to play with others. I know it’s a mental block I should talk about in therapy. I want to make music. But some aspects of being a musician I’m not sure I’m interested in. Like touring, I don’t really want to tour. I could do open mics in the future maybe. But not taking my gear with me everywhere. I was so stressed even just bringing my new guitar on the plane the last time. How could I CONSTANTLY do that? Yikes.

I’m starting to notice I have some star power in certain arty circles and it is very awkward for me. Often people come up to talk to me and I don’t know who they are or don’t remember them. Or I notice eyes following me. It’s not a bad thing so far, like I haven’t had fans stalk me or anything. But it still makes me feel set apart from others and I guess that’s an unusual thing for me. I know my friends treat me like an ordinary person though and I appreciate that. BUT this ties into the music thing because if I did start making music in public, I might be a different kind of star and that is a whole other feeling I’m not sure I will be comfortable with either. Yikes.

I’m not really seriously dating anyone right now, but I have a handful of pretty consistent lovers. Which has been nice. I sometimes wonder though what it would be like to live with someone again, or have someone around more anyway. Like doing nonsexual things, like having dinner together and stuff like that. I don’t know. My therapist is starting to suggest I might be a gay man and not a bisexual man, since I’ve had very little interest in women for a while. And I think she might be right, but I guess I’m not ready to jettison the bisexual label in case I do meet a woman I feel a connection with. I don’t want to be one of those annoying I don’t need a label people though. I mean, Queer also fits fine. But being trans has changed the position of my sexuality so much. So I’m trying to figure that out. I like calling myself a fag, I guess calling myself a gay man makes me think of homonormativity and maybe that’s what I’m pushing back against by hanging on to bisexual or Queer.

Well what is new? I got super busy with work. I’ve been doing multiple things over the last couple of weeks and my schedule has been packed. Some fun stuff! Not all work. Like socializing and that sort of thing. But I haven’t had a lot of free time to do whatever I want which is usually when I blog.

Everybody has a substack now. I don’t need yet another place to write, but I guess they know how to monetize that, but I have no monetized this blog at all. I was looking into google ads a long time ago, but it creeped me out so I decided not to. I didn’t want to allow anyone to advertise here, like what if some Conversion camp bought ads on Google and it was getting pushed onto my page? Ugh. Yeah, I didn’t want to look like I was endorsing any particular commercial thing here. So it’s been just casting words into the void.

BUT This blog has existed since 2004, so it’s as old as Facebook. Which is kind of crazy ha ha I did not make my fortune with this blog. Probably said too much too, especially depending on sanity at the time of posting, which varies throughout.

Anyway. I am wrapping up some work stuff this week, so I am going to do some other things for a while, mostly working on my documentary and my video game. I have to get my documentary into shape, plus I am trying to challenge myself to think of how I want to handle doing experimental b roll. It’s difficult. I’m sure it will work out, I am editing other things as I go. And the stock footage I did get managed to punctuate some of the stories better, so that’s nice. I’m also reading a book to do some research on what I want to do with the next draft of this book I am writing. I also have to redo my syllabus for my class next semester, so I will be working on that. I am also applying for a job, so that’s been a lot of work because I’m trying to do my best application of all time. OMG. SO MANY THINGS!

I haven’t been able to practice my guitar as much because of work. But also on Sunday I cut my finger while trying to get Todd into his harness and it’s right in the crease of my left index finger. So like, the finger I need ha ha. My poor fingie! Nooo. So I have it bandaged because I don’t want it to crack open every time I open or close my finger too much, and I haven’t even bothered trying to practice guitar since. But! It’s healing pretty quick, so hopefully this won’t be an ongoing issue.

I’ve been getting all kinds of fears of my finger getting amputated and then what would I do with my guitar!? There’s some guitar player with only two fingers or something who guitarists always mention when someone gets worried about physical limitations keeping them from playing. But I just think guitar playing is hard enough already, I don’t want to make it more hard by missing a finger suddenly. The cut on my finger looks fine though I’m fairly sure it’s not infected.

The cut looks really ragged though, like, it is not a straight cut! I wrapped it with a bandage pretty early this morning but like, it looks sad! Wounded.

Healing though.

