It’s Saturday! I’m scrambling for money again. I have people I owe and I’m ALSO owed money, but I really need to pay one person because I’m sure he needs it for rent. Ahhh it’s stressful. Anyway if you want to help there’s a page about supporting me here that has paypal details etc. I am making money but not enough, unfortunately. Or not getting paid in a timely way anyway. I ALSO need rent money, so this all sucks.

ANYWAY.

I had a good day so far even though the money anxiety woke me up at 6:45am. I worked on my powerpoint for my last class on Monday, I got pretty far with it, it’s going to be shorter because the first 20 minutes is for feedback. And then we have the last presentation and then my blab and we watch some short films and then the reading and then wrap up. I made a list of films for further viewing, so hopefully they check them out if they want to see more.

Also I did some work on my Macîskotêw (Evil Fire) script by consulting with a close friend whose family member was brutally murdered, to talk about how to sensitively depict violence against Indigenous women. I keep getting notes that the violence is gratuitous so we talked about ways to present it differently. But also they just felt that there IS a lot of violence happening to Indigenous women and so they didn’t really think the note about violence was helpful considering the reality of what goes on. Overall it was super helpful to get some feedback about how to do this film right. And they said there still might be someone who says the film harmed them, but they can write an essay. They are going to see if some other people they know are able to talk with me though in case they have other feelings and thoughts about it. But we did generally agree that implied violence was better than straight up gore on screen, unless it comes to the fire part of the script which is only used against the predators. And the viewpoint shouldn’t be from the perpetrator. They said how since their loved one was murdered they can’t watch the gorey parts of horror films, which is why having it implied and not onscreen would probably solve some of my issues. So that gave me a lot to start with when I dive back into this script. I also sent a link to Kwêskosîw (She Whistles) so they can share it with the other people who might talk to me, so they get a sense of the story I am doing. They had seen Kwêskosîw (She Whistles) and liked the way I did it, so that was encouraging.

For a long time I’ve thought I really need to get more community input into the script, and so far it’s mainly been producers and story editors and so on. So having the perspective of a family member was really important and it’s just hard to ask of people I don’t know. I didn’t know how to ask until I realized I could ask my friend. So I’m hoping to get some more perspectives but also talking to them was super valuable for me. I’ve also been teaching this Indigenous Cinema class and this thing that keeps coming up in the work is how much community consultation goes on between the filmmakers and their communities. Like, elders telling stories or community members being interviewed or asking for notes along the way after an edit. Etc. Just making it less about me when it’s an issue the larger community is dealing with. At the same time, I’m the writer and director so it is my story. But I don’t want to make it being uninformed.

Yeah, so that’s cool.

My class ends so soon! Monday is the last one. And I am marking essays this weekend. And in a couple weeks I will be marking exams. And then I have until the 19th because my revision is on the 20th. Oh man. I have to get a new class ready over the winter break too, and I haven’t even started the online portal for it. It’s nice teaching and probably wouldn’t be so much work if it didn’t take as much commuting as it does for me right now. That seems to be what is taking up my time the most.

I’ve been very weepy these days. Todd went and got neutered this Thursday and when I went to pick him up he was having a hard time coming out from his sedation. He was small and curled up and cold and crying and I was holding him in the vet office and they were trying to figure out how to get him walking. He was starting to improve, but so slowly. He perked his little head up but would NOT walk. And we waited and waited but they were closing so they gave me the number and address of the emergency vet and told me to take him if he got worse, and otherwise to wake up every hour and check on him. So I did that. And he was slowly improving but it took SO LONG. Poor dopey boy. He did start walking once I put him on a pee pad to have a pee, he walked into his kennel which was a couple feet away. And then I went to the bathroom and he walked to the doorway to the bedroom, which is closer to the bathroom. So he was getting better and the vet was checking in by phone. And yeah, by the next morning he was bouncing around. BUT OMG when he was just small and curled up and crying in my arms at the vet I felt SO AWFUL and sad. He was so traumatized and I just started thinking about children in war zones who are traumatized and not even as safe as Todd is. OMG that empathy that keeps going all over. I don’t usually cry in front of people, so when I was holding a drugged up Todd and we were watching his favourite Florence and the Machine concert at Royal Albert Hall on YouTube, I was totally crying. My little boy! Why does he need to lose his nuts anyway? Realistically I know it’s better for him not to have them though, and now he can be boarded. But wow I was so anxious about him.

I also had this ongoing fear for weeks that his surgery would have a complication and they would take the wrong thing out, because I read about a similar surgery (he had a crypto-orchidectomy, which is when one testicle is still inside) where they accidentally took the dogs urethra and prostate and the dog had to be put down. SO OMFG I was terrified at first that that is what was happening to him. So later at home when he started peeing I was SO FUCKING HAPPY. Never been so happy to see a dog pee.

He’s doing okay now, learning to live in a cone. He’s great, such a sweetie. I love him. I’m so glad his surgery is over now and he just gets to heal and be a dog.