I’m in a cash flow situation AGAIN because I’m waiting for people to pay me and had to use some of my surgery recovery money in advance for supplies and things so I am basically broke until certain people come back from vacation and submit my payments through whatever things. SO ANNOYING. I had to travel to Montreal which meant using some of my money, and the org which might pay for that trip is taking it’s time doing its jury to decide if I get travel funds. Then I did that thing with [redacted] and then they were supposed to pay on the 4th but I guess people went on vacation until next week so I’m still broke with that. It’s very annoying. ANYWAY I am still raising money for surgery stuff so if you want to donate please do!

I WAS able to get a lot of my post surgical supplies though, so I should be ok with that part of it. Now it’s just like, regular life costs that my income SHOULD cover if people would pay me on time. I did a gig yesterday and then they told me they can’t pay for two weeks. ARGH!!! I’m just trying to live! PLUS my co-op went on vacation also so my rent cash is hanging out in savings until they come back on the 18th and are actually going to cash my cheque.

BUT OK not everything sucks, just being a full time artist with a health situation sucks. I did shave my face and my head today and that was nice. I don’t think I’ll be able to shave my face on surgery day because I can’t use creams or lotions, which is fine. I don’t grow a lot of fur on my face. My Mom is coming on Thursday which will be interesting and hopefully helpful.

I’m wearing all my favourite t shirts now because it’s button-ups for six weeks after this. I am fortunate that I have a lot of button-ups from when I got into the Whitney Biennial and decided my wardrobe needed an improvement. I actually think I’m gonna have to get more shirts after I’m healed because during this past year I’ve gone from being a 2XL to a XL. So my clothes are baggy. BUT obviously I have to wait for my finances to improve in the future for that. So that’s fine. I’ll just be a baggy guy ha ha. I am excited to see how I fill out a t-shirt after surgery, when I can finally put my arms above my head again.

I started worrying about the surgery and the actual procedure they are going to do and then I was like “I’m not a surgeon, why am I worrying about this? I don’t need to know how it works!” The point is that it does work and that the surgeon I’m seeing has done this many many times.

ALSO secretly I am worried my mail is getting stolen, because a cheque was supposed to come and it hasn’t and it’s been a really long time and I don’t know where it is and my mom got her cheque which came from the same people. And I haven’t seen a cheque in my mail in a while and they are usually pretty regular. And I actually haven’t seen very much regular mail, just fliers. So I don’t know what is going on with my mail, but if you know me and want to send me a Get Well card please do so I can make sure I’m actually getting my mail ha ha omg.

ALSO I found out people are saying transphobic things to my mom, which is really so violent and abusive to me even if they think they aren’t saying it to me. I have asked her not to tell me what people are saying but knowing that there are bigots in my circle is really disquieting. I really don’t care what they think of my transition or decisions around my gender affirming health care. But they are probably the same people who would vote to take away my healthcare given the chance, which is disgusting.

Which brings me to my sense of relief that surgery is coming up this week. I just really want it to be done before gender affirming health care bans take root in Canada. I know there’s a chance we’ll be fine up here. But also Canada is full of white supremacists too who are also invested in there being a clear gender binary. I don’t think I’m strictly a binary trans man anymore, I think I’m a non-binary man. But still a man and I still want to live out my flat chested dreams! Plus I did all this work at the gym to have a sexy chest, it’s time to see what that looks like. I can bench press 45lbs! I’m getting there!

There’s probably more people rooting for me than the ones saying transphobic shit though. I’ve been blessed with some caring nice friends out here and some of them have even come out with new names and pronouns recently. It’s kind of sweet how we all find each other. And there are supporters who are cis, which is good. We’re not alone. And I’m spending less time on Twitter, and when I am on there I’m cognizant of the fact that a lot of really ugly people are bots honestly. What is real? It’s starting to go back to real life people being more of a barometer of what is going on. I have been called names a couple times on the street since transitioning. But no one has punched me yet so I guess that’s a good sign.

AND overall I am excited about top surgery. I’m a bit nervous about when I’m healing and vulnerable. But I have good friends who want to help.