I’ve been adjusting to learning I don’t have to worry about my brain any more than I did before this potential/not really NPH thing. Like I always worry about bipolar and staying as level as possible (because going up or down too much sucks). But briefly it was like omg I need surgery in my BRAIN and now that’s not a thing happening at all. It’s nice seeing my lifespan stretch onwards for a while at least. Although omg! I saw an ad on some social media today that said “Seniors born between 1946 and 1976 could qualify for this benefit!” And I’m born in 78 so I’m like wtf I’m two years away from being a senior??? A year and a half! OMG. I think that’s too young for a senior. Ha ha there’s a store that sells Young Elder hats, I should get one of those.

So this morning super early I went to the hospital and waited to see the neurosurgeon. And I was told it would be 2 to 4 hours for her to see me, but I only waited an hour and then she showed up. And she asked me a bunch of questions about symptoms and what appeared when and I went through all the things I could think of. And then she had me walk to the door and back. And she asked what my meds were and substance use. And she basically said my brain is atrophied but it’s probably because of the bipolar and adhd stuff. And that my walking is fine. Which is basically what the other doctor said. But she actually answered questions so I felt better about the second diagnosis. She said my lifespan should be normal (which in my family is 90 years old) and when I asked how to keep it from getting smaller then she said to try to avoid substances, although she recognized I might have reasons for doing them. Like she wasn’t judgey. But basically just you know, a weird small bipolar/adhd brain on medication, nothing to worry about. She didn’t say weird, I said weird cause I think it’s kind of a funny word and how I feel about my brain anyway. Better weird than abnormal.

It’s strange because I was trying to be prepared for any possibility, including dying. And then she’s just telling me I’ll continue being disabled but generally fine. I have no problems with having bipolar and adhd. I’m old and I take meds that more or less work. So it’s not like, I’ve devastated by knowing I’ll continue having those disabilities. But suddenly not dying, that’s kind of amazing. I mean I could walk outside and get hit by a car tonight, you never know. But I don’t automatically have a death sentence so that’s nice. It’s a weird feeling. I was all like “You never know death could come at any time I have to live in the moment and never waste it!” And now I still kind of feel that way but also am less scared that it’s going to happen right now. But I do feel like you never know and you shouldn’t put off things that make you happy.

Tomorrow I am going to karaoke with my friends and I’m excited about it. I need to sing. I need to celebrate. And I guess I can’t celebrate with substances, or I can but in moderations. But also it’s just adding to these changes in my habits that I’m trying to work on to be healthier and live longer. I have stuff to do I need to somehow survive all of this!

Anyway. I interviewed someone from my Unsettled Climate doc for a second time and found out where they were now and how they are doing and it’s like, bam, that’s so many things I was hoping to hit on in this documentary. And I checked in with another person and where they are now and that is also going to be an interesting interview. I’ve also been collecting footage from stock footage sites and that’s been really helpful, because I’m not able to travel as much with this but there are notable events mentioned and also footage of those events that are not overly expensive to buy. I’m really excited about being able to finish this project this next year.

I was talking with my therapist about consciousness and this sort of existential journey I went through seeing my brain and trying to connect that with who I am like, at my core. And she said something about the brain not being the only place in our body we inhabit, like emotions have effects on hearts too and other organs. And then I was talking about how I don’t know how much of my consciousness is my body and how much comes from the spirit or soul that is driving it. Like, what if having a spirit means your consciousness is connected to something really vast? Then the brain is really such a small part of what makes you you.

I’ve been having really spiritual feelings recently. Not Jesus/Christian feelings. I mean like, feeling like I want to do things that protect my spirit. Like there’s a lot of queer men who do party and play (aka chemsex), and I don’t feel comfortable around those guys. I heard a story from a friend that her reserve has a big dark spirit that goes from house to house and the houses it goes to have people using meth inside. And it skips the houses where people smudge on a regular basis. And I believe that story because of what I’ve seen spiritually when I’ve been around drug use. There’s some stuff that gets attracted to specific things like that. I don’t know what it is. I suppose a Christian would say it’s demonic. I don’t really use those words. But I think some negative energies come around, or negative spirits. And I don’t know what people have to do to get it to go away, like if there’s specific rituals or something. I suppose smudging helps. But I don’t want to have people over doing meth and then smudge the house after, like ew, just don’t come over or around me with that stuff. I don’t like encouraging negative energy to hang around me. That would be the worst!

Anyway I think my feeling of my consciousness being connected to a larger spirit makes me want to try to be a more spiritual person. Not like, a puritan, or even a medicine person. Just taking care of my spirit so I can be connected more deeply to who I am.

