I think I’m ready for more magical things to happen in my life. I feel like I’ve concentrated on my career for so long. I mean I am still going to keep working hard and stuff. But I think I’m ready to feel things like love and desire and so on in a more concrete way. But it’s not even that, it’s more like wanting to feel more connected to nature, and plant life, and that sort of thing. And being open to the mysteries of life.

I quit doing spells this last year because I kind of fucked myself over with a couple of spells that brought in a confusing relationship and then ended it suddenly which I intended but not in a great way. And I just didn’t think I did it right, and I hadn’t intended it to be that person, I didn’t know who it was gonna be but it picked the wrong person, I don’t know. I guess it wasn’t meant to be. I’m trying to be more open to trusting that the universe has something better in mind for me. Like maybe I don’t need to do those sorts of spells that end up hurting everyone involved by accident. Like maybe there is something wiser and older and more experienced that I can trust to be helping me somehow.

I don’t think I need to do love spells anymore. And I haven’t. They always backfired in some spectacular way. I think I’m curious now about who is going to show up for me. My friend has a theory that weird shit happens because of these white women doing witchy spells without knowing what they are conjuring up and in a sense I understand that and think it’s a main reason I’ve been trying to bring my spiritual practices closer to Plains Cree beliefs than Euro-Pagan ones. I’ve got some white sage. But I’ve been reading about how harvesting is endangering it, and how it’s specific to the Indigenous people around that area anyway. So I’m going to be growing some prairie sage plants, and hopefully some sweetgrass too. And I’ve been trying to use sweetgrass more in my smudging. It’s part of my tribe’s medicines so I feel comfortable with it. It doesn’t smell as nice as the white sage but I think that’s just because I got used to white sage and have forgotten my connection with sweetgrass.

I grew up going to sweatlodges a lot as a kid. I was doctored by my Uncle and Auntie when I first started getting depressions. I am not in my territory though, so I’m not sure how to connect with my ceremonies beyond maybe attending some when I go home this summer. I’ve never been great at praying, like I just think good thoughts when I do it but I don’t have like, specific words I say or anything. I dunno, my connection to spirituality is wibbly I guess you could say. I believe in the Plains Cree spirits and beings that I know of. But besides getting messages in dreams, I don’t do a lot of stuff. I suppose I put out offerings though.

I don’t really know what it would look like to be more spiritual in a Cree way without seeing an actual medicine person. I’ve just been smudging and putting tobacco down sometimes. Maybe I should ask my Uncle. It’s not like I don’t know Cree medicine people, they are just far away from me. I’m sure there’s someone in town though, Toronto is huge and there’s Crees everywhere.

I feel like someone is going to love me for the rest of my life. And there is even someone who loves me right now. I’m just trying to figure out my relationship with magic and destiny, and how the Plains Cree worldview ties into all of that. I know who my spirit animal is, I’ve spoken with ancestors in dreams twice in the last few months. I feel like I am safe to explore this. I think Indigenous magic is something we don’t talk about a lot outside of our communities because settlers ridicule us when we do because they are colonizers. OR they try to take it and recreate it without us. It’s very strange.

Anyway, I remember when I was in some really dark periods I felt supported by Plains Cree spiritual beliefs and practices. I just want to get in touch with it again. And not to do some crazy love medicine shit. More to feel aligned with my soul’s purpose.