It’s been a long time since I wrote here! I had a massive adventure in Berlin this last month which I just never talked about here. It seems like a bad time to talk about it now though because I’m concerned about the pandemic, and it’s affecting my life in specific ways that feel more immediate than talking about being in the Berlinale. Hopefully at a later date when I feel up to remembering some good times, I can tell you about Berlin, but that day is not today.

SO I had to go to Ottawa last week for work, and I came back on Saturday, being super nervous because I was watching things get more serious and worrying that air travel would be stopped for a while. And I was on Porter coming back, so I got to go through Billy Bishop which is a smaller airport and not such a concern as Pearson which has had some COVID 19 people in there.

Honestly today though it feels like it’s everywhere.

I came back wanting to see a date, but we can’t because I need to self isolate after Ottawa. I have been super careful, I did go to a few stores when I came back, on Saturday I think. But I’ve stayed home since, and it’s been okay. I did watch Contagion on Netflix tho which was a bad idea. I had a nightmare about hearing coughing everywhere.

I am trying to get to a point where I can see certain people after this self isolation, but both of those people are immunocompromised and also close friends so even when I am not self isolating, I still have to social distance to a HUGE degree to keep them safe.

My Mom has a dry cough, and a runny nose. The nurse she called said it’s probably a cold. It’s so nerve wracking this whole thing.

I was going to go back to the fertility clinic and get eggs retrieved and fertilized this summer, but now honestly I’m just thinking about getting the ones I already have fertilized and just seeing what happens with that. It’s the last year I am eligible for funded IVF. I am aware that the choice to try and make my own biologically related baby might be taken out of my hands with the circumstances being what they are. I emailed the clinic and they said they are still open but only taking essential people, like I assume people already in the middle of a cycle. They told me to check back in a couple of weeks and see what is going on. It’s really thrown me for a loop. Also I was gonna have to pay $6000 for fertility medication if I do another cycle, so if I only use the eggs I have now, I just need to pay $4000 for genetic testing. But I only have ten or thirteen eggs. I think ten good eggs anyway. Which is only so so statistically for getting a live birth. Ugh.

Also I had a psychic reading recently, from a new psychic cause I was curious and my old one is semi retired. And she was seeing me adopting or having this five year old boy come into my life, and someone who is a baby when they show up. And I’m starting to wonder again about adopting and if this situation is making that a more sensible option. I mean honestly if this gets as bad as I think it’s gonna get, it might be my only option in the end.

Ahhh and my Instacart guy brought me veal instead of chicken. It has a sticker on it saying it’s like, humanely raised or something, but I’m still like omg I’ve tried to avoid veal forever! Jesus Christ the food still left on Instacart is either like “canned brown mushrooms” or “Lobster tail.” Like it is a weird range of foods. I’m gonna be glad when the stores restock and people realize it’s not gonna be empty shelves forever.

I think the other thing about potentially not doing another IVF cycle is that I’m a self employed artist, so people pay me for gigs and contracts. Already I lost $2500 for a residency that isn’t happening now. So like, is now the time to spend $6000 on something I am not sure will give me a baby? I know it would increase my chances of having a baby, but like, that is money I need to live on. I am still gonna spend $4000 on the testing but like, yeah, it seems right now that doing another IVF cycle is not the way to go.

Life is so confusing and like, things unexpectedly change SO FUCKING MUCH! I didn’t think even a few days ago that I would need to cancel doing an IVF cycle. But now? Yup. I’m slowly getting food back in the house, and I had to get the place fumigated while I was in Berlin, so most of my food got chucked at that time. And now of course these staples are in short supply because people are panic buying.

I am thinking about art I want to make though. I have projects I was working on anyway. I could do some other things. I know people are like “Don’t work while you are quarantined!” but honestly I like my job and I am taking it easy but I don’t want to do nothing or I’ll be bummed out and even more depressed. If I can’t kiss my date at least I could be creative which also makes me happy.

Plus I have to work on a short script, because we got funds to make a short film, but are going to do some rewrites while we wait for the film Industry to get back to normal.

The film Industry is shut down basically. No one is having their productions. I had to cancel a shoot and change my plane ticket to July, HOPING I have the ability to travel and go do that shoot. We’ll see.

I am really glad I have my own production and editing equipment though. I didn’t even think about how I needed to be prepared for a pandemic though, I just thought it would be a good idea to have for my own personal use. I like having my own gear, it lets me do shoots whenever I want.

Anyway. Yeah I have a whole kit really. I know how to use it all. I know how to edit. I’m uniquely equipped to make my own films right now.

So there are things I feel sad about losing, or like, knowing I am going to lose them. Like, people really. People who will drift out of my life, people who will die. People I can’t make because I can’t get to the fertility clinic or use money I really need to live on. I’m worried about my friends who are immunocompromised. I’m worried about my Mom who has a cough.

And yet at the same time I’ve gone into this weird survival mode, which right now doesn’t involve crying. I mean these would normally be things I cry over. I did cry a couple nights ago about something else. But even though I think I can see where this is going, I’m not crying yet. I mean maybe sometimes things are so bad you can’t even cry about it. Until later.

Then again I haven’t written in my diary for a while, and writing in my diary is usually what makes me cry super hard.