I’ve been driving myself crazy trying to find the featured image that was coming up with all my blog posts, because the image was an OLD pic of me, that isn’t representative anymore since I lost weight, continued testosterone, and started shaving my head. So I went looking through like, EVERYTHING on my dashboard and finally today found where the image is coming from (Yoast SEO plug in). So now when my site comes up places I will feel more myself. Which is good!

I still have to go to the credit bureaus to update my name, and it’s a pain in the ass but I guess would help if I ever want to get a loan or mortgage. I’m making enough money in the next year that I don’t think I’ll need a loan though, but I am not making enough that I would get a mortgage either. I’m in a comfortable spot out of poverty later this year. But I should do that paperwork still. I need to call CRA business accounts and update my HST number though, etc. I also don’t know if I need to update my CAVCO number/code/whatever, even with a different name the code would still work because it’s my first initial and part of my last name, which didn’t really change when I changed my name. It’s all such a pain in the ass, how many government/corporate/non-profit/political databases am I in? At least Jagmeet Singh updated my name in the NDP database. Or not really him, it was a staffer. But still a relief to not be deadnamed by the party I usually vote for.

I also updated my lil website icon! I put the Carmilla fangs in there.

I have so much work to do this summer. BUT today I am going to see the Pixies/Modest Mouse/Cat Power, my friends gave me their tickets and my stalwart concert friend is coming with me! So I’m excited to get out to a concert. Another friend invited me to the Melissa Etheridge concert in Saskatoon so I got tickets for that since that’s the week I will be there. ALSO we have Missy Elliot tickets for near the end of summer. So it’s great, I love live music. The Melissa Etheridge concert will be hilarious for me I think because it’s such a lesbian event, and also because I think I only ever had one of her CD’s and wasn’t super fanned out about her. But Jewel is also playing that day and I think I still listen to a couple of her songs, or they are on my iPhone anyway. OH MY GOD that song Pieces of Me kind of makes me laugh though. Like when she’s talking about all these oppressed people and there’s that one line that’s just “FAAAAAAGOT, FAAAAAAGOT” ha ha ha. Maybe I’m misremembering it, I always skip that song ha ha even though that line is funny. She’s probably changed the lyrics now. Maybe she made it more relatable by saying “TR@NNY, TR@NNY!” I mean I don’t know lol. Cringe ha ha but also funny cringe still just ends up being funny.

I read my own tarot cards last night about my career and got a ton of pentacles. Six of Pentacles, Ace of pentacles, Nine of Pentacles, TEN of Pentacles. So many, and the good pentacles too, not the five which always makes me worry. I also got the tower, the queen of cups, and the Numinous which is interesting. It is weird though because the tower was followed by a ten of pentacles which makes me think it’s not a bad tower. Maybe a redirecting tower.

I have felt that my life is some kind of pinball machine right now. I know everyone’s like “You should have a five year plan” and I’ve been lucky to have even a three year plan. But the thing is funding changes my life plans so much. And it’s not a bad thing, sometimes there’s just not the right people on the jury, or there’s not enough money, or I don’t know, maybe the universe has other plans. I can already see two good reasons why this one funding thing didn’t come through this year that actually have nothing to do with the project but more to do with my hoped for life plans and another member of the team’s current life plans. It doesn’t mean it won’t happen, it’s just like, maybe this year isn’t the right year and the universe knew that. Like I still want to get meta, and if this funding had come through I would have to delay that two years, but now maybe I can do it next year. And it’s a bit of a longer healing period, so it would put me out of commission a little bit. But if I did it next summer I could save up enough for the travel and accommodations near a surgeon in the US. So that’s potentially an increase in life quality that comes from delaying this big project. Like maybe that’s toxic positivity or something, but no I really think it’s kind of a relief. We were hoping to do this project last year but since we didn’t I was able to get top surgery. So in a way things are working out. Very weird. ALSO maybe I could get a hysterectomy, I’m putting it off but this fibroid is a pain and causes me to pee soooooooo much. It’s the size of an orange and yeah, I HATE IT. I thought I would be fine just getting my tubes out, but I do want this fibroid to fuck off for good.

Anyway, I dunno. Events in the spring WERE dramatic, but essentially I had hoped to get the bullying out into the open, which worked. I don’t know if that strategy is good but at least it’s very public that this behaviour is happening. Which is better than just getting abusive emails and not knowing what to do with them. It’s still pretty sketchy with posts that I know my harasser will make any time there is publicity about me. But also now that it’s an established pattern I know what to expect. We all know what to expect.