I counted up just the for sure international travel dates for 2022 and I’m basically away for almost three months of the whole year. I gotta figure out what to do with Posey since 2 months is one solid block in Vienna at the end of the year. Who is gonna watch her for two months? What if I bring her with me? Oh man.

I still have plane tickets for Berlin in February, and a couple tickets to Tori Amos. I really hope the Berlinale happens this year, because otherwise am I just going for Tori Amos?

Since I’m in the Berlinale I got to apply to Telefilm for travel funds. But I had to use my corporation. So that was a whole thing. I needed to open a business bank account, so I did but it doesn’t have a card I can use outside Canada. So that’s ironic. Anyway they were really rushing through the grant because I think they can tell there’s gonna be a rule against travel. So I know I didn’t make the cut off of Telefilm before the Christmas holidays for my direct deposit form. But hopefully that doesn’t make a difference, they already marked my application as recommended.

Ha ha what a boring paragraph.

I don’t have much, I’m being somewhat secretive these days. Not like I have huge secrets. I just feel more private these days. I do like writing these posts tho. It’s kind of healing I guess.

I’m knitting again. I finally got the hang of it and the knitting is more even, its meant to be a rib stitch but it’s all messed up. But I am trying to keep up the integrity of the messed-up-ness and give it some sense of reason. It looks pretty funny in the initial rounds tho, cause I couldn’t tell the difference between a knit and a pearl stitch. I’d taken a while off from knitting before this project. Like, a couple of years. And now I’m doing a dog sweater on double pointed needles. So yeah, maybe I should have done a scarf to ease back into it. Scarves take so long though.

I still have this red marino wool scarf for a future girlfriend that has never been worn by anyone else but me. I was doing some kind of girlfriend manifesting spell or something so I thought “If I knit this scarf it will bring a girlfriend into my life!” Which was fine, BUT the girlfriends I had after making it were not deserving of the Future Girlfriend scarf. And not like they were bad people, it’s just that they were not with me for very long. And then the last person I dated lives in California so there’s not a reason for them to get the scarf either.

That’s kinda good though because I need the scarf this year since I left mine in my mom’s car in Saskatoon.

I should do mittens too, I know how to do them. They are pretty easy actually.

Maybe I am my own future girlfriend only I’m not a girl.

Um what else? I haven’t talked to my friends much these days because my Mom is around visiting and then it’s just awkward to talk to friends when your mom is listening. She’s staying in a bnb down the street which is why I am finally writing here.

OH WAIT! I did have something I wanted to talk about.

So in 1992 around this time of year, I was starting to question my sexuality. As in, I knew I was super curious about lesbians and I knew women made me feel some kind of way. And I read an article in Sassy magazine about this teenage lesbian and just like, I think it was called “It happened to me” and it was lez positive but all I remember is being surprised that teenagers could be lesbians. Because I was 14, and as you can imagine I was really getting ready to not fake having crushes on boys anymore. And then on New Years Eve I hugged someone and got a MASSIVE crush, like so huge, I had to go sit on the couch and take in the fact that I was A LESBIAN. I mean I know the gender stuff makes it complicated now but also this was only 1993. Like, a minute into 1993.

So there’s something kind of magical I always recognize around this time of year in terms of the first time I fell in gay love. It wasn’t reciprocated. But it was a feeling that I hadn’t had before. And I’ve felt it a bunch of times since then. But this was like, identity defining love.

Anyway. I’m so glad things are somewhat easier for gay teens. Like, just having the internet could have been so radically different for me. On the other hand I did seek out and find queer youth groups and got involved in my community. In a lot of ways being queer made my life way more awesome, besides the actually dating other queers stuff. Like even my career wouldn’t have taken off in the same way if I was straight. Maybe it would have been more accepted though. But overall I’m glad to be a lesbian now.