I was approached on the street the other day by someone who looked unhoused, he was in rough shape but being very polite. He said he liked my tattoos and then it kind of pivoted to asking for financial help, which made sense for the situation. I gave him some money and he called me Brother and did a fist bump. And I realized he wasn’t seeing me as trans at all and def not as a woman, I was just some more privileged man who he saw could help him out. I was telling my therapist about him today and how strange it was to be talked to by a man like this, because I’m so used to being approached on the street as a woman, or woman-lite, or whatever I was before I was getting more accurately gendered. And she was like “WOW you mean he wasn’t objectifying you? That’s amazing!” And then we laughed.

It really is a bit of a mindfuck to be passing on a more regular basis. Ever since top surgery it’s been like walking through a portal to Man Land or whatever ha ha. But like, since top surgery people Sir me more consistently and no one thinks it’s weird for me to be in men’s room and it’s like, fine. It’s so wild! I did get misgendered in the security line on the way to Troy, but that was just the one time. It’s nice to get gendered accurately most of the time though.

Also a trans friend told me men get treated better and yeah that is true too. I remember feeling disrespected so much of my life as a butch woman, and now it’s just like I’m a regular dude who gets regular respect.

I was going to get my nails done, but now I’m unsure. I used to really love it. But passing is like, a system of points, and people do calculations to decide what gender you are. And unfortunately fancy nails are a feminine point that might make people misgender me OR be transphobic. So I’m nervous. I don’t have to worry about surgery for a while now since the salpingectomy is done, so I can totally get them done (anesthesiologists need to see your nails to make sure you are ok). But I am liking just being a Brother in the street.

ANYWAY! Also I am meeting with my nurse in July to talk about metoidioplasty, which I’m still in an exploratory feeling toward. But I want to know what steps I will have to take to get it done. July 25th will be two years on testosterone, and they want you to be on T for 2-3 years first for meta. So it’s probably not gonna happen for another year or two. And I’m very particular about what I want and it’s not going to be full meta, probably simple release and no urethral lengthening or scrotoplasty. And I am keeping my hole. So it’s not a super complicated request but I still want to find a good surgeon for it. OHIP will pay for me to get it done in the States, so I’m looking at surgeons down there. I’ve been looking in the meta subreddits and on transbucket for outcomes and reviews and it’s been helpful. Some of them look really amazing, but some types need vaginectomy to work without so many complications and I’m not interested in that because I’m a bottom generally and more interested in keeping all my holes ha ha. I don’t believe I am interested in phallo at this time, because it’s a lot of surgeries and I guess I am just more interested in having a small dick with good sensation and a front hole that can get penetrated, than in having something I could penetrate with and feel. I DO top sometimes but I’m not really like, compelled to be a top like some people. So I think it would be wasted on me to have a big dick. It would look great I’m sure, and feel nice in my pants. But also if I change my mind later I can do something about it.

I will probably have to lose more weight for meta though, not A LOT, like maybe five pounds. But this one place said they recommend a bmi of 30 or under, and mine is like, 30.6. Which I know it’s a bullshit number, but also five pounds is not A LOT to lose. So I think I will be fine. Unless I get a ton of muscle in the next year or two I guess, which could happen.

What else? Work-wise things are improving. I’ve been doing more gigs now. I’ve been unsure about if my income was lower because I couldn’t travel for work, because someone tried to cancel me, because I’m trans, or because of social media posts about what is happening in Gaza. In the end I guess I really don’t know, but work is picking up and by the fall should be back to normal or even better than normal. So I’m looking forward to that. ALSO May is FINALLY over and I knew for a while that May would be my poor month because of how my income is coming in. So now that’s sorted, I can get back to normal. I’m still stuck on needing an ITIN number though which is super annoying.

I checked to see if the States had a record of my visits from before I changed my name and got a new passport, but so far they only think I went to the USA once for Troy. So I don’t know if the visits under my old name will get linked at some point or not. It feels kind of cool if it doesn’t, just a brand new person.

I’m so glad it’s summer. It’s Pride month and things are happening and people are horny and dressed in less clothing. And my dogs are back and being super cute. Todd had milk this morning with my cereal though and puked it up. Too much milk for a little baby!