Yesterday was my third day at Western, but no students yet because they don’t start until Thursday. I’m going back next week for the first real class. It was a nice day at Western, I did a department meeting, met a lot of colleagues, worked on my PowerPoint for class, walked back and forth on campus getting keys and trying keys in mailboxes and offices and so on. I made sure I could unlock and lock my classroom. It was a lot! But I’m really glad I was able to do all the work to be ready for next week.

Since my artist residency starts now, I’m going to start drawing assets for my new video game. It’s the Repatriate Me game, so I have to draw the little spirit character. I already did a drawing of him facing the viewer, BUT I realize he’s going to be mostly seen from the side so he can go back and forth. So I’m going to have to redraw him from the side, but at least I know what I want him to look like.

In my head he’s a trans character. I don’t know how to let the player know that. I’m still conceptualizing how this game will work. I need to do more research honestly, and I might make a trip during reading week to see if I can go to a museum that has a repatriation department. Feels gross to ask to look at bones of someone from a community I don’t belong to though, and honestly I don’t know that looking at bones is going to teach me something more than just asking how the museum works with communities trying to get their community members back. Zoom meetings might even be sufficient to answer my questions. I know there is a presence though when being around human remains, BUT ALSO do I need to feel that in person to make a game? I’m just trying to be respectful with the spirits and remains of people who have already been exploited by virtue of them being in the basement of a museum in a box.

ANYWAY! I didn’t get to practice guitar yesterday because I was in London. I actually headed out just after 6am to make the 6:50am train. Then I went straight to work and visited and did all those things. Then I went to a bar for a burger and near beer, and then went to the train station for a 7:38pm train back to Toronto. And even though I did eat throughout the day, I think by the time I got back home I was distressed from being awake for so long and like, feeling doomed as a filmmaker. Which is funny because my new film got into an exciting film festival on Monday. So I was like fuck I’m never going to make a feature film and I’m gonna take a job in California and do something else because it would pay me more etc etc. I think I was just frustrated and tired. And I have been known to make sweeping generalizations when I’m sleep deprived and hungry etc. BUT ALSO I did notice not being able to play the guitar yesterday impacted how I was feeling too, because I was missing it and wishing I’d had room to bring it.

I’ve been acting like I’m never going to be a professional musician, even with this nice guitar and these lessons I am going to start in a couple weeks. BUT I do make media work that has sound, like games and videos and films, AND being able to write songs and play them just for those projects might be something I would want to do. AND maybe when I am more proficient with an acoustic guitar I will want an electric guitar, which could give a different sound that works for a video game better. So maybe I am gaining a new useful skill that I can use in my career, besides ending up joining a rock band of middle aged men. Lol a Trans Dad Band. I still don’t want to be in a band, but it’s because I’m not good at guitar yet. YET.

I’m also writing the handout for the video production workshop we do in a couple weeks. It has to be translated to Spanish, so I’m trying to come up with all the info they might need. I’m just trying to go through the main points so they have something to reference when they are shooting their projects. The workshop will be more about going over where they are in their projects and how to use equipment they already have. We might get them some cheaper additional equipment, like lenses and mics for phones. It’s a lot to put in one handout! But also most youth are very advanced with video already because of things like TikTok etc.

I started a TikTok a while back, but ugh I’m not really into making short form videos, or like, not THAT short form. I like shorts but I guess I’m a snot about it or something because of the type of videos I make. And I don’t really feel like giving endless hot takes to a TikTok audience. No dances! No condescending rants! People can either watch my art videos or read this ridiculous overshare blog. Or see whatever I post on Instagram I guess.

I get notices of what posts are popular on this blog and I found it interesting that this one popular post is about the people who don’t talk to me since before my transition. I am happy to say the one person I felt the saddest about losing contact with is in contact with me again, and we are having a good relationship and positive interactions. I don’t mean Relationship, it’s not romantic because they are a relative. But like, our connection is solidifying again and that feels good to me. And she is getting to know me again now that I have transitioned and changed. It’s kind of weird to talk to her about cute boys since the last time we talked I was a lesbian. But it’s good knowing I can relate to her again and be supportive and have a friendly vibe between us. And also I am realizing in talking to her that I’m still essentially the person she knew before, just a different gender. And maybe more confident and happier.

So that’s something hopeful for you to know about. I think there are some relationships that could be saved eventually. But there’s one ex I don’t talk to who I mentioned in that old post, and I actually don’t WANT to talk to anymore, even if she came back wanting to be my friend. There was a betrayal involved in that and I’m just not really in the mood to forgive that kind of thing.

Forgiveness is a weird thing. Some people really say you have to forgive everyone and I just don’t think that’s true. There’s some unforgivable things that people can do to you. I think there ARE some times it’s a good idea, but also sometimes not forgiving is an aid to keeping a necessary boundary.

OH YES But anyway, Dreams Of Sunlight Through Trees got into a film festival this year already, it’s the first submission I got a response too on Film Freeway, and I’m really glad they took it even though it’s in an exciting country I wish I could go to, but can’t because of work. I mean it’s great it will be there, but also I’ll be sad to miss it in person. There’s one festival I submitted to that I am going to try and find some way to go to if I get in though, even if it’s a very short trip because of work, just because it’s such an important festival for filmmakers. And there’s another festival I hope to get into that I would travel to go to. But either way I’m glad it’s premiering at such a cool festival and will be excited to give more info when they announce it.