My life is so weird. I’m temporarily extremely poor, AND YET I did manage to pay all my bills, my rent, my CRA payment, and buy groceries. So I’m really not in terrible shape. My credit card debt is sad though so I would like to fix that. I am just gonna have to keep throwing cash at it until I can get a big chunk of money to pay it off. I hate being an adult. I have almost $5000 in my RSP, but I am gonna have to take out $3500 of that to pay for the part of my top surgery that doesn’t get covered by OHIP. It’s fine. I mean, I guess I could have a gofundme for that cost and maybe people would want to support it, but also I hate asking for money. Which is also hilarious because being a filmmaker means constantly asking places and people for money.

I think one of my local film fests got tired of me being naked in my videos because they definitely aren’t programming my naked videos anymore. I didn’t realize trans tits were still shocking but I guess they are. Or maybe they are just tired of that, who knows! I actually don’t know if they won’t program this one video this year because they haven’t decided yet, but also it’s got a play piercing scene in it (for art reasons) so I’m pretty sure they will pass on it. That video has been popular other places though, so it’s fine. I just find it curious to watch how festivals continue or discontinue being interested in me.

My top surgery consultation is coming up and I am SUPER excited about it! I have a ride to get there even which is nice, because I think it’s an hour and a half on public transit to get to Mississauga and I will need to pee after an hour probably so that’s anxiety inducing. There needs to be way more public bathrooms in the world. And not those European bathrooms that extort you out of 50 euro cents at your most vulnerable time! Pay toilets are the worst. I found a pay toilet at the bathroom at Burger King in Vienna which is even more egregious because come on, people eat your food and you won’t let them poop for free? COME ON!

Anyway enough of that.

I am poor right now, but I could get paid for something or another at any minute and not be so worried. Plus I know I have $3000+ coming at the end of this month, so I can’t really complain like I am gonna be poor forever. PLUS I might get a big payment if a certain government organization gets extra money to give to me. So really I can’t predict my bank accounts future. If I did get the big payment I could pay off my credit card debt in a day. So like, that is decent. I will live! Or I will be poor for a while longer until the universe decides to pay me for all the work I’ve done in the last eight years or whatever.

I don’t think being poor is noble, it just sucks. I definitely wouldn’t take a vow of poverty, although I don’t have priest aspirations anyway so it’s unlikely that would come up. My Grandpa was a Minister and one time him and Grandma won an RV in a raffle and even though Grandma never took a vow of poverty, she lived her life like she had and was totally mortified that they won this prize. I think they sold it back to the dealer. They definitely didn’t bring the RV home.

I ordered some things from Amazon so also I can’t really complain about the system today I guess. And I DO have groceries in my kitchen like I am not starving like when I was living in Strathcona and spending my last dollars on weed. I do not spend money on weed if I am SUPER POOR anymore which I think is a good change. I’d much rather eat and have somewhere to live. ALSO to be honest I think I have to cancel my personal trainer soon, partially because it’s too much out of my budget but also because I am getting surgery hopefully next month or so and I won’t have a use for the trainer for several weeks with my lil t rex top surgery arms.

I started the process of changing my name, but didn’t anticipate that I needed a long form birth certificate, so now I am ordering that. Which will be four to six weeks. And then people online were saying Ontario was taking four months to process the name change forms. SUCH A LONG TIME! I do think my old name was kinda rad, but it doesn’t fit me anymore and I like Theo Jean Cuthand way better. With Jean pronounced like the French dude way. But I guess that can get misheard as John, kinda funny. I hope changing the rest of my ID isn’t a pain in the ass. I was gonna change my gender marker, but someone told me they knew a trans man who had to do a prostate exam because his gender marker was changed and suddenly the health care system where he was switched up his care like he was a cis man. So yeah… I still want to be able to get PAP test reminders.

I have been sexually active again, this honestly doesn’t happen as frequently as I would like. But anyway, he flushed the condom down the toilet and I got all worried about the plumbing because I’m pretty sure that’s a NO. But then also he came a lot in the condom and I was wondering if he wanted to flush it because he was worried I would fish the condom out of the garbage can and try to get pregnant. I don’t know, it was a lot to think about and I’m still not sure how to word stuff to sexual partners but he probably SHOULDN’T keep flushing condoms. And he doesn’t have to worry about me trying to get pregnant because I am getting a salpingectomy this fall and definitely NOT able or interested in having a baby. BUT ALSO we’ve only hooked up twice and haven’t had big conversations about stuff like this. STILL I would like to see him again and have the condom disposed of properly. So I should probably say something. I’m really still unused to having sex with sperm producing partners. Ha ha I probably sound so weird right now.

My therapist is pleased with me not being so STUCK in the love department, because I was really like determined to have a specific kind of relationship with a specific kind of person, and now that kind of all went out the window and I’m open to many different types of people. It’s been really nice. I’ve gotten more in touch with finding masculinity attractive. BUT also still liking many types of people. Like, I still desire femmes and women and non-binary people. I’m just not so driven in that concept of needing to marry a Femme and spend the rest of my life with her. Now I don’t even know if I want to get married, and I could date any gender and fall in love with any gender. It’s nice. I deleted my Tinder because it was keeping me in the Lesbian section after I changed my gender to trans man, and now I restarted with a new profile with my new name and my gender and the matches are way better. A lot more gay men, not really any lesbians. Some straight women. I don’t know how successful I will be, so far I haven’t matched with any cis women, but that’s ok. I didn’t really know how to set myself up on there, but I appear in searches for men so I suppose that is what counts.

I only have a few more weeks of being able to fuck around before I am benched with my titless chest while it heals. So I suppose I should try to be more sexually active while I can. Also though sometimes I’m honestly just fine getting off by myself. It’s gotten convenient again since I’m back to working from home where porn and toys is in easy reach. I wonder if the pandemic ruined me.