Deviant

Since starting to get off psych drugs my memory has returned, along with an ability to rapidly learn things again. I realized that while learning about Quantum mechanics helped me realize the existence of God, since I was immediately put on Zyprexa at the same time I have a shoddy recollection of basic quantum mechanic theory, which is irritating me. So now I have to relearn it. I do have some books around on it, it’s one of those conceptual ideas that I like playing with because it twists up all the ideas of reality which average people assume is the truth. Unfortunately, it’s also the kind of advanced concept that average people don’t study and therefore view as some kind of psychotic thought, especially when it comes out of someone who people don’t consider having an astute scientific mind.

I was talking to my friend Robin last night when we both suddenly stumbled on this idea of Genius Sex. It’s an unusual concept, to be sure, but there does seem to be a such thing as Genius Sex, and it doesn’t seem to be something most people can do. I was lucky in that my first two lovers were highly intelligent people and so having long extended four hour plus sex sessions were pretty normal. But then I found out, that isn’t the norm! Most people seem to have sex lasting on average half an hour. I think in some respects I gave up sex because I got tired of the limited scope of it with certain parties. I would choreograph extended sessions with fifteen different acts and get done with about two of them when the other person would roll over and turn out the lights. Uh, hey, wait a minute. We didn’t even get to hour two, and I had something REALLY spectacular planned at hour four. What the hell?

Robin said “You mean people don’t usually have sex for four hours or more? What?” It’s true. And people think intelligent people make terrible lovers, that’s just dumb. Imagine someone specifically trying to give you multiple orgasms in a Fibonacci mathematical sequence! We were trying to figure out why great sex and great minds seem to come together. I think it’s because sex is seen as a skill set by people who like to learn and are adept at it. I know the best BDSM practitioners are the ones who actually care to learn the culture, the medical issues, the psychological issues, along with technique and practical usage. The worst practitioners are the ones who just show up with a whip and don’t even care to learn how to avoid hitting kidneys or why you should avoid hitting them. And even with relatively vanilla techniques there’s a lot to learn, with a lot of dialogue with your partner to find out what’s working. I also think that since learning entails mistakes, people who enjoying the learning process are willing to admit when something they’re doing isn’t working, and more creative in finding something else that WILL work, and then applying that to several other different techniques. If the other person hasn’t rolled over and gone to sleep that is.

Which brings me to the other issue at hand, some people just can’t take sex sessions that are so extended. And gifted people generally have high levels of energy, so of course if you put two of them together and they’re having fun AND not getting tired it’s just going to go on and on.

So I’m relearning what giftedness feels like, since the psych drugs basically eradicated it during the last four years. It feels like, it’s really nice actually. I like being able to toy with concepts again, especially several at once. I like being moved to tears by film, music, and art again. I like seeing the big picture. I like the thoughts which psychiatrists considered grandiose but which are just reasonable thoughts and goals for me. I like that I have finally figured out my own psychological condition apart from a judged pathology label given by people who didn’t bother to ask me anything about myself and who thought maybe my filmmaking was a delusion. I’m not so used to the fact that I don’t need as much sleep again. I’ve often been a sleepy person, but I can function on an average of six hours of sleep. More is nice at times though, and sometimes less is necessary when I’m really working hard on something.

I’m trying to be careful around other people, because I know that few people around me understand what is normal for me. I guess you could say I was one of those gifted people that went underground after facing constant social rejection, but now I’m at a level of maturity where I don’t really care about fitting in anymore. I know I won’t. That’s okay. I just hope that people don’t think they can improve my life by MAKING me fit in, because that means making me dumb and I dislike the experience.

So I am trying to honour the fact that I have overexcitabilities, which are very different from manic depression but often mistakenly assumed to be manic depression. There is nothing wrong with crying because of something on the news, or being terribly excited about a new concept, or making a mess and not caring that it’s there. I’m trying to re-educate my mom on the experience of gifted people and the propensity of society to pathologize our differences in an attempt to help us conform, when we are not meant to conform. I’m not sure if she appreciates being constantly given information on gifted characteristics, but I’m hoping I can educate her enough that she won’t start telling me I’m doing something “bipolar” when I’m actually doing something gifted. Especially since I’m getting off the intellectually damaging drugs.

And I have done a lot better since getting off, I don’t have shakes and tremors, I haven’t had a seizure in a long time, I haven’t cared so much about smoking pot, I don’t hear things anymore, I sleep better in that I’m not super sleepy, my short and long term memory has improved, I can come up with creative ideas at a much more rapid pace, and I can assimilate new information with greater ease. I’m also not depressed anymore, which is a side effect of the drugs they gave me to cure mania, which was caused by antidepressants mostly and not spontaneously from me, and the antidepressants were originally used for existential depression. So I got misdiagnosed and treated for the wrong thing, most of my treatment in the last four years was to eliminate mania and hypomania, which are actually overexcitabilities which gifted people tend to have and which serve a purpose.

I am on 500mg of epival now. I think at the end of this week I will cease taking it. I’m hoping I don’t flip out, but we’ll see. Mostly I hope people give me a chance to get through the withdrawal symptom without running around yelling that I’m sick.

I think I’m lucky though, I do have a small number of people who I can have conversations with about what I care about, and that’s important. I don’t know anyone else but Robin who could have a half hour discussion on Genius Sex. I have another friend who sends sweet nothings in latin, and a few people here and there who I drop in on and talk about their thesis or dissertations or other pleasurable intellectual pursuits. I have been deeply lonely around the lack of people to talk to and play with and have sex with, yes, but I’ve reached a turning point where I’m not willing to measure myself based on the standard. I am a deviation, it is true, but that doesn’t always mean a lack.