I am trying to get to Berlin, and it’s not far away. I haven’t heard back from Canada Council yet and realistically I probably won’t hear back until I get home. I applied for myself an a personal attendant to go with me, but we have half the funds right now (until the travel grant goes through and I pay Mom back) and the OTHER half is looking less and less likely to get even tho I will probably get the whole travel grant EVENTUALLY. So Mom has proposed plan B (although realistically it’s more like Plan F or G or H or something) where she lends me the 1500 and I go there alone and contact Canada Council and tell them I am not taking a personal attendant this time. Which would be fine, because I DO have a lot of friends in Berlin and I have been there numerous times and so I know the city and transit and basic stuff like that. So I wouldn’t be like, terrified to be there alone. It’s just kind of a bummer tho.

But the other hard part is finding a dog sitter for these dogs. I thought I had one but it fell through, so then I got in touch with their other sitter but she’s booked. Their OTHER sitter lives in Port Dover, which is a two hour car ride away through a few towns, BUT she’s cheaper than the kennels around here and Posey and her love each other. I am waiting to hear back about that and THEN I have to see if I can find someone willing to drive for four hours twice. There is another possibility but I think she doesn’t want to stay somewhere without air conditioning and I am poor and not about to go out and spend money I don’t have to buy an air conditioner. So it’s looking pretty dicey.

I love my dogs, I don’t want to ever get rid of them, but damn it’s hard doing art stuff out of town and organizing and paying for their sitters. Usually it basically takes up my whole artist fee anyway to pay for a dog sitter. I’m hoping I can get someone for $50 a day, because I really can’t afford much more than that. It’s not even like I go travelling very often.

Anyway that’s the Berlin update.

I cried in therapy today because I want a family and a bigger place for them with obviously a partner and it seems SO far away right now and I’m tired of it. And my therapist was really good and helped me come up with like, a five year plan to get to where I want to be in life. So I felt better. But really I think this grief about Grandpa is super fuelling this sadness about not being where I want to be in life. I mean, I guess things are looking up, I may be getting this feature film off the ground soon, which has been a goal of mine since I was like, 25. And I would have done it too if it wasn’t for this meddling Bipolar Disorder!!! *shakes fist* Oh and the woman thing.

I don’t know what it must be like to live with privilege and be told everything you do is amazing. That must be a sweet life.

Anyway, I have my dogs. They make me happy, even when they are preventing me from going overseas to do art things. I mean, maybe not AS HAPPY when that happens, but yeah, I mean, when I have kids this whole thing will happen again, just MORE INTENSE because who is gonna stay with the kids? When my Mom had to go somewhere Grandma came and looked after us, but my Mom lives two provinces away and isn’t gonna be able to come stay with my kids.

OMG fucking stress! I guess that’s why I want a partner.

See and this is why I hate having anxiety, I totally want to know HOW IS IT GONNA GO DOWN every time something new happens in my life. Where will the tickets be? Who do I have to talk to? What do they look like? Where is the ramp or stairs? Do I need ID? What forms do I need to bring? Can someone just take my arm and show me where everything is? Why aren’t there nametags at this shindig? Do I use this persons obviously fake facebook name to refer to them or are they going to laugh in my face and tell me “Bitch my name is Anne!”????

I did see that psychic in February or whatever (on the four year anniversary of seeing her TO THE DAY!) and she told me things about my future that seemed promising, but she didn’t give me certain specifics (I’m assuming because spirit can only speak in general terms) and dammit, I guess I wish I had like, a more clear timeline. Like could my next girlfriend be THE ONE if I do specific things, or is it just going to be an intensely powerful love that shatters my heart? OMG I need specifics!

But I know that’s not how the future works.

By the way there is this super WEIRD NOISE in my apartment right now and I have no idea what it is. It sounds like a dog breathing BUT also kind of metallic and fuck maybe I should just go sleep.