I got my first appointment with a neurologist. It’s not until March. Seven months to wait omfg. I’m glad I have more of a time frame for the first appointment. But I’m thinking there will be a few appointments. It’s a consultation so I don’t think they’ll do the lumbar puncture that day. But hopefully they do it shortly after. If I can get surgery after the first week of April I will manage to finish teaching my Winter term class and recover during the summer. It’s hopeful anyway, that it might not upend my life too much.

And in the meantime I guess I am just working on my stuff.

I did apply for a contract job in video games that I think I would be uniquely qualified for, so I’m hoping I get an interview. I’m logging into caut.ca and LinkedIn every day looking for work. I never look on Indeed because I hear they post a lot of ghost jobs there. I’m hoping one of these days a perfect teaching job will show up on one of the sites and I’ll finally have long term financial security. Being a full time artist was only profitable for me when the US didn’t have a fascist government. Which sucks but it is what it is. I do have a shit ton of skills and knowledge so I’m trying to use that to get a more regular job that isn’t fucking call centres. If I had to do call centres again I would die, it’s so demoralizing and I don’t think I’m as numbed out to my emotions as I was as a youth doing those terrible jobs. I’d rather have to deal with stressed out students than annoyed people at home who answered their phone randomly. UGH.

I’m doing ok otherwise. I’m still using my accommodations I’ve come up with to make up for my shit memory. If I write something down it’s fine or put in my calendar or set an alarm. Sometimes I make what must be the most boring Facebook statuses but really it’s to remind myself I did something or need to do something. But mostly I am ok. Although I was trying to renew my PrEP shot so the nurse could give it to me this morning, but the Shoppers website kept forbidding me from renewing it until two days before my nurse appointment, and then I forgot about it until last night so I called Shoppers to get it filled this morning but they didn’t have it (and I can see why I suppose, considering it costs 1800 dollars) so they had to get it in tomorrow instead. So then I had to call the doctor’s office to change my nurse appointment to tomorrow also. A whole bunch of last minute phone calls so I can keep having the kind of sex I like in a more safe way. So I get it tomorrow now which should be fine but damn I felt bad about forgetting to renew in time. See stuff like that, sands through the hourglass! I figured out how to teach with memory issues already (or for the memory issues I have), I think I’m doing ok, if a student asks me to do something like give them an extension if I don’t write it down I will ask them to email me. It’s really not a big issue at this point. Which is good.

And film shoots are so scheduled, like we work from scripts and shot lists and if there’s an AD on set they are keeping it going and reminding me of things. And if it’s just me and a camera it’s still easy because I make lists and stuff. So there’s not a lot I have issues with in my career. And as an actor I can memorize lines, I’m okay with that. Maybe I wouldn’t be good in a play. But in a film I think I’m fine.

So I’m capable as much as before to work. I’m not getting jobs this fall so far though. Turned down for three teaching gigs so far. It’s too bad. I originally kind of wanted NOT to work this fall in case I got surgery, but I’m not getting surgery until next year anyway. So I’m just going to be scrabbling for money I guess. I’m going to apply for another grant I guess, but I’m so dubious. I am really not the most desired Indigenous filmmaker in Canada right now. Like, the least desired. I even had a solo show that was meant to tour and no one wanted it. So it sucks, I’m so tired of trying to prove myself still at the age of 48. I guess if no one wants it no one wants it. I’m still not wanting to apply for disability though and I don’t know how that would work when I have a job starting in January anyway. Anyway if there is anyone who likes reading me for non-hater reasons, please hire me or give me money so I can keep making art.

The novel I am writing has an ending! I’m adding a few things in and then it should be done on Friday. I’m pretty happy about that. I had a goal to do the first draft this summer, and I’m on track, and maybe I can do the second draft this Fall. I’m not showing anyone this draft because it’s so raw and flawed. But I know I will work out the flaws! I think it’s too easy for them to win, I need to make it more difficult. So yeah, but it is at that stage now that I wrote the last line. Not quite done for now but close!

Happy to announce I should be done my first draft of my novel in six days. Or less if I’m on a roll! My goal is 50,000 words and I should easily reach that by the end of this week. I am going to write every day until it’s done, it’s just so exciting to be near the finish line! It will be my first real novel I’ve written. I’ve written beginnings of novels but never finished, or wrote outlines. But this is going to get to a proper end. It still needs a lot of work, I don’t think anyone will read this first draft except for me. There’s some places I want to linger in more in the second draft. But I’m excited! Plus it has a cis-trans gay romance in it which is super cute and was fun to write. The romance is not the main plot line though, or at least I never really thought of it as the focal point of the whole story. More of “if two dudes spent all their time together they probably would fuck at some point.” BUT there’s way more going on than that.

I am going to put it away after that and focus on a film I’m acting in this month. But then when I come back to Toronto I will be reading through it again and starting the second draft. The second draft I might let a few people read for feedback.

People have been asking me why I’m making it into a book and not a film and there’s a couple reasons. One is that too much happens in it and it wouldn’t fit in a film. But the other part is also just that I haven’t had a lot of financial support in my film work the last few years, and writing a book comes with fewer barriers. So that’s what I’m doing. I do like film and I can see parts of it that would have been amazing represented cinematically. BUT that’s not really something that is available to me right now, for whatever reason. I can do experimental videos until the cows come home, but I can’t pull off a project like this with my phone and no money. So yeah it’s a book. But also I did always want to write a book, so it’s not the worst thing to spend my time doing a project like this. I’m not getting paid for it though, but like, at least I have a little bit of time right now and for now I am housed still.

I’ve been doing some of my writing completely alone and some with friends who are also working on their own projects, and the parallel working really got me invested in finishing. After this I also have to write a script, so I’m sure that will happen too. But I just wrote the final confrontation with the villain and next is the rush to the ending. So I’m excited, I know where it’s going and I know how it will end. So I think the writing is just going to flow now. It’s so exciting! I’ve written feature films but never a novel. So I’m pretty stoked. Also I have had compliments on my writing (except for people who say I write bad grants) so that’s nice.

