I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and how long I was looking for one and also how I kind of sabotaged my chances by being a closeted bisexual trans man for so long. Or pansexual, whatever. I feel like I misrepresented myself for decades because I was afraid no one would love me if I was openly trans. But I was non-binary for a long time. But also not dating a lot of types of people I would date now. So my dating pool was small and not really my pool anyway. It’s complicated, but basically being a lesbian and trying to find a long term relationship was not working out for me, mostly because I was not a woman. I think I was really limited also in the type of relationship I wanted at the time, based mostly on heteronormative relationship ideals that we are all marinated in. It’s only been recently that I’ve started to figure out what kind of relationships make me happy.

I’m not dating anyone seriously now. And I’m genuinely not sure I have the time to have a relationship with someone right now. It’s been hookups for a while because they are fun but also don’t take a lot of time or energy or upkeep. I was talking to a woman on Tinder a while back and she asked where relationships fit into my life right now because I think I said I was concentrating on my career. And it just kind of made me feel like yeahhhh I’m not really able to invest time into someone at this moment. Unless they were cool about seeing me only once a week or sometimes not at all.

I also have a really good housing situation because I am in a co-op, so I’m staying here for as long as I can. There have been people who spent their whole lives here. And I think this would be a good neighbourhood to be a senior trans dude, when I am way older. I’m close to the Village and in a big city and there’s a large dating pool for trans men here. And so I don’t want to move, but also if someone moved in I have anxiety I would end up having to move out, and I have heard of partners of people in co-ops moving in with them and then pushing out the person who originally lived in the co-op. And having to find a home in Toronto right now is very financially unrealistic, so a lot of people who get pushed out just leave town. But my specialists are here and my community and my friends and blah blah. It’s just better for me to be here for a lot of reasons.

I’m not sure ha ha what else was I going to say about relationships? Oh just that I wish I had been dating as a trans man for a lot longer than I have. I might have already been noticed by someone who likes me for who I actually am, instead of passing by all these people as someone I was not.