Today was a LONG day! Cleaner came by and my house was a fright so I’m very relieved it’s been reset back to clean. Also I had a pitch today that went well I think but I’ll find out in a couple months. Also! I am going to get more of my videos into distribution at Video Databank so that’s cool because I’ll make more money on my old videos having them at an American distributor, they get lots of rentals so that will be nice. I have to get all that material together (titles and video download links) and sign some paperwork. And I am still working on my transition video, but that’s a longer term project because I don’t think I will have the last piece I want until July when I can go to Saskatchewan and shoot something. I feel like it needs to be more interesting BUT ALSO right now just the basics are there because it’s still at an assembly edit stage.

I was putting in all these headlines about anti-trans laws and shit and it was DEPRESSING and overwhelming and also visually not very interesting. So I think I might just use a few headlines. I also noticed my body changed more than my face did, and my transition photos I’m starting with are mainly face shots. SO I gotta go through my phone and put images from that in there because there were more things being documented.

TMI Paragraph, skip if you are a relative or young!
Lol omg I know I shouldn’t care, I should be brave and push it or something. BUT I have a ton of photos of my dick growing and I wish I could use them but I don’t think I will. It’s pretty hot. It did get pretty big considering where it started from. Unpopped popcorn kernel size to Haskap size. I mean that’s impressive but I don’t think it’s going in my transition video. Maybe I will make a more sexy/porn oriented video about my dick one day. But not today. Or tomorrow. But SOMEDAY before it gets old and more wrinkled.

ANYWAY I’ve been doing well.

I’m in a bit of a lull between income streams so my cash situation right now sucks. BUT work is happening and I will be getting paid soon. So it’s just trying to squeak through the lean days. My career is actually doing pretty good. Which is a relief considering a producer tried to cancel me for not supporting our project anymore after said producer was sending me abusive emails. It’s nice to know people still support my work and see the value in it. I think also there was a bit of a comparison between reputations and track records of people involved. And I have burned a few bridges in my career but not many really, very rarely, in comparison. MOSTLY my working relationships have been good and mutually respectful. I’ve generally been fortunate to work with experienced producers with integrity and I am still working with experienced producers with integrity. So life goes on I suppose is the moral of the story.

I’ve been feeling a lot of spiritual significant things have been happening in my life recently. I might have talked about them, or maybe not. I don’t really want to get into them now. But I do feel like, a curiosity about why that’s been happening to me a lot. I don’t want to be a spiritual leader or medicine person. If anything I would hope my art is medicine. I don’t want to feel called to take on a more spiritual role in the community because I don’t think it’s for me. Right now I’m trying to figure out how to translate those events into storytelling more than doing ceremonies with people.

I mean, a film is a ceremony anyway really. We all come into a dark room, follow certain codes like not talking or being on our phones, eat certain things and watch a story. It’s very ritualistic really! I would rather lead people through experiences that way.

I’m doing well on a lessened testosterone dose. I went from 80mg a week to 70mg a week. It’s doing good so far, I still haven’t cried but I feel like, CLOSER to being able to cry. On 80mg I would get misty eyes and that was about it. Not satisfying. I was so relieved to stop crying every day like I did on an estrogen dominant system. I used to start crying at the beginning of therapy sessions and cry the entire way through it. And now I don’t. BUT like having emotional release is important for me. So I’m hoping this helps me get my full range of emotions back. It’s like trying to draw a picture with a bunch of crayons missing from the box. I want the whole box! Not this cheap ass missing crayons box.

So we’ll see, it does feel like I’m closer to getting that range of emotion back. I was laying in bed the other night, feeling the cry start to build behind my eyes and I was like “Yes! This is it! I’m gonna cry!” NOPE. Dammit. SOMEDAY SOON I HOPE.