I’m really tired. I’m so relieved my music lessons are paid for for a little bit still, but I’m still looking for work for the fall and still feeling discouraged. I also haven’t heard back from the neurologist about giving my skull a faucet, I’m really hoping it happens soon because I would like to know a time frame to expect my health to be worked on. Plus I am just getting worse until I get patched up and siphoned out. So yeah.

Which is also why I’m trying to write this stuff out now.

I saw someone made a gofundme for someone who needs a shunt and it made me wonder if I should do that too. I don’t want to if I can help it. I would like to just be paid for what I do so I can carry on and take a little time off to get my shunt. But I don’t know how I will get paid. I’ve been putting in applications but so far only secured one teaching gig and it’s in the Winter semester. BUT maybe I can get my shunt this fall? I still need to get money though, it’s so stressful, and I’m pretty sure I can’t get disability. I have been constantly turned down here. I know my disability is more specific now, but it feels like they didn’t care before why would they care now? I don’t know.

I practiced guitar today and it was super fun. I went for dinner with a friend. I wrote and wrote and wrote. Tomorrow I am going to write too. I’m just trying to keep working on my art/writing stuff and carry on I guess. Until I get an appointment with the hospital. I guess I’m scared my brain will do some fucked up stuff after I get my shunt. Like, maybe I will have a manic episode? Or something that looks like a psychiatric episode. I haven’t gone manic in Toronto, although I have lived on and off with low level depression. Depression doesn’t really bother others though, and mania does. But also I’m worried what about if my depression does finally go away after my shunt and people think I’m manic when I’m really just finally genuinely content with life? I don’t know, my outcome is undecided by the gods. Or maybe it is decided. That voice told me I would be normal in the end, so maybe I really will be fine after.

It’s weird because NPH is progressive, BUT it can be reversed with treatment. It’s like, there’s hope, but only if a surgeon operates on me. Other than that there’s not a lot they can do. And I’ve accepted that I might have to get brain surgery, like I am prepared. But I just don’t know when.

I still don’t have an appointment with the neurologist. My doctor did call to give me my STI results (negative!) and asked if they’d gotten in touch with me yet and I said no, so she said she would keep checking. My therapist appointment last week was very validating. I showed her my screenshots of my MRI scans and told her what they think I have and how it’s been affecting me. And she was astounded like I was, she even said “What the fuck?!” At one point she said “So you were told you have an incurable permanent psychiatric disability, but really you have a treatable neurological condition?” And I was like yeah. I mean it is so awful that they didn’t get it right for so long. The night after I saw her I went to see the Odyssey and on the way home thought about everything and sort of started crying in the street and finally got home and had a big cry. So much grief at the suffering I had to endure while I was misdiagnosed.

I know I have to be optimistic about this because there really is a chance my life can drastically improve. But waiting for the neurologists office to contact me is so nerve wracking. I don’t know how long it will be before I get my first appointment. Or when I will be able to get my shunt. It’s kind of scary.

I remember the intense depression I had to deal with when I was out of the hospital after my last “manic” episode. I couldn’t speak, or very little anyway. Someone told my cousin he got creeped out by me because I would be out with them and not say anything. And it’s just that I was so neurologically damaged at that point that I was literally mute. But I guess since I wasn’t psychotic anymore no one really thought I needed more help. I remember I was in the care home I didn’t want to be in with no privacy at all, no way to have an orgasm by myself because I had a roommate who literally slept in the same room, and I was just thinking to myself that I was climbing out of a valley and going up a mountain and that I had to keep going because I couldn’t see the other side yet. Like metaphorically. But climbing that mountain in my head managed to keep me from committing suicide.

It’s weird, so many times I’ve been suicidal and now if I think about it, no one would have known why I did it. They would have made up all kinds of reasons but no one would have looked at my brain and seen what it was doing. I wouldn’t have even REALLY known why I did it. I think there are other people in my family that have this and all I can think is how grateful I am that none of them have died because of it, except for my Grandma.

When I think about going up that metaphorical mountain back in 2007 to get out of the bleak depression I was in, I realize I’ve gone through a whole mountain range and I’ve never really known what was on the other side of the next mountain. I thought I could see where I was going but now I’m realizing there’s a bigger mountain and the other side is after my brain surgery and I have no idea what life will look like at that point. I don’t know anything about what it will be like.

I have started going to a friend’s studio to do writing. I did it a few days ago and went back today. Got 2651 words of my novel written today. I still want to get this first draft done by the end of the summer. I have 33,353 words written altogether and I am aiming for 50,000. It’s also a skeleton of a story still, I write like a screenwriter but I’m hoping to put some meat on the bones when I do a second draft. It was going pretty quick today but then I got stuck on a plot point so I went home to be with the dogs and write here. I want to get a first draft done before I get surgery if I can help it. If surgery is not for a while then I would like to get a second draft done first. Basically I am feeling like I need to preserve my stories before they can get damaged by what is happening and what will happen to my brain. If I get a grant I’ll edit my climate documentary too. I can see things that would round it out and drastically improve it. If I don’t get a grant I will finish it, but it will be a very humble version of what my initial dream was for it. It’s already been a dream that has diminished as each funder turns me down. But if it really only gets to be a documentary of zoom interviews, then I guess that’s what I was allowed to make in this lifetime.

I have to figure out my money for the fall. I haven’t got any jobs lined up, just one for the winter semester. But that is still months away. I wish we didn’t live in capitalism. I know it’s failing but the death throes are scary shit. I shouldn’t have to think about money, but realistically disability isn’t enough to support me. It would pay for my rent and that’s it. And if I even qualified for disability, they would keep me impoverished more than I already am.

But I have to be optimistic because I have no choice.

