The Icy Blast of the Past

I recently had the most ridiculous dream, involving my ex-one-time-lover from high school and Nicole Kidman. We were wearing top hats, sitting next to Nicole Kidman at a premiere. Nicole was going to be in a film I was making which was completely in German (I don’t speak German and I doubt Nicole does).

Now, I wasn’t as surprised to find Nicole Kidman in my dream, considering since I’ve moved to Saskatoon I’ve had celebrity cameos in my nocturnal slumbers on a fairly regular basis. But I was surprised to see Miss X (her name is unique enough that she would be justified in giving me a boot kicking for naming her), since I had thought of her only rarely in the intervening years since adolescence.

But it did give me pause for thought. For one thing, I was pretty awful as a teenager. I did a bunch of stuff I regret. Hormones are so crazy when you’re a teen, and jealousy is horrid. I was fucked up and confused and mean, and I was way too preoccupied with the advice and opinions of others. I think as I’ve matured, I’ve wanted to go back and try to make amends.

I found her email, sent a message of apology, and you know, I really have no expectations. I won’t even mind if she never emails me back, I’m just grateful that a dream pushed me towards trying to fix something that went terribly wrong. Maybe it will inspire me to be more open in future relationships.

She’s still as beautiful as when she was a teenager, and I was awkwardly crushed out. I hope that time has given me the grace to act more honorably towards those I love.