I’m back on socials, but in a very limited way. I dip in and out. And I try to close the window more frequently on it, so I’m not getting any notifications and can focus on other things. I haven’t re-added Facebook or Bluesky to my phone, I did add Instagram and I always had Messenger. So I’m in touch but in a limited way. I don’t doom scroll Facebook like I did before, and the way I scroll on Reddit instead covers a bunch of random hobby and community subreddits so I don’t see the same terrible news story in 12 different views. I mean, I know what people think, but the way Meta algorithms work, they amplify the upsetting stuff. So I’m not getting that dynamic anymore. And it’s nice, I’ve included more things in my life that make me happy. My nervous system is doing so much better, I’m not getting adrenaline surges in my body every time I’m online. Now it’s more reasonable. I’m doing more generative things I guess, for me anyway. I do kind of miss interacting online.

I have been busy with work. I am doing some hardcore thinking right now because I am starting a new video game project. I have another one I think might be commercially successful, but I didn’t want to start a video game company just to access grants for it. So it’s kind of this little potential just floating around in my head. The other one needs a puzzle to trigger game play and I am trying to figure out what kind of puzzle to insert. I have some ideas for other parts of it though, I want to bead little beings/insects/animals and photograph and then incorporate them as sprites in the game. I think it will be fun. They are going to be very small so they shouldn’t take too long to bead, I just have to draw them in Procreate so I can have a stencil to go by. And then it might be a few weeks of beading while I use temporary images for the programming. It’s nice having projects.

I’m also working on my Unsettled Climate doc, so I have to be editing that and also I wanted to contact a couple more people. I think it’s going to be good, I have been looking at stock footage and found some really good stuff. There’s some that are directly related to storms or fires my interviewees were in, so those are helpful. I’m doing good with it. I need to duplicate the sequence and then continue editing though, because I have so much stuff that needs to be taken apart again. And I have to consult the transcripts and see what wasn’t included that I still want. Blah blah yeah you know. Editing mostly.

I’m doing good in my music stuff. Like I have said before, I still don’t know what I’m going to do with these skills. My recent lesson in guitar was studying End of the Line by the Traveling Wilburys because it shows the difference between a chord progression that is unresolved and one that is. I forget how he explained it. Kind of like if it ends on this one particular chord, you won’t be happy until they go back and end on this different chord. And I was playing it over and over and I think I understand now! We’re kind of getting into songwriting stuff because I’m fooling around with new songs. It’s been nice. My singing lessons are happening again and those are good too. And keyboard is great, I am learning a lot of music theory.

I’ve been applying for jobs, there’s one coming up that I think might fit me really well. So I’m trying to shine up my application. Today I did stuff in my academic CV. I realized at some point I completely removed my curatorial experience, so I put that back in. Just some screenings mostly. I think there’s a really important screening I did that I forgot to include though. The one that invented the word Indigiqueer (then written as Indigequeer) Included! I’m always surprised when I see something missing from my CV. Like “OH NO That was important put it back!” Lol and also I just realized I forgot to include the two screenings POOR was in.

Anyway yeah, adding and trimming and trying to demonstrate the immense totality of my skills and experience so I can live the life of a well fed professor. We’ll see how it goes.

Aside from that, I think some data centres are eating this blog. So expect AI generated writing to begin sentences with a lot of “Anyway…blah blah blah” because I honestly cannot stop myself from using anyway as a seague. I’m sorry it’s just like, a crayola crayon of transitional words that I seem to like. So yeah the future will be full of Anyway and em dashes I guess. I really hope no AI decides to make a simulacra of my psyche, I don’t think anyone needs that. I was asked to write for a prestigious place and believe me, the Anyways are not coming with me for that. I can write decently I just choose not to here. I barely even edit unless there’s a typo that sticks out at me.

It’s the end of the weekend! Surprisingly I did not have a hookup. I was just not into it. I chatted with a few people but they were either too pushy or I was just interested in other things.

This weekend I put my pedal board together. I was worried I would fuck it up, but once all the velcro strips were on and things were plugged in, it worked great. I had to play around with the gain on the pedals so that they were even with each other. But other than that, not a lot of issues. One pedal sounded terrible though and I needed the 9 volt power supply for it anyway, so I got rid of it. All my other pedals fit on my pedal board and I was having a nice time playing around with it. It definitely is easier to play with pedals now, because I can put them away easier and get them out easier. Damn, wish I had a pedalboard this whole time, it was such a mess when they were all on the floor. I was fiddling around with my telecaster and trying out some chords together and coming up with these nice little song fragments. I also wrote this really tense little riff. I don’t think these fragments all belong together in one song, but it’s nice having a few pieces of music that might be a thing someday.

