I am trying to get back into some kind of… I dunno. Feeling of normalcy I guess. I mean I know things aren’t normal. But I used to actually care about my appearance and dress, and it’s just been like, t shirt times for ages. I’m starting to wear button up shirts again when I do certain zoom events. But I am starting to think I might do it more often, just because. Just to feel like I care about myself again.

One way I have started to take care of myself is by wearing a bra again. It probably sounds silly, but I was wearing shirts without a bra for weeks/months, and I have kind of had enough of it. It was nice to feel free for a while. But there’s something that is kind of reassuring about wearing a bra. Especially having larger breasts, even tho it’s winter and I wear a coat outside, without a coat people can see me kind of jiggling and it makes me self conscious. I don’t want to get top surgery. And I like my breasts in particular. But I just feel more secure with a bra.

So strange.

I was talking with my therapist about my loneliness in our last session. I’ve been so strict for so long and other people have been visiting and having fun and I was wondering if I was being too safe. And wondering what damage I was doing to myself by being alone for this long. And she said the thing about trauma is it’s not really something you can process while it’s happening, and we are in a state of collective trauma right now. So I guess I won’t know until later this year when things are better, when most people have their shots. Canada is going to end up going right to September to get people inoculated, so it’s going to take a while.

I think it’s also a really weird time to be having a sexual awakening, when I can’t really do anything about it. Like I feel like all these kinky puzzle pieces are falling into place in my mind and I really want to find another play partner but one who can also have sex with me. And potentially to start a relationship with. And I’m really confused about how to find someone. Like there is porn about the things I like to do, so obviously there is a market of people into these things. And really it’s not outrageous kink stuff, like it’s pretty reasonable raunchy sexy kink. So technically there shouldn’t be such a difficulty finding someone. But I’ve been going about this the wrong way and having more vanilla sex with partners and hoping to angle it more into kinky sex and then it just usually doesn’t get there.

I belong to a BDSM subreddit and I tried to ask a question about how to find appropriate kinky play partners, but the auto moderation kept catching it and I gave up. I tend to be auto moderated out of any posts I’ve made on reddit so mostly I lurk there and it’s kinda frustrating. I know why they make things difficult but really, it’s frustrating.

It’s not even like I could go to a play party and find someone right now, because no one is running play parties (or if they are it’s a fucking bad idea). I mean technically I could make a personals ad and at least start talking to someone. But I feel like it wouldn’t make sense, when we can’t even meet up right now.

Anyway back to the being safe. I am tempted to take risks, BUT the situation is pretty bad right now, and from what I hear hospitals in Ontario are going to have to start making decisions about who to treat and who to turn away as soon as February. Which is really soon. And I am chubby, and Indigenous, and I know I’m not gonna be a high priority on any doctor’s list. Like I just know that. So, I’m in the stage 1 group for the vaccine, so it could be anytime between now and May that I am up to get vaccinated. And like, yes that is a long window of time. BUT in the worst case scenario I just need to hang on to being super strict until May. And yeah I know I gotta wear my mask and stuff for longer, but at least maybe I would go on transit again.

I am gonna wait to make a personal ad until I finish getting vaccinated. Whenever that is. I am thinking a lot about how to word it. Like, my therapist suggested looking for someone into the same kind of sex I am into, and then maybe a relationship will develop or not. And I only one time specifically looked for someone based on a particular kind of sex I wanted at the time, and it didn’t work out but the sex WAS really good. And my non-sexual play partner and I met based on the kind of stuff we both liked, it’s just she is not available as a romantic option, but we do have other things in common. So I know it COULD theoretically work starting with kink and getting to know each other from there.

Anyway, in the meantime I am trying to work on myself so I feel normal again. I was lifting weights but I fucked up my left arm and pulled maybe one or two muscles, so I’ve got to give it a rest for a while. And the bra thing. The bra thing honestly makes me feel better and I don’t know why it just does. I ordered a new nice button up shirt that is pretty cute. I have new suspenders. I’m waiting to get paid out for a grant.

AND that’s not the only exciting stuff, we are also almost done with the short film! I saw the VFX and colour on Friday and it looks amazing. I’m honestly pretty happy with it. We have a deadline this week to submit to a festival. And then the other festivals are gonna need submitting to. So many festivals! I should actually work on a synopsis this weekend. Tonight I hear the sound design. And then… I dunno! And then it gets married to the picture tomorrow and I get to show people. With a password. It’s funny to work for so long on something and then suddenly it’s just done.

I mean it’s not gonna be just done tho, cause then we have a festival run to do, and also because we have to go back and finish the script, and then apply for production funds for the feature this is based on.

I’m really happy with how the vfx and special fx turned out tho. I was a bit worried it could look cheesy, but it turned out awesome.

So many things to think about.