So it’s almost Christmas I guess. I’m heading home on Monday, HOME being Saskatoon. Which really isn’t home anymore, but I still call it that cause I lived there for three quarters of my life almost. So yeah that’s like… home.

I’m not really writing this to reflect on Saskatoon though. I’ve recently gotten back into wearing a packer. It’s interesting. I haven’t worn this thing since I lived in Saskatoon. It’s a medium sized Mr. Limpy from Fleshlight, but I keep calling it Mr. Linty since that’s all it collects. ALSO for Godssakes, the thing is so big. I can’t imagine what a LARGE Mr. Linty looks like. Probably way too big for my pants. This thing is almost too big now.

I’ve been wearing them just tucked in my underwear for ages. I mean before my years long break of not packing. And there’s always this moment when I’m taking down my underwear to have a pee when they kind of do a flop/roll onto the floor or down my pant leg or whatever.

They changed how WordPress does a text post and I can’t tell you how annoying it is right now.

ANYWAY….

I ordered two different packer pouches finally. Cause it was always on my mind to try one and see if it improves life. And the first one came today, it’s a Joey Pouch with eggplants on it, super cute. And it doesn’t come across as being particularly sexy or anything. But with my dick in there, and pinned to the right spot in my underwear, it actually looks good. For the first time I didn’t feel like I had to worry about it falling or slipping. And it looks like, normal, where it sits I mean. Cause it’s more natural, and before I would just guess at where a dick sits (I have very limited experience with real flesh dicks!) and also they would kind of slouch over to one side inevitably anyway like a passed out drunk. Like yeah, unruly dicks.

Anyway, this feels good. I wore it today when I went out to do a couple errands, went to the post office and a christmas store and the corner store. Feeling all the while like there’s some giant neon arrow pointing to my dick. But no one stared or said anything. Even though I id as fairly masculine, I still have a lot of feminine markers like wearing pink and having nail polish and having bright colours that are typically found in “women’s fashion.” Like I’m still wearing jeans and boots, but also I’m so obviously a girl. And it doesn’t bother me because a big part of me still id’s as a woman. Gender is so weird. Anyway, I was worried the dick would throw people off and make me even more obviously trans or some kind of pervert, all of which I AM but you know, I just want to pass through the world with my dick tucked away undisturbed by others. 

I’m going to be trying out another packer strap, it’s being sent to my Mom’s because I’m going there on Monday. So I will let you know how that goes.

I’m probably gonna take it off before I do the airport thing. I don’t want to deal with having an “anomaly.” I know I have some privilege being able to hide away some obviously genderqueer parts of myself without getting majorly dysphoric. But yeah….

It is really nice though to have a dick. I wore it for three days in a row (back when it was still acting like a wobbly drunk falling over all the time) and the fourth day I didn’t wear it and felt super weird, like part of me was missing. 

Packers are funny. I know it probably sounds weird to want a dick when it’s too limp to even do anything with anyway. I’d have to do a Superdyke dick change in a bathroom with a stiffer one and a harness before I could come back and fuck someone properly. But there’s still something nice about being able to squeeze something that feels like I really have a dick. 

I think so much of my gender just exists in my head. I try to express it but honestly it’s so complicated and fluid all of the time.

I don’t want a binder though. It’s like… I just like my breasts. I know everyone has their own relationship to their body, and everyone’s is valid. But I want to champion the idea of masculine breasts that aren’t necessarily flat or bound. I want bigger chests like mine to just be thought of as a variation on masculinity. I dunno, it’s complex. If I could walk around like a guy with my top off I would, but I don’t want to get surgery just so I can do that. In the meantime I’m just trying to wear more low cut things to show off my tattoo.

Mostly all this gender stuff is doing is to make me comfortable and hopefully express to the right person what kind of human I am and that I’m the one they want. I don’t know who that person is. I’m single but I’m not desperate. I’m sure at some point the pieces will fit and I’ll find someone who I would like to grope me and my packer.

I have a new packer coming! It’s called Pierre or something like that, it’s made by New York Toy Collective and it’s uncircumsized ha ha. I had to send the one I got in the mail today back (I accidentally ordered two) but it looks like a much more reasonable size than my GIGANTOR Mr. Linty.