So I DID do that pros and cons list about applying for the job in California, and it was kind of depressing. Like, ten pros to twenty-five cons. Which is very overwhelming. I decided not to spend my limited time applying for the job. HOWEVER I have not totally ruled out EVER moving to the States for work. Just not at this time. It also interfered with some long range plans I have. Like, I need to be able to schedule in my filmmaking and hopefully a larger project that would take more time. And I’ve really been conscious of how limited my time is for work and stuff. Like, even this teaching thing, I have realized one class a semester is probably doable. But two a semester AND trying to keep on top of my art practice AND being a little disabled dude? I don’t know about that. Not at this time anyway.

My therapist was being really supportive of me doing whatever I decided, but I could tell she was really happy that we would have more time together because I am staying in Toronto. I’m also not done therapy with her because there’s long range goals I’ve been working towards and we aren’t there yet. And also I have had a number of therapists/counsellors in my life and she’s been the best fit for me and has helped me become more of who I am. So having to search for a totally new therapist is daunting, even though at least I finally know what type of therapist works best for me. Plus the idea of starting from scratch with a new one, ughhh. And my therapist has seen me on two different hormonal systems too which is nice because she remembers when I was all hopped up on estrogen and would just come in and cry from beginning to end of our sessions, and me now where I just talk about what is going on and once in a while get teary.

Anyway, that dream of moving to California kind of got cancelled for now, but I’m not saying no forever because things could change for me. And I’ve learned that change is just part of life. And there was a person I had deep feelings for once upon a time who lives over there and maybe I will meet someone who lives there and wants to be with me. Like there’s just variables I am unaware of right now that could happen in the future.

I’ve been communicating with ancestors more these days (lol ancestors, I mean my Grandpa really) and I was just thinking on the train about why he never tells me future stuff. Like he’s not giving me advice about exactly what happens in the future. I think maybe the future is so unstable really that it’s hard to exactly say what will happen anyway, even if you are a spirit. And what good does knowing the future do for me anyway? Is it helpful? I see psychics sometimes, and there was one who got SO MUCH correct, but even then the thing I was hoping would happen that she saw happening didn’t happen. I was talking about this with my therapist once and I was like “But she said so much that was true, but this one thing she said doesn’t seem to be happening!” And my therapist said something like “Well I don’t know how the future works!” Which is so honest and just something I should probably accept. I heard someone else say psychics work with probabilities, like, these things are LIKELY to happen. But it’s never really guaranteed. Anyway it’s probably better to get advice from a spirit than a set future that might not be 100% for real.

Anyway, I’m over halfway done my PowerPoint for class tomorrow, so I should go finish that and then order some dinner. Last class I accidentally subjected them to Dua Lipa and then Tyler Tarot because the autoplay was on my YouTube. I have fixed that now! But every class I have forgotten how to set up the AV, and I am using a Windows computer for class that I have next to no understanding of. I just don’t want to bring in my Macbook because it’s near the end of it’s life and overheats and shuts down and plus I look at rude stuff on it and plus sometimes I get notifications on the screen and I don’t need my students reading my texts. Oh man. That was the worst invention, on screen notifications. I don’t mind notifications for my calendar, but like, rude texts that are not really rude but maybe inappropriate for my students to read? No thanks!