I’m back in guitar classes, I only took one week off. But my singing classes have been paused all month, and now start again tomorrow. So I want to think of some new songs to bring to him to work on with me. I was getting into Fleetwood Mac, but I don’t know, I think I need some other stuff. Maybe a Johnny Cash song. I don’t know. I was learning Ring of Fire on my guitar last summer, but we’re mostly doing electric guitar these days. And that was on acoustic.

It’s memorizing the order of all the parts that I have a hard time with. I can generally learn the pieces, but putting them together in one song is challenging for me. Singing is easier to remember the parts, but guitar is tricky. Some of it goes over a few pages, but singing is generally all on one page.

I’m learning Past the Mission on keyboard. Oh man I haven’t practiced that hardly at all though. My keyboard teacher found an entire PDF of the piano and vocal music sheets for Under the Pink album by Tori Amos. She’s so good! I love Tori. But we were working on The Chase and OMFG I didn’t realize how technically complicated her piano music is. I knew it was good. But omg. It’s hard!

I’ve also recently gotten into Angine De Poitrine since they won the Polaris. So freaking catchy but also like, when I listen to it my brain is trying to make sense of it all and it’s very complicated guitar/bass playing. If I knew how to play drums I would probably be able to give an opinion on them too. But also what a fun band! I love their look. Anyway, the more I learn about how to play music, the more I learn to appreciate technically difficult music.

I saw a young singer recently (not at Polaris) who was opening for a big name and they were throwing this guitar around pretending they were playing it or doing a solo or something, but they were just waving it around and fake strumming. I was watching and feeling so annoyed at the artifice. And I was on an edible so it got me to thinking about the world in general and how much stuff is faked around us. Sort of like seeing the cracks in this manufactured reality we have. And then she was singing and you could still hear her singing when she held the mic far away from her face. Okay, that’s definitely a recording. But the audience loved it so like who am I to stand up in Scotiabank Arena and yell “Faker! faker!” Plus this singer’s music was being processed through autotune, so I mean, she wasn’t getting famous off real singing. I’m sure someone is going to leave a snotty note about the validity of autotune now ha ha.

But anyway, learning how music is made has definitely given me some opinions about music I didn’t have before. Before I just liked it or didn’t like it. Now I know why I like or don’t like it. So that’s a step up.

I’m working on a bunch of things otherwise. Keeping up with projects. I’m going to read my novel in the next bit and starting in October get into doing a second draft. I’m hoping I can finish a third draft next year and then see what kind of state it is in.

I’m doing Duolingo Spanish every day. I finally was able to pay for a subscription so I can actually use it properly. Doing the video calls and the radio exercises and the story exercises are annoying, but also I do see how they are improving my Spanish vocabulary. I finished Section 1 and am into Section 2, right now learning about fruits at the market. Seems to mainly be piñas, duraznos, naranjas, and sandias. Not a lot of other fruits yet. I also looked at the music lessons they started doing. I don’t think I was into it, I’d much rather learn music stuff on an instrument. The other languages I want to work on again are French, German, and Portuguese. I know it’s Brazilian Portuguese on the app though, and it’s more likely I would be in Portugal. Although who knows, I can’t say I would never go to Brazil. Maybe I would. It seems if I go to Brazil, I should stand on the beach in a speedo.

I’m back at the gym. I took time off when I couldn’t pay my membership, and then it was paid but I was busy. But today I made myself go and it was good, I got my exercise and I wasn’t weaker than the last time I was there.

Not much else to report. Social media detox is still going. My nervous system has completely changed. I’m not sure how I can go back. It was putting me in such a negative mindset, and now it’s just not in my face all the time telling me worrying things. I still have to do publicity and stuff so I will have to go back. But being off is nice. I have stayed in touch with some friends. Generally the people I care about are people I had other ways to contact anyway.

My Trans Piss Project photos have been installed in the window at PAVED Arts in Saskatoon, if you want to go have a look you can see it from 20th street. I’m really happy with how it looks. This is the first public presentation of it, so I am definitely stoked. I had the vision of this project a few years back and wasn’t sure I was brave enough to make it. But I did! 3D printed busts of three notoriously transphobic billionaires suspended in 100% Trans Piss that I collected over the course of a day. I originally thought of them as being installations of jars of piss but then was like, ugh I am not enough of a piss lover to keep it around forever ha ha. So it became a photography series. Anyway, they are up!

