It’s not very long since my last post, not as long a time as some of these posts anyway. I’m such an irregular blogger. I can’t promise a new one every Sunday, or that it will have even a coherent point to it. Mostly I just hop on here to ramble.

Recently I got smart bulbs, so that has been fun. I didn’t realize I would like them so much, but they have much improved things in here. And they have a “party” setting that is pretty cute for zoom parties.

I’m trying to improve myself. I don’t know, maybe that’s a value judgement. I just know I gained some weight with quarantine and lost some of my ability to walk a lot, I don’t mean I can’t walk, I just mean I get overwhelmed when friends take me on hikes. I used to walk a lot more before this last year, I think even just walking to transit and back helped a lot and I don’t do that now. Anyway I am starting with more regular dog walks. Posey loves it. I am trying to get a better harness for her tho so she doesn’t pull so much. Today I also started adding going down and up a set of stairs by the dog park. it’s A LOT of stairs. Like, to explain, my average for going up and down the stairs was 2 flights a day. Today just adding going down and back up these stairs once bumped it up to ten flights a day. It’s like, the Exorcist level stairs ha ha, except more windy. Anyway I was sure I’d be like, coughing up blood or something from going down and up these stairs, but it wasn’t bad. I’m gonna keep doing it once a day until next Monday when I might increase it by doing it twice.

My heart felt a lot better after I did it today, which was interesting. It felt like, clear or something, like it had been dusty before and now that it was getting used it was happier. I hadn’t really solved my cardio problem because I live on the second floor and most cardio exercises for apartments seem to involve jumping up and down or otherwise banging the floor repeatedly. And I am not wanting to bother my downstairs neighbour like that. So maybe doing stairs in the park is gonna help improve my cardio levels. I think even walking with Posey more often is helping. I already lost a couple pounds so that makes me feel better. Literally all I wanted was to lose seven pounds so I can go back to my usual average weight. There’s one weight that I just hover at, even when I was doing a lot of exercise back when the boxing gym was open I hovered at that weight. So that’s all I want.

OH YES also I want to be able to fuck more, I just mean, not get winded before I can fuck someone long enough that she can cum. I guess I could word that more delicately ha ha but that’s not me. Anyway, yeah, being able to have sex for longer without being wiped would be great for me.

Not that I am having sex with others right now.

I’m trying to get a vaccine soon. Indigenous people are up for them here, but it’s not completely available yet, so I’ve been sniffing around trying to find the next Indigenous vaccine clinic. I just keep checking. I hope it happens soon, a friend of mine got hers on Friday so I hope that org does it again.

I’m also reading a lot more. I’ve read three novels this year already, which probably doesn’t sound like much but is a lot better than last year. I’m not gonna win the Good Reader club or anything. But it’s nice that I can focus that much that I can read a book. Having ADHD used to mean reading things online was more doable for me. Shorter pieces. That sort of thing. But now I can read a novel and remember what I am reading. I’m trying to stick to novels because stories are more interesting than non-fiction I guess, although I did read a creative non-fiction novel this year.

I’m also trying to get rid of some books. Last night I finally selected seven books I knew I would never read again, and walked them over to a nearby Little Free Library. It felt good! I’ve been a notorious book and paper hoarder, and reducing it is really nice. I don’t want to hoard everything anymore. OK not everything, but I think the fact I’ve held onto nearly every book I’ve ever bought this long is an echo of my tendency to hang onto lovers much longer than they should be in my life. I mean its great to have ex lovers in my life, it sucks when I am hanging onto the hope of rekindling something. So maybe this process of letting go of some of my books will encourage me to let people go when it’s their time. I’m having a really hard time letting go of the last two lovers I was with, and it’s just…ugh. Sucky. I know neither of them want to be with me again and in fact neither of them talk to me either. But it still lingers and it’s just not healthy for me and it’s not fair to anyone in my life right now who might be wanting to date me but feels they have to wait until I’m more obviously healed from this stuff.

I feel kinda bad about all the times this year already that I have talked about my broken heart. Like yeah, I did have a broken heart. But I feel like that’s keeping people out. New people. People who could give me something better. I don’t want to be chasing people away like that anymore.

I had a dream last night that I went to a country which was like Australia but not quite Australia. And there was a huge chunk of the middle of the continent that was labeled on the map as Indigenous land (and yes all land in Australia is Indigenous land, I know!). And I was taken to this land and the sky was orange and there were tall tall trees and it was dry and brittle. And I don’t know what it means or why I remember that part so vividly.

I’m trying to build up muscle again now that my radial nerve is pretty much healed. I’m doing free weights twice a week now. Well, I mean this will only be the second week doing it twice a week. But I feel pretty good about it. I’ve finally memorized which dumbbell exercises to do. I was told by my physiotherapist that I was really strong and she could feel the muscles in my back and I guess it came across like a compliment to me so I’m trying to keep it up. I think I built up good back muscles when I was doing boxing. So I am glad they are still there. Not all withered. But yeah, I just want to keep my strength up. I also got a proper back cushion to support my posture when I work on the couch.

Ha ha I sound like a wannabe jock in this post. Oh well. I’ve also been watching tv shows and movies this whole last year, like, way more than before. I used to feel so guilty by my lack of watching things, I mean considering I am a filmmaker. But it’s getting better!!! I still watch something or another every day besides the news, maybe not always a whole movie, but usually something.

I don’t know how to end this post. Lol anyway I AM doing good and feel optimistic. I’ll feel even more optimistic when I get my first shot.