So my birthday happened last week and I finally started hooking up more with guys on Grindr. The first guy was nice, the second guy was super hot. Some guys on there are fun to talk to but never meet, or disappear. It’s like gardening really, you have to nurture lots of convos and only a select few will ever end up in actually sitting on a dick. I mean growing a harvest ha ha.

There used to be this book called Natural Harvest that was a semen cookbook. It’s probably still available in PDF somewhere. But that just popped into my head ha ha.

I remember I read a page from it and there was a line that was like “semen has wonderful cooking properties.” I’m sure it does.

ANYWAY.

It’s still kinda weird going from being a lesbian for so long to being a bisexual trans man. In a lot of ways it makes sense, and also in other ways it’s funny to talk to queer men and be like “when I used to be a lesbian…” Sometimes I’m doing something so hot with a guy and later I’m thinking “WOW if my lesbian exes knew I was doing this they would probably be disgusted.” I mean maybe not. Maybe the era of lesbians being squeamy about penises is over. But who knows. I don’t really want to put out a survey to find out if different demographics of queers are grossed out by other demographics of queers. That seems like the worst study that could exist. It’s not really anyone’s place to judge different people. Jesus wouldn’t like it that’s for sure.

I’m just gonna throw Jesus’ name into all kinds of situations from now on. I’m not a Christian and I don’t even know if Jesus was real but a lot of people follow him so it seems logical that I can also use his name to back up my lifestyle. I’m sure he would appreciate it.

I was talking with guys on Grindr tonight hoping to find a hookup and it was going ok then I guess sexy times was over because one guy was telling me about seeing a body outside his window of someone who jumped from a nearby apartment, and another was telling me about this terrible car crash that killed grandparents and a baby that was on the news. And I was like wow no more dick for me tonight. But then I guess the news guy felt like we had strayed off topic because he followed up with an album of dick pics.

I actually appreciate a good consensual dick pic. I appreciate the willingness to be upfront about what is going on. I don’t need a dick pic though, I have hooked up without needing to see them in advance. I don’t need to see women’s or nonbinary people’s nudes either. But if they are sharing I don’t mind receiving if it’s offered.

I finally cried today! I actually cried yesterday, I was getting on a streetcar and a song that had played at a funeral a long time ago came on and I started crying but had to hold back because I was in public. But this morning I played the same song on purpose and had a good cry. Maybe a 2 or 3 minute cry but it was noisy with lots of tears so it felt good. My puppy Todd has never seen me cry like that so he was concerned. Posey has seen me be a crybaby for years and years on an estrogen dominant system so it wasn’t new for her.

And then I played this song that I listened to over and over when I had the BIG HEARTBREAK in 2022. And that made me cry. And then I was walking down the street today when this other song from the BIG HEARTBREAK of 2022 came on and it didn’t make me cry but it did make me feel all wistful and achey.

Anyway out of curiosity I looked up what my ex from the BIG HEARTBREAK of 2022 was doing now and they seem to have done well for themselves and achieved what they wanted to professionally. Which made me proud for them, because they were an amazing person. And also seeing their photo made me miss them. And then I just really hoped that they found someone to love them well, or were loved well, or something. They did not love me which is why there was a BIG HEARTBREAK. But the more I thought about them today the more I realized there was still an ocean of love that I feel for them and then just being sad that it has nowhere to go. I think the fact that I did have so much love for them is why I had to unfriend them. It was too hard seeing them show up on my facebook feed and not be able to talk to them. It was like torture. And now we still don’t talk but I don’t have to be reminded that they are out there and don’t want to talk to me every time I go on Facebook.

So strange that such strong feelings still exist, just like, underground I guess. Like I don’t talk about them that much anymore. But like if there is an ocean of love I feel, I’ve turned it into an underground ocean. I don’t want people to know I still love someone that much. It seems like a weakness or something. Because it seems like love is only valid if it’s returned, so unrequited love has always felt sort of shameful for me to have. Also because I have let a lot of mean people get close to me in my life who have used that to hurt me.

I kind of want to fall in love with a man for a change. I just think it would be different at least. Femmes kinda put my heart through the meat grinder, I haven’t had my heart broken by a man yet so maybe it’s time. I don’t think I will find him on Grindr though. I found the BIG HEARTBREAK on Tinder, but now my Tinder is full of gay men and straight women and it’s so not working for me anymore. And the gay men on Tinder seem to want to get married and I’m not into that at the moment. So many monogamous gay men on Tinder! What happened to slutty queer men? I guess that’s why I’m on Grindr more than Tinder now. And the straight women on Tinder are not into a cock like mine so I don’t get any matches with them. I don’t want them either if they are going to be like that though. I’m just saying a more queer inclusive Tinder feed that has bisexual women in it would be better and I don’t know how to make it do that while being real about my gender. Maybe if I start one again as a non-binary person.