One thing that did make me happy is that there are a lot of people with hydrocephalus who use medical marijuana, and to be honest marijuana has really improved my life since I started smoking/eating it again. It calms me down and makes me feel better. It’s good for sleeping. I have insomnia and sometimes wake up in the middle of the night, but if I have an edible I can have a truly restful sleep.

Life is fucked up! I don’t know what else to say about it.

I’m trying not to be alone so much, because I’ve been alone for a long time as kind of a protection thing. Which made sense when I was dealing with lateral violence in the community. But I’m lonely and I have a serious medical condition and I need to be around friends more. So I’ve been going to that friend’s studio and messaging a few friends to hang out. It’s very difficult to be someone who needs help so frequently. Last year the help I needed was mainly monetary because I had no jobs in 2025. This year I had two jobs that got me through half the year. But we’re into the other half of the year and I don’t know how I’m going to afford to live while I’m trying to get a serious surgery done. So it’s frustrating me. I’ve been turned down for residencies and jobs, so I am TRYING it’s just that I can only try so hard. I’m only allowed to get so far!

At the same time I look back on my career and I’m like yeah in your face! I made all that shit with a damaged brain and maybe it didn’t bring me riches or anything, but I like to think it made a difference. Maybe not enough people understood it or something, I don’t know. But I did it despite the disadvantages I physically and socially have. Not in a Jimothy inspiration way, more like, none of you realized how HARD it was for me to do all that and still I did it. Even when I didn’t get funded.

So yeah, I just want to get these projects on my plate done as much as possible and see what happens I guess. Technically, if the shunt goes okay, things will be on the upswing for me.

When I was a kid I remember being in the sweat being doctored for my depression. It was pitch black and there was a rattle in the sweat, and a spirit picked it up and was rattling it and flying it around the circle. But it stopped at me and went around and around my head. The spirits knew what was going on with me and tried to protect me as much as they could. I know it wasn’t my Uncle (who was the medicine man), because he was too far away, and because the spirit knew where my head was and never hit me with the rattle even though they went all around my head.

There’s so many spiritual things that have happened to me in my lifetime that are starting to make sense now. And not in a “This was all fake” way either, more like, “this story was all true.”

I saw my doctor this morning and she looked alarmed at my MRI report but also was glad I had the MRI because it finally answers a question I’ve had in my life for years. I was telling her how long I’ve noticed the symptoms. I first started peeing frequently and urgently when I was 20, so it’s been 28 years with that. And my psych symptoms have been ongoing since I was a kid, culminating in a manic psychotic episode in 2002-2003. I also told her about the few times when I was a kid when I would go partially blind for a few hours. She was writing down all the things I noticed and is sending the MRI report and the symptoms I described to a neurologist who is going to probably do a lumbar puncture as a diagnostic. So I am prepared. I’m not looking forward to the lumbar puncture, I heard they hurt. But hopefully I get decent pain meds.

I’m still honestly so pissed that all these doctors I’ve seen for all these years for my bipolar disorder never thought to look at my brain and order an MRI, which could have explained EVERYTHING that is going on. I’ve also been reading that some people have their psych issues resolve after they get a shunt, and are even able to stop taking psych meds. I still feel like that’s too much to hope for. I’ve been taking psych meds for most of my life. But we didn’t know why this was happening before.

Why don’t more psych patients get MRIs? It seems like a reasonable thing to request for someone having fucking BRAIN ISSUES! Ugh it’s just infuriating. And I mean, the doctors I see here in Toronto are so much better than the doctors in other provinces, because I’ve never got a feeling of medical racism from them. And it makes me wonder if no other doctors were interested in investigating my bipolar disorder because I’m Indigenous and not worth as much as a white patient. Or they just saw the symptoms and that was as far as they were interested in investigating. I don’t know.

I know I’m lucky to be diagnosed with this though because less than 20% of people with it get properly diagnosed.

Why did it take so long for me to get an MRI of my brain? It’s crazy. It should have been one of the first things they looked into after I was diagnosed with a psychiatric illness.

Also, this is reversible! Like, this could be resolved! I might still have some damage by now though. But I did look at other neurology papers about it and saw some scans of before and after shunts, and the brain does expand again.

It’s wild, it’s like my brain is one of those pillows or mattresses in a tight plastic bag and when you cut it open it puffs up. That’s what my brain is doing in all this fluid, being vacuum packed practically.

I think also I have some feelings about how I’ve been treated by people as someone with a psych history. Like I’m a bad person, or like I deserved bad treatment because I have psych issues. Like I’m a disposable person. I don’t think people understand how some people treat psych patients like we belong in the garbage. I know the nazis believed that, but lots of people who wouldn’t consider themselves nazis also think we should be murdered or forever institutionalized. And I know in my family I’ve had some bad treatment for having psych issues. I even lost housing once because someone didn’t want me to come home after having a psychotic episode. That’s when I ended up in the group home. It feels like I’ve been punished for my brain for so long.

And this whole time it’s been fucking hydrocephalus!?!!?! WHAT THE FUCK?!! And someone could have found it 28 years ago with an MRI? Or worse, even 41 years ago when my suicidal ideation started and my random blindness episodes. WHAT THE FUCK?!!

It’s just like, wow. I think my brain has been trying to get help for so long. SO LONG!

And yet at the same time that I’m angry at falling through the cracks medically for so long, I’m also really hopeful that this means this suffering can end. I take meds, but this would resolve so many things beyond the psych symptoms. SO MANY THINGS! It’s like, if I can live another 48 years, maybe I could have one normal-ish lifetime. I know if I get a shunt I’ll have to keep checking in to make sure it’s working. But there’s so many websites on this illness saying I could live a full and fulfilling life after surgery. So I have mixed emotions. I’m angry at what was lost, all those years just suffering with hydrocephalus. And yet I’m happy about the idea that I could live a normal life, something I’ve maybe never known?

I’m also a bit worried about how my personality will change. I’m not worried about not being a man, I feel very sure in my gender. But like, maybe my personality is already different than my normal personality. And then that’s weird, what is my normal personality? I don’t even know anymore. It’s like, that’s a stranger. It’s wild.

