Ha ha this a ridiculous post, I just haven’t written in a while.

I have been spending time with an editor for a project and we were having this interesting conversation about romances in our lives, and she said something like “oh you must have broken hearts.” And I was like “No, not really.” But then I’m like geez, maybe I am just SUPER UNAWARE of doing shady heartbreaking shit. I mean breaking hearts is not always shady, sometimes it just happens and you can’t avoid it. Like if you just aren’t interested in someone and they really like you.

It sort of reminds me of this one time I body slammed a white man.

I didn’t mean to. I was walking in a crowd on Robson Street, and I saw him coming, and he was half turned talking to his friend, just walking without looking. I had too many people around me to get out of the way. So I just kept walking and braced myself and totally body slammed him. Like I guess I could have shouted something like “look out!” or “beep beep!” but I am a shy person so honestly body slamming him felt easier than opening my mouth to warn him. He was fine, he bounced off me and kept going. I don’t think he even said “HEY!” he was so surprised I didn’t automatically get out of his way.

Anyway, sometimes breaking hearts is like that, I think. Like you just sigh and have to keep it in motion even though you know you’re gonna hurt someone by not being into them too. And it’s not like people can get their emotions out of the way, so you can’t go like “Look out!” or “beep beep!” and save them. They just have to go home and do the same thing I do when my heart is breaking, write in their diaries and cry a lot. Ugh no one likes that, even if it is some kind of tragic romantic thing to process your feelings. Even if you can be relieved that at least you have the potential to love someone that much.

OR WORSE sometimes you are TOTALLY NUTSO into someone and things just get miscommunicated, or they don’t put enough effort in, and the moment slips through your fingers even if they are also down for it. I feel like that happens with me sometimes. Like I try to be really clear when I am into people, but at a certain point I honestly have to give up for my own dignity. Like it just feels suckass to chase people all the time. I like being met halfway. But honestly if they let it get to that point, they probably aren’t as into me as they would need to be to have a healthy relationship anyway. And I don’t really want to date people who could do without me. Lacklustre feelings are not the ones I want someone to have for me.

ANYWAY point being, I guess I probably have broken hearts, just because life goes that way. It’s funny though cause I really do want to have a long term relationship with someone I can live with and have a family. So like, having people be into me and not feeling it back must look like a waste or something. But I would hate to be with someone who isn’t excited to be with me, and so I don’t want to be with people I’m not excited about either. That’s not fair. And there are so many bad long term relationships where people hang on even when they aren’t in love or being treated well anymore, and I’m just like, not gonna have one of those.

Ha ha Thirza’s theories on love.

BUT I did realize something recently from our conversation today. There’s a weird dynamic that happens if you are a successful person in your career and you date someone who is not also successful at the same level in their career. Not like you need to be in the same line of work, but I’ve been in relationships where I was more successful than my partner, and it breeds resentment, and sort of an unpleasant competitiveness. It can be bad. I am sure not every relationship with differences in success have those problems. But I have had those problems, and it’s depressing when you realize your lover feels threatened because of your career. Like it’s just, ugh. Be happy for me! I want a relationship where someone can tell me some cool thing they are doing and I can be happy for them, and they can be happy for me because I did some other cool thing. I think maybe this is where power couples come from. It just makes sense.

I have been going on dates the last while, but I am still looking for the other half of a grounded power couple I can be in to raise babies with. Who will be interested enough to watch rough cuts of my films, and come with me to premieres, and do whatever interesting exciting thing they love for work. I dunno, maybe they are a lawyer and can bring me to their office Christmas party. Who knows! Ha ha I was gonna write “maybe they are a musician” and then I thought about how much those people tour for their work and I was like NOOOO maybe not. Aww ha ha so of course now it would be hilarious if my future partner is like, taking a break from recording her breakout single, reading this and being all “AWwwww dammit.”

I’m trying to be open to life! I don’t know what’s gonna happen! Maybe my future partner is a nerd with a PhD who teaches string theory, I honestly don’t know! Or maybe she’s a cool PhD who wrote a dissertation on 70’s lesbian communes! I don’t know! Life is always full of surprises.

Hopefully I don’t get body slammed by more heartbreak, but yeah it’s probably coming soon anyway. By accident.

Look out! Beep beep!