So I’ve been thinking what to write about here. And I think there was this pressure I felt under for a few years with biology and when can I fertilize these eggs and who is gonna carry them and there’s only so many years until I can’t do this. And then that choice got totally taken away this summer and I’ve just been like, hmm. Interesting.
I think it is changing how I am seeing dating for one thing. Like before I felt like “I must find the mother of my children like RIGHT NOW before it’s too late!” And since all this happened I’ve been looking into adoption which has NO age limit. And that really changes things. Cause it could be years before I find the right person and like yeah it’s not ideal to have small children when I am 50 but also maybe I don’t have a choice about that. Anyway, I am trying to put aside making a family and focus more on falling in love with someone. Cause I have very little control over things right now.
I do want to settle down. But like, most of my relationships expire after two months so I don’t really know what to do about that. Is it who I’ve been choosing? Do I need to get off Tinder? I feel kind of alienated from love just because of my previous life history, which isn’t a great feeling to take into new relationships. I think there’s just been this ongoing feeling of unrequited love that has dogged me for years and it’s like, ew. Gross. I mean there was someone I love who still says I love you to me, we just didn’t work out. But most relationships, I dunno. I mean the thing is most relationships weren’t even really relationships. They were more like one or two night stands. Which is really fucking boring sex cause I like like 100 ways of fucking but in one or two nights you can only get through like, four or five ways. And then also just having someone being emotionally present, like that would be nice. Also I haven’t cum with a partner until like, very recently and that was a Skype date. I’m just someone who needs time with someone before I can be fully there. So that’s also frustrating.
I dunno. It’s also the worst time to date because of COVID. Like normally I’d be going on a bunch of first dates (and I rarely get second dates cause I’m too shy) but now it’s not really safe to spend time with a bunch of different people. So I do have a hang out with someone cute coming up, like it’s not all doomy around here. But it’s just changed things a lot. I feel sometimes like dating is a numbers game and you just have to meet a bunch of people until you find someone with a spark. But now I can’t do that. I dunno it’s weird.
And then I find I have unresolved emotions about past lovers that really need to be felt so they can get put behind me. Like, one of them didn’t want to get to know me, and it hurt, and I’m still trying to understand that so I can get over it. And I can’t understand it, she just wasn’t interested in knowing me so there’s nothing that would make her miss me or want to be with me. I’m literally just someone famous she had sex with in a sleazy hotel. And I know cause I’ve heard stories from friends about famous people they fucked that it’s not like they were really interested in getting to know those people either, they are kind of just a good story for later. So it’s weird being that person for someone. I’m sure she doesn’t even talk about me though. And it’s also awkward because we have some of the same friends. So now I feel weird being around those friends.
Very strange.
And then there’s just other random heartbreaks that have happened with other people and I can kind of understand that Spotless Sunshine Mind thing because I almost wonder if it’s better to have that zapped out of your mind so you don’t still try to send them texts to see how they are doing. But then there are good things about having been with those people too. I don’t know. I have friends who will delete all the photos and all the numbers and block them on all social media and I’m just not one of those people. But would it be better if I was? I don’t know.
I’m glad I’m off substances. This seems like the kind of maudlin train of thought that would have lead me to drinking a six pack and smoking so much weed I couldn’t move. Oh man. Today I had a sense memory of smoking cigarettes while drinking coffee and then I’ve just been trained so much by all the concurrent disorders groups I went to to “play the tape to the end” and then I’m remembering my desk with an overflowing ashtray and the haze of smoke and the yellow stains of nicotine everywhere. Oh man gross!
If I can think that way about physical addictions, I don’t know why I can’t start thinking that way about my romantic failures. Like, yeah that person didn’t want to get to know me. But also she was threatened by me being honest about being hurt by something, and that’s not the kind of person who is safe for someone with a mood disorder to date. Like just think about that, that is such a logical reason to move on. I don’t know why I end up making it all complicated.
I think another thing is not being loved by someone who DID get to know me really well. I feel like a little kid being like “But I’m loveable, I don’t understand why you don’t feel this too.” I mean I can’t MAKE people say I love you or anything. And maybe she just doesn’t say that to exes. Like what am I trying to prove? I am still loveable whether she felt it or not.
It is also weird going through all these thoughts and trying to be open to new romance cause I’ve felt like people don’t understand that I could be sad about an ex but still very much capable of falling in love with them wholeheartedly. Like these are not BRAND NEW heartbreaks. They’re just old shit I am writing about so I can work through it and move on.
OH GOD but writing this post about looking for love again makes me cringe too cause I can hear all the unsolicited advice I am going to receive like “You have to stop looking and then you’ll find it!” First of all shut up. That’s the worst advice! I’m 42, I’ve tried not looking, I’ve tried dating apps, I’ve tried looking for people in real life, like I just don’t think someone can give me advice that is gonna work. And I’m not looking for advice either. I’m just writing a post about my complicated emotions these days. Unsolicited advice is the bane of my existence. And it’s also really patronizing for me to hear and makes me feel like you think I’m an idiot.
I was trying to talk about a break up a few months ago with a friend and she started giving me unsolicited advice and I told her I didn’t want it and then she told me I couldn’t talk about my break up then. So I stopped talking to her. I mean we’ve talked since, but I know I can’t process my feelings with her anymore.
Most of the time I just write through stuff here. I’ve avoided it recently because I didn’t know what to say. And because my career is taking off so people are coming here more for my film stuff. And this experimental blog is like, kind of treated in a weird way by people when they find it. Like, some people think I’m gonna tell all their secrets on it or something, even tho I’ve tried to keep it very naval gazey.
There is a lot of really interesting stuff going on in my career but it seems like a bad move to tack it onto the end of this complicated emotions post. Maybe I will post career stuff later.