I’ve been feeling dramatic this week so far. I was in therapy yesterday being like “I wish I never met my ex! I never want to fall in love again!” I know I’m just having a hard time but UGH I never want a broken heart like this again this fucking sucks. And my therapist was like “You know rejection and break ups just happen a lot, even people who are with their partners for ages will have someone die at some point.” And yes that is true but also UGHHHHHH I hate this. I mean no one likes having a broken heart though. They’re just so uncomfortable and embarrassing. Like yeah I fell for someone who doesn’t give a shit about me, how awful is that? How do I keep it from ever happening again? And that brings me to the “I never want to fall in love again!” feeling.

But my therapist says she doesn’t want that for me. Which was kind of nice to hear. It’s been very frustrating trying to date for most of my life though, I’m just not very good at it. I think specifically I choose bad people. Not like “EVIL PEOPLE” more like BAD FOR ME. And my therapist and I have been working on it. And I am dating people very casually right now but nothing has solidified into love yet, or maybe never will, so yeah it’s hard. I am trying to move on.

I think though also dating as a trans person has changed for me more recently because I have changed and gotten on testosterone. And it has changed the way I date in positive ways, like not being hung up on any one particular person right now. My therapist says I am not the old me anymore but I am not the new me yet either. So I’m kind of in this weird middle space where I’m rethinking how I want to have sex and relationships. Like I’m starting to not be into being penetrated for health reasons (I CAN but I have a tilted uterus so it’s uncomfortable in specific positions). And I am more upfront about what I need to be able to cum, and queer people are generally open to that. But then also sometimes I just don’t even want to have sex again. It’s very ridiculous, these were all things I used to like and now I just don’t know. I probably will like them again at some point. I mean probably the people I’ve recently had plans to have sex with I would still have sex with. It’s just complicated in my heart and underwear right now.

My dick had a big growth spurt more recently since I got on 60mg of T. It was growing before but SLOWLY and now it’s just kind of getting longer in a more dramatic way. So that’s nice. See I will probably want to share that with someone. I’m really curious about feeling what it’s like to have sex as my body changes.

But at the same time my heart is just super raw and has been for a while. I thought I was ready to date other people again until I found out my ex blocked me. Now I’m just like ARGH even though I already knew they weren’t going to talk to me again. It’s kind of silly, they probably blocked me as soon as I unfriended them last November, and I just never went looking until last week when I got super curious. But whatever. The weird thing is there are still other ways I could contact them, but I’m not going to because obviously that isn’t something they want. And probably not something I want either, I don’t want to beg someone to pay attention to me. That’s so ridiculous. And I don’t really want someone to get pissy at me for trying to talk to them. UGH.

I’m in such a bad mood. Someone could say the smallest criticism to me right now and I’d just be like “Well yeah fuck you too!” or something. Ridiculous. Times like this it’s just better to stay alone.

BUT I have to get out of this foul mood because I have what might be the most important pitch of my life coming up on Thursday! I honestly can’t keep holding on to this disappointment and anger because I have to do something productive and exciting and get people interested in my vision. Arg. I mean maybe that’s a lot though, it’s fine to be angry. I just have to be able to do my work still.

I was trying to figure out how to make a boolean value a static so I can call it from another scene. But I mucked around with it all day and haven’t gotten any closer to solving this. The problem is the boolean is called from a dialogue manager in the inspector but I’m trying to make it a static in a script so I can check it in another scene. I was trying player prefs, I was trying statics, I am thinking of trying a game manager with a don’t destroy on load script. I really just wrestled with it all day and now the day is almost over and I had to have this moment of despair on my blog because of course everyone loves that ha ha.

I will be ok I know that. I will probably fall in love again someday and maybe it will work out in my favour finally. My astrologer said I should concentrate on my career this year more than relationships, so I will try that. I mean that’s what I’ve done my whole life though, when love stuff doesn’t work out I just work super hard on my career. And I got really far in my career. And I just need to get a bit further, I just need to get my head in order so I can do a good pitch, and finish this video game. I’m so close! Good things could happen! And the video game is super cute and interesting and there’s just this one thing I gotta figure out and then I can finish this!

I AM SO CLOSE to wrapping up some major projects this year. I know it will be ok. And I do have cute dates coming up and I probably will kiss more people and things will probably improve for me. I just wish I hadn’t been blocked. But on the other hand I mean I WAS the one who did the initial unfriending. I should have expected this.