I’d like to believe the universe has a plan for me. Like that I haven’t gotten a real job yet because I have to go to Saskatoon for who knows how long until . . . until until. It would be nice to come back to a job. I’m still gonna look while I am out there. Grandpa is seeing things and saying “Kiyas.” Kiyas is a Cree word and people say it when they haven’t seen someone in a long time. I hope we can have a little chat when I see him. Poor old man. After this trip I won’t be going back there until the fall when I have a show/screening thing in Prince Albert. I plan to make the most of it. As much as I love living in Toronto, there are still a lot of people I care for in Saskatoon and I know all the good restaurants there and I have access to a vehicle and my Mom and Sister and Grandpa are there.

In the future it will eventually just be my Mom and Sister I come back to visit, which is strange. And Sky has a profound intellectual disability which usually comes with a shorter lifespan. So I also have to make the most of my time with her. She’s 41 this year, which is unusual for a trisomy 13 person.

Mortality is weird. After being with my Grandma when she was getting ready to pass I believe in an afterlife just based on the things that happened during that time. Like her talking to all of her departed relatives and lights flying around the room. But it still sucks that after someone dies, for me anyway, the only time I see them again is in my dreams. I guess it’s good, like if I was just having a bath and Grandma walked in and sat on the bed just outside the door I would probably get freaked out, even if she was carrying like, ghost cinnamon buns. And a couple of friends who killed themselves, if I saw them, as much as I love them, it would probably wig me out. Especially if they looked the way they did when they died. Like maybe for me there are boundaries between the living and the dead for a reason and I should just be grateful I only hear voices and see things move around. Little Mister sees spirits, and I think Posey does too cause she barks at one spot in the cemetery where we go walking.

So yes, we think Grandpa may be getting ready to depart this mortal coil. BUT it’s really so unknown. He could also be just fighting an infection. He’s seeing things that we don’t see but besides saying “Kiyas” to the ceiling, he’s not being as vocal as Grandma was when she was having full on conversations with spirits. Also let’s be honest, spirits have been attracted to Grandpa whenever he has profound health issues. Once during his recovery for his quadruple bypass he said old men in the hospital room were trying to tell him to come with them. I don’t know what he told them, but he didn’t go. And also Grandma died in the room he is in now, so she could just be hanging around.

BUT he is 97. Maybe we should just round it right up to an even 100 so he can finally be satisfied he made his goal. 97 is a good age I guess. I say that about any age, but for being old and having a thriving family with three more generations of Cuthands and a long marriage that only ended because his spouse died, I mean I think he has done well for himself. I don’t think he would have many regrets.

I only say his marriage ended because Jesus said there would be no husbands and wives in Heaven. But maybe Jesus was wrong. Or that was some funny part of the Bible no one believes. There are lots of parts of the Bible believers don’t believe. Like the part about not mixing two kinds of clothes. Or not eating shellfish. I think there was an amendment to that part of the Bible later on or something.

Ha ha I haven’t read the Bible since 2003 so I don’t really remember it well.

Grandpa bought me my first video camera. It was a Sony Hi8 Handycam. I made lots of short experimental videos with it. “Untouchable” was shot on it. He was always very encouraging for his children and grandchildren to go into the arts. I always credited him in my videos, even tho a lot of them I didn’t show him because they were just too whatever. Explicit or things. Not Grandpa safe. He didn’t see many of my videos. But he was encouraging.

So I have a ticket tomorrow to go home and see him. And I hope he recognizes me, because I know he misses me a lot since I moved away. And I miss him.

And I hope I get to see my cousin Deanna when I am out there, cause I miss her too even tho we talk on facebook and the phone all the time. Maybe especially because of that.