BUT ALSO even just regarding the memory issues, I know I could advance a lot in learning music if I had this shunt surgery, because it would help me remember how to play properly and sing and things. It’s just, my brain does work okay. But it could be better! I could be better.

So I got my report back from my MRI and my brain has a condition called Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus. It’s kind of alarming! It explains why I’ve been having more and more memory issues as time goes on. Also I guess it’s supposed to affect my gait, I’ve had some balance issues going down stairs, especially when there’s no hand rails, but aside from that I seem to walk okay. I did notice in Vienna and Buenos Aires when I went to museums with no hand rails I had a lot of anxiety trying to go down the big stairs outside. I also have urinary urgency and frequency, which is how it starts out and eventually goes to urinary incontinence.

The thing that kind of upsets me about it is that when I had my first manic episode, I also had urinary issues which should have alerted doctors that maybe this was going on. BUT NO I did not get an MRI at that time, because I was just some crazy person, not someone who maybe had a physical reason for mood changes. I was also getting memory issues back then but again, never referred for an MRI.

In my second (and last) manic episode I remember I was waiting for my Mom in her car and listening to the song All Good Things (Come to an End) by Nelly Furtado on the radio and at the end of the song this male voice came through that said “The story goes that in the end, you’ll be normal.” And I knew it was an auditory hallucination. I never heard those words on any other recording of that song. And also the way the voice sounded, it sounded like when a witness is being protected and their voice has been altered electronically. But I was always like what does that mean? Normal how? I don’t like the word normal.

But now I’m learning about brain shunts and how NPH is one of the forms of mild dementia that can be reversed and treated. And I honestly just don’t want to get worse. If I don’t get it, my brain will continue to deteriorate and eventually I will have to move to a care home. Something like 85% of people with Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus die within five years if they don’t get treated. And I have shit to do you know, like I still have projects I want to finish. And I’ve also had a lot of barriers to doing Industry work, so I’m needing a longer timeline to get my work supported. And I’m also trans so I’m feeling like I am at the back of the line when it comes to funding.

But also there are risks I suppose. Some people get shunts and just deteriorate and that’s sort of the end. But the chance that things could get BETTER is really what is propelling me forward on this.

I made an appointment with my GP to talk about getting referred to neurology/neurosurgery. I’m just relieved that it’s right there in the report, what I have. And I can see it in the scans also. Like look at these! There’s so much space filled with fluid!

It feels vulnerable showing what my brain looks like right now. I know people treat people with neurological issues shitty. I mean I knew that as a bipolar person when a formerly friendly colleague started calling me a psycho when I brought up unrelated issues in our working relationship. So I am sure some people will treat me like a shitty person with no brain now that I’m showing these.

I read so many neurological papers after I saw my scans, trying to understand them. They could be the reason for my bipolar disorder and ADHD, who knows. And they are definitely the reason my walking is a bit wobbly and I have to pee so much and I’m losing short term memory. But also I read about brain shunts and recovery, and if a shunt works, the brain does expand a bit again. I think there might always be some damage that ended up happening. BUT I’m technically still in the early stage of this illness. I’m at an Evan’s Index of 0.30, and when it’s 0.31 and above it’s like, trouble! So I’m just on the verge of it being in the bad range. But it was definitely still noticeable enough to be diagnosed in the report. Normal Evan’s Index is 0.20-0.25.

So I don’t know. Maybe the story does go that in the end I’ll be normal.

It’s so wild, to think this could have been happening for a long time and just no one bothered to do an MRI. Because I was just a crazy person, not someone who maybe had something that could be reversed.

I know the medication does work for me, and I will probably still have to take it after shunt surgery. But maybe I could take less of it. Maybe I would be less depressed after. It seems like it could go either way, I could do really well after, or just continue to deteriorate. But I know mostly it’s people over 65 who get diagnosed with this, and I’m quite a bit younger. So I think I have a good chance of getting better. And. I want to find out. I don’t want this to get worse and make me leave my home for a care home. Care homes fucking suck, I’ve been in them and they are awful. I don’t want to be in another one if I can help it.

I’m not really getting the emotional support I need around this though which is difficult. My Mom doesn’t really want to talk about it much. And I don’t know how to express how serious it is to people, or how scary it is, or even how relieved I am that issues I have been noticing might have an end date without the end date being MY end date. I see my therapist next week so I am looking forward to that. But yeah, it’s a very strange time in my life. I am continuing to try getting jobs because I don’t know how far away a surgery would be. It might be a year away, they might decide I’m not in very much danger and not super prioritize it. I don’t know. And considering the trouble I am having with one gynaecologist in even getting a scheduled hysterectomy, it might be another medical thing that has gate keeping. I just don’t want them to think I’m doing fine and not do anything about it. Or I don’t know, enrol me in a secret study to watch me deteriorate. It’s scary as hell and I also need a really good neurosurgeon who can do the procedure and not be mean to me. I did find someone who works with the hospital my GP is connected with who has amazing reviews on Rate My MD. One person said he was next to God. And the only bad scores were from people who actually didn’t get in to see him and went somewhere else. So it’s hopeful.

It’s just like, I had a whole crisis around my brain and what it looks like and for a while was like “I guess that’s what I have to work with” but now to find out things could improve??? It’s encouraging. I could have a normal lifespan, and not die within the next five years. I could stay independent. I just need this surgery. I’m hopeful, and also sad I guess. And also feeling frustrated in case the worst happens and I do die young, all the projects I never got to finish because I didn’t get properly funded, all that shit. It’s disturbing. People think people will always be around, but that’s not true. And I’m already 48, I recently saw someone my age who had a heart attack and dropped dead. I know people die at any age. But some of us are delayed in our dreams because people aren’t ready for us, even when we are ready to make these things. Even when it’s the last chance.

