So I opened an old diary from earlier in the pandemic and read through a tragic relationship. And wow, with the benefit of time and distance I can see so many things that were wrong about that situation. Like, there were a lot of hot/cold, push/pull stuff going on in the relationship. Long silent treatments and then these weird apologies and then it would happen again, over and over. And for some reason instead of walking away like I would now, I would stay and try to work things out. I don’t know, I would also take on too much responsibility for why things were fucking up in that connection. Like I had legit reasons to complain and ask for better behaviour but instead I would bend over backwards trying to fix it.

And I was so convinced it was meant to be when it was just a big mess. Wow when I read my diary from that time period I just want to tell myself to give it up and walk away and save my dignity. UGH. Gross.

My therapist recently asked if the reason that my relationships haven’t really worked out so far is because I’m being protected from unsuitable partners and I kind of think it’s true. It’s a valid question anyway, especially since for the most part I’m glad most of my romantic relationships either ended or transitioned to friendships. I just feel so bummed that I wasted so much time looking back and pining for someone who couldn’t even be respectful to me when we were dating. Ugh it’s depressing. BUT also I did have to go through kind of a romantic transitory period while transitioning where I wasn’t spending time on someone else. So in a way it was good I was single the beginning of my transition.

I think the other good thing about reading old diaries is seeing how I have changed so much. Before testosterone, I was so fuelled by romantic obsession. Estrogen is a wacky hormone! And it’s not for me, although I know everyone has a bit of estrogen in their system. But my testosterone is more dominant now and although I do get romantic feelings for people, they’re not obsessive like before. Like they are curiosities. And if someone wants to follow up on my curiosity for them maybe I would let the romantic feelings get bigger. But so far no one has really picked it up. So I don’t have big romantic feelings for anyone really right now. I have crushes and stuff but they tend to start with sexual desire more than romantic desire. I’m not aromantic though. Just, things are different.

I feel bad for myself when I was hopelessly in love with someone who didn’t love me at all. And I just kept trying to make it work. But if I was dating that person now, I would have walked away as soon as they started being inconsistent.

Also I just don’t think I have the same feeling of romantic scarcity that I had when I was dating them. Being a lesbian and looking for lovers was fucking HARD and I was pretty demisexual I think so it was hard finding people that matched. But now dating as a bisexual trans man, there’s so many more options and even just having sex and finding sexual partners is ridiculously easy. I’m not romantically dating anyone right now, but I don’t feel like, as almost desperate as I felt dating as a lesbian. I feel more calm and centred and like, if someone comes along then great, but in the meantime I am doing my career and having casual sex and hanging out with friends. Also I don’t feel jealousy the same way. Like, I can date or fool around with people and not get anxious when they are fucking other men/people. Things are just a lot easier.

It’s hard to look at someone who broke my heart and be like “Wow they did me a favour.” But they did. I don’t know, reading this old stuff was illuminating.

I also finally deleted their phone number and blocked their Instagram. So it’s like putting the final nail in the coffin I guess. I’m sure they don’t even check up on me though. And their Instagram was always private so I never really knew anything about them since the end of our friendship/relationship. Wow that was a weird time in my life. I am so relieved it’s over. And hopefully I can stay on testosterone so I’m never that lost in “love” feelings again.