I’ve been having terrible stomach pains in the late afternoon/evening/until about 3:00am time ranges. I am not quite sure what is going on. I used to think it was the gallbladder attacks but they are much more sustained and start earlier. I have to go back to a low fat diet, I’ve been eating not very healthy things recently like PIZZA and Fish and Chips and stuff. I’m worried it will be cancer or something terrible. I was reading about parasites and freaked out too, what if it is round worms eating away at my innards?? EEeeeep!

Either way, pain=bad, unless it is specifically administered pain done in a loving bdsm relationship. Or even not loving, hell, I am not picky.

OH but I am picky. I really want a loving long term relationship and I am stuck on this one specific person! I even made a 6 hour playlist on my iPod so I could think about her and mope about all lovelorn and forlorn! I feel bad, even if she is interested in me she might be scared off by how intense I am emotionally about her. And then what if I do have parasites or cancer and I’m just going to die from being eaten by a worm the size of a tumor?

I’ve also been getting short of breathe, and like, pains in my chest. It’s not very good. I’ve been quitting smoking, but having maybe one to three cigarettes everyday so far. I had the tiniest cigarette today, but I think I am just going to tough it out the rest of the day, my nicotine inhaler and I. I know something is wrong with me, I just don’t know what.

It’s so weird to be at a state in my life where I actually WANT to keep living and doing and being. I had such terrible depressions for most of my life that it just seemed too miserable to keep going. I’m glad I did, but I do wish I hadn’t started smoking and generally being self destructive to myself.

This year I think I am aiming for having a more consistent bedtime. I am always hearing from the doctor type people who work with people with bipolar disorder that a consistent bedtime is really important for maintaining stability. But I have been partying really late too many times this past year. A few times is okay, but not as much as I have been.

Jeez, stupid health problems. I wish I could just wake up every morning feeling fabulous, and go to sleep with no problems and no pain while holding Special Lady.

That is a good nickname for her actually, and it is even cooler because it sounds like a gun, which I think she would approve of.

She quietly rounded the corner, pulling her Special Lady out of it’s holster and aiming square into the back of the perpetrator’s head. . .

Well, I may as well post this now. I hope I don’t have worms eating through my organs, that would really suck! :S