I am looking forward to getting vaccinated. I’ve been waiting so long. The Ontario government says Urban Indigenous people in areas like mine that have high COVID rates are supposed to get vaccinated later this January. So of course I started acting like I was gonna become the community fucktoy when all my shots are done and my immune system has kicked in. BUT to be honest that’s probably not a good idea (the community fucktoy part I mean) just because we still have to distance and stuff until the transmissions go down among the population. ALSO even tho I went through a super horny period this last few weeks, I honestly get too up in my emotions when I am having sex with someone to be the community fucktoy. Like I would prefer to be one person’s fucktoy, and I don’t know who that person is.

I know who I wish I could be with but I just feel really lost about hoping for that to happen again. AND also I am having super raunchy fantasies right now, but I still want to be all in love and stuff. Raunchy love. I don’t know why I feel like it can’t happen both ways. Like can someone just spit in my mouth and say I love you to me? It seems so simple when I write it that way.

And yet I know some really intense sexy/kinky stuff can happen with someone who is also respectful and kind because there’s someone I play with who is like that with me (we are not dating tho) so it’s not this totally unreasonable thing to want. And like, ok yeah I could get into all my kinks but they are complicated and there are a lot of them and that’s not even what this post was supposed to be about.

This post was supposed to be about getting vaccinated.

I keep checking online for when it will be my turn to go in and be immunized. But people are worried the vaccines aren’t getting done fast enough, which made ME worried they won’t get to us by January. But who knows. I just have to trust the process I guess.

I want to go home and visit Saskatchewan when I get immunized, because I haven’t been there in well over a year, and I miss my friends and family. And I want to take a few more risks. I mean, I will probably still wear a mask because it makes people feel safer and also because we don’t know if vaccinated people can transmit it still. BUT I would at least start taking transit again. And seeing friends when lockdowns ease up.

I am trying so hard to be careful and I just want to do what I want again. Like, I miss Tinder dates even tho they were kinda getting shitty because of the pandemic. And I think it would be nice to be able to date other vaccinated people. and kiss people again. And see now we are getting back to my crazy fantasy of being the community fucktoy which is definitely preferable as a fantasy for me than reality.

Why did I name this post “Shots Shots Shots” instead of “Community Fucktoy”? To be honest I didn’t see this going this way when I sat down to write this. But I guess it is so I may as well lean into it.

I got a crush on a porn star I have never met this month. Like, I just saw this really hot psych ward role play scene she did and then ended up subscribing to the company she did a lot of work on. And she’s just this super cute super hot tall femme with a really regular body. And pubes which I like. And her breasts are just the usual, but nice, but not like giant or anything. OMFG yes also she has short nails, most of the time. For sure in her lesbian scenes anyway cause she likes fisting. I’ve never actually been a fan of a porn star before. She doesn’t even work in porn anymore, she went off to have a family. But anyway, I realized I really like lesbian FemDom porn, which I mean it’s kinda shitty I never thought to go looking specifically for it since that’s ACTUALLY the kind of sex I like. Mostly I was watching straight porn which is visually interesting and readily available, BUT not as sexy as this stuff I’ve finally started watching.

Also a lot of other lesbian porn I tried to get into was just not kinky enough for me, to be honest.

ALSO this porn star likes to talk a lot while fucking, which is really appealing for me, in real life as well. So it’s nice hearing the things she says. I think I actually learned more about myself by watching a lot of her lesbian scenes. Sometimes she subs too, which is also cute AND ALSO makes me feel toppy.

I think I might be a part time sadist which is INTERESTING because I never thought of myself that way before. But if this year has taught me anything it’s that there is definitely a toppy side to me that I haven’t explored as much as I would like to.

I still need to bottom at least half the time tho.

Anyway, I probably will never meet this porn star, BUT I definitely have more ideas about how I want to have sex in the future. Which is kinda cool. I like having new ideas.

ALSO the porn scenes always have a beginning where they talk with people about what is gonna happen in the scene, and then they have a part after where they debrief and check in. And it’s just really good communication. I’m learning that I need to be more specific about what I want to do, and that I need to just straight up ask if people want to do such and such. Cause I am sure I have been with lovers who are honestly as kinky as me, but we didn’t communicate a lot about it so we didn’t know that we could go there with each other.

That’s kind of an issue with a lot of my past relationships though. I’m getting better at communicating but it’s hard and sometimes it triggers other people, especially things that seem like conflict. And sometimes I get triggered, especially around rejection. I think I have trust issues too. And I need to forgive certain exes. And I AM forgiving certain exes, which is good.

This fall I got a new therapist who has been amazing for me. We talk a lot about my recurring issues with chasing emotionally unavailable women. Because fuck does it ever happen a lot. Anyway, I finally feel like we are getting somewhere. I’m actually deliberately trying not to date because I know I need to work on this stuff. So in a way, waiting to be vaccinated before going on dates again has given me a good window to just work on myself.

And discover new more interesting porn I guess.

plus if I have to wait for other people to be vaccinated too before dating, maybe it will give me an even longer window of just working on myself.

ALSO I have realized even though intellectually I know I am a masochist, I have a hard time putting it into words, and I have a hard time being honest with people that I am looking for a sadist, or that I play with a sadist. It’s so ridiculous, I think it’s just that people have a lot of baggage when it comes to those words. And sadists sound like people who go out non-consensually hurting people BUT THAT’S NOT TRUE. Consent is still all a part of that, or the dynamics I am involved with are consenting anyway. So yeah, I think it’s also related to what I mentioned earlier about feeling like raunchy sex and love can’t go together. Like, I want a sadist who will fall in love with me. But also I guess a switch so that I can be a sadist sometimes. I don’t know why these conversations are so hard for me to have with potential lovers. it’s complicated.

I haven’t talked with my therapist much about my kink issues. But she does know I am looking for a Femme top so I think she is aware, and she is queer also soooooo. yeah. Maybe this is something to bring up in therapy. I think it definitely cockblocks me at times. Like, what if these people I’ve had one night stands with don’t know there are also these dozens of other things I like doing and we just never got around to it, so they think I am terribly vanilla? Or what if they think I must be into poo eating or something super extreme that I am not into, and go “Oh man she’s too much for me.” AHHHHHHH.

Lmao I don’t think poo eating is COVID safe.

I am sorry you were lured to this post with the promise of discussing vaccination.