I haven’t written here for 8 days, that seems like a long time. Anyway, I don’t really know what to write today. I have some work I need to do and I slept in because I was having an interesting dream about being in a crashing dirigible with my Mom and Steven. And then dreaming of being at this lesbian breakup ceremony/party where one of the people busting up accused an audience member of murdering their love by tempting their partner away from them. And I was just like “Yikes drama” and left the party and woke up.

I’m kind of tired of getting crushes on partnered people. It’s a special kind of hopelessness, even in polya situations, to know that the person you like has already centred someone in their life and there’s never going to be space for you as a serious partner. Ugh fuck so depressing. Even if I am a good catch, that person has already caught someone. And especially not productive when you are someone who has access to affordable housing and wants to move into a larger unit already and have a family. Cause no one wants to do that with someone they see on the side. And also none of these crushes I have had actually want children anyway. Which is also a pretty big issue. And my time is running out for government funded assisted reproduction, because it ends at 43 and I am 41.

I know lots of other people feel pressure to find The One for having a family with. And last year I was all fuck it I’m not gonna wait anymore. But now I’m back to waiting. It’s a weird life.

Anyway I have a fancy film gig I am working on right now but you won’t know what it is for like, another month, when they announce it. Which is fine, I guess. But it’s what I have to work on today. And I got tickets to go see the Distillers tonight, but I’m going alone. Which is whatever. I don’t mind going to concerts alone because it’s fine to watch things like that without someone next to me. But it’s like, maybe not as fun, and I was surprised when I was looking for someone on FB to come with me that none of my friends were interested. I was like omg but it’s the Distillers how can you not be into this? I dunno.

I’m glad that since I have moved to Toronto I have seen a lot of live music. It wasn’t always like this, in Saskatoon I saw a lot of small bands that came through places like Amigos. But like some of the bands I was a super fan of, they wouldn’t really come through. And definitely not bigger musicians like PJ Harvey and Tori Amos. And Janelle Monae.

Anyway I mean overall life is fine. I’m sure that family thing will work out eventually, just probably not with the people I am talking to.