It’s Tuesday. I had a busy weekend. What the fuck did I do? I went to a house show on Friday night, my friend was playing for the first time in their two bands. I had massive social anxiety though and left early. Then Saturday night my friend Riki and I went to see Beth Ditto play, and she was amazing, and has this great southern drawl, and we got to stand right against the stage and she looked into my eyes and sang to me and I was like okay this is amazing! I want to stand in front of the stage all the time!

Sunday was an AGM for Pleasure Dome, and it went really long. I didn’t expect it to last that long, and I had to miss a friend’s birthday dinner, which was too bad. BUT now I am on the board, which is cool.

I wrote and performed a reading on Monday night as part of a screening series at U of T called State Violence and Indigenous Resistance. I think it went well.

And now that all of that is done I’m back to my life, which means getting my ass in gear about writing this script. The first thing is doing a beat sheet, AGAIN. And my editor is like “Omg your main character has no job what does she do??” Which is true she needs substance. So I have to give her a life. Ha ha. She’s supposed to be younger, but also the editor liked a story I told on facebook about something that happened at a symposium I was at. So I am thinking of making her a blogger/activist of sorts. Except she has to make some kind of living at it. And it’s funny, because I literally have been a blogger for well over a decade and I’m not making a living at it.

Sometimes people cruise by here and scoop up my email and send me messages being like “I can help you monetize your blog!” or “You have weird content and if you wrote the way we describe you could make money!” and I’m like noooo this is a weird self indulgent artist project. Ha ha which I make no money on. BUT youtube bloggers seem to make money. I’m not a youtube blogger tho. I mean vlogger. Ugh whatever.

ANYWAY, the point is, people somehow make careers out of being activists with opinions, so I think that’s kind of the slant I want my character to have. But like, maybe a bit more creative than that. Anyway, I’ve been grappling with this so that I can write out my beat sheet in an interesting way. Right now I am doing laundry, but this afternoon I want to get a good chunk of writing in before boxing at 6pm.

I’ve been having crappy sleeps this last week, and apparently there was a solar storm which explains some of it. I even had to take Ativan three times this last week and a bit just to sleep properly. At first I thought it was because I have a fucked up life, but no, that’s not the ONLY reason I was sleeping badly. Lots of people were sleeping badly.

Sometimes I just come here to warm up my writing actually. Like I guess sometimes good thoughts come out, and sometimes it’s just bleeding out the bad, but often it’s just warm ups. Like vocal warm ups.

My mind is kind of all over today, and I took my Vyvanse so that’s not an excuse. I’m trying to refocus on my career, and some life stuff happened instead that distracted me for wayyyyyy too long with no real point to it. I mean I guess I could say I learned something about life and myself through the experience. But like, whatever, I’m tired of my life being a Degrassi High episode with a moral point to it. Ha ha ha. Like “You could have avoided this whole thing if you had been thinking clearly and more rationally.” UGH! I’m just so lead by my emotions. I blame the bipolar. Like my feelings are so fucking GIANT and when they start doing things it’s really hard to concentrate.

And I like reading my tarot cards, so I kept reading them for advice, and basically they just kept saying “Concentrate on your career!” And how I would be successful in my career if I stopped being all mopey about unrequited love situations and stuff. And they are probably right. It’s kind of depressing though, to have my cards be like CAREER and me being all “BUT I WANT A GIRLFRIEND!” Ugh. I mean I guess it’s good, people seem to like what I do, I like what I do, it’s interesting. I definitely know how to do it way better than the love thing. Sometimes people like me because of my career. I guess it’s a draw.

Ha ha anyway, long story short, my editor said I needed to put myself more in my script, and it’s true, like my character is not as multidimensional as she could be, the last draft she just had two goals really which was finding her mom and being in a relationship. AND that’s not enough for a life! And besides me, lots of Indigenous women/2 spirit folks are super career motivated. So honestly that should be reflected in my script. So many of us are in or went to university, there’s like a definite drive to be community involved and working in some capacity. So yeah. Write what you know!

I should get some lunch here. I’m starved! And I’ve blathered enough in this blog to feel like I warmed up.