Sooooooo I kind of made a major life decision the last few days. I think part of my desperation to get a partner has been so that I can move on to the NEXT part of my life where I have children and a family. And it was just not happening, and making me sad and frustrated, and I think I got wrapped up with people who want to flirt more than actually have relationships with me. Anyway I was upset about it sometime this week and like crying while writing in my diary about how I feel stuck and I just want to MOVE ON to the next part. And yeah my career is important, and that won’t stop, and I am in the midst of some major projects. But something snapped and I was like wait a minute! Why the fuck am I waiting for someone to come have a family with me? Like, it might never happen if I keep waiting around like this. And I’m just getting older, I turn 40 next month. Like it’s kind of a crucial thing that I have children pretty soon if I want to keep up with them. I don’t want to be 50 with a toddler. I have long living genes in my family, like people live into their 100’s and 90’s on both sides of my family. So I’m not worried about becoming decrepit really fast. So I feel like even tho I am older I can still do it.

Anyway, there are a lot of ways to end up with a baby. But I’ve really come to feel that I want my genetic material to live on, and it’s not just because I am egotistical, like it’s also got to do with being Plains Cree, and my family history, and the fact that so few of the people on my maternal side are going on to have children, and I feel like it’s kind of important that this line continues. Like there are some really nice attributes in our family that I just feel are important and I would like to see in a kid. And being able to tell a child about their family history and where they come from and who their ancestors were and how they survived hundreds of years of genocide just seems kind of important to me. I like that I know that stuff, and I think raising someone who knows all that is pretty cool too. And I also think about what kind of donor I want, and I kind of would like another Cree person/man to be the father/donor. And I have also thought more about who would be involved in this baby’s life, and I feel like being a single Mom in the future, and having a lot of queer parenting role models in my life, I think I would be open to that person being a co-parent. I mean, we would have to all be on the same page, and I don’t know how involved they would want to be.

SO long story short I got a referral to a fertility clinic to do egg retrieval and freezing. And I’m really not sure of the state of my eggs. I’m glad my doctor got me to start taking folic acid several months ago though, because that is supposed to be good for fertility. But I am 40 pretty quick here, and time is of the essence, and once they are retrieved and we know some/enough are viable, and they are frozen and stored, then it buys me a bit of time to find a surrogate.

So I was talking to my ex today because she has a kid, and we talked about babies and the first year and what surprised her and what she had to say about her experience, and she asked my timeline. And I am thinking about two years. Like it would give me time to negotiate with a donor and a surrogate and save money to pay for a bunch of this stuff. And it sounds expensive, but also Canada has rules against paying your surrogate, so it’s more like, paying for the costs of pregnancy like food and rent when they need to take time off work and life costs and that kind of stuff. And also Canada pays for health care so hopefully a lot of this will get covered. Anyway, I’m excited and like, kind of feeling way more sure than I expected I would.

The other thing was yesterday when I went to my doctor’s office for a referral to this clinic, I was so worried she would be a jerky gatekeeper or something and be like “You are too poor/single/disabled/whatever to have a child!” BUT she wasn’t at all! She was really excited and happy and totally pleased to refer me and I was so relieved. When I walked home I felt like I was walking on a cloud, and then when I got home and wrote about it in my diary I totally cried because it was like, the first big step, and easier than I had thought, and I wasn’t facing a major obstacle yet. And I know there are a lot of variables that could happen in the next couple of years, like my eggs might not be great, or they might be fine but when it comes time to get an embryo to implant it might not work, or there could be a miscarriage. I mean it could go off the rails at any point along here. And there are still options after that, like donor eggs, or adoption, all kinds of things. BUT I really want to try and see this through and see if I can make a small human out of my eggs.

It’s kind of ridiculous, like I didn’t want kids for so long, and then just the last few years have I suddenly started changing my mind. And I’m prepared for what early childhood is like, because I spent a good number of years living with a little kid who was going through all his developmental phases. And like, he wasn’t living with us full time, but he was around like, for days and sometimes weeks on end, so it’s not like he just would be at our house for a couple of hours at a time. And even tho it would be more convenient, I’m still kind of glad I would not be the person going through pregnancy, because I have fibroids so I got my endometrial lining out so it’s not possible anymore, and if I had been pregnant I would have had to go off my medication, and there would be a risk of post-partum depression or psychosis, and I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed because of my medication. And I just don’t want that, I’ve worked so hard to be stable this last eleven years. And yeah babies wreck sleep. BUT still, I think this way is better.

Anyway, doing this is more interesting than trying to get women to love me ha ha. OMG. I feel ridiculous for waiting so long just because I wanted a partner first. Like, whatever. I don’t want to base my life decisions on NEEDING someone else before I do something. It’s been really ineffectual and depressing. And there are way more options for queer co-parenting than having a romantic partner. Like obviously if I fell in love with someone who loved me back and wanted to be in a family with me I would still go for it and feel really happy about it. But this waiting is just really fucked up and insane. And there’s babies to be made!

And I’ve been having dreams about my son since I was 20. Like not EVERY night or anything, but definitely he has shown up in my dreams at different life stages and it’s always had a really positive tone to it. And I know I might end up with a girl, but something tells me I am gonna have a son. I mean also there are variables in gender like they could be trans or something. I dunno. But my psychic has also seen a little boy in my future. And she only started talking about my kids the last couple of times I have seen her. But she has seen them. She sees two actually, but one comes after the first one. So I don’t think they are twins. I don’t know, I haven’t dreamed about more than the son.

In some ways I still feel really young and unprepared, but I’m in a good place in my life, even tho I am single, and I am not young anymore, I’m in some positions of responsibility now, and I have been paying my bills and my rent on time this last while, and I’ve figured out sort of how to make a living. Like I’m ready, and in other ways I do recognize that. And I’ve done my crazy shit as a youth, and traveled a lot, and I don’t do drugs or drink anymore so I think I’m pretty healthy in those respects to have a child in my life.

Anyway yeah. I’ve been thinking about this a long time, and feeling defensive for a while about this future child and who will be involved in his life and who won’t and where I am making boundaries around him and where I have to let him go and make his own mistakes. And it’s been a really interesting inner process I’ve been going through over this.

So in those regards, this isn’t coming out of left field at all. I’ve had long conversations in email with a close friend about this kid over the last several months, whoever he turns out to be. Or she. I really don’t know. But I feel like I just gotta start and see what happens.

I feel kind of defensive about the whole thing, like if someone is gonna try and come piss on my dreams ha ha. But on the other hand, a lot of people on my friends list on fb are parents, and they seem to manage. And some of them are single. And a lot of them are queer. And I’m glad the fertility clinic I am going to is queer positive and single mom positive. So yeah! I’ve been talking about it with my Mom, and it’s so preliminary, we have talked about possibilities and stuff, and it’s like, I don’t want to assume this means I am gonna have a baby from one of my eggs. Because we just don’t know. But both of us want to see what happens, and I guess that’s as positive as anyone can be having kids after 40 when it’s this complicated.