Ha ha it’s not just a day, it’s a life!

Seriously tho, for a long time I have identified as being very gender fluid and moving back and forth between male and female and it is confusing sometimes. And as a Two Spirit person, I’ve been able to feel myself part of a label that fits because Two Spirit is so all-encompassing. BUT this male/female thing I’ve got going on is getting more prominent because I really don’t feel I can claim one side or the other entirely, solely. I mean, I can’t pick a side, I like both too much. So I am starting to id more as Bigender. Which also explains why I’ve dated so many bisexual women. And it’s making me question AGAIN if I am allowed to id as Lesbian. Because Lesbian really does seem to fit me sometimes. At least half the time! I’m only ever into women romantically.

But here is where it gets tricky. What does it mean if someone is attracted to the male parts of me? I mean, obviously this is all complicated by the fact that I have a VERY female body, and I’m not inclined to go for hormones or surgery to change it. HOWEVER that is kind of a lie because I did get an ablation, and while part of the reason was because I had such massive bleeding when I had periods that I was constantly anemic and had awful cramping, another part was possibly some gender dysphoria. Either way, I do not regret getting rid of my period. It’s given me a kind of freedom and relief to not have it anymore.

But back to this confusing sexuality thing. What does it mean for someone to fall in love with someone who is bigender? Especially if that person has identified as someone with a monosexuality? I know monosexual is a loaded term (and often used against Lesbians) but for the purposes of this question I am wondering if someone is allowed to keep their Straight or Lesbian card and still date a Bigendered individual?

Honestly though I guess it comes down to the person who has fallen in love or lust or whatever to decide. I actually don’t mind dating someone who doesn’t id as bisexual. I don’t feel like it’s a slight against my strange gender(s). I can see how other people might see it differently though.

I found my packer the other day. I’m wondering if I should wear it out. Dick on the town! But also I don’t have a good way of securing it and it has been known to fall down my pant leg. Also it’s kind of a size queen packer, and I actually wish it was smaller and more realistic. Also I have been doing my nail polish again these last few months. It’s been nice! I don’t regard it as being particularly a male OR female expression though. I think more dudes should rock nail polish.

I’ve been wearing more pink the last few years. Right now my hair is pink and turquoise. There’s been some push back against androgynous people having to be masculine (esp. AFAB people). I relate to that. I’m kind of liking these little feminine traits I have developed the last few years like carrying a purse and wearing pink and nail polish and having super girly bras. I like mixing them in with doc martens and boy leather jacket and other more masculine presentations.

But the whole sexuality thing follows, if I am a Lesbian half the time when I feel like a woman who loves women, then obviously the inverse is true and sometimes I am a Straight Man when I am a man who loves women. And accepting my inner straight man is really fucking hard, I think because cis-het men can be so odious! And it’s just based on life experience being a female presenting person that I understand how crappy cis-het men can be. And I don’t want to be one of those men when I am clocking Straight Man hours in my regular day.

Which is ALSO funny because obviously I am not ever going to be a cis-het man.

So I guess it’s a crisis in my masculinity, how can I be male and also not an asshole? And how does this work when some/most of the time I am a woman anyway? And do I get to keep my Lesbian card?

Those are the questions on my mind this Gender Fucky Day.

By the way I still use She/Her/Hers pronouns in case you are curious. But They/Them/Theirs is also acceptable.