It’s less than a week until I go to London! Very exciting. I still haven’t gotten my Buenos Aires plane ticket, and that makes me nervous. Cash flow issues are like, just constant. And we still don’t know for sure if we got the travel grant to go to London, and I don’t expect to hear about the Buenos Aires travel grant until November. So it’s a ways away. Being an artist basically means fronting the money and hoping the grant comes through. So far I’ve gotten them. But it’s a little nerve wracking anyway.

I’m healing well but I got to go in this week to get a seroma in my left pec drained again. I hope I can get in otherwise I have to wait until I’m back from London. It doesn’t really hurt but it’s pretty noticeable to me when I press on it and I don’t want to fool around with someone and have them feel up my pec and notice it’s acting like a waterbed. The right pec is amazing tho, no issues.

I haven’t had anyone but myself feel up my pecs yet! It’s kind of exciting, it will be a new feeling. Some of the sensation in my chest is coming back. Not so much the nipples, but other places that were numb are less numb.

I went back to the gym yesterday and did all my regular machines but tried to do lighter weights to start. So far so good. I did a 50lb row though and had to quit because it was too much. BUT the rest of it, weights and cardio, went excellently.

I’m nearly done this giant grant I’ve been fussing with for days and days. It’s not a giant grant but the project is giant and will go on for more years and I’m trying to give this poor research creation grant the best chances. I think it’s a good grant. I’m gonna read it over again tomorrow and do more edits, and hopefully attach a bio I am missing right now. It’s interesting material and should be really beautiful. Also I got a killer letter of support so I’m hoping that tips the scales in my favour. BUT also, it’s not a huge grant and I’m going to have to pick up other gigs like usual to keep going this next year if I get it. Which is fine I would do that anyway, but it is a little lean.

I’m excited to travel this month. Posey is leaving me on Friday until November! I’m gonna miss that little banana. She’s glued to me right now having a late night nap.

I got my rent cheque in but again this month I actually need to do some scrambling to make sure I can cover it. I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine for a few days because he notoriously doesn’t cash the cheques for a while. But it’s still stressful.

I remember when I tried to be on welfare and they found out how much my rent was (which was like, $900 or something at the time) and the welfare worker was like “You’ll have to move.” I didn’t though I just got on subsidized rent for a while. BUT also welfare expects people to be able to find housing for like, 500 bucks a month and it’s really unrealistic. A lot of funders and employers are unrealistic too actually. I don’t know when Canada Council last upped their living allowance, it’s been at $2000 a month for a LONG time. And places only cover very small amounts for hotel rooms when hotel rooms are pricey too.

I’m sure everyone notices that though.

I’m trying to be open to love! I feel like sometimes I look closed off to it. But I am trying! Maybe I’m just investing in my career right now instead of a relationship.

Tomorrow is therapy! I’m excited because I missed seeing her last week because she was out of her office. But now I only see her tomorrow and one other day in Oct because of travels and such so I want to make it count. Last time in therapy I just complained about money but I don’t feel like it got me anywhere. I would like to talk more about my transition and stuff tomorrow I think. I keep bringing up this old sad quasi relationship I had in therapy and I just feel like damn she must be so sick of hearing about this. I know I pay her to listen though but still she could see it was gonna be a bad scene from the very beginning and now I just keep hashing it out and trying to understand why I’m still thinking about it.

It’s been three years of working with my therapist! Our first consultation to see if we could work together was in 2020! Online! And we were online for a long time, until last year in the fall. I still sometimes see her online if I’m sick or like, just after surgery. But I like seeing her in person. And her office is set up to be really COVID safe and I was even in there with COVID one time (I tested positive the next day I didn’t go in knowingly having COVID) and she didn’t get it and neither did her clients that day. So that’s a good sign.

I’m trying to get the new COVID vaccine but the pharmacy doesn’t have it yet. Technically I should be ok because I had it in May, but also I would like to be vaccinated again.

I’m excited to be nearly done this grant. After this I have one more grant to write, then between travels and writing a budget and a moodboard for another project, I will just be scriptwriting and finishing off my lesbian vampire video game. I’m hoping to release it soon! I should have timed it for an OCT release tho, Halloween themed games are cute. There’s no pumpkins in it though and vampires are cool any time of the year.