Well I had my surgery consultation on Monday and I have a surgery date now! Mid-August! I mean it’s more precise than that but I am trying to have some mystery. The plastic surgery office that does top surgeries is really curious because a lot of their other procedures are for rich ladies, so it’s very pink and shiny and glossy. But also when I was there it must have been top surgery consult day because everyone waiting was trans men/non-binary people. And I was also I think the oldest person in the waiting room, besides maybe the parents of one of the patients. So I felt old and like oh god I’ve lived with my body this way for so long and I dunno. I get old trans person regret sometimes for not transitioning sooner. BUT that is all gonna change.

I made an Instagram story about getting my surgery date later and I just noticed I was so ridiculously happy. Not ridiculous maybe. Just genuinely happy and it’s nice to feel that. I’m really excited about how it’s going to change my life. Also a little sad about how it’s going to be to recover from it, but I’m sure that will be fine. My Mom is coming to look after me for the first two weeks, so that’s nice. Hopefully we don’t drive each other crazy. I think I’m gonna try and clear out the bedroom a bit because I will probably spend a lot of time in there.

I was standing in front of the mirror flexing because I guess I’m that kind of guy, and I can see the upper part of my pec flex, but not the lower part because it’s covered in chest tissue. So I’m curious to see what it will look like when my pec is more visible. I think I’m going to be really happy with it. I hope so anyway!

I had to read this LONG informed consent form for surgery that is like, all these things could go wrong, just so you know! And I mean for the most part I know all of that. I’m nervous but excited and even though I have been more ambivalent in the past, I have been very sure for a while now. I talked about it with my therapist because she kept trying to check if I was ambivalent and told me it was fine if I was. But honestly I’m really sure. It took me years to be sure but now that I am, I just want to get it done.

ALSO the great thing is that it is happening at a good time in my career when I can take these weeks off work and heal. And I’m gonna be ok! I have already started to get things for home. I got stairs for Posey to get on my bed, but she refuses to use them so I might sell them and just leave her on the floor. She usually sleeps under my bed now anyway.

I’m way more serious about masking right now too, I don’t want to get COVID again from something ridiculous like taking public transit. So masks it is!

I also have to stop smoking weed, but they said oils and edibles was fine. It’s just something about the combustion in cigarettes and marijuana that I have to watch out for. So today I cashed in my American dollars for Canadian dollars and bought some THC Oil, and a THC Chocolate. I don’t know, I’ve never been super into edibles. I kind of hate how long they last. With a joint you know your trip will be over in an hour, but with edibles it could go for hours and hours! So I’m suspicious of them. I have these super strong gummies and I ate a corner of one and was still high way in the middle of the night so yeah I hate that ha ha. I have all this dried flower that I can’t use until October, which is too bad! Also a friend is growing me a plant, all this to say that in October I will have a lot to be smoking with my new chest that will finally be healed.

I am really happy that it’s finally happening. I’ve wanted this for so long! Even when I didn’t really know I wanted it, I kind of did. Like it was just always in my mind like wow I would love to have a chest that doesn’t get sexualized the way a chest with bigger breast tissue gets sexualized. I just want to walk around in shorts. I want to lay flat on my stomach and not feel like I’m squishing myself. And mostly though I want to see myself more accurately reflected in the mirror.

I think I’m gonna look super hot! Ha ha omg I told this friend I wanted to transition so I would get hotter and he said that was a terrible reason ha ha. BUT OMG I know it’s deeper than that, but if looking like a sexy guy is a byproduct of my transition then I am super happy with that.