Approved Treatment

I’m in touch with the medical community again and I’m back on the approved treatment for getting OFF psych meds, which is smoking marijuana. So that’s what I’m doing now, because marijuana stimulates the regrowth of neuronal pathways, which is why HIV pos people use it. One of the many reasons they use it, actually. It does amazing stuff for HIV positive people. And so my little brain is growing back together, and that’s good. I’m glad it’s getting itself back together. And I think the drugs are mostly out of my system now, I mean, it will probably take a year or two for them to flush out, maybe longer. The hard part of detoxing is over though, and that makes me happy.

There are a lot of mood disorders and so on among transgender people, because it’s a super oppressive situation to be in, I mean, ultimately I think it is the most oppressed position in this culture. And so of course people have problems when they start coming to terms with it, because it means deciding if you are ready to leave behind the world you have known. And so you look at EVERYTHING that is in the world, I mean, so much, because you need to know if that is a world you want to be a part of. And that’s why we go crazy, because the world is a dark place. And fuck no, I don’t want to be part of that world. But then people get suicidal, because it seems like the only world to exist. And you do want to live, I mean, you don’t want to go away for ever, so then you start hating yourself. Because if this is the world we live in and I am completely opposed to it, then I must be in the wrong because I’m the most marginalized of all minority groups. And people all seem to lack consensus, which reinforces those binaries more because they fight each other on those lines.

But then you really do wake up, and realize that life is more infinitely complex than all of those binaries. And the more complex it gets the more infinitely gorgeous it gets, to the point where you HAVE to stay. I mean, it’s too fucking gorgeous to toss the whole thing away. Which is why First Nations people allowed their young transgendered people to go on a shamanic quest, because part of that quest was divulging how to keep a community together. And so we make great community builders, because we really do try to understand everyone’s position on our journey to be who we are.

I don’t know any trans person who has actively shown their process in real time. I mean, ten years of this, man alive! And it is so personal, it’s terribly personal, and that’s why people don’t show it, because of shame. And people do shame it these days, because no one remembers what a shamanic quest looks like from the inside. All you know is that we have to go away and then we come back and we are all better. But now so many people are going on them that you kind of HAVE to see it, because we don’t have proper retreats set up. Which is mostly why I want to go to Grad School, so I can give you people your own desert so no one else has to hear your secrets when you learn who you are. And you won’t all be trans, just a few people are.

Privacy is an important thing, again, because people jump to hasty conclusions. And those conclusions limit people.