I am trying to migrate this site to tjcuthand.com but it’s gonna be a bit.

So I thought I could talk about my shots!

I got my first T shot last Monday from the nurse at my clinic. And he showed me how to do it, and it didn’t seem too bad. So I did it by myself today and it was fine. I had been so sure I would do intramuscular shots, but for now I am doing subQ. It’s going ok!

Some things I noticed is that my anxiety went down a lot. Not entirely gone, but not bothering me like before. A couple days later I went to the Dua Lipa concert and it was in Scotiabank Arena so there were tons of people, and I just was so unconcerned. Normally I HATE crowds, and they make me anxious. Also I’ve been SO FUCKING HUNGRY!!!! I want to eat all the things. After I’m done lunch or dinner it’s not long before I want a snack. And I can’t skip lunch or dinner anymore, I HAVE to eat. So I’m hoping that gives me a better relationship to food, because my ADHD made me have a really unhealthy relationship to it. And what else? I am more horny than I was before but it’s nothing super special yet, it’s just average. But I’d felt very unsexy for a month before my shot, so I’m glad it got kickstarted again. I also smell slightly different. And the things I smell smell stronger than before. Like food and stuff. It’s pretty cool.

I’m really excited for when I get to take a higher dose. Right now I’m on a low dose for starting out. But in a couple of weeks or so I can go get my levels checked and see if they will let me take more. I haven’t had any aggression though, which SOME people said I would have. I feel pretty calm actually.

It’s funny because before T I walked around feeling SO MUCH AGGRESSION and it’s not like I yelled at people on the street but it just built up in my body in a way that felt crappy. And now when I would normally start feeling aggressive, I feel more like “Well that’s disappointing.” I’m more patient. I don’t know if it’s the hormones or my outlook on life changing things, who knows.

My therapist comes back next month!!! I’m so excited to see her again! And FINALLY I get to see my temp therapist this week, which will be the first session since all this shit went down. So I’m stoked about that even if she’s not my regular therapist. Just to tell a therapist all these things and how upset it made me and get validated would be helpful. I feel so gaslit about what happened and I don’t know what to do with that.

I realized I have a crush on this one singer cause she kinda looks like my therapist. And I also realized my last ex had similarities to my therapist. It’s kind of hilarious. Do I have a type again?

SPEAKING OF! I am still being patient to see what my sexuality is going to do now that I’m on testosterone. So far, inconclusive. It hasn’t been long enough to see. I do notice guys more, but I think that’s cause it’s easier to like queer guys than straight guys. And I am still in love with a Femme I was in love with before. I haven’t been totally sure that I’m still into Femmes. I think I probably am (and straight women) but I don’t know how it will feel dating people as a guy now. And I’m not entirely sure what people are open to dating me. I downloaded Grindr and got a bunch of messages and immediately closed it again. I also kind of just want to do me right now and not worry about managing someone else’s expectations around my transition.