I’m working on my transition video again. I think I’m closer to being finished it. It needs credits. I have to find a better png of the Toronto Arts Council logo, because they funded it and I had some other logo in another project but the resolution quality sucked when I put it in my video. So yeah gotta fix that. If I could finish it this weekend that would be amazing. Sometimes it takes so long (and this did) but sometimes when I’m editing it can wrap up so quickly.
I feel like all the headlines are kind of a lot. But also they go away in the last 1/4 of the video where I am just talking about what I have noticed. So maybe it’s ok? I think the content of the headlines is also just gross since it’s anti-trans laws and politics in the USA and Canada. And the UK. So it’s kind of meant to be ugly. It’s hard to work with ugliness. I suppose I could also make the headlines skinnier by adding white to either side of the headline to make it look a bit better. Ahhh confusing. Trying to make this ugly stuff visually appealing. I might need to make them smaller, I looked at it again and I like the ones where it’s a little less obstructive. Like there are big spots where the date is there and I don’t mind that getting obstructed at times, but going over the image is driving me a bit crazy. I have to find a happy medium! And then do it to all of the videos.
It’s weird that this video has so little actual video in it. Like the background is video, but most of the images are stills, and the audio is all voice memos. I think I need to bulk up the audio track though. It’s needing something but I don’t know what. I don’t know what audio besides my voice would work. Like background audio. The seasons change but I don’t know if that is helpful. I mean maybe the audio IS just my voice and that’s ok. Because that’s such a big part of transition, the voice getting deeper.
ANYWAY taking a break and thinking about it. I might go to the gym in a bit. I went on Thursday and was gonna maybe go today or tomorrow. I haven’t been for most of this summer until this week and I really pushed myself in the chest press (55lbs!) and my pecs still hurt.
I am re-evaluating my relationship to cannabis, because I know I am way more productive when I’m not high. So I’m thinking of making more rules around my use. I used to not do it if I had work that day until I was done, but now I think I might wait until the evenings to do it even if I don’t have a scheduled work thing. Because to be honest I always have work that I have to do. I have projects going on all the time. And I need to catch up on all of them.
I also continued re-reading an old diary from the beginning of my transition and was like WOW I had my heart broken by three different people in three different ways and only one was a romantic heartbreak. But all the people I had conflict/heartbreak with were women/femmes. And I remember two of them were very specific about demonizing me for being a man, or demonizing me for deciding to take testosterone. And it’s funny when I look back on it now because I realize those types of reactions were the reasons I delayed transitioning for so long. I wasn’t looking forward to being evicted from the relative innocence I was assumed to have because I was a woman. It’s so weird. I’m glad those people don’t have the same influence on my life now. Only one is still in my life but we don’t talk as much as before and that’s better for me.
I FIXED THE UGLY ha ha I went back into my video and fixed the thing making it not work. Now I still gotta think about audio. I remember one time I made a video in art school for my sound class and they were like “The audio is just you talking though” and so ever since then I’ve been like omg me talking is not enough! But maybe it is enough. It’s a very text heavy monologue as I discovered things about my body. And even then I didn’t really get into everything that I noticed changing because it began as a record of my voice and face. I don’t have a piano ha ha. If I made an honest video about myself the soundtrack would probably all be Tori Amos ha ha only I can’t afford her. Maybe when I get a guitar I can make soundtracks for myself that have original tunes. I have a ukulele but I’m not going to try to learn and compose a 14 minutes song for ukulele for this video by the end of summer.
I did tune my ukulele this past week and tried to learn some chords, but I think I was high (see above paragraph about this) and I didn’t really delve too much. Besides the ukulele the only other musical instrument I have in my house is a harmonica my Grandpa kept in his bedside drawer. Which is adorable really but I don’t want to learn that right now either.
I remember when I was a kid I tried to learn to play a harmonica and I had a book and a tape and it kept saying this thing about how I had to BEND my breath or something and I found it so confusing I think I gave up. It was like that Schitt’s Creek Fold in the cheese thing. WHAT DO YOU MEAN BEND MY BREATH?!
I was hoping my transition would give me a satisfying big beard in my progression photos but that did not appear. I think there is something going on with my face hair but it’s all blonde and not very exciting. I keep shaving it off anyway. Some guys dye their hair so it’s darker.
Anyway I think I actually might finish my video this weekend! I am coming to terms with my audio only being my voice. And visually it DOES look really good, I just have to do some last edits to make it look the best it can be and where all the clips are doing the right thing. And put in my credits. I don’t know who all to thank though. Do I thank people who worked on my video? Or who helped me while I was transitioning? Or who were just around and supportive? All the images were taken by me almost. OH my friend Riki took a pic that I included. And we went on a vacation together where I filmed other stuff. I don’t know about thanking the doctors and nurses involved because part of me wants to preserve their anonymity. I will probably do cheap credits where I just thank a minimal amount of people. I would thank my therapist but I don’t want anybodies to know who she is. No!
A while ago I realized something sad. I have wanted to be famous since I was a kid, and I am famous to a certain degree amongst certain people. But it also means a lot of people watch what I post or do. And a while back I posted a pic of an ex/current friend and they felt self-conscious about being tagged and didn’t want their real instagram to be mentioned because it would mean other people would know their account. And I did untag them but I felt too big and sad. Not physically big, but like, a large personality with a lot of attention that a lot of people don’t want on themselves. It was kind of a lonely feeling and I wondered how many people avoided me because I was too famous for them to be comfortable with. And I know what people usually do is then surround themselves with other famous people but then THOSE famous people are also self-conscious about who is included in their public life. It’s frustrating. I wish these were Rich person concerns but I’m not rich. I’m mostly poor. I should have added “and Rich” to my wishes to be famous. A lot of people want to be Rich and Famous but for some reason I ended up just wanting to be Famous, or just articulating the famous part anyway.
I actually have been thinking a lot about making a project about being poor. I feel like there’s so many things I could say about it and how it forces you to make choices you don’t want to make. It’s one of those projects that needs to simmer for a while though.
Wow. Lots of subjects here. I have some responses.
It’s okay for a section of a video to be ugly. Communication is not just the words said but also the aesthetics. Fonts, colour tint, composition and other factors all communicate something. If the topic is ugly then let the style be.
I like the idea of your voice changing over the course of the video. My first thought is that it’s a character arc where the character is at a different place at the end than at the beginning. Classic storytelling stuff. (Later I thought it’s like cis-male puberty; voice changing and all.)
If a hobby/de-stresser (cannabis) is interfering with your art-making then you gotta decide which is more important. Make your own rules for yourself about it. (I did that with coffee and alcohol and it’s helped me. I made some simple rules based on my own observations and my own body’s reaction to these things. I get more done in what I really want to do and am less distracted by other things.)
The thing about testosterone is funny to me as I remember in the ’90s the word was always used derogatorily. But then this was the men-are-bad era (which I internalized somewhat). It was a normal reaction to patriarchy and misogyny of course but many cis-men who could’ve been allies to women got turned off by it. I’m glad things are more sophisticated now. We know that we can all do bad things and good things. Also that a thing can be both at the same time depending on context and tastes.
About music, maybe you can do a swap with a musician. With my new experimental film I did that, using a friend’s music in exchange for making him some music videos (using my footage). It’s been a good trade.
You are famous but also still a video artist which is a thing that is marginalized. Most of the world doesn’t even know video art even exists let alone who’s big in it. I once wished I could be rich without being famous. Now I don’t think that will happen and don’t think I even need or want it. My grandpa used to say “if you have both arms and both legs you’re a rich man”.