Before I was born, my Mom did amniocentesis with me to check for any genetic issues. My sister has a translocation of the 13th pair of chromosomes, so they just wanted to know that my chromosomes were “normal.” Normal is such a dirty word ha ha grimy more than perverse tho. Anyway my chromosomes were XX so at that time it was assumed I was a girl. But my Dad was CONVINCED I would be a boy. My mom told me she asked him “You want a boy with girl DNA?” Which I guess in the 70s did sound odd. Anyway I was born appearing as a girl so yeah, but my Dad was still right in the end.

Another time when my Grandpa, Stan Cuthand, was on his deathbed and still lucid, he looked at me and pointed me out to my uncles in the room and said “He’s a good man.” I wrote it down in my FB because it was baffling at the time and I’m sure we all just shrugged it off with “he’s dying he doesn’t know what he’s saying.” BUT HE DID KNOW! I didn’t even know for sure, I was still really hanging on to my non-binary lesbian label. But I guess my Grandpa saw me for who I was and wanted to make sure before he died that I knew that.

I find it interesting that in both of those events, the people who recognized me as a boy/man before I was even sure myself were both men. And close relatives at that. Throughout my life various people thought I was a boy or a man but those were more surface interactions, like being called sir in the store and stuff like that, not people who were super invested in my life. But being recognized as a boy/man by my Dad and Grandpa really means something to me.

I sometimes wonder about my Mom and how she has adjusted. She was a very feminist mom and like “girls can do anything” and then I got into some very male dominated fields (filmmaking and game development) and now I am a man so it’s kind of taken away the magic girl power thing. Now it’s just regular dude stuff I guess. ALTHOUGH I would say definitely being trans can be rough on careers. So trans success is still a pretty amazing thing I think.

I got a mention in the New York Times last year which was kind of nice. But the more I think about it, the more I’m like “Wow the New York Times just said I’m trans and nothing about the actual art I made in the show.” Like that’s not engaging very much with the themes/formal approach I take to my work. It’s just a statement about my identity. I have it quoted on my facebook because it’s cute and hilarious, but also yeah not about the art. What about the art man!?!

I’m coming up with a class to teach next year and I wish it could be game development, but ALSO there’s a very steep learning curve to game development and I feel like I’m more of a video making expert. Although I made two games. BUT knowing how to solve problems in coding takes me a long time. I worked on Carmilla the Lonely for 14 months. That’s a long time! And a one semester class for people new to game development, I don’t want to overload them. Or make them try to do something overly ambitious. Ambitious work is great but when it’s a class project and you have other classes and genuinely can’t spent 14 months on a game it seems bad. I know I could scale it back to like, ONE small game. I don’t know I gotta decide soon though! Video or video game? Ohhhh it’s so hard both are so fun.

I did a class talk recently and someone asked me how I knew what story would be better told in a game or a film and like, honestly you could easily do either one with any kind of story really. I guess films have more precision in how the story unfolds. But you can force a narrative the same way in a video game. So I think there’s really similar really. I remember the first time someone talked to me about doing a video game, they said it was the same as film and that there was a lot of crossover potential. And I was like noooo no video games. Ha ha!

I’m glad it’s Easter weekend, I needed a break! I’ve been dealing with various things, some serious some not. A lot of energy being spent on certain things though when I would hope I can spend it elsewhere. But it’s calming down and I think I’ll be able to focus on things soon. Better!

I’ve been having a lot of spiritual experiences these days which is interesting but not something I talk about a lot except maybe on Facebook to my friends. I’ve been smelling “ghostly” sage off and on. Not constantly, maybe only three times in the last month. But when I do smell it it’s usually because things are hard and I’m being supported by ancestors. I assume anyway, that’s the sense I get. I’ve also felt the presence of some relatives who are on the other side. That’s been the most comforting I think. My ancestors were very powerful people in their own way and for various reasons. And before my Grandpa died I didn’t know how to communicate with them, because the majority of them I had never met in my life.

Last year after a major event in my career, I was walking with my friend Mikiki to go get lunch and saw an eagle feather laying on the ground right in front of us. It was a really nice one too, like a big wingtip eagle feather. A left wing feather. Ha ha that’s cute. BUT I had been looking for an eagle feather for a while, I’d been telling my Mom I wanted one and thinking about looking into those applications for eagle feathers. There’s a lot of laws around how to get them because they are protected. People do gift them for things like graduations and stuff. But like, you can’t go buy one, or kill/harass eagles to get them (that would be so awful). And it’s weird to ASK for a gift, that’s not how gifts work. So it kind of came in a perfect way to me because it just naturally fell out while the eagle was flying, and I did think it was my Grandpa looking out for me and congratulating me.

Spiritual things like that happening are really comforting. I don’t think I’m a religious person but I am a spiritual person. I know I’m not a hardcore traditionalist at all. But I definitely have a very specific nêhiyaw world view and moral compass that I think is supported by my spiritual beliefs. And some of it is just beliefs supported by my life experiences. Like trees having spirits (I know because I made one angry once) and rocks having spirits (rocks are animate in nêhiyawewin and I also have a rock companion I’ve carried for 32 years). I don’t think everyone needs to believe the same things. I just know what I believe to be true.

My dogs are constantly licking my head since I started shaving it. It was funny at first but after the 5th head licking session in a day it gets to be a bit much. I’m getting exposed to some kind of horrible dog germs. I think also it was only an occasional thing when it was just Posey. But now it’s Posey AND Todd and it’s like licking my head is a competition between them. I can’t handle it!

Ha ha what a random ADHD post, men recognizing I’m a boy/man, spirituality, head licking.