So, probably until I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and put on all kinds of psych meds at 24-25 I was mostly small. Like, not fat. Maybe a pudgy tummy but not as big as I got. I was a skinny kid, an average teen. And then with the meds, even though I was actually broke and starving, I gained a whole bunch of weight. And it’s shifted over the years, it’s gone up and down but never like, making me skinny again. And the ovarian cyst made me even bigger for a few years, because when it was removed it was the size of a grapefruit. I remember when my weight first changed I had a really hard time adjusting to it. I didn’t have a lot of knowledge about internalized fatphobia and fat politics and things. And I had a hard time finding myself desirable, plus I was dealing with an STI around that time, so my sex life took a major dive for a while. And I am about 38 now, going to turn 39 in a couple of weeks. So it’s been almost half my life being a bigger woman.
But since the surgery to remove my cyst, AND the Vyvanse I’ve been taking, I am losing weight. And I have to say I have mixed feelings on this. AND I have also been really hesitant to talk about it because people in general are so fatphobic and fat stigmatizing that I don’t want them to start like, giving unsolicited diet advice and gym advice and shit and congratulating me when I don’t find this any kind of accomplishment. But I want to talk about it. But I don’t know how.
Part of me is kind of grieving my old body, the big chubby body I have had for so long. I ended up really liking it, and I was finding myself being drawn to other women who were also bigger and chubby/fatter. Fatty on fatty sex is pretty cute and hot. But now I am wondering if I am going to be smaller and not as appealing to other chubby women. Also there’s a certain amount of brute strength you get just naturally from moving through the world with a lot of weight. And I am wondering if I am going to lose that. I have a lot of questions.
But part of me also sort of likes the idea of my body going back towards what it was like when I was younger. I mean I am all stretch marks and soft belly, but I would be smaller and I am wondering how that would change my life and how I go through the world. I always had a hard time with how much space I took up, this is a problematic thing though, because I think it’s deeply gendered and men aren’t as cognizant of needing to be small as women are. But part of me likes having more room in an airplane seat. I still don’t quite fit in a train seat, I mean the tray pushes my belly in when it’s down. Dimensions. It’s a little easier to go through a crowd.
My attractions are still pretty open though. I like people of all sizes, but fatties are still really appealing. And I hate to say it but when I was young and skinny before gaining my weight, I was not very open to diverse bodies. Which is shitty and shallow. But it’s not a mindset I have anymore. Weight is fucking complicated yo!
I don’t think I’m going to stop being attracted to diverse body sizes even when I lose weight. I’ve really just started taking Vyvanse, it’s only been a couple of months. So I don’t know how small I will get. And who knows, if I get off Vyvanse I might get big again. Anything could happen. I’m not really tied to any particular outcome in terms of my final form (ha ha!) except I think it’s not ever going to stay static for the rest of my life.
Having to buy new pants is a drag. I guess I should be glad my Mom talked me out of getting leather pants no matter how sexy they are.
The funny thing of course is that I am still fat, small-fat, but def not a skinny lady. So I don’t really know if I will make it to slenderland and shopping in “regular” clothing stores and not the plus size ones. But the nice thing is that I don’t see that as my goal. Really, all I want is to be mentally well, whatever size my body takes when I get there.
Another reason I have a hard time talking about this is because it brings up complicated feelings for other people, fat people, people with eating disorders, all kinds of people. I don’t want people to think I am going to start celebrating weight loss and becoming obnoxious and a jerk. It’s hard to say “I think I am losing weight” without people reacting to that in a celebratory way. It’s hard to say “I think I am losing weight and I am missing my old body” without people reacting in all kinds of weird ways. Mostly I don’t want other fat people to feel shitty because I am talking about my size shifting. I think celebrating fat bodies is important and revolutionary, and it is weird for me politically to see my body downsizing to something more normative.
I have mixed feelings.