Hey! I have been in Saskatoon the last while, so I was too busy to write here. I don’t think I even really wrote in my diary this whole time either. I have seen my Mom a lot which has been nice. I’m staying with a friend and today we watched a hot air balloon seem to land in the city like, blocks away. I don’t know why a hot air balloon would land IN the inner city of Saskatoon, so we are watching the news now to see if they mention it. But Saskatoon doesn’t have a news station that we can find, so I don’t think we’ll get the quirky reason for why it landed so close to us. We didn’t hear people screaming as it came down so I suppose things are fine.

There’s been a lot of tornado activity out here, like multiple tornadoes a day. Saskatoon had a few tornado watch/warnings and when we went out to the lake there were more tornado warnings/watches. Most of the ones I’ve seen photos of online are lil skinny guys. So not SUPER scary. Still, I don’t want to be in a tornado if I can help it. Anyway, the reason there are so many tornadoes is because of climate change. I don’t know if I wrote this here already, but in my researching climate change I learned that Tornado Alley in the US is moving east, and that the tornadoes are more lethal because they happen at night when it’s hard to spot them. So it makes sense that Saskatchewan would get more tornadoes too. We always had them out here, I think it’s the frequency that has increased though.

I got one of my teaching jobs back for next year, which is nice. But I got turned down for this other work thing. I’ve been applying for work for the Fall semester, so we’ll see if anyone hires me, but having one class for Winter term is helpful and takes some anxiety off of me. I did also get a grant application in but I’m extremely dubious about that coming through. And I need to pay for dog and people food and rent so those are my priorities right now. Putting together enough gigs that I can live another day.

People have been sending me jobs in other parts of Canada, but rent is SO expensive everywhere and I’m in a co-op with reasonable housing charges so staying in Toronto with secure housing is more sensible. PLUS I do better in Toronto with other types of work too, we have a ton of film festivals and Industry stuff, there’s a good art scene, multiple universities and colleges, and I am popular on Grindr in Toronto more so than other places.

ALTHOUGH I did go on Grindr a bit in Saskatoon and had a small handful of nice hookups. Nothing ongoing though, just brief moments. But it was fun. So I guess I can’t act like I can’t hookup here too.

Madonna and Grindr tricked me into changing my Grindr app logo and it’s pink and is supposed to look like a rose I suppose, in the shape of the Grindr mask. But it looks like a prolapse. I thought I was deactivating the thing and it turned it on and now there’s no way to change it back.

Stuck with the Madonna Prolapsed Grindr.

ANYWAY! Being in Saskatchewan has been nice. I got to see the graves up at my reserve and help clean them off. My cousin and grandparents have headstones now and they look really good. I liked the chance to be out there with my Mom and Uncle Doug. And then I got to meet my new baby nephew today and he was super cute. I saw my sister too which was nice, she’s sweet. And some cousins.

I’ve been catching up with friends which has also been nice. I think I’ll have squeezed almost everyone in by the time I head back to Toronto this week. I’m sure I missed a couple of people though. And one is out of town so I’m not sure I’ll get a chance to see them when they come back.

What else? Aw not much. Just connecting with my people out here really which is important for me. I also got some saskatoon berries so hopefully I can remember to bring them home with me. I want to make pies. Pies is what is happening! I wish I had a chest freezer though, so I could fill it with berries and meat. That’s what I aspire to! I know I don’t have room where I live though. It’s too bad! I would need to increase my income a lot to move though, to a place with room for a chest freezer.

So anyway I head back to Toronto and my puppers soonish, and then I’m in Toronto until August when I’m back in Regina for a film shoot. I am not the director, only the actor. I am excited to act in someone else’s film for a change. I need to write another grant this fall. Always the grant writing. It’s still very frustrating to have ideas shot down financially. I’m thinking I am probably going to have to finish the climate doc with my own money, or do some kind of crowd funding. I still want to be finished in 2027. That’s my goal, and it’s just not a film I feel I can put away for another year, considering all of this gestures everywhere. I know there’s people saying films take years sometimes, but I don’t think this can wait.

And yet it keeps getting turned down for funding. But I intend to finish it anyway.

I still need to fix my bed. Mr. Muscles never came back to help me!

I rescued my bike from being tossed out on the bike room clean up day, so now I am thinking geez I should really use it. I could sell it too, but I wonder if I could get used to riding around Toronto. It’s kind of big, it’s a cruiser and an e-bike and super sexy looking. I am just terrified of getting doored. I have accidentally doored bicyclists myself which is why I’m feeling like I am cursed to experience this from the bicyclists perspective. Oh man I can just see it happening! Probably immediately ha ha. I don’t know, I also need to remember how to ride a bike. I do know, but last time I was a bit wobbly. And it’s been a while since the last time.

At least I have a helmet.

I’ve been having an existential crisis since seeing MRI scans of my own brain. If you look at it, it’s so clearly a disabled brain! I think most things are there, but there’s a couple of spaces where there shouldn’t be spaces, and gaps that are much wider than the gaps usually are. I got super anxious about it and was reading all these neuroscience papers about brain imaging and Bipolar Disorder 1 and ADHD. And the gaps generally correlate to where there are larger spaces in Bipolar Disorder 1 folks and ADHD folks. So it makes sense. My mom said “but it works really good!” Aw thanks Mom ha ha ha. She is going to bead it. I gave her a few different scans to work with so I’m curious to see what she does. The cool thing about brains is it seems they can compensate for differences really well, like building new neural pathways and so on. So I suppose what I can’t see is all the secret neural pathways that are making up for ways my brain is unusual. And I would like to think there’s some strengths in there I don’t know about. My memory is dog shit though and I’ve known that for a long time which is why I write everything down when I can. Now when my mom gets jerky to me because I don’t remember something, I can say there’s holes in my brain! Leave me alone!