I don’t have a gallery but I am interested in selling them, so if you are interested let me know.

Last night I went to Charli XCX and it was nice. I had ended up getting in the 100 level because the 300 level I usually get tickets in was sold out. So I was in the more wealthy area. They have nicer food and drinks on that level. I didn’t have money yesterday though ha ha. This guy next to me asked the lady going around selling drinks how much a water was and it was nine dollars! So yeah I dehydrated since I wasn’t paid until today, but Charli was great ha ha ha. I was like the little dried up Spongebob at the end of the concert. But it was still a good time!

Tonight my friend and I are going to the Polaris Prize gala because I’m on the board of Native Women In the Arts and we get free tickets to it every year. So that will be fun, I’m planning on wearing sequins.

I got my grant so I was able to pay some bills and buy some new jeans and underwear. And pay for music lessons again. So that’s nice. And pay back some people I owed money to. I hope I remembered them all. Anyway, it’s meant for living on and making a video so I’m glad I can live again.

I was just sort of trapped at home. I even had to quit going to the gym because I had no money to pay my membership until today. I was getting very buff though with all my gym time, so I’m hoping to get back on my schedule on Thursday. I was doing Tuesday, Thursday, and either Saturday or Sunday, and I was getting muscly and doing better! I want to keep it up.

I also signed up for singing lessons again, I had to take a break when I was broke, but always meant to come back. So that will be nice. I took a week off from guitar because I was broke but get to go back to it on Friday. I was getting pretty good at Manic Depression. I can now play all the parts through. I definitely need to work on speed and memorizing the order, but it’s way easier for me to play. So that’s exciting. I still don’t know what I’ll do with these guitar skills. I figured out another part of my song I am writing, I wrote it down in my diary. So I still need a bridge and a riff. But I’ve also been studying blues guitar stuff with my teacher so I am learning more about which areas of the fretboard sound good with which other areas.

What else? I’m getting through some gigs. I had a conversation after a screening in Vienna today. On the weekend I am finally showing the Trans Piss Project at PAVED Arts in Saskatoon in the When is Future/When is Now show curated by the Wolf Babe Collective. So that is exciting! It’s the first time the Trans Piss Project is showing anywhere, and it gets to be in the windows at PAVED. So if you would like to see three billionaire transphobes suspended in 100% trans piss, go walk by! Opening is on Friday Sept 25 from 7-9:30pm. I will not be there, but if you’re in Saskatoon please go have some cheese for me. It will be up from Sept 25 to Dec 11.

I’m also doing a lot of keyboard practice. I’m learning more and more all the time and hoping it keeps my brain working long enough.

Oct 9th I get to see the neurosurgeon. I’m not sure how that is going to go, considering the neurologist wasn’t very helpful. I do want to know my brain has some hope, or at least know what is going to happen to me in the future. Like is it just going to get to a walnut size? What do I do with that? And is it like concentrated now? Like a can of orange juice pulp from the 80s? Man I miss that freezer orange juice. That seemed like a good idea but I never buy juice like that now. But like is that why I’m getting lots of good ideas? Because my brain is just squished down really tight so all my ideas are too close to each other and getting active?

Anyway. this week I continue with work and start editing my film again. OMG I can go shopping for stock footage now! That’s always fun. I like looking for videos, I get it from POND5 and they have interesting things. But what else? I have to do my novel too, I put it away since near the end of August, so I think I have enough time away from it that I can look at it again. I figured out something I want to include in the next iteration. It made me cry when I thought about it so I think it works.

AHHH I have to go dig up some kind of decent t shirt I can wear under a sequin jacket for the Polaris, so I should go look around. It’s a general admission ticket which is nice because it’s by the stage but sucks because there’s no seats and I hate standing forever. I’ll be okay. I wish I could bring my own chair ha ha.

Social media break still going well. I haven’t gone on. I am only staying off Facebook, Instagram, and Bluesky, because they were the sites/apps that were giving me the most anxiety. It’s been nice not having my emotions toyed with as much as they were on those sites. I’m still informed mostly about things going on. But it’s not so much targeted transphobic material coming my way, so it’s easier to be alive. I still get upset about things going on in the world. But I feel like I don’t end up stewing in my outrage and feelings of not being able to change things. Also! The feeling of helping change things by reposting something has gone away. I can’t change things by reposting things anyway. Or it’s not as effective of a way to change things, in my mind.

