Yesterday I was headed to the gym when this homeless guy across the street started yelling at me. I think he was angry I was transgender, but it was hard to tell because I was listening to a soothing song on my AirPods the whole time this was happening and I didn’t really feel like turning the music down and listening to whatever bullshit he was trying to say. He could also have been angry I was wearing a mask, who knows! What’s his problem!? Anyway the streetcar was coming pretty quick so I wasn’t too worried. And he was gone when I was coming home.

I am curious about how people are gendering me if they don’t know me. I know this one question baby trans people ask where they go to strangers and want to know if they see them as a woman or a man and I vowed to myself I would never ask someone that question. Because on one hand I kind of don’t care, and on the other hand it seems to open up a whole bunch of new trans insecurities that I’m not interested in. And also it makes whoever you are asking feel weird because suddenly it’s like “DO I PASS?” and they don’t even know which way you are headed. Anyway, I am curious if strangers see me more as a man now although I don’t want to ask that question of them.

I did get called sir this morning when I did my laundry after talking to one of my neighbours. And he and I haven’t had a lot of contact to my knowledge so I don’t know if he knows who I am. I was wearing a shirt with no bra, and a packer. And we exchanged some words (not mean words) and so he could hear my voice. So then I wonder what combo of traits he picked up on to call me sir. My shaved head? My voice? My dick? I don’t know. It was nice though.

Anyway if I wasn’t getting surgery this summer (hopefully) I would be trying to get my nails done because I feel like I want that again. But anesthesiologists need to see your nails so they know if something is going wrong, so no nail polish for a while still. I mean I could get it and then get it taken off but ughhhh no I’m too lazy for that. It is interesting though to transition and notice what feminine qualities I still have. Like, I’m bisexual but honestly I think I’m pretty faggy. And to be totally honest even when I was a butch dyke I felt more like a fag. And I like dick so that kind of makes it make sense. Even my therapist asked if I was feeling more faggy these days, because last year when I decided to transition I was saying I might be more interested in men. But also there’s some pretty femme gay stuff going on for me. Like the way I move around and stuff, and even though I know I’m supposed to learn to speak in a lower pitch I kind of still have a queeny voice when I’m excited. I think also though I have just spent so many years not caring about gender norms because I was a butch dyke, that being kind of a femme fag is also sort of sensible for me. I know there’s femme trans men though who are WAY more femme than me. But whatever it’s a spectrum, and even though I have some feminine traits I still feel like a dude.

Gender endlessly fascinates me.

I’m wearing my packer again, I had a long period of not really caring. And now it’s not so much that I care, more that I’m just going through one of my dick periods I guess, when it’s nice to feel something there. Most of the time I’ve been on T I haven’t been packing. So I don’t know what changed now.

Sometimes I think it’s just trying to add more things that help people gender me as a man. I know I can just tell people what I am, but it would be nice for more people to get it right when they first meet me without me having to explain. I stopped doing my nails so I would have less obvious “woman” signifiers, but really now I think I’ve tipped into masculine appearing enough to be able to fuck it up with nail polish. Because there are tons of pretty goth boys out there with nail polish and stuff.

I need to wear hats more. I totally got sunburned on my scalp this past week. It was too much sun! My hubris from my years with hair has ruined me!

I bought a Nutribullet with my GST money and have been making smoothies with protein powder, which has been fun. I would love to make more, I should get groceries.

Anyway I hope that homeless guy doesn’t become a regular on the street here, because I hate getting yelled at even if I can turn the music up and not hear their bigotry.