So I guess now it can be told that I won a REVEAL Indigenous Art Award from the Hnatyshyn Foundation. Which is $10,000 that I really needed, mostly because I need a new Macbook Pro that can be a workhorse for the next few years and help me make more art. Also Mom and I want to go to the UK for a vacation, because we want to see London and Scotland and Mom wants to go see the Coronation Street set. Plus it has been a long time since our last epic vacation.

So that’s exciting! I’m looking forward to meeting some of the other winners in Winnipeg, in particular people I have been long time fans of, and also old friends.

Also yesterday I finally saw PJ Harvey, which was awesome and I love her and I got to be in a big room with her. She’s an interesting live performer though because she doesn’t do much of any patter, like she is just there to sing the songs. She also introduced the band. But it was mainly song after song and no anecdotes or anything. And she didn’t sing my favourite song. Still good tho.

But then I got home and this person I have been spending time with told me we weren’t going further in a romantic/feelings/sexy sense. SO that was disappointing. And it has been a long time since I got rejected. Ha ha okay not that long. Like I got rejected last year too. And the year before that. And I am losing track of what happened before that. I do know that a few years ago on this day I unfriended my last actual lover because they didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. I mean, we were TECHNICALLY friends, just that I was on her restricted profile list for two years and I didn’t see anything changing about that. SAD! Ha ha shit anyway that popped up on my FB memories. Thanks, FB memories. That was a great memory. And I was trying NOT to talk about dating on here, but I feel like I may as well make a note of it. Because dating is brutal. ALSO because if fucking Carrie Bradshaw can write eloquent missives on Mr. Big why can’t I? Ha ha ha. OK but I still have a sense of privacy about dating. But I feel fine with letting you know I am sad and disappointed and disheartened because now I am in the position of needing to go out and find more first dates and facccccccckkkkk. I am such a shy guy and really it takes a while for me to open up to someone and it doesn’t go over well for like, making big showy impressions right off the bat. Like I could be totally fun and sexy, but you’re not going to know that if I’m nervous about showing what a big tender weirdo I am when I meet you. Socially anxious introvert dating sucks the big one.

There’s nothing wrong with being rejected though. I mean, of all the things to happen it’s really not the worst. I think the worst would be ending up in an abusive relationship and not knowing how to get out. Like once I was in an abusive relationship, and I remember I was at her house calling a friend to see if she wanted to hang out with us, and my girlfriend just GRABBED the phone out of my hand while I was talking to my friend and started talking to her herself. And I remember I felt SO WEIRDED OUT and I knew then something was wrong. And even later my friend who I had been talking to was like “That was really weird Thirza.” See that is bad! Being told it’s not going anywhere isn’t so awful. Not that the person who recently rejected me was a bad person, just that I can always think of ways things could be worse ha ha.

Anyway enough of that. Still waiting for this mean email about what a horrible person I am from another “friend” who needs to process about how angry they are that I set a boundary last month for three days when they kept posting inappropriate comments on a post of mine. Ahh shit! I hate interpersonal stuff.

The dogs are fine. I am fine. It’s my birthday soonish, so that’s kind of exciting. I will be 39. Which is a funny year because it’s the year everyone lies about when they are ashamed of being old. “I’m turning 39 ha ha ha!” No really, I am turning 39, and good riddance, I’ll be happy when I turn 40 next year and leave the 30’s behind. Next month is the awards ceremony where I get my cheque and can finally order my custom macbook.

Anyway, it’s Good Friday which is a holiday, except I need to work on my writing. So now that I wrote all this stuff I feel like I can turn to that.