I got a lot of work done this week. I finished that script I kept talking about. It needs a lot of work, it is like, amateur hour with that script right now ha ha no kidding. It has some interesting plot points but I can tell right now there’s so much room for exploration that still needs to be done. But! It’s at least a decent draft. Which is more than I had last week. So that’s encouraging. And I can figure out where to go from here with it, it has some room to grow anyway. I probably won’t be taking it to producers in this form right now. It would be nice to shoot it with stop motion like they did in the 7th Voyage of Sinbad. I think it could look nice. There’s one really fucked up scene ha ha omg. I don’t know what producers will think of that part.

Otherwise things are pretty quiet around here. Just working and hookups mostly. Not many hookups. Not as much as before, I just find working more interesting right now. I’m getting projects done so that feels good.

I have discovered this interesting thing that I guess I would call “online performance” where I just feel like now that most of my life is offline, I’m losing the feelings of being judged, and needing to perform whatever type lifestyles to satisfy people. Like, honestly poor, but not too poor, that kind of shit. Or like, not talking about substances and if I am or am not doing them. I feel like sobriety was sort of this thing I was proud of and brought up a lot. But now not being sober doesn’t feel particularly remarkable. It’s not impacting my life the way it did when I was heavily using in my 20’s/early 30’s. I did wonder how many of my changes would stay with me. I haven’t played guitar as much but I do think about it a lot. I play keyboard more and am getting better at bass clef notes. I haven’t done much singing. A ton of writing though, script, notes, a short story. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things and how nice it is to not be constantly seen. I will hopefully post less in the future, if at all. I am still staying off social media until Oct 5th. I think I need to just experience this offline life for a while more. And then decide if I want to go back or not.

I might not go back. If I go back it would be way more sparingly. I guess we’ll see. Physically I feel a lot better. I am not getting that anxious feeling I was getting before which is a huge improvement. I know social media sucks for mental health, so honestly if it makes this much of a difference I should pay attention to it. My last therapy session I was like, so calm talking about stuff. And I know before that the previous two sessions was a lot of me venting and being angry about stuff. Probably because I was being provoked by the fucking Facebook/Instagram algorithms! What a dumb world ha ha. But now I just feel so chill again.

And I am a naturally chill kind of person. Like, I’m not generally causing trouble or stuff. So being so angry so much. Fuck. Facebook is so ridiculous. It’s like basically having all these flash cards in your face about all the things that make you angry. Who would want to keep looking at a site like that? The Get Angry site. And there are things in there I care about, but with all of it being fucked around with with AI and bots and shit just trying to make people angry…fuck. I just do not need to sign into the Propaganda Machine every day. Maybe once a week I will be like “Ok it’s time to see what new propaganda (and my friends) are posting.” Its so unnecessary. I don’t have to look at that stuff.

Ok I will miss the absolutely faggoty clothes and sculptures Facebook was advertising to me though. Like the blow job water fountain sculpture, and all those tight shorts. Ha ha ha. But yeah. I will be ok with it in smaller amounts.

I am having fun working on my projects though. Next week I’m going to fire up Premiere Pro and work on my documentary. I think it will be fun. I mean, not really the content though. But important. I like editing, it’s a nice process, especially with a documentary because you can see what you are missing and where things connect.

I was going to leave working on my novel until mid October. But I might read it again and think on it more. It’s such a little skeleton of a novel. Like all the plot points are there, but they are so lean and rushed right now. I wrote a short story that I’m starting to submit places, so I think I am starting to figure out how to write like a novelist and not a screenwriter. I’ve just been in screenwriter mode for so long. Or blogwriter mode which is just me barfing up some thoughts.

A few times I have thought of something and been like “That’s important I should put it on the internet.” And then I remember I’m staying off social media. Like, today I wanted to post about how Madonna needs to stop publicly flirting with younger artists because it’s creepy. But then I was like oh but I’m not posting that online anyway because I’m not going on Facebook. Omg but yeah, the idea of having this little shiny idea and then being like “I guess no one has to know this,” is so weird. Although I do admit I put that one thought in this post. But I have even more thoughts that I just don’t feel like sharing. No random micro posts. Just this very intentional blog.