I never did win NaNoWriMo with a 50,000 word novel. I did however end up with 19 pages of an autobiography about madness. I think I might have to expand on it though, I mean what I write about, because there’s only so much you can say about madness before it gets redundant. My manias and depressions have been pretty similar to each other. I mean, the situations are always different but I always end up feeling like a Messiah or someone who should be dead. It’s kinda predictable.

So yes, I am still going to work on my novel, it just will take longer than one month. And who knows, maybe next year I will write a novel in a month.

I haven’t had a cigarette in 33 hours! I feel pretty proud of that, but I also realize I need a little hobby for my hands to be busy. So I am going to learn how to knit. I am starting off with a scarf. Just a really basic scarf. I hope it doesn’t roll up into a tube, but even if it does I will have something warm and handmade by me around my neck. Tomorrow I go out to pick up some yarn for it, and some number 7 knitting needles. KNITTING!

My Grandma used to knit a lot, so in a way it feels like something I am compelled to do. I don’t have anything she knit for me anymore either, which makes me sad. But maybe I can make some new knitted things. She once made me the best mittens ever, they were purple and the insides were another layer of thinner but softer pink yarn. They were so warm! I loved them and I had them for over a decade, but they weren’t on a string so one day one got lost. And the other followed a year later.

Some friends of mine invited me to join their knitting group, so hopefully soon I can sit around with friends all knitting and doing other artsy crafty things.

I shot my Super 8 film for the 8 fest, but I still have more work to do. When it comes back from the Lab I have to draw on it with a sharpie to simulate blindness, mine in particular. I used to get ocular migraines and the edges of my vision would start to turn white until everything was white except the very middle of my vision. They are scary to have. I think they were related to my oncoming manic depression, because I got them when I was in 6th grade up to second year of university. They come on really fast, so often I would be walking from point A to point B when they occurred. And crossing a street trying to see the walk light when you are half blind is scary as hell. Also I want to talk in my film about my cousin’s blindness and how it is related to his schizophrenia. He stabbed himself in the eyes almost two years ago after going off his medications. So sad.

Also I have to record some audio for my film and edit it and make a little mp3 on a cd for the 8 Fest to play alongside my film. So there is still some work to be done. But I am happy to report it will be done in January in time for the 8 Fest. And the day after it screens I will post it onto my facebook. Maybe some girl will be attracted by my filmmaking skillz.

So creatively I am doing very well. I have been producing things anyway, which always makes me feel good about myself. I don’t feel good when I am not able to be creative.

Also I spend too much damn time on Facebook. But I am always immersed in websites. I used to be on Open Diary all the time. Now I hardly ever visit. But if I knit I can do something with my hands that is productive besides writing facebook statuses.

I am going to hear in January if I got my grant to make a video about being butch, and do a residency in Hamburg while I finish editing it. So I really hope I get it. It would be awesome! 😀 I only applied for 6000, I hope that’s enough. I will have to pay my 500 rent here AND a plane ticket and money to live on in Germany including 60 euros for the rent over there. Also money to make the video, including paying my minimal crew and renting equipment. I think I can do it. I am going to buy the ticket as soon as I can, because then I will get a way cheaper fare.

Oh mans, it’s late! I should go get Little Mister and go to bed. I was hearing this squeaking in the kitchen and it was tripping me out man! Probably a mouse.