OMG! Top surgery is tomorrow afternoon! I think it’s a good time of day for surgery, the surgeon should be nice and alert. And I just have to show up and not have deodorant on etc. I’m stoked! I’m nervous too, it’s such a big surgery. But the clinic I am going to is really well regarded for their top surgeries, and my surgeon is really accomplished (award winning even!) and so I feel confident about it. And I know I’m going to have scars, BUT ALSO I am into body mods in general and there’s totally people into scarification so I’m not real worried about it. I think I’ll have a good looking chest. I mean it’s already got some perks because of this giant tattoo on it. If anything I am super curious about how my nipples will turn out, but I won’t find out until next week when the bolsters come off. I have inverted nipples so I’m curious if they are just gonna be smaller inverted nipples. I love my body so I’m not like, expecting major changes like not having inverted nipples anymore. But also I don’t know what they are gonna do with them.

My Mom is still in an airport right now, because her flight got delayed five hours and forty five minutes. So that’s kinda insane (and I can say that because I have literally been insane!). So I set up her bed but she has to turn on the pump to blow it up because it takes up too much room when it’s inflated and would get in the way of her bags and things when she comes. Like, literally she is arriving just after 3am tonight. I tried to do everything to make it possible for her to get inside if I am not awake or not here (in the worst case scenario that her flight gets cancelled and she has to come tomorrow). So stressful!

I cleaned, did all my laundry, did the dishes. I gotta take out the garbage tomorrow morning. At 11am my friend comes to pick me (and potentially my mom) up and takes us to the clinic. I am packing a bag, I have a mastectomy pillow in it and I’m gonna leave it in the car for later. The bag comes in with me to hold my clothes while I am in surgery. I was told to wear comfortable clothes, so I am gonna wear adidas sweatpants and my cute bee shirt, I picked the bee shirt because it’s a button up and mostly dark in case any blood gets on it. I am not totally sure what shoes to wear, maybe my clogs. They are comfortable but not good for hiking, but I’m not hiking.

Also I get tattooed like, all the time, and yes it does fucking hurt and yes I do hate how much it hurts BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY I look more cool afterwards. So I feel the same way about top surgery. It’s gonna be painful, and hard. But I will be really happy when it’s done. And I will feel that I look more cool to myself after. I think I will be happy when I look in the mirror.

There’s a big thunderstorm brewing right now which I always love. My Grandpa died not long after a thunderstorm. It feels connected. I don’t think I’ll die but I am doing a huge major part of my transition tomorrow, so it seems fitting.