I’ve been busy! So I have been away from this blog I guess. I’ve been doing a bunch of creative things, which have been nice to do. I am starting to post myself singing on my social media. I had my recital on Saturday and no one would come record me singing, so I came home and recorded myself singing. With like, proper gear. I don’t think the video composition is very interesting but it was literally just singing. But then I started getting anxious about how many or how few likes it was getting and it kind of bothered me. I hate measuring myself with likes. What have we come to?
I’m realizing a lot of the validation I’m seeking has to come from myself. I’ve spent so much time in the art world in competition with everyone for grants or shows or awards and it’s really a damaging way to think about a creative career. Especially since I talk about things that don’t usually get attention until a decade or more later. Anyway, I’m tired of feeling like the unpopular kid in the art world, so I need to stop looking outwards for recognition. And music stuff is a slightly different form than the films I’ve been making. I’m not really anticipating a huge money making venture with music, it’s just something I’ve always loved and can finally put time into learning.
Really I think music and film are very complimentary, because they are both time based mediums. And I think the structure of music and songs can relate to narrative structure. So learning it is helping my story telling as well.
But it’s just like this blog, people tell me they read it, but barely anyone except my friend Clark comments. It gets so little recognition, even when I post it on my facebook.
How do you keep creating when there is so little recognition?
That’s my question. Because I am so tired of applying for grants and fellowships and awards and shit. I honestly would prefer just having universal basic income so I can make art and not starve. AND I am also tired of looking for likes. I kind of wish we didn’t see how many likes people got. Especially because there’s people out there who buy likes, I couldn’t be bothered to waste money on likes. But it’s just a point about how those numbers can be very artificial.
I make stuff I love. I think that should be enough validation for me. I genuinely had a good time making everything I’ve made. OH except the video about being suicidal took a lot out of me. But the other things were satisfying to perform and edit together.
And then even when I am complaining about likes and shit like that, my work is being bought by the libraries at NYU and UCLA. So I’m being taught to people. And yet I’m still like “omg only seven likes? Really?” I think my new stuff is just too new for people.
I’ve also been taking Lomography photos again and those don’t get many likes either, even though I think they are kind of amazing pics. It’s depressing! I don’t want to think about reception of work. I just want to think about making it. And make it and yeah. Then not think about it anymore I guess. My Trans Piss Project is also unpopular and no one wants to show it. Even though it is so timely.
I was always one of those people who tried to encourage emerging artists and filmmakers. So I guess when I don’t get it back it’s disappointing. BUT I don’t want to think like this. I don’t want to think about algorithms putting me at the bottom of the feed so that everyone has to read the propaganda they are getting instead. And I don’t want to pay to make more people see it. And I don’t want to strap someone into a chair and prop their eyes/ears open so they will see/hear something I made.
I just want to be satisfied with the things I can make and do and the skills I keep trying to develop as I get older. And my singing has improved a lot. I started singing lessons in July 2025 and I’ve gotten a lot better in various ways. When I listen to the first songs I was singing, I sound so different. Now I actually sound decent. I don’t know if I am the best singer. But I also realize that there might be a form of music that my voice works for, and I just have to find it. But also omg some people act like it’s a hardship to watch my art and that just stresses me out.
I really do want to work on finding validation by myself though. I’ve become so insular since COVID made me spend months all by myself. And I don’t know that that is good, but I do like being alone. So I want to enjoy my art alone too I guess. And if other people are noticing, that is nice. But really I’m tired of trying to please others. I just want to make stuff that makes me happy.
There is one person who has been endlessly validating for me though and that’s my therapist. Sometimes I will play a song for her that I recorded, and she always has the best responses. Or I will send her a link to a film I made and we talk about it in therapy. She doesn’t see any of my socials or this blog or anything, just the few artworks I show her. And usually my art reflects on deeply personal experiences, so it helps to show her then talk about big stuff. Anyway, I at least have that.
But yeah, I need to let it all go and stop thinking about the audience honestly. Because sometimes there honestly is no audience for some of the stuff I make.

I’ve been concerned about declining literacy among the younger population. I’ve been reading a lot of comments from profs in subreddits about how students are no longer able to read entire books, or even a paper longer than ten pages. I think we’re understating how alarming this trend is.

My Grandma taught kids and adults how to read. I didn’t realize how revolutionary this kind of teaching was until maybe more recently in my life. Many leftist organizers focus on teaching literacy skills to the population and it’s really key for living in a better functioning society. But billionaires have a lot to gain from an undereducated populace. It’s harder to draw lines between history and the present when you can’t read the history books.

I got online on a more regular basis when I was about 19 and living in a tiny studio apartment on South Granville Street in Vancouver. My windows looked onto light wells, so there wasn’t ever much sun coming in. I got my first real computer at that time, my Grandpa bought me an iMac for university, one of the big blue translucent ones. I also got my first personal email address (fanggrrl at whatever but some people thought it was fangrrl so who knows where their emails went to). Anyway, I had access to the internet whenever I wanted for the first time. I went into chat rooms, I read long conspiracy websites, I read whatever was out there.

My reading practice had mostly been books. And I still read books in the early days of me having internet access. But as time went on and social media became a thing, when the internet was in my pocket, my love of reading books sort of dropped off. I was reading whatever was on the internet. Some of it was helpful, but I think all of it diminished the amount of literacy I had and the length of my ability to focus. And I stopped reading books for a long time, I’m sad to say.

I kept trying to get back into it. But I would drop off right away. I would read one book and let it go. But last summer I made a conscious effort to read more books. I think I was upset by the events in the world, what was happening in Gaza, how capitalists had laid waste to our planet, how billionaires held so much power despite their immoral behaviour. So I turned to the first thing leftist organizers do with a community and went back into reading.

It might sound weird for someone who blogs all the time to admit to losing touch with physical books. I did though. And getting it back was kind of exhilarating. I read theory, I read history, I read literature, I read essays. I spent all last summer and fall reading so many different kinds of books and learning more and more things about our world and how it operates. How people feel about events that happen in their lives. Where fascism was born and how it works too. I was fascinated by all of it and I finally organized the best way for me to read, alone in my bedroom with music playing.

