I am upgrading some stuff around here. I can now record myself easier and do streaming or record directly onto my computer. So that’s cool. I keep threatening to start a podcast, but I don’t have a coherent idea of what I would talk about for it. Mostly I’m just able to record monologues and guitar practice easier. I recorded myself today trying to play guitar and sing at the same time. And then I LISTENED to it after. Which was interesting, it kind of gave me clues about what was working. Unfortunately there’s some radio interference in the big mic, so I have to swap XLR cables and see if that changes things. Hope so! I didn’t notice it when it was recording into the Zoom recorder.

I have started learning music to help me get over this emotional restriction I have about particular forms of beauty and art. It’s funny. BUT my next step is to include singing with my guitar playing, because it’s the only way for me to know how many lines to do. Lines is probably not the right word. Bars? But I just lose track if I have to count. But then singing AND playing guitar is not something I am used to either. It’s like patting your head and rubbing your tummy at the same time. And it took so long to even manage to learn doing one thing with my left hand while doing a different thing with my right hand. Now I have to do that AND sing? Ugh. Ha ha no it’s fun, it’s stretching me in a different way, which is cool. It’s a lot of work but I have seen progress, which is good. My guitar teacher said I have good flow when I’m doing spider walks, and that my palm muting is perfect. So it’s nice to see that improve. I also notice it sounds more like music when I practice now. I’m still struggling with the D chord though in this song, because it’s so out of place in terms of what my fingers do otherwise. I get a lot less buzzing in my playing now, although sometimes it still happens.

Things are fine otherwise. Classes began last week, so I taught some students about some basic game stuff. Tomorrow we learn more new stuff. I am going to lead them through making a game from start to finish. So that’s fun, I tested the code a bunch of times and it works. Not the way I anticipated though. Like, one code is to destroy the berries, but the code is on the berries and not on the hand that triggers the destruction. I don’t know, coding is weird. Trying to find where a code belongs can be a lot of work sometimes.

Anyway. It’s my second night in London since the semester started, and for a second time a hookup flaked. So maybe I will take that as a sign not to bother hooking up on Sunday nights. I quite like being alone doing my thing.

I’m having concerns about my capacity for romantic feelings for men. I was thinking I never had any. And then I got a bunch of crushes. And then I realized I was in love with a friend who was already dead but looked like a man during their time on earth. And then I realized I DO have capacity for romantic feelings for men and more masculine people. So I don’t know, I think it’s just because I haven’t had a real romantic relationship with a man yet.

I’ve been meeting interesting people on the apps, but there’s this strange kind of straight/bi guy that goes on Grindr looking for trans men and there’s this closeted thing going on there that I haven’t figured out. There’s like, this awkwardness sometimes, and shame. And it’s not everyone. But some of them have some real weird ideas. They are probably chasers. It feels sometimes like being training wheels for bisexual men to get with cis men. I know that’s probably not always what is going on. But it’s confusing for me because their sexuality is kind of confusing for them. So sometimes I think they didn’t expect me to look as much like a man. Or they approach my genitals in a funny way. I don’t know, it would be more convenient for me to find a decent human I could just be with and not keep looking.

I am still open to dating all genders. I haven’t gone on a date with a non-man in a long time though. It’s just, dating women has very advanced rules compared to dating guys who just send a pic of their dick. Like with dating women you have to put in more time getting to know them. And I don’t know, I would love to get to know men better actually. Like if I could combine how easy going gay hookups are with the challenge of lesbian bonding, that would probably work for me. Like yes, let’s go fuck in the bathroom (except no pick a better room) and then also have the tortured urge to hold hands and think about it for ten minutes before trying. A mix of swagger and anxiety.

It’s been fun having hookups. But yeah, I need something more substantial.

I’m tired. It’s been a travel day and then sitting in my hotel room reading terrible news. I feel sad about Los Angeles and the fires down there. And also climate change was a big reason I chose not to apply for work there. I hate being right already. And I hate to think about how many places in the world are going to be uninhabitable in the next couple of decades. It’s a rough time, especially when the ruling billionaires are fuelling culture wars to distract from Capitalism failing all of the rest of us.

In honesty, we need to demolish capitalism. It is not a sustainable system and it’s burning itself out. To the tune of trillions in the hands of the least ethical of us. It’s our money, they’ve just been scamming all of us out of it and trying to act innocent. Wages have not gone up. And in the Canadian Arts scene, grants haven’t really increased either to support artists. We’re kept poor and the administrative workers make much more than us. UGH hate it. I want to see capitalism fall in my lifetime. I would love to watch it burn instead of the world burning.