My business is starting to come together. I got my certificate and articles of Incorporation in the mail today, I called the First Nations Bank to set up an appointment for a business bank account (Mr. Mr. still hasn’t called back yet though) and I got in touch with an Entrepreneurs With Disabilities program which offers small business loans of a maximum of $15,000, which is almost the exact figure I need. I am meeting with them Monday morning at 10 am. I have to do my credit score and report still, and I eventually will need a business license. Once I get my loan I can do my favorite thing . . . SHOPPING! I will be getting a desktop computer and a laptop, along with all my software, furniture, accessories, etc. And then I can start actually working! I’m nervous, I hope all goes well at the meeting. They need to see my business plan, so I’m glad I did so much work on it, but I do have more work to do still.

I also have to move my bedroom to the other side of the basement and paint it and get it ready for becoming an office where I will do all the editing and blah de blah. And generally make the basement seem nicer and more inviting to people who will be sitting down here with me working on their masterpieces. I think maybe I should set up a microwave and coffee maker down here. Maybe I should even get a tiny fridge.

My ex sent me a harsh email! She said I didn’t have the strength to be with her, that I had no willpower, no ambition, and no drive! :O I was shocked! I feel like she’s judged me so much based on my fucked up year when I got sick. And besides that, if I have anything it’s got to be ambition, I’ve always been ridiculously ambitious. Whatever. She sure didn’t stick around when I got sick, and even though I have been stable for nearly four years now, there is always the possibility of a breakthrough episode even with all these pills I swallow twice a day. Can I really afford to be with someone who’s just going to bail when I have a health problem? More to the point, why be with someone who so clearly doesn’t understand me or why I do what I do? She says she was waiting for me to figure out my life. So when is my life all figured out enough for a serious relationship??? Do I have to have some kind of action plan on every aspect of everything? Do I need to know what I am going to be doing when I am 50????

Anyway, I do have my life figured out. I am going to edit, curate, write, produce, direct until I die! Isn’t that enough? Maybe she isn’t artist friendly, she sure does have some kind of different idea of what and why I do art. She’d probably do better with someone boring like an investment banker or a stock broker. At least they would keep her in the manner to which she is accustomed, while I am still living in drips and drabs of money coming in once in a while.

Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be stock brokers!

Well that’s over anyway. I was really close to finally closing the book on the whole thing before this email came in. Why should I jump through some invisible hoops just to go for coffee with an ex lover? And anyway, why be with someone who has such a low opinion of me? I’m worth way more than that. Maybe I’m not worth much to her because I’ve had health issues that have curtailed my life starting in my mid twenties. But I hate that, it’s such an immature view of relationships, that people must be at their pinnacle of health and not have a backstory of trauma. I hate when I try to talk about certain exes and people say “Oh, wasn’t she fucked up?” Um, aren’t YOU fucked up for saying that? Who doesn’t have some shit going on in their life? Show me ONE PERFECT PERSON!

Besides, some of the people I have known at their most fucked up have still done intensely beautiful amazing things with their lives. I am impressed by tenacity and bravery. And if you have everything going for you already, you don’t really have to be brave.

At least I have an answer now, I can say “OKAY! This mindset she has is why it didn’t and won’t work!” And now I can move on! 😀

And like I mentioned in the last post, there ARE a few ladies I am interested in who seem kind of interested in me. Like maybe three of them? But one doesn’t live here.

Either way, maybe starting a serious relationship AND my own company is all a little much at once. Maybe I should just keep taking it SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOW. Build up the antici-

pation!

My Great Grandmother died this morning, leaving her house to my Dad. Now he has three houses! He said I could move into one of them, but they are on the reserve and in a small town and I think it would kill my home based business if I moved that far away from the city. Plus I have no car. No car! Hell, I don’t even have a driver’s license!

I really do want a house of my own though. With three bedrooms, one for me, one for my partner when she doesn’t want to sleep with me (should I ever get one) or to use as a spare room, and one for my editing suite. In a nice neighborhood with tall trees and shapely grass. I don’t know why grass would be shapely, I just wanted to use that word. Have you ever walked on SHARP grass? Like lawn grass? It’s weird and it hurts!

Anyway, I have to find a way to get to my Chapan’s funeral. Chapan is a Cree word for great grandparent. I don’t know who I will get a ride with. I don’t even remember her, though I met her when I was learning to walk. That is a LONG time ago now!

I am listening to this great song by PJ Harvey off her new album Let England Shake. It’s called The Words That Maketh Murder. Have a listen!