I think I had also been discouraged by my ADHD. I wasn’t diagnosed with it until after grad school, after it would have been helpful to be medicated for it. But I did notice now on Vyvanse my ability to read and hang onto what I just read is way better. I don’t have to go back and read the same paragraph three times. I can read it once and remember it and move on. It’s very frustrating when you are trying to read but have a disability like ADHD.

So I went back into reading and it has changed my life for the better.

I think my ability to dream up new creative projects has been enhanced by getting back into a reading practice. I think my ability to play music is also playing into this. But I know a lot of film/video I make is about storytelling and it’s really important to learn how other stories work by engaging with them in various forms, including print. And specifically including print on paper. Physical books. I did read some books on screens, but I think something about screen reading doesn’t hit the same.

Today my keyboard teacher taught me how to read sheet music. I hadn’t really tried to read sheet music since I was in band class in elementary school, and I had always thought of myself as not being able to ever read it. But he demonstrated easy ways to remember what notes were on what lines or spaces. And what a treble clef and a bass clef are. It was kind of like seeing a door open just a crack, like a whole world is on the other side of it.

I still remember the first time I read a book. It was a book about dolphins and I remember being disappointed by the story. It was a very simple children’s picture book and I didn’t think it was very interesting. My Grandma had taught me how to read because I wanted to read on my own. I remember she gave me a workbook and was teaching me how to recognize the alphabet through exercises and things. Anyway, then I read that boring book about dolphins ha ha. I don’t think anyone saw me do it, and I don’t think I told anyone. One day my mom caught me with a book and asked what I was doing and I said “reading.” And she didn’t totally believe me so she got me to read some of it to her and I did. I don’t remember how old I was. Four maybe? It was definitely before kindergarten.

I read all kinds of things as a child. I remember when I was twelve I got a Stephen King book from the Scholastic Book fair and ended up reading a ton of Stephen King. I don’t know if it was age appropriate but he does write really gripping stories. When I was in my 20s I got into Agatha Christie and read all these mystery novels. I read really trashy books about Lizzie Borden and Amityville Horror and then some other really impactful literary novels like Stones From The River. I had a whole year of reading every Kurt Vonnegut book I could find. I loved reading.

And then the internet came and I guess I did that instead.

Recently I came to an awareness that film is more accessible for people today than a written book is. It’s sad to say that, but I know a lot of people are out there who can never pick up and read a book but can sit and watch something on Youtube or Netflix. I sort of liked the idea that I was working in a more accessible medium.

But also the money to create in that medium is very little, and so many people are in competition for it. And people in my demographic are just not very important to funders because they assume the audience for our work is tiny. And film is about money and making your money back. So in a way it makes sense for me to turn back to printed books, because maybe in print it will be easier to sell a challenging story.

I don’t know if that is true either. I am working on a novel, but I’m not sure I will be embraced by the literary world. I’ve got it halfway done (first draft) and I’m fairly certain I can finish it and go back over it in other drafts. But even when I do finish it, who is going to read it?

I think literacy is still one of the most important skills to teach people to have a better world. I guess I just hope I can write a book that is good enough that someone will want to spend some time with it and maybe learn something.

I’m so beat. I had to pause writing my novel while I get some work projects done. I did hit 27,416 words on it before I paused, so I think I’m doing pretty good. I hope to get back to it soon but this week is ImagineNATIVE and also I have to finish my edit on my documentary work in progress to screen it on Friday. So I’m editing this week and then next week I hope to turn more fully to my novel and this other script I am working on. It’s been hard trying to squeeze time in. Also I think I need to have less sex. I’m just not very interested in sex when I’m being creative, and the time is precious. I would rather be editing. Or writing.

I’m in this weird position of not really being in love with anyone and it’s strange. Kind of freeing though. It frees up a lot of mental space for one thing. I used to get really wrapped up in desiring love and it’s just not a thing right now. I love my life though (despite being bitter about funding). I’ve been doing guitar, keyboard, and singing, and getting to know more about music has added a whole new dimension to my creative life. Trying to master technique is an interesting process. I think aside from drawing maybe, most of my practice has not needed body memory to be so involved. I think that’s kind of a cool addition anyway.

The dogs are fine. We just hang out playing music and editing and writing and that’s a nice life. Mostly I’m staying in. My singing classes are at a music school but the other two are online, which seems to be working out ok.

I’m learning Life on Mars on guitar still and it’s hard, I can grab the 20 chords easier but I haven’t fully connected the names of them. So once I can do that I will feel like I can play this song easier.

I guess it’s Pride Month now (unless you’re a corporation catering to the billionaire class) so we should celebrate. I have one pride dog shirt that used to be for Little Mister. But he’s passed, and he was the only dog I could bring to Pride because Posey would just try to beat all the other dogs up. And so would Todd. So no pride for them. Little Mister was such a chill guy, I still miss him so much. I realized the other day while trying to put on a shirt that I have some Extremely Faggy/Trans t shirts that I don’t actually know where to wear ha ha. This is funny because I live somewhat close-ish to the gay village so I’m honestly probably fine walking around my neighbourhood with a shirt that says Nice Cock and has a rooster on it. But I get nervous! The queer kid who grew up in Saskatoon in the 90’s and got jumped for having weird hair comes out and is like “NO you must wear a jacket with that shirt!” Thanks scared inner queer kid.

I am having a better time as a fag than a dyke though which I think I’ve mentioned before. I always felt that lesbian communities really wanted some of the sexual freedom that queer men have with each other. But it never really worked out. I remember when I had an estrogen dominant system I would get SUPER attached to someone even if we just met and had sex for one night. So I think it’s a bit harder to be as casual as people on testosterone can be with each other. Or, I am just having an easier time being casual as a man. But at the same time it would be nice to fall in love again. It’s just the bar for that is kind of high right now and I don’t see the point of living with a partner when I am living on my own just fine. I mean I guess the rent would be cheaper? But it’s cheap for what I get.

Anyway blah blah blah. I’m going to try going to the trans march this year. Things always happened which kept me away from it but no more! I demand to be able to go! No one is going to schedule something with me that conflicts with it. if you want to have a conversation with me about some work thing I guess you are going to have to put on some short shorts and follow me down the street while we talk about it.

I’ve not been on Grindr very much recently. I have some regular lovers I see frequently so I’m not really looking that often, PLUS I am busy with projects. Yesterday Inside Out started, so I went to go see My Brother’s Killer today which was sad, but ultimately had a really solid ending. It’s a documentary about a young gay adult film performer who was murdered in LA and covers the whole search for his killer. In the Q&A someone asked how the filmmaker funded it and she said it was mainly volunteer work. People just really cared about the project. She also got the rights for two famous queer dance songs by writing to the artists and explaining the project. Amazing!

It seems that is what we are going to have to do now, make films with volunteer labour. I hate not paying people. That’s probably why I just turned to writing a book instead. Also some of my ideas are big budget ideas, and it’s just looking very dubious that anyone is going to want to support any of those larger projects.

I wanted to make a tv show about my ancestors and all the things that happened when we were being colonized and put on reserves. There’s some really intense oral history I know of, including the battle my great great Grandfather was the war chief for, the first time the Cree got smallpox, what my great grandfather was doing when he was a Cree refugee in Montana and joined a wild west show that disbanded in Chicago. And how he used a jigger on the rails to get back to Canada. I don’t know that project has been frustrating because I’ve pitched it twice in applications and no one had any interest in it. It’s also kind of driving me nuts because I feel like Canada needs to face the facts of what was happening when we were being terrorized and colonized. Like, that battle my great grandfather was War Chief for? I think the Canadian soldiers who attacked us were planning a massacre. My family would not be here if he hadn’t had such a good battle plan. And Poundmaker gets all the attention for that battle because of his diplomacy. But he was the peace chief so that was his role, my great great grandfather Mistatimwas was the war chief who made battle decisions until he was shot and wounded with a gatling gun. SO yeah ha ha omg I have this whole family history and I don’t know what to do with it. My mom and uncles and auntie are getting older, one has a serious cancer, they surely have stories I haven’t heard that they will take with them. I’m starting to think about making it into a book after this book because I’m just tired of the run around with tv people who don’t want to make something like that, and the fact that I think that particular series of family stories need to be told before we’re all gone and no one knows what the fuck happened to the Cree.

I just know these stories aren’t getting the respect and care they need to actually become things in the world. So making a book is the next best thing. At least then these stories would stay when I’m dead.

I’m thinking a lot about what I am leaving behind when I’m dead and there’s at least three major projects I want to finish before I pass away. I feel like a life support system for stories and history and it is a lot to carry and after I get them in the world maybe I won’t be so nervous about life. And I’m sure people would be like oh but you’re young. Young? I’ll be 50 in two years. And a woman got hit by a truck and died just on the corner down the street, so I know there’s always that chance something could happen. And then there’s also this anxiety that I’ll die violently in a hate motivated crime. No one can tell me that doesn’t happen. I am open on Grindr that I am trans so one bad actor sniffing around there could potentially get me one day. I’m really careful about meeting people but you never know.

ANYWAY I know I’m not getting funded for my epic projects right now with people bowing to fascists, so for now they have to be epic books. And I’m doing good on my writing! I’ve worked for two weeks and I am close to hitting my 25,000 words this weekend. I had no time to write today because I saw two films, but tomorrow is for writing and maybe having a hookup with someone I’ve met before. So I am sure I will make my goal. At this rate I should hit 50,000 words in two weeks. And that’s my goal for this first draft. I think it will get longer when I go in and do the second draft because the action was unfolding way too fast in this draft and there’s A LOT that happens, but I need to be more descriptive. I don’t think I’ve even described what my main characters look like, so there’s a lot of holes right now. I also need to be more clear about names of places etc. BUT it’s still a really good start and I am enjoying writing it, which is funny because it’s such a heavy story.

I think it’s that I know someone not in this physical world gave me this story and I had to think about it for so long and do so much outlining that it just feels really good to finally start writing and feel like I know where it’s going. But also because when I got this story I was kind of in a trance every time I imagined it unfolding. Like watching it, like I know some parts of it come from me but some parts of it are coming from a more spiritual plane. Being told a story by a spirit is INTENSE especially when you know it’s a fictional story based in truth. And also it kind of gives me some solace to think more spiritually sensitive artists and authors are able to pick up a story from a spirit and make it in this world. It makes me hope if I am ever a wandering spirit I can come across someone who is creative and somewhat psychic and plant a seed for them to make something.

I think my main concern is that I feel like these stories are urgent and need to be in the world, and I am so tired of the film world not hearing me. I’m tired of not getting bigger budgets and then being patted on the head for always making those kooky low budget films. And really if you take away everything, it’s the story that matters more than me ever walking down a red carpet. I would rather the story be told than be struggling in another twelve years of development.

So this is why I am becoming an author. I was always writing anyway, I just never had such a clear idea for a fictional novel before. A memoir maybe but one time I tried to do my memoir and just got annoyed and quit ha ha. I write enough about my life here. But a fictional novel is very different, and reminds me of the writing I used to do when I was younger. I’ve also gotten back into reading physical books this last year, which I think gave me a leg up on getting into writing like this again. I wasn’t really reading books when I first got the idea, I was one of those people who got suckered into reading mostly on screens and the internet. But the spirit who gave me the story was very clear that it was a book. And I think based on the type of person the spirit was, it makes sense that they envisioned it as a book because that was more the medium of epic stories in their time.

And maybe if/when I finally get to the point of publishing it, someone wants to make it into a movie or limited series, I would be interested. BUT I don’t want to just assume I have to make a series out of this and then shop it around to uninterested parties until I’m dead. It’s too frustrating. I know all the limitations I have based on how marginalized I am and how parts of my identity are being persecuted right now. People don’t want to give someone like me money and I know that and this is the next best thing I can do right now.