It’s Wednesday! Hopefully I don’t just forget I’m writing this blog post and wander off until Thursday, although I do have ADHD and it’s been known to happen.

I got closure on an old relationship recently which was REALLY FUCKING GOOD. I just realized nothing was going to change in that situation, and it’s made it easier to move on. I hate getting stuck on people but I was SUPER stuck on this one person. But I think I was more stuck on possibilities and not the reality of the situation. And now knowing the reality of the situation has stayed the same made me able to abandon the possibilities. Plus my idea of a good relationship is evolving to something possibly not needing cohabitation, and definitely not monogamy, so I’m looking for something different now than what I wanted with that person. But even so I said something that they will definitely not forget and move on with me from, so yeah. I mean I criticized their partner, which was probably bad. And yeah it’s probably not something I would do now, but also it was just looming in my head which I guess is why I said it.

But anyway, now there’s finally space in my heart for someone new. My therapist and I were talking about it, she said I didn’t need to fill it with someone right away. Which is true, and something I always used to do as soon as I moved on from someone. But I’ve been in therapy to deal with my attraction for unavailable people, so I think I need to have a longer audition process for potential partners. I mean just date for a while before deciding on things. I also have this bizarre public profile as an artist/filmmaker/etc and so I need to find someone who can handle that. I really need someone who isn’t going to be worried if I post a couple photo to my instagram that has 2529 followers. I know it’s a lot of followers! Not a ton, not a Kardashian level of followers. But someone who only has 400 followers might be intimidated.

I hate being intimidating which is something I didn’t really consider when I became a more publicly known figure. I was telling my therapist one time about how I feel like I’m too powerful sometimes, to where being seen with me online is kind of like trying to shoo a small fly away from me and me accidentally squishing it. Like I don’t MEAN to cause harm but sometimes it just kind of happens by being publicly linked to me. And not that I have a horrible reputation (except for that defamatory series of posts about me) but just I don’t know, it makes people more visible when not everyone feels comfortable with visibility. It’s probably why I mostly post selfies and art and flowers and food on my Instagram.

I watched Will & Harper the other night, and the scene where they are looking at all the transphobic tweets made me sad. I know they are both public figures, but Will Ferrell has a more public facing role in his career than Harper and so everyone would notice him and by extension his trans friend. And have an opinion on it. It was really interesting seeing Harper try to engage in a road trip across a country with areas gripped by transphobia, with a celebrity friend with her.

It’s strange being a public figure but also to transition. I don’t know if I talk about that a lot. Someone was asking about my deadname at the opening the other day to make sure I was the same person and I don’t know. I guess I’m supposed to just say “I’m Theo I used to be Thirza.” But I don’t really feel the need to say that. But there’s also this pressure to like, forbid any visible remnants of Thirza, while I just don’t feel like editing all my videos again to change my credit line. But yeah I’m sure lots of colleagues have negative opinions of me transitioning, not that that really matters to me. But everyone seems to have an opinion of what people do with their bodies, and politicians have been trying to make my health decisions EVERYONE’s decision, which is unhelpful.

We need to get rid of the notwithstanding clause actually. It’s just being used to suspend the charter of rights and freedoms for trans people, that’s total bullshit. I hate Canadian politicians. Most of them anyway. The conservative ones especially.

Sometimes I talk to gay men on the apps and find out they are conservatives, or have no issue with the Conservatives taking power. And I’m always like wow what is your problem? That’s like the mice voting for the cats.