Two years ago I took my first subcutaneous injection of 20mg testosterone cypionate in a nurse’s office at my clinic. Maybe it was 25mg. I don’t totally remember my starting dose only that it was low to begin with. Because I was still tippy-toeing into my transition and thought I would “microdose” testosterone. That idea soon went out the window as things got better and better for me and I wanted to embrace being a trans man. I still did a slow/low introduction to testosterone but over the first year eventually ended up at 70mg. There was a brief period where I went to 80mg this year but then I could not cry for the life of me and was low level irritable all the time and HATED how it felt. So I went back down to 70mg and have been a happier more level human who still can cry when I get upset and no longer gets irrationally pissed off.

It’s been a miracle hormone for me. I know if I made a list of all the things that improved I would still forget all the amazing things. My orgasms changed which was fascinating, they are more like male orgasms now. I hear this works the other way with trans women who go on estrogen too. I got more confident, I got more outgoing. I started wanting to work out more, and eating more protein rich foods. I went from having a sweet tooth to being ravenous for any type of protein filled food especially peanut butter. I got hungrier more overall, it’s calmed a bit but definitely in the first year I was devouring all the food I had in my cupboard and fridge. SO HUNGRY like that No Face guy in Spirited Away.

I also got less romantically obsessed with crushes, which was nice. My desires changed, the people I desired changed. The way I found dates changed while I navigated gay hook up culture. I also got a lot of little romantic mini-crushes on men and non-binary people and women, but they didn’t devastate me when they didn’t work out the way I was devastated by romance on an estrogen dominant system. I felt a lot calmer and patient about dating. And there were so many people to hook up with and flirt with. I live in a big city and I know that’s part of the reason it’s so much easier getting dates now. But still it feels nice to actually feel desirable, something I didn’t really feel as a butch lesbian.

I started trying to get into more men’s spaces, but for most of the transition so far I’ve ended up in mixed queer spaces where men and women aren’t entirely sure where I belong or what I am looking for. Am I a dyke? Am I a fag? So many men have facial hair and as a Plains Cree man that has been one of the things I ended up lacking compared to other people with testosterone dominant systems. I feel like if I had a beard it would be easier for queer men to read me as a bi fag. Unfortunately no because no beard so far. I sometimes want to get bisexual flag pins or something so people know I’m open to a lot of different types of people. But then I guess they would still not be totally sure what I am or what I have between my legs.

When I got top surgery, my ability to be read as a man made huge strides. I got sirred all the time when I went to London UK, and it was nice! No one really thought otherwise. A guy bumped into me going into the men’s toilet (it was disgusting, that toilet in particular) but he said “Sorry mate!” And it was such a British way of being included with the men. No one called me mate before.

I learned a lot about men’s bathrooms. One is that often a bathroom will have ONE stall for men, and a lot of the time if it is busy someone will be taking a dump in it. AND that takes a lot longer than sitting to pee. So I have waited for a long time for that one stall. I appreciate gender neutral bathrooms that just say if they have stalls or urinals, because honestly I would prefer the bathroom with all the stalls. I am growing tired of the one stall though and am hoping in this next year I can graduate to a stand-to-pee device so I can use the more plentiful urinals in the men’s room. ALSO that toilet in Trainspotting, Scotlands Worst Toilet? That toilet def exists because I saw it in London and I saw it in Buenos Aires. It’s like, you hover and pee and wash your hands and try to never think about it again.

I listened to my voice changing and watched things in my pants get bigger and muscles bulk up and fat redistribute. And my hairline changed and although my hair had been thinning since I was 20, now it was REALLY thin and I started shaving my head.

I think shaving my head was the hardest thing to adjust to about my new embodiment of Theo, because hair is so important to anyone, even cis men. So giving it up was hard. And it was awkward to look in the mirror for a while. Until I got used to it, and then I just saw a sexy guy with a shaved head in the mirror. I recently watched a Matteo Lane stand up bit about his hair transplant surgery. They take TEN HOURS to do hair transplant surgery!

My top surgery I think took maybe two and a half hours? Maybe less I don’t totally remember because I was knocked out. Maybe two hours? I know I went under at 3:30pm and I think I was getting discharged at 5:30 or 6:00pm.

Now I want to get bottom surgery and so I am starting the process, next month we write the letter for funding. I chose a surgeon I want, we’ll see how it goes and I won’t say her name here until I know if it’s for sure, or more likely after it’s done. My nurse practitioner who has been helping me with all my trans health related care sat down with me and went over some basics of the surgery I want. The surgery only takes an hour! Way faster than top surgery. Obviously it’s not phalloplasty because that’s a very long involved surgery. BUT this surgery I want could lead to phalloplasty if I desired. I was talking about it with my therapist and was like “I don’t think I want it, but maybe?” She said “You don’t want it for now.” Which is true, I think over time my mind has shifted about how I want to live in my particular gender. And honestly I don’t think I can say things will stay the same, because I just recently got more comfortable with adding one more part to my bottom surgery that I thought I would be fine without. But now I’m like hell yeah I want balls! But also you know, I might change my mind. Bottom surgery probably won’t happen for another year or two so I could shift how I feel. I don’t know!

There’s a group of people on reddit who want more ambiguous genitals with like, a dick and a vagina at the same time. And as a bottom that’s really appealing to me too. I know people have all kinds of reasons why they want their bodies to have or not have certain elements. But for myself that feels more like what I will end up going with.

I also changed my name and gender on all my ID and that was a fucking PAIN IN THE ASS. I still am looking at a 3 hour phone call with CRA to update something and just DREADING it and avoiding it. But everything else is changed except my name at my alma maters. I think maybe someday I will try to get my degrees re-issued with my real name on them. But all my ID matches me, what I look like now and who I am and my gender. Getting through the borders is a lot easier now, although admittedly I’ve only crossed the American border and not other borders on my new passport. And there was that snag the last time until they saw my status card and said I could come to America and work any time because I have status in both countries. BUT that wasn’t a gender related snag at all, which was nice. When I left Buenos Aires my passport was still from before I got my facial tattoo even, so the airport person was concerned I was not the person in the passport. BUT new passport is much more accurate of a reflection of me. So yeah, a relief!

I know I can’t ever be stealth, because anyone could google me and find out who I am. But to be more stealth in situations where I’m with strangers is kind of ideal. Like yeah I want to be able to walk into the mens room and use the toilet (just maybe not the horrible shitbowls I’ve seen sometimes), I want to be able to go into the men’s locker room and not get weird looks. I want to be able to walk around with my shirt off at the beach or whatever.

So a lot of changes, essentially I still feel like the same person. But things definitely shifted for me even just internally in how I relate to the world. In good ways. My mental health really improved too, like a low level sadness I was just accepting sort of vanished. It’s nice.