So I went in for my ultrasound/bloodtests/shots today. Same shots, except now there is an additional shot I need to do in my stomach to keep my eggs from releasing. So that’s interesting. The nurse did it for me today, it’s such a thin needle I barely felt it at all. The intramuscular butt shot is more painful. So that’s good.

I finished my script and sent it in, for now, there is still more I want to do with it. It’s in process.

Today the ultrasound tech said “You’re doing it!” because my right ovary is being a champ at using it’s follicles. But my left ovary is slower, she called it lazy. And the doctor said my right ovary was dominant. And I did peek at my ultrasound of my right ovary on Wednesday and it looked VERY BUSY with follicles. I can’t read ultrasounds tho. Sometimes I’ll be sitting in the waiting room and I’ll start googling things like whatever med they are putting me on or what stimulated ovaries should look like on an ultrasound. Anyway, I need to take this shot in the stomach every day until they do the trigger shot I guess. I’m hopeful. The doctor said it was looking good.

This jerkface kind of made me mad last weekend because she found out I was doing fertility stuff and freezing eggs and she went off about how fertility declines after 37 and blah blah blah and like making it out like I have no hope in hell and am wasting money. And I thought it was an asshole move. I didn’t really know how to respond because it’s been a while since I’ve seen someone be that much of an asshole to me. Like I did a lot of research before coming to the conclusion of doing this to see if I can make a baby with my genes, and there are other options if this doesn’t work. But I didn’t like being treated like an infertile dumbass. Ugh. Worst ever.

Plus I’m in this weird situation, I don’t know, it’s like this weird feeling of wanting to be hopeful because positive vibes blah blah you never know and if you go into this thinking bad thoughts then maybe it won’t happen. And then it’s like balanced with this trying to be realistic and prepared for any outcome. It’s kind of like standing in the middle of a teetertotter. Like hopeful but not too hopeful, optimistic but realistic. It’s very strange. I’d like to just be hopeful and think the best thoughts about this. But I’ve had just enough of a shitty life to know things don’t always work out.

There’s sort of this weird magical thing going on with fertility and it seems to be like a combination of luck and destiny. And I know I am constrained by my finances. I can’t do this over and over like some people. They do give discounts on a second cycle. But the drugs would be the same amount of money. And I’m just not sure, like maybe I’ll get lucky and the odds will be in my favour and I’ll get one good egg that surpasses the others and completes all the hurdles to become a human. Maybe not. Sometimes I have a good feeling about it. Other times I’m really nervous and unsure. I want to know if it’s gonna work, but really I won’t know until next year when we try fertilizing them and implanting. And I gotta figure out cash for a surrogate. Which is a pretty steep amount of money. Like you never really know, things could work out. Or I could fall in love with someone who likes being pregnant. I mean anything could happen.

I wish my left ovary was being more useful. It was the one that had a cyst removed from it. So it’s probably been knocked back by that. It hurts when they do the ultrasound and check that side. I’m not sure if that’s because of my fibroid, or because it’s just a whiny baby ovary. Could be anything. I mean the good thing is my right side is doing awesome. I have a good feeling about that side. The right side doesn’t hurt when they ultrasound it.

Both my ovaries are getting bigger though and I can feel my abdomen getting more sensitive. I was bending over sideways (on poor Lefty) and I was in pain. I have to be more careful. I hope we get some good eggs out of my ovaries. They don’t tell me the stats, like they don’t say “You have five follicles on your right side and two tiny ones on the left” or anything. And I’ve never been able to look at my ultrasound long enough to count them myself. I did see one that seemed to have a number of follicles, but they were all way smaller than the ones I had seen on the right side on Wednesday. I don’t know if they shrink or if those are the lazy lefties.

Last night my friend Riki and I watched Hereditary. I think the funniest part of it was how she was trying to work to a deadline for an art show and all these awful things kept happening in her life. Like deaths and possessions and all kinds of fucked up shit. And she kept writing post it notes to herself that seemed kind of ridiculous to me, like one was “Ask for extension?” and it’s like yeah if you are working to a deadline on a major show I’m pretty sure you don’t need to write a pitiful post it note to remind yourself you might need more time. Anyway, it reminded me of life. Like trying to be an artist/filmmaker and my life is happening at the same time and all kinds of random things can happen like my foot busting and trying to make a baby and I’m still trying to complete projects on time. At least I haven’t written myself post it notes being like “Keep working!”