I don’t know how to talk about my life right now. I had some really transphobic incidents with my family when I went to visit them. Including my black out drunk cousin grabbing his dick through his pants and telling me he had a penis and I didn’t. Which I mean for one thing, was totally transphobic, and for another thing was sexual harassment from a FAMILY MEMBER so double fucking gross behaviour. And then my Mom defended him and didn’t comfort me and the next day told me she didn’t want to talk to me while I was transitioning because I would get angry and yell at her. So transitioning takes years, I guess she must know that since she knows so much about transitioning. 🙄 I left Mom’s house and stayed with friends for the rest of my trip.

Anyway, my family was a huge traumatic disappointment who I’m not in contact with right now. Which sucks but also maybe the distance is what I need while I’m building my self esteem as a trans man. Because they definitely aren’t going to be helpful in that regard.

ANYWAY I mean there was exciting stuff too though, because after I came back I finally got to see the nurse who specializes in trans health care and talk about testosterone. And it was exciting! She asked what effects I wanted and the first thing I said was “I want a fuzzy tummy!” Ha ha ha. But also she gave me this list of effects and asked which ones I wanted and I was like “I want a deepened voice, I want clitoral enlargement… this is like I am ordering off a menu!” I know there’s only so much control over what effects I get though. Although the medication that slows hair loss sounds super helpful.

She took this whole long gender history from me, which is LONG. Like, my whole life really. And I said I had been a butch for a long time, and she said something like “Oh I hate when people say “Our butches are disappearing” because it’s really brave to make the decision to transition.” Which is true I do hate that. I’m finally feeling like I don’t have to live a specific gender for other people anymore, and it’s really nice. I told her about being non-binary for a long time, and the time I tried to transition but didn’t get very far because transitioning was more difficult in 2007.

I think she wanted me to be more excited though, and I was still kind of bummed from getting rejected by my family. So I wasn’t like, I dunno, jumping up and down. But I DID feel happier after. And she sent me away with a requisition form for bloodwork. So I did that the next morning and she called to tell me I was approved for my hormones to get covered, and that they were going to try and get me on T as soon as possible after the next appointment. So I suppose the next appointment we talk about what kinds I can get, and then I get my prescription, and then a nurse shows me how to inject. I was all into doing intramuscular shots. But I’ve also been reading a lot of guys talking about getting scar tissue from doing that. And the nurse says the subcutaneous shots are actually higher in T than intramuscular. SO it’s a lot to think about. I’m also doing an ultrasound to check my endometrium for something. I forget what. I received a lot of information ha ha.

We also have to do a whole appointment to talk about surgery, so it’s going to be a while before all these things are sorted out. But I really appreciated how she said it was my decision to take testosterone and she would support me even if my identity changed, or if I wanted to go by she/her pronouns and still be on T. It felt really nice, like, there’s still a lot of open avenues to explore if I wanted. And she also said I could stop any time I wanted to of course.

I think I avoided doing this for so long because I wasn’t sure how hard it would make my life to be more clearly trans. Although I know I was gender non-conforming for so long. But this feels different. At the same time, except for the other people, it’s totally an exciting time in my life, to really be who I am. I’m curious to see what I’m gonna look like. And my boobs got their time in the sun, they can get retired. I’m looking forward to seeing how I change.

I don’t know how to come out to my neighbours. I just assume they’re going to notice in the spring that the bachelorette in unit [redacted] is now a bachelor. It’s a fairly queer co-op though so I’m not super worried anyone will be a dick to me.

But then I didn’t expect my family to treat me the way they did so maybe it’s time to stop being naive.

At the same time, this is finally the time I’ve wanted to transition where it felt like I was being permitted to do what I need. Like, when I first talked to my doctor about my gender and got my diagnosis for NIHB covered gender gear… and then I was like wait I could get on hormones! But only a little! And then it changed again to “OH MY GOD I can finally just be a man and not have to lie anymore.” And now this nurse is making sure I’m like, as healthy as I can be on T and told me things I have to watch out for and stuff. It feels nice having my gender be something that is being cared for. Cause it’s so hard in so many other places to be who I am. I mean, I recognize I have privilege from living in the largest city in Canada and having a huge network of trans friends. I’m in a way different place than the last time I tried to transition, and a different time too. But I still get treated badly when I go home to visit my family, so obviously there’s unsafe places for me now.

Anyway. I am super disappointed in my family. I don’t know how to deal with that. It’s also complicated by the fact that my mom was listening in on my therapy appointment I had while I was home, so now she thinks she should be allowed into my therapy appointments. Which I mean come on, I pay for these things just for me, it’s not fucking family therapy time just because Mom didn